So, with the Christmas season upon us, I have as usual, heard a lot of
Christmas songs and seen quite a few Christmas commercials. One thing I
find disturbing about the songs is the mention of Santa’s reindeer. Why
is it that Rudolph is not mentioned anywhere besides his own song? In
his song, they mention all of the other reindeer including him. But,
you never hear about him any other time. What, is he Santa’s red-nosed
step child? I mean, what the fuck? I think he is just Santa’s bitch.
Santa just uses him because he needed him the one damn time, but then
all of a sudden he is embarrassed to know him. Its like Santa
says  “Who Rudolph? Nope, don’t know a Rudolph. You must have the
wrong Santa.” And why is this, because he has a damn red nose? Maybe
his nose is so red from all the cocaine he has snorted and Santa tried
to get him clean and when he couldn’t, he disowned him. I heard the
Stones had to do the same thing to Keith Richards. Or maybe Rudolph
fucked Santa’s daughter. That would do it. I think I would filp right
the fuck out if I found out that my hired help nailed my daughter.
Perhaps Rudolph was stealing from Santa to support his gambling habit.
I mean, Rudolph has to make up his loses somehow, after all, he put
lots of money on the Cardinals to win the World Series. Or, is it
possible that Ruldolph was just a figment of Santa’s imagination. Maybe
Santa was hallucinating from a bad case of the bird flu, or maybe he
had some bad acid and he made up a reindeer to help cure his loneliness.
All I know is that its a big injustice. They said in the song that he
would go down in history, but clearly this is not the case. Outside of
his song, he is remembered about as much as Rufus, the black apostle
they refuse to mention in the bible. But, I think the fault lies with
the big guy himself. He runs the whole damn operation, he needs to put
his fat fucking foot down and say “I have no more Rudolph shame, I’m
proud to claim him as my reindeer. Sure, he peeps on Mrs Claus and I
“gettin busy” and so he pisses in the egg nog, we need him on our
team.” I think we should all boycott Santa until he acknowledges
Rudolph. So this year, when that fat-bearded fuck comes stumbling down
your chimney in a druken haze, you should jab him in the ass with a hot
ass poker and say “No more free ride, Blubber Claus until you stop
playa hatin and recognize my coke addicted homey Rudolph!”

Damn, I have said it before and I will say it again: people don’t give
Lexuses as Christmas gifts. Now, I’m not married, but something tells
me if a husband gets a Lexus for his wife for Christmas, the first
thing she is doing to say is “Great fuckhead, where the hell are you
going to find the money to pay for this?” These commercials are so
annoying. And the worst part about it is the music, which plays as if
to say “Lalalalalalala, start your Christmas shopping at Lexus.” Do
they think we are just a country full of Oprah’s and Jordan’s who make
enough money wiping their asses to buy a Lexus for the whole family?
And what is with the fucking bow that is always around the car? They do
not make bows this large. And how exactly does one “hide” a Lexus from
their spouse? Sure, its tough enough to physically hide it. I mean,
imagine her surprise when she comes home from work to find a Lexus in
the driveway. “Bob, get your ass down these stairs right now! Are you
fucking your secretary again? Whose god damn Lexus is in the driveway?
I’m going to castrate you if you are cheating on me!!!!” And what
about the check? Most couples are crazy about their money. I think she
might be a little pissed when she finds out that you wrote a check for
the $10,000 down payment and you won’t tell her what it is for. “Fred,
you aren’t playing poker online again are you? Because if you are, you
can forgot about sex until your poker debt is paid off!!!” I don’t care
who you are, its kinda damn fucking hard to hide a check that large
from the checking account. She is going to think you have set up your
mistress with a time share in Boca Raton when she sees that much money
missing. And then what are you going to do? You would have to ruin the
surprise. And its not like its easy to buy a car. You would have to be
gone for a good 3 or 4 hours, now try explaining that one to your wife.
Its the middle of December, you can’t exactly say you were playing
golf. And since car dealerships are closed on Sundays, you can’t use
the “honey, I’m going to the Bears game” as an excuse. And, whats even
worse, is that with cell phones, they can call you in the middle of the
damn test drive, then what are you going to do? Crash the fucking car
trying to come up with a lie good enough to tell her so that she
doesn’t think you are cheating or off buying her Christmas gift? Just
keep things simple and buy her a fucking diamond, after all, it will
fit under the tree.

Wow, the Bears won again! I have been neglecting them over the course
of the season, as least in terms of writing about them. I have been
watching them every week though. I don’t want to get nuts, but I have
to say, they have got a great chance to go to the Super Bowl. I think
the only team in the NFC that would stop them would be Seattle, who is
quietly having a great season. At this point, the Bears are all but
assured of at least going to the playoffs.

Last night we had a game night of sorts at Keith and Heather’s house.
We played a very fun game called “Imagine if….” which is a game
where………..ahhhhh, its tough to explain in writing, you are just
going to have to play it yourself. Afterwards we played some cards with
chips but not for any money. It was cool, and since it wasn’t real
money, I didn’t have to worry about losing my ass. The best part was
that it was dealer’s choice. Sure, I love Texas Hold ‘Em, but its not
like dealers choice. The most fun I ever had playing cards was playing
dealer’s choice over at Keith and Heather’s old house. I  just
remember laughing so much and having such a great time.

Recently, there has been a rash (or so it seems) of people getting hit
by cars and cars getting hit by trains. Now, I don’t want to sound
mean, but what the fuck? People always want to blame the driver of the
car or the conductor of the train for these tragedies, but honestly,
how can you NOT blame the pedestrian or the driver? I mean, one of the
big rules about transportation is to stay on the road or the track. If
the train were on the road and hit a car or if the car was driving on
the sidewalk and hit the pedestrian, I could see. But, what the hell is
the car doing on the railroad tracks anyway? I’m no expert on
transportation, but seems to me that the easiest way to avoid a train
is to stay off the tracks. And if I want to avoid a car hitting me, the
most important thing I would do is NOT play in traffic. Studies have
shown that playing in traffic or spending too much time loitering in
the middle of a busy road is unhealthy. Sure, I would imagine some
drivers might be speeding or doing something they shouldn’t be doing
(like talking on a cell phone) but these people would get hit if they
looked both ways before they cross the street in the first place. Sure,
its tough to assign blame to somebody whose body is flattened on the
pavement like a pancake, but what were they doing in the middle of the
road to begin with? And as for trains and cars, are these fucking
drivers blind, hard of hearing, or just fucking stupid. There are all
sorts of bells and whistles at train tracks for a reason. There is even
a thing that comes down trying to prevent you from going. These are all
signs that maybe continuing is not a good idea. If you are dumb enough
to keep going after all of this, then you are beyond help. So, when the
huge locomotive comes bearing down on you at 70mphs, your last thought
probably shouldn’t be “oh shit, there really is a train coming” but
intead “Fuck me, I should have listened to the 10 fucking warning signs
saying to stop.”

Wow, it seems like forever since my last post, so I have got a lot to
update. Wednesday night we met at Geno’s East for dinner. Much to my
surprise and unlike every other year we have done this (we go every year
the night before Thanksgiving) I was not the first one there. In fact,
Randy, Scooty and Heather were all already there. Shortly thereafter,
John, Dave and Kelli and Keith arrived. The pizza, of course, was very
good, but I have to say, I was a tad disappointed. It seemed like it
was not as good as it was the last time we ate there. We had the
cheeseburger pizza and the meat lovers pizza, both deep dish of course.
After Geno’s, the plan was to head to Clem’s. Dave was up in the air
about going, but eventually decided to go. We go out to the car (I was
going to give him a ride) and he walked up to my car and said “hang on,
I’ll be right back” and went back to Kelli’s car. The next thing I
knew, he was in her car and they were pulling away. Crazy Dave thing, I
guess.

Clem’s was fun. First, we played darts, and I actually kicked some
fucking ass. One of the games was really exciting, it was the last
round and I was the last to throw. Randy was winning and I needed a big
final round to beat him. I was down to my last throw and I hit a
bullseye to beat him by one point.  We played quite a few games
while waiting for the pool table to open up. As it turned out, I was
not nearly as good at pool as I was at darts.

I was so pissed Thanksgiving morning. Of course, I went to bed late the
night before. I woke up at 8AM to the sound of hammering outside. Turns
out, the people across the street and a couple of houses down were
putting up new siding and shingles. What is it about people in my ‘hood
doing shit early in the morning on holidays? Last Christmas, the
jackass next door was building something outside at 6:45AM! It just
seems like every time I have a day off there is some sort of loudness
going on outside. I only had a few days off over the summer which I
spent at home and 2 of those days, they were doing construction right
the fuck in front of my house. And, of course, they weren’t done with
the shingles and siding this morning and it kept me up again. I’m off
’til Tuesday and my fear is that they will be doing this each damn
fucking day!

Thanksgiving was cool too. We were having Mark and Amy and Amy’s
parents over. John was cooking all the normal stuff, turkey, sweet
potatoes, mashed potatoes and I think that was it actually. Funny story
about the mashed potatoes, John put sour cream in it and it turned out
to be sour cream that expired on Nov 6! Amy’s mom said that as long as
the container wasn’t opened, it should be fine, which was the case. The
turkey actually turned out really good, as did everything else. After
dinner, we played a game called Outwageous, which is a trivia game and
people bet on if you are going to get the question right or wrong. We
don’t play with real money (although, i would like to sometime), but
its still fun. We separated into 3 teams of 2. I was on Amy’s mom’s
team. We didn’t do as good as I thought we would. In fact, we finished
in last! Mark and John won, in spite of the fact that they only answered
3 questions right. They were very good at betting, though. After that
game, we played another game called Horse Racing (its hard to explain)
which we DID play for money. Nothing crazy, just nickels, dimes, and
quarters. I did ok, but since it was all spare change, I can’t say if I
won or not.

Today we put up Christmas shit. I’m starting to like this less and less
each year. This year, I had little to no interest in putting anything
up. I remember when I was a kid (and shit, even just 4 or 5 years ago)
I really liked doing it and looked forward to it. A lot of people might
think it has something to do with watching my mom die this time of year
back in 1999, but really its not even that. Its the fact that putting
all this up is a lot of work and with me becoming more and more anti
religious each year, I like Christmas a little less each year. Although,
I still want to write a book some day called “the Atheist’s Guide to
Christmas.”

Tonight, I went to Mark and Amy’s house just to hang out. We played
pool, darts and air hockey. Nothing too exciting, so just use your
imagination.

I got a promotion at work today. This is going to pay me about $1.25
more an hour. Its not the promotion I was looking for (I still might
get that one) but will take it for now.

I love this time of year. I remember a time when I was about 10 or 11
and it was the night before Thanksgiving and my mom was in the kitchen
making Thanksgiving dinner. And I was in the living room dancing to the
Weather Channel for hours. Yeah, I was an odd boy.

You know what term I have always found funny? Boogie. Just say it.
Boogie. See, it sounds funny. And, its very close to the word booger.
The think that makes it even more funny, is its duel meaning. People
always talk about the boogie man and how awful and scary he is. Yet,
when people talk about dancing, they sometimes refer to it as boogie.
So, if you think about it that way, what is so damn scary about a
dancing man. I mean, he might be goofy or annoying, but there aint much
scary about a dancer, such as Usher. Ok, so Michael Jackson is
downright creepy and scary, especially if you are a little boy. But,
just how did the term get to have a duel meaning?  I mean, there
are kids that are legitimately scared of the boogie man, yet these same
children run around dancing, so does that make these children
hypocrites? I mean, talk about calling the kettle black. They sit there
and boogie but are afraid of a “boogie man”. Maybe they are just
jealous that the “boogie man” would dance better than them. To save the
children the embarrassment of being afraid of their own kind, we should
come up with a different term for the boogie man, such as the Jacko man
or the freaky man. You know, just so that there is no more confusion. I
mean, suppose a kid that is afraid of dancing because he thinks he
would turn into the boogie man. Or maybe they hear that the boogie man
is in the house so they start looking for him because they want to
dance and when they find him, the boogie man steals the kid’s nose. Now
you can see how serious this is and why we need some sort of
distinction.

Have any of you heard about Bush getting stuck in that room in China?
He tried walking out a set of double doors, pushing and pulling on each
door, but to no avail. The look on his face was priceless. Anywho,
Letterman had a pic of him trying to get out and did a very funny Top
10 list about it

Top Ten Thoughts Going Through George W. Bush’s Mind At This Moment”

BIG NEWS PEOPLE!!! Oprah is going to be on Letterman!!!! Mark your calendars, its next Thursday, Dec 1!!!!

I showed up to work naked again today. They said if it happens again,
they are going to have to take disciplinary action. I think that means
they are going to buy me clothes.

I haven’t done one of this survey things in a while, so you people are
going to put up with my lame answers………..unless of course, you
choose not to read this, which I must say, you should probably skip it.

1. What time did you get up this
morning? Well, I got up about 6:45ish, but my penis had already been up
for a good 45 minutes……….stupid dreams about Mickey Rooney!!!

2. Diamonds or pearls?  I have always been a fan of pearl necklaces

3. What was the last film you saw at
the cinema?  The cinema…………what the hell is this, Europe in the 1950s?

4. What’s your favorite TV shows? You
guys would never guess this, but it is a show about a cartoon
family………shit, whats it called again????? The Desperate Simpsons
or something like that.
5. What did you have for breakfast this
morning?  The new Peanut Butter Cookie Crisp. Very disappointing.
It tries very hard to be like Peanut Butter Crunch, but instead, well,
its sorta like……….suck. It sucks.
6. What’s your favorite cuisine? Cooked food.
7. What food do you dislike? Not many. Coconut and I have always been pretty big enemies.

8. What is your favorite chip flavor? Poker
9. What’s your favorite CD at the moment?  American Idiot, Green Day. Part of it is about George W Bush.
10. What kind of car do you drive? Sorry, but I don’t pay attention to detail, so lets just say its a Cadillac. !
11. Favorite sandwich? I really don’t know, but you can never go wrong with a nice big sausage between 2 fat buns, right?
12. What characteristics do you despise?  Lying
13. Favorite item of clothing?  Sorry, I ain’t a chick and I’m not gay enough to care about clothes
14. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation where would it be? Oh Vegas, why do you call me so much

15. What color is your bathroom? Color? who the fuck cares about color………..I’m just trying to avoid the smell
16. Favorite brand of clothing? Isn’t that pretty much the same as number 13
17. Where would you retire to? Same place, but with all my fucked-up, fun and crazy ass friends.
18. Favorite time of the day?  Is 5:57PM taken?
19. What was your most memorable birthday? Now, if it was memorable, it wouldn’t be much fun than, would it?
21.
Favorite sport to watch? Ohhhhh, you gotta love that “Dancing with the
Stars” right? Come on people, you know what my fav sport is
22. Who do you least expect to send this back? I don’t know, I don’t have any idea who I’m going to send this to
23. Person you expect to send it back first: Uh, Jt……………..HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAA!!!!!!!!!
24.
What kind of detergent do you use? I have always been a big fan of
Clorox on the rocks, man, that shit will knock you right the fuck out!
25. Were you named after anyone? I try to pretend I wasn’t named after my mother’s father
26.
Do you wish on stars? like which stars? Like, Oprah yes, but why would
anybody wish on a “star” like Tony Danza, he is a talentless bum
27.
When did you last cry? This morning why I accidentally heard 3/4 of a
second of that really lame Scott Stapp song. Man, talk about a suckfest
28. Do you like your handwriting?  I don’t know, I can never read what I wrote.
29.
If you were another person, would YOU be friends with yourself? Well,
sometimes, I’m a dick, othertimes, I’m goofy, but I am always reliably
entertaining, so you are always guaranteed something interesting and
that is really what life is all about, right
30. Are you a daredevil? Eh, if the dare doesn’t involve extreme pain or instant death, sure
31. Do looks matter?  hells motherfucking yeah………..unless somebody is looking at me, in which case, no.
32.
How do you release anger? Sometimes, I pick cars out at random in
parking lots and walk across the hood Usually, it works, but except for
that cop car that was moving………..long story short, I’m still
working the old folks home for that one
33. Where is your second home? In the can
34.
What were your favorite toys as a child? Mark’s face, I spent so much
time punching it that it really became my happy place. In fact,
sometimes, nowadays, I punch him square in the eye just to go back to
my childhood……….it makes me cry
35. What class in High
School was totally useless?  Biology. I didn’t need to dissect a
frog and I probably could have figured out………come to think of it,
the whole damn class was pointless
36. Do you use sarcasm a lot? Uhhhhhh………………..no?
37.
Do you think that you are strong? Oh yeah. In fact, this one time, I
held a whole gallon of milk over my head for a solid 8 count!!!
38. What’s your favorite ice cream flavor?  chocolate all the way. Anybody who thinks any differently should be committed.

39. What are your favorite colors?  Blue, unless I’ve got blue balls.

40. Who do you miss the most? 
Haaaa………uh, Bill Clinton, back then the only war we had to focus
on was the one between he and his wife
41. What color pants are you wearing? who said I was wearing pants?
42. What are you listening to right now?  The sound of my fingers typing!

44. If you were a CRAYON what color
would you be?  I wouldn’t want to be a crayon, because I used to
eat crayons and life is never good when you are being digested by the
stomach of an 8 year old. Or in my case, a 26 year old.
45. Last person you talked to on the phone? Danel. Fuck, why is every conversation with her 75 minutes long?
46. What is the first thing you notice about the opposite sex:  Oh, tits……….no thanks, I’ll pass
47. Favorite Drink?  I’m all about the Pepsi
48. Do you wear contacts? With my glasses………….no
49. Favorite Day(s) of the Year?  Opening day……..I still think the Cubs have a chance

50. Hugs or Kisses? what about sucky sucky? thats good too
51.
What Is Your Favorite Dessert?  One word: Eli’s Chocolate Chip
Cheesecake, pound for pound, the best dessert on the planet.
52. What Book(s) Are You Reading?  only 3 different books
53.
What Did You Watch Last night on TV?  The Bulls game and the
Simpsons, along with a few other things. I was pretty worn out and
hungover

What a busy and fun day. First, I arrived at Dave and Kelli’s for the
first time at about 1:30. I helped set up tables and seats and did
several other things as well, such as eat cookies and
candy…………..you know, important shit. I stood there for about an
hour before heading home to get dressed and get more shit. I returned
for good at about 4 in the PM, at which time I prepared some of the
appetizers and shit like that. It was at this time that I had my first
of many glasses of wine. MANY glasses of wine. Dave on the other hand,
had already been drinking straight Brandy on the rocks. Don’t ask me
why he was drinking this, its just what he wanted to drink. People were
supposed to start arriving between 5 and 6 and at this point, Dave
finally started getting the turkey deep fryer ready. He “set it up” on
the sidewalk near the street. Its always recommended that you keep these
things as far from the house as possible. Its also recommended that you
face the burner towards the pan instead of towards the ground. Cooking
is always more effective when the flame is going up towards the meal
being cooked. This little tidbit of info seemed to be lost on not only
Dave, but also me as we stood there staring at this damn upside down
flame. Of course, by this time we were both plenty drunk. Now, I’m not
really an authority on fire prevention, but perhaps one should not fool
around with fire while drunk. In this case, the only thing that
happened was the sidewalk got a little burned and it took us a lot
longer to cook the turkey. After having the burner upside down for
about 20 minutes (we could not figure out why it was taking so long for
the oil to boil) Craig came up to us and noticed the mistake. Dave
instantly said not to tell anybody what we had done, but I of course
had to share this with everybody as they showed up. What the hell, it
was pretty damn funny. Even Dave found it funny.

People were arriving a little later than expected, which wound up being
good, because not only was the deep fried turkey a long way from being
done, but so was the 27 pound turkey that was in the oven. It was ok,
though, because we had plenty of appetizers to snack on. When we
finally sat down to eat, it was past 8! Normally, the goal is to be
eating by 6:30, a goal we usually never make but this was later then we
have ever eaten.

After dinner I headed for the smoking lounge Dave had set up in the
garage for a chocolate flavored cigar. When I took it out of the
package, I could smell the chocolate, but that was it, it didn’t really
taste like chocolate at all and didn’t smell like it while it was lit.

Really, the whole night went by really fast, but at the same time,
slow. Don’t ask me to explain this, as I have no idea how this could
be. All the food was pretty good, but I have to be honest, I was a
little disappointed in the deep fried turkey. We had so many issues
cooking it, that I think it could have been a lot better. People
actually started to leave pretty early, just about everybody was gone
by about 11ish. Dave, on the other hand, had passed out upstairs about
10:30. I found out later on that he had been feeling sick, not like
throw up sick, but fever sick. The rest of us sat up talking for a
couple of more hours. Kelli finally went to be about 12:30. Keith,
Heather and I sat up playing video games. Do you have any idea how hard
Tetris becomes when one is drunk? I mean, damn. Of course, Heather was
just as drunk as I was, so that certainly helped in beating her. After
a little while, Keith and I started playing Pac Man Fever while Heather
fell asleep on the couch. It was pretty funny, because I was passing
out while I was playing. In fact, the whole time we were playing Pac
Man Fever was a complete blur. Somehow, I managed to win a couple of
games, which was funny because I had my eyes closed for a good portion
of the time. Finally, about 2:20, I gave up and went upstairs to bed.
Keith continued to play video games (primarily Risk) until about 4:30.

I woke up and got out of bed about 8AM, tired and hungover. Soon, Dave
followed as did Kelli and Heather. The house was a mess, so we had to
take some time to clean it up. Keith was still asleep upstairs, until
Dave started singing that stupid Journey song that was the Sox theme
song. All of a sudden, in mid verse, we hear Keith start singing along
from upstairs. Funny shit. Anywho, we had leftovers and watched the
Bears game before heading home.

Man, yesterday, I was mad busy. I had a half day of work, so I didn’t
go in until 12:15. I got off at 4 and was going to play cards at 7 in
the PM in Montgomery. This gave me 3 full hours to kill. I started off
by going to AAA to see some former co-workers. Its always weird to go
back there. I feel both like an intruder and like I’m right at home. So
many familiar faces, yet I really have no business being there. But,
since most of them like me, its not a problem at all for any of them.
In fact, a few of them even wanted to see me. There was this one guy
that found Danel and I absolutely hilarious really wanted to see us.
Danel and I have such great chemistry together that if she weren’t
involved in her get rich over a gradual course of time scheme and cult,
we could almost be a comedy team; you know, sorta like Martin and Lewis,
Abbott and Costello and Briggs and Stratton. Anywho, I stood there for
about an hour before heading to the mall.

At this point, I was so damn hungry, and not feeling very well at all.
Earlier in the day, I saw my boss eating Portobello Garlic Bisque soup
from Panera and it looked and sounded very good. So, I decided on
Panera. And I have to say, it was pretty damn good. Once again, Rene is
working at one of those stands in the mall, so I sought her out. I hung
out with her for about 20 minutes or so before she kicked me out so
that she could train her co-worker, Vito. Yes, thats right, I said
Vito. What is even funnier about it, is that Vito is one of Tony and
Brittney’s friends (Rene’s kids) and can’t be any older then 19.
Imagine, a teenager named Vito. Ain’t that awesome?

Next I headed over to play cards. We will skip this whole experience.

I got home about 10ish. Dave had told me he needed help setting up his
house for today. So, I called him and headed over there. Sometimes,
Dave is so damn accommodating for people. He is setting up his picnic
table in his garage so that people can smoke in there. He is also going
out and buying a couple of space heaters so that we won’t be cold while
smoking in the garage (no, I don’t smoke, but I did buy some chocolate
flavored cigars, so you bet my ass is going to be out there). What a
guy! Anywho, when I first got there he asked me if I was “in for the
long haul” meaning it was going to be a long night. I told him yes and
asked him if he had anything to eat. He said he wanted to order pizza.
I said that wasn’t necessary, but he insisted and also paid for the
whole thing. We then moved the picnic table and chairs from the
backyard to the garage. I don’t know why this always happens to me, but
I stepped in so much dog shit from his damn dogs that the bottom of my
shoes were covered in it. In fact, it was caked on. Dave on the other
hand, did not step in any dog shit. Now, these shoes are fairly new, I
have had them for at the most 2 months and actually, probably closer to
a month. Dave felt pretty bad about the whole thing and being the kind
of guy he is, cleaned the shoes for me. Of course, cleaning meant using
the hose to wash the shit off. This made for very cold feet, as we
still had to run back to my house and do shopping.

Anywho, I have got a busy day ahead of me, so now I must go. Thanks for
reading people………..ok, thanks for at least visiting, as I know
nobody would read this boring ass post

Today at work we had a 4 hour class on diversity. I, of course, was
very excited about this class and found it very interesting. No, I’m
not being sarcastic, I really did. The first little exercise involved 3
volunteers (me being one of them) to leave the room while the others
(there were a total of 28 people in this class) formed groups. The
point was to exclude the 3 of us from the groups. We could do anything
to try to get into these groups as long as we did not use profanity or
use too much touching. We walked in and they were separated into 3 or 4
groups. They were all standing in several circles with their arms
connected talking to each other. My idea was to take a box of Crayola
Markers and try to bribe our way into the groups because, hey, who
doesn’t like markers. Plan B was to give them money. Neither worked. I
moved onto another group where I got all sorts of loud and obnoxious.
Yeah, imagine me, obnoxious. I was standing on a chair saying all sorts
of shit, offering money, markers and mints to get into the group. I had
one girl laughing so hard, she was practically in tears and very close
to cracking. I swear if I had another 30 seconds, we would have been
in. Instead, the teacher lady person put a hault to this little fun
charade.

Another exercise involved each table representing a different
generation (the pre-baby boomers, the baby boomers, gen X and gen Y);
each table had to list how that specific generation views itself and
how others view that generation. We had the pre-baby boomer generation,
which was my parents generation. I found out a lot of interesting
stuff. For example, I never thought that I was much like my parents.
But, some of the characteristics of their generation I see in myself.
Like, hardworking (yes, I do work hard………I know some of you might
not believe that) and being loyal. Of course, I also have some traits
of the baby boomers, which is the influence of my sister, who is a
boomer, on me. Ironically enough, I didn’t see all that much of Gen X
in me. X-ers are also known as the me generation and don’t really have
an interest in politics or world affairs, which is pretty much the
opposite of me. It was also interesting to see how much alike Gen Y and
the baby boomer generations are, at least in the views (and they were
pretty accurate, based on everything I have read) of the people in this
class. The whole class was very interesting, I wish it were longer.

I went shopping for Friends Thanksgiving tonight. As usual, Dave and I
are going all out (some would say we are crazy) for this. After all,
its only once a year. Why not go all out and celebrate life, friends,
and family. Then again, our friends pretty much celebrate every holiday
with each other. Sure, we don’t actually spend the holiday together,
but when I think about it, we pretty much cover every holiday. We get
together on all the summer holidays. We have a Halloween party. We have
Thanksgiving the week before the real Thanksgiving. We have a Christmas
party. We usually have New Years together. Damn, my friends kick
fucking ass!!!

You know what I find downright amusing, but not in a good sort of way,
but instead in a “how fucking stupid and annoying” sort of way? Those
church signs. You know what I’m talking about. They are in front of the
church and have the name of the church on it, along with some sort of
so-called “inspirational” saying. You know, because reading this is
going to make somebody change their entire life. That one simple line
is going to save somebody. The lame part is that the sign tries to be
clever by saying something like “When you are lost there is only one
way to turn………..Jesus” or “the best positions in life are
missionary.” To make matters even worse, its such a distraction. People
nearly get into accidents struggling to read these things. Sure, your
soul was saved, but while you were busy reading the sign, you ran over
a couple of 1st graders on their way to school, taking their lives.
But, as my mom said, God doesn’t take a life without replacing it. I’m
sure that’s going to be of great consolation to the parents of these
kids. Maybe this is how the signs are effective. After somebody runs
somebody over and they are charged with vehicular homicide, they pretty
much turn to Jesus to save themselves.

What is even more annoying than the church signs, is the Godly
answering machine. You call the number, you get the machine, the
greeting on the machine starts off by leaving a verse from the bible,
because, what you need as you are leaving a message to tell the person
that you are going to be late is time wasted to tell you how you could
be going to hell. All you are thinking is “come on fucker, just give me
the damn beep, for Christ’s sake, traffic is bad.” I mean, it might
make a little bit of sense if you happen to be using your only call to
have your friend come and bail you out of jail. Maybe you can be saved
then. But, no, instead, you have to sit through this message just so
that you can tell the person that you are going to be able to make it
to aunt Hilga’s surprise 80th birthday party. I just can’t imagine these
messages having an effect on anybody. Of all the stories of people
finding God, nobody ever says “I was saved when I heard the message on
cousin Steve’s machine. The words. They just really moved me and made
me realize what I have been missing my entire life.” Can’t these people
just have a normal answering machine greeting? You know, by having
their kid that can barely speak a complete sentence leave an almost
equally annoying message stating that they can’t come to the phone?
Maybe they have these greetings in case a telemarketer calls and they
can be saved by the greeting. Because, when one is selling newspapers
or aluminum siding, some words of inspiration from the good book is
just what they need.

Once again people, its time for another episode of “Pat Robertson says
the Dumbest Things.” I think this one pretty much speaks for inself.

Pat Robertson Warns Pa. Town of Disaster

In October 2003, he suggested that the State Department be blown up
with a nuclear device. He has also said that feminism encourages women
to “kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and
become lesbians.”

I’m not even going to get into much of last night’s card game except to
say that sometimes you play bad, sometimes you have bad luck, and
sometimes you are just really fucking stupid. Last night, I was really
fucking stupid.

One cool thing about last night, though, my cousin Ann had a chocolate
fondoo set. At least, I think it was a fondoo set. It was a chocolate
fountain and we kept dipping anything we could find into it, such as
cookies, brownies, bananas, strawberries, marshmallows, potato chips,
Ritz crackers and other things I can’t remember. I think I must have
had too much, because today I have had a stomach ache all day long
and…………….spent some time in the bathroom. More on that later.

Damn, what a Bears game today. Lots of goofiness, but all and all, it
was a great game, despite the fact that both quarterbacks combined to
throw for less than 100 yards. The wind was so crazy, blowing the ball
all over the place. I saw things I had never seen before in a football
game, such as a field goal that was missed and ran back 108 yards for a
touchdown and another field goal that was dead on until the wind got
ahold of it and blew it way the fuck into the stands.

I met Bryan today. We agreed to meet at Barnes in Noble in Joliet. I
arrived about 7:45ish. I wandered around looking for him, but since I
had only seen pictures of him, I was not positive of what he looked
like. In fact, it had been a couple of weeks since I saw the pics, so I
sorta forgot what he looked like. I even spent a few minutes checking
out this cute guy who I thought might be him and I had gotten a gay
vibe from. He was in an aisle reading a book and I kept trying to get
his attention and to make eye contact with him, but he just wasn’t
looking. After about 10 minutes or so, I saw a very cute guy walk
through the door. He looked around and walked up to me. He asked me if
I was Mike and I looked at him, punched him in the lip and ran out. Ok,
so that didn’t happen. But, he did ask me my name and I asked him his.
We walked around for a few minutes before heading for the coffee
section area. We waited in line to get coffee during which I made
several cracks about how there are too many coffees nowadays. We got up
to the counter and the lady told us which coffees they had. One of them
sounded a little like Karma Sutra, so I made some jokes about that
which in turn made the ladies working there and Bryan laugh. So far, so
good. In fact, he laughed at most of my jokes……………and, I
think he truly found them funny. He has got great blue eyes and a very
handsome face. In fact, he has previously done some modeling. He almost
looks like a young thin, better looking Elvis. We talked for a while
while drinking hot chocolate (me) and coffee (him) before he asked to
step outside and have a smoke. We sat out there for a few minutes
before heading in. Now, remember earlier how I said I was having
some……..er……….bathroom issues. Well, they never went away.
This makes for a tough night when you want to have a good first
impression. After we were back inside for a while, I excused myself to
the can, where it was more talk than action. I could see that I could
not keep up with this for much longer. I told him that it was best that
I go home. Since he had gotten a ride (he just moved up here from
Georgia) I gave him a ride home. We got slightly lost on the way, which
normally would not be a big deal, but I was not feeling well at all, if
you get my drift. I eventually found his house and dropped him off. I
wanted very badly to kiss him, but my other needs were definitely taking
a priority at that time, so I dropped him off and hurried the fuck
home. I did however, call him once I got settled back at home and we
talked for about 40 minutes. We are supposed to go out again tomorrow
night, and hopefully, I will be feeling much better.