I was supposed to go out with some co-workers tonight because today was
the last day for this one lady that I work with, but she backed out at
the last second. This is the second time this has happened this month
(we all were supposed to go out for another lady’s last day a few weeks
ago), so it sorta sucks. So, I wound up staying in and watching my new
Goodfellas special edition DVD. Damn, that movie is so fucking good. It
is, after all, my 2nd favorite movie of all time (right behind Spice
World. Ok, just kidding on that one). There was some good extras on the
dvd, but not as much as I expected. It really made me appreciate the
way the movie was filmed.

It got me thinking, though, what would the mafia be like today? Sure,
there is the Sopranos and sure, there might still be a mafia in some
form out there. But, what would today’s mafia be like? For example, do
you think they would be doing a lot of internet crime? You know,
instead of high jacking a cigarette truck, maybe they would just steal a
bunch of shit off of e-bay. And instead of meeting in some secret
location for a sit down, they would just go into some mafia chatroom
and have “virtual sitdowns.” And when it comes to deciding who gets
whacked, they do some sort of reality show contest. Maybe they can call
it “Who Wants to Get Whacked by a Mafia Millionaire?”. Of course, they
would have big Texas Hold-em tournaments, that’s a given. But, in
addition to dealing drugs, they would also be selling steroids to
baseball players. I just realized, for a post about the mafia, I’m not
using the F-word nearly as often as I should. And if the fucking mafia
were still fucking prevelant, there would be no motherfucking priest
molesting scandal in the fucking Catholic fucking church. Fuck no. And
when they did fucking whack somebody, to prove the person was dead,
they would fucking take a pic with their cell phones (or take a fucking
video) and show it to the mob bosses. “See, we fucking whacked Frankie
the rat, and I have pics and video to prove it!” And nothing proves
your loyalty to the family like a mafia tatoo. They would also be in
the motherfucking satellite tv racket, getting a cut of every satellite
put up in the area. And for updates on mafia goings on, you could
always check their websites or The Don’s blog. Now, I know what you are
thinking “Mike, you are a fucking dumbass, they would be caught so
easily if they did all of this” but use your fucking imaginations you
motherfucking cocksucking mutts!!!

Its a girl!!!! Kelli had the baby!!! YAAAAAYYYY!!! We are all very
excited about this. I went to see them tonight, the baby has got LOTS
of hair. In fact, she probably could use a haircut. Dave says that the
baby has “his mother’s man hands.” The funniest part about this
comment, though, is that his mother was standing right there when he
said this. In fact, he asked her to place her hands next to his so I
could see how their hands look alike. And then, he repeated about his
mother having man hands. Classic Dave. And, his mother didn’t get upset
or offended at all. I think she has come to expect this of Dave.
Anywho, the baby is adorable and I’m so happy for them.

Speaking of babies, my brother has a friend who shall remain nameless,
who has a baby that was born shortly after Addison (Addison was born on
Aug 9) that is…….well, to put it nicely, the baby is flat out ugly.
There is a pic of the family on Mark’s fridge and this baby is just
unsightly. And the thing is, the father is not ugly. The mother on the
other hand……….well, she can use a little more, how should I
say……….well, lets just put it this way, her face wakes up on the
wrong side of the bed each day.

Anywho, I’m tired. Tomorrow is my last half day Friday. Take care, people.

Well, Kelli is going to be induced tomorrow morning. They are at the
hospital now and Dave says that she is a little further along now than
they thought she would be. So, who knows, maybe the baby will even be
born tonight. Today is Nicole’s bday, so it would be sorta cool if the
baby is born today.

I’m so pissed at nature. Some bird must of had some bad Taco Bell,
because I went out to my car yesterday at work and saw that it had been
shit on probably about 8 times! What the fuck? Its supposed to be
winter and therefore, not many birds around. And, my car was in the
middle of the parking lot not near any trees. It reminded me of about 5
years ago when Christie parked her then new Jeep Cheroke in front of my
neighbor’s house and under their tree. The birds had a motherfucking
field day. It was the worst case of bird shitting on a car I had ever
seen. Her roof and hood were both FILLED with bird shit.

I was thinking if I have anything else to say, and I have to say, no, I
don’t. Sorry. Make up your own shit for the rest of this post.

Time for another update of a couple of busy days. Saturday afternoon,
we headed over to my cousin Tony’s house for Christmas Eve dinner and
shit. We arrived about 3:30 in the PM. We snacked on appetizers and
watched football while waiting for dinner. All the food was very very
good. Tony’s mother in law is Polish and Tony, of course, is Italian,
so we had a nice mix of Polish and Italian food. Damn, I love Polish
food.

After dinner, I played video games with Tony’s son (Nick) and stepson
(Dillon) both 11 years old. First, we played a football game, but I
don’t remember the name of it. It was fucked up, it was almost like we
were playing in a prison. There was no crowd and the players were
wearing shorts. I had no clue what I was doing. After that, we played
Donkey Kong, which was even more complicated. It was nothing like the
Donkey Kong I played as a kid; in fact, we were able to go underwater
and, in my case, attempt to swim. There was no jumping over barrels or
rescuing princesses. And, it was 2 people playing at the same time. I sucked-didily-ucked at it.

I love fucking with kids’ minds. For example, the boys were playing
some music, including “Push It” by Salt N Pepper. Now, earlier this
year, my cousin had “the talk” with them, so they now think (especially
Nick) that they know everything about that whole deal. He said he knew
what Push It was about. I told them that it was about a lady who was in
labor and they were encouraging her to push and breathe. Dillon, being
a sharp kid, knew I was kidding, but Nick was getting frustrated
because he thought I was just trying to sugar coat things for him.
Next, he played “My Humps” by Black-Eyed Peas. He said it was obvious
what that song was about. I told him it was about a lady who bought
some watermellons and other fruit from the grocery store. All of this
amused me and it frustrated Nick; although, he did still find it
funny.

Later on, I played Santa Claus for Tony’s other 2 kids (Ritchie, 2 next
month and Lucus, who was born this past May) and of course, Addison. As
soon as I walked up the stairs with the gifts in my hands, Ritchie
walked right up to me and tried taking the gifts from me. I kept him
from getting them and sat on a chair. I started to call names and hand
gifts out. I don’t know how this happened, but somehow, the gift I
bought for the grab bag (we did a white elephant grab bag among the
family) wound up with Addison’s gift from Santa. Mark took it and
started to open it. He was sitting right next to me as I was holding
Addison and I turned to him, in my normal not Santa Claus voice, and
said “Hey, what the hell are you doing, that’s the gift I brought for
the grab bag!” He got the gift about halfway opened before he stopped
and half assingly tried to put the wrapping paper back on the box. I
continued my gift giving duties and had some pics with the kids and
Tony.

After that, we did our grab bag. I wound up with a box of 30 mini bags
of M&M cookies. What the fuck am I going to do with all these damn
cookies? Sure, its cool; I will probably eat some of them, but 30
fucking bags? I guess I will bring them to work, but if any of you want
some bags, please let me know.

The rest of the night was cool, but uneventful. We left pretty early,
actually, about 10:15 or so. The next morning, I got up about 9:20 and
started to cook breakfast. Yes, its the one day of the year in which I
cook. Mark and Amy arrived right at about 9:30. John and I actually
shared in the cooking duties; since I can’t crack and egg, John made
eggs and hashbrowns, I made pancakes, corned beef hash, Texas Toast and
biscuits and gravy. Ok, so all I did with the gravy was warm it up in
the microwave, but shit, somebody had to slit the hole in the damn bag
and press the buttons on the microwave.

We opened up gifts about 11ish. My sister Roseann bought Addison a
little mini magnet with her name on it………but, there was one thing
wrong with it: the name on it said Allison instead of Addison. This
became a running joke throughout the course of the day and night,
especially since Amy’s sister’s name is Allison. I told Roseann that
unless she has something personalized, there probably won’t be too many
things with Addison’s name on it.

Remember a couple of weeks back when I said that I was going to wrap
only one of Amy’s bowling shoes up and tell her I only bought one?
Well, when it came turn for her to open her gifts, she opened up the
shoe and had a rather baffled look on her face and said “so, where is
the other shoe?” I told her I bought it online for half off and that
next year, she will have to go online and purchase the other shoe. She
kept asking, “so where is my other shoe? You didn’t seriously buy only
one shoe, did you?” Mark, who was in on the joke, asked me what I was
thinking buying only one shoe. Amy was having a hard time believing any
of this, but I kept on. The rest of the morning, she kept giving me
baffled looks as if to say “I know you have the damn shoe, where is
it?” Every few minutes, she would ask about the other shoe, I kept on
saying I did not have it. As she was getting ready to leave, she was
sure I would make with the other shoe, but I did not. She told me to
keep the shoe that I gave her until I get the other one. On the way
home, Mark said that he felt bad for her and apologized because he felt
like she got jipped (I also got her a cook book, but it wound up being
the wrong one).

We had plans to go to Amy’s parents house about 5PM. I had bought them
a little mini lame ass pillow that had some cheesy thing about
granddaughters on it. I wrapped it up in a shoe box and when we
arrived, Amy saw it and asked “Is that mine? Is that my other shoe?” I
told her no, it was for her parents and gave her mom the box. For the
next half hour, Amy and her mom grilled me and tried to get me to crack
and say that I was lying, but, although severely tempted, would not
budge. But, I was having a hard time keeping the joke going, so I went
out to the car and got both shoes. She was very appreciative and found
the whole thing very funny. She reluctantly admitted that she had
fallen for my joke.

Dinner was very good. Turkey, and all the normal shit that goes with
it. Afterwards, we watched the Bears clinch a first round bye in the
playoffs (that kicks total fucking ass! I think they have a decent shot
to lose to the Colts in the Super Bowl). I had started to drink wine
that Amy’s parents had. It was some very potent red wine. We also
played  Trival Pursuit Pop Culture 2 (I also got that for Amy)
which I kick ass at. Amy and I wound up on the same team, which sucked
for everybody else because she and I are the best players. Of course we
won, but it wasn’t as fun as it could have been for Amy. She hates
playing with me or against me because I have an answer (and usually the
right one) for just about every question. We play every Christmas, but
she won’t play any other time with me.

You people have to tell me if you ever had this happen to you before. I
don’t drink wine all that often, but I have never seen this happen to
anybody. The wine turned my mouth purple. My lips were so purple, it
looked like I was wearing lipstick. My teeth and tongue were both
purple. In fact, it was all still purple when I woke up this morning.
Even now, after I have eaten a lot of shit today, my teeth and tongue
still have a purple tint to them. What the fuck, man.

We left shortly after midnight, primarily because I was passing out on
the couch. I swear, drunk time flies. Again, I didn’t blackout, but the
whole ride home was a blur. All I know is that we were home about 12:30
or so.

I had a pretty fierce hangover for most of the day, but I still managed
to get out of bed at 8:45 this morning. I can never sleep late when I’m
drunk. Jt used to say he had the same problem; he would always wake up
at 8AM the morning after drinking no matter how late he went to bed. I
had plans to see Uvon, so I took some headache medicine, showered and
headed out there. I was feeling much better by the time I got there,
but that didn’t last. After leaving his place at about 12:30, I went to
Mark’s house to hang out and play games. I got there about 1:45 (after
stopping off at home for a few minutes) ate and then passed out on the
couch for an hour. By that time, John, and Amy’s parents had arrived. A
few more people arrived and we hung out and played pool and darts. I
played Mark in air hockey and actually somehow won. I was not feeling
well, so I left at 5:30, right about the time they busted out the
karaoke machine they got for Christmas. Ohhhhhh, karaoke, why do people
love it so?

First of all, I want to say that there is tragedy at the holidays, I
have lost a dear loved one. Dashboard Homer has died. I could see it
coming, last week, he was working off and on, earlier this week, his
voice was getting all weird, and finally, he has passed on to the great
dashboard in the sky. The good news, though, is that unlike actual
people, I can just go to the store and get a new one for only $7.99.

Yesterday at work, we had a sweets day. I, of course, brought Oreos,
because, whenever……..well, whenever food of any kind is involved,
Oreos should be involved too. Anywho, this one lady made these VERY
good brownie mint cookies. Also, there were these other chocolate chip
brownie type bars, they kicked so much ass it was like…….well, it
was like something that kicked ass. I had so much sugar and crap, that
after a while, I had a tummy ache. It was suggested to have peppermint
tea, which worked like a frickin’ charm.

By the way, I wore my Christmas Homer shirt, which my boss said was
not appropriate to wear at work. I have to say, she might of had a
point. Here is a partial pic of it

I should mention that although it looks like he is naked, he is in face
wearing a pair of briefs. I told my boss that because I was unsure if
it was ok to wear it, so I saved it for the Friday before Christmas,
the least professional day of the year.

After work, I had a couple of hours to kill, so I headed to Toys R’ Us
to try to recover my losses from the Great Gift Card Incident of 2005.
I waited in like for about 10 minutes to be told that since I bought it
from the Joliet Toys R’ Us, I should go there to have them void it out.
Works for me. This never happened, though. By the time I got home, I
had a message from Keith stating that they had found my gift card at
their house. I guess I accidentally brought it to there house when Santa
got dressed there last week. What a load off my chest, I really did not
want to go back to the Joliet store for fear of getting the worker that
sold it to me in trouble.

After Toys R’ Us, I headed to the VERY packed mall. Fucking people. I
went straight to the food court and ate from the Great Steak and Potato
place……….at least, my mind thinks that is the name of the place.
They have such good food. I then walked around the mall and visited
with Rene at the glass gallery for about 15 seconds, as they were
EXTREMELY busy. I walked around the mall and left, heading for Scott’s
with plenty of extra time. I even stopped at Farm and Fleet for the
first time ever. For some reason, I always thought they sold farm
equipment, but it turns out, its just sorta like a redneck version of
Meijer.

I was the first one at Scott’s house, arriving at 7:45ish. At first we
were worried that we would have a small game, but we eventually wound
up with a decent 8 person game. My old AAA rival Mike (who I have never
gotten along with, he was the one that bitched about my house
constantly when we played at my house back in June, you can read about
this in the June 12, 2005 post) arrived and instantly started talking
about the vasectomy he had 2 weeks ago. We had to hear about this thing
for the whole night. Dude, nobody gives a shit about your plumbing. So
you got your power cut off, so what. You aren’t the first person to be
disconnected, get over it. As for the game itself, I had a better
showing then I have recently,
finishing 4th and 5th. I left about midnight and got home at 1245ish.

I had to be at Christmas Eve breakfast at Cracker Barrel between 8:30AM
and 9AM, but Randy was kind enough to get there at 7:45 to reserve a
table for 22. I arrived about 8:45 and saw Randy on the phone trying to
reach everybody. He was told by the asshole staff at Cracker Barrel
that if people didn’t start arriving soon, they would give our tables
away. What the fuck? I called them 3 weeks ago and they told us that if
we needed a huge table, we should get there an hour early. Randy even
stopped there earlier this week and they told him the same thing. Now,
they want to take the tables from us. We never had this problem at Bob
Evans (we used to go to Bob Evans for Christmas Eve breakfast, but they
closed down, making all of us sad) and they are about the same
size………..in fact, they might even be smaller. Cracker Barrel has
good food, but the staff sucks. When I had called a few weeks earlier,
the manager dude was sorta rude to me. This morning I told Randy that
if they took our tables from us, I would never eat there again, and I
was serious about it. We told our friends 9AM. They are late every year
(in fact, they are late to everything we ever do) but it was never a
problem in the past. When you are talking about breakfast for 22
people, that amounts to a pretty large bill. If you can not or are too
stupid not to accommodate us, than fuck you, we will take our business
elsewhere. This made for a tense few minutes. I was partially
embarrassed about this, because to an extent, the restaurant had a
point. I told Randy that if we didn’t have people sitting at the second
table (we had 2 large tables) soon, I would give up that other table.
Fortunately, they all started to show up, pretty much all at once.

I sat next to Nicole during breakfast. We colored and played a
crossword puzzle while waiting for breakfast. While waiting, Chris’ son
Ben spilled his orange juice. One of the bitchy waitresses said to me
with a rude tone “if you will move, I can clean that up before the
floor gets sticky. Our main waitress, though, was very nice.

Dave got me the forth season of Seinfeld on dvd and Kelli got me a
Homer operation game. I’m assuming it kicks ass, but won’t be able to
confirm ass kicking status until I open it, which should be after this
post. I don’t know if you people have ever been to cracker barrel, but
they have a checker board there. Nicole and I played a game of Checkers
after breakfast, which I let her win It has been years since I played
and sorta forgot how to play.

For some reason, my nose was sorta runny today, even though I don’t
think I have a cold. I was head toward the bathroom behind a little boy
of about 7, who thought I was following him. He kept smiling and
turning around and when we got into the bathroom he said “are you
following me?” I said no and got some TP to wipe my nose. The little
boy was looking to get into one of the stahls and as I was wiping, I
heard him say “oh, this door is closed, its ok, I will just climb
underneath the door.” I quickly told him “uh, no, somebody is in there”
but it was almost too late, he was already on the floor. To make
matters even funnier, I think it might have been Mark in the stahl!!!

That’s all for now people. Must check out Operation Homer.

I found out today that the tow truck company has been fired from AAA.
Also, I was reminded that my ex boss’ name is listed as part owner of
the tow truck company, which means she is going down too. They are
saying that the company stole 2 million dollars in cars. Lets
comprehend this for a second. This cars are being given away for
charity, which means that they are not cars that are of a high value.
So, lets just assume that each of these cars are worth $5000, maybe
$10,000 at the most. Do you realize how many cars he would have to have
stolen? Fuck. Anywho, I have heard from other former co-workers about
this, and this is what some of them have had to say:
“What a XMAS BONUS this is I love it”
“I don’t really need anything else for Christmas!”
“He’s been sowing bad seeds and is about to reap a

 bad harvest”
“Thats fuckin sweet dude, thanks for the update !! That BaStArD will
finally burn !!! Wonder what his little girlfriend is thinking about
this…Ha HA”
So, there you go. Thats just some of the people and it shows how
severely disliked these people were. The more I thought about it, the
more I laughed and found joy in it. I talked to Danel tonight about it
for about a half hour, some people at AAA are shocked, others are not
suprised at all; all of them think that it couldn’t happen to a bigger
asshole.

So, a Republican judge in Pennsylvania has ruled that intelligent
design faith masquerading as science yesterday. U.S. District Judge
John E. Jones criticized the “breathtaking inanity” of the 2004
decision by the Dover Area School Board to insert intelligent design
into the science curriculum. First of all, I’m shocked that a judge,
who according to articles is a Republican who goes to church each week
and was appointed by Bush, would side against creation, or so called
“intelligent design.” Honestly, I can’t even see how this can even be a
debate. I don’t understand how something that can never be proved and
is just theory can even be considered to be taught in school. From all
that I have read, evolution is pretty damn close to fact and is
accepted by pretty much every sciencetist. Plus, we also have freedom
of religion and separation of church and state. So, that pretty much
means that there shouldn’t even be a debate about this; if we teach
intelligent design in our schools, we are selling our children short of
their education. We are discrediting science and doing a disservice to
educators and students everywhere. We need to teach fact, not opinion
in our schools. Fact, 4+4 is 8 (at least, I’m pretty sure it is, I
don’t have a abacus to confirm this); opinion math sucks ass. The way
I see, creation is just religion’s opinion and without it, their whole
belief system starts to crumble. I think that teaching creation dumbs
us down and makes us look like, well, dumbasses.

When common sense proved creation to be bullshit, the religious leaders
decided to come up with another fancier sounding term to try to make
creation sound smart and hence, the stupid term intelligent design
evolved from creation. Therefore, I think we evolutionists need to come
up with a fancy sounding term of our own………..you know, something
like “remarkable indifference”, or “orgasmic changes”. Something that
really says “hey, people, use some common sense here.” Of course, we
already have the full backing of science, intellect, and for now, the
US courts. But, you can damn well bet the creationists are going to be
trying to come back stronger than ever; I’m sure they will go through
some sort of metamorphais or evolve into something that they can use to
argue their side. So, we need to remain vigilant in our defense of what
makes sense. We need to keep moving forward, even as they try their
damnest to bring us back to our primitive thinkings.

Speaking of religion, did anybody watch the Barbara Walters special
last not on Heaven? I don’t normally watch her, but the Bulls were
getting whipped by the Charlotte fucking Bobcats (I mean, what the
fuck!!!) so I switched over and found it very interesting. She
interviewed a lot of people from a lot of different religions,
including a Jew (Jackie Mason) a Christian (some born again
Evil-angelical, the leader of the whole thing, uh, whats his name?), a
Muslim (a failed suicide bomber, if you fail, you are basically
screwed) and a Buddhist (the Dalai Lama, spelling please). It was very
interesting to see people’s belief systems and to sit back and pick it
apart. I just hope that a lot of people watched it so that they can see
others views and open their mind, not to try the other religions, but
instead to lessen the hate and disrespect of others. The 2 things that
all of these people had in common was an after life, and the unwavering
belief that their way was the right way, and all the others are fucked
for not agreeing. Ok, so the Dalai Lama didn’t really believe that the
others were fucked, but all the others pretty much did. Watching this
made me feel both hopeful and frustrated. There is still too much
arrogance in religion. For example, this other Atheist at work that
watched it too was saying that a lot of people have been coming up to
her recently trying to talk her into becoming one of them (all of them
Christians, mind you); one lady even went as far as to give her a book
to read. A born again at work found out I was a non-believer and told
another co-worker that “I just don’t know and I need to learn.” Danel
always tells me I need to “find Jesus and have Jesus in my life,
otherwise I will go to hell.” Who the fuck do these people think they
are? They sad part is that they think they are “saving” me and doing
their Christian duty. But, how arrogant of them to try to tell me how
to lead my life and tell me what to do. They don’t preach to me about
other things, like what to eat or what kind of car to drive. These
people, they are so brainwashed and diluted into thinking their way is
the only way, they don’t stop to see that their way is not the right
way for everybody. It pisses me right the fuck off. And if I turn them
down, you know what they say? Ok, well then I will pray for you. No, I
don’t want you to fucking pray for me. I don’t need your prayers and am
offended that you say that to me. Sure, I know you THINK your
intentions are good, but damnit, my beliefs are  private and my
own business (I’m well aware of the irony of me saying that it is
private as I put this on a website for the whole world to see, so no
need to point that out) and I don’t need your prayers, but instead,
just your respect for my beliefs and choices.

I ain’t got much today. The other day, I bought a $100 giftcard at Toys
R’ Us for my nieces in Denver. I thought I had the damn giftcard when I
got home, but have been unable to find it. The thing is, I’m not 100%
positive that it was in my bag when I left the store. The cute kid
behind the counter was very sleepy and, for lack of a better term, a
flake. I bought several things from the store and was looking in the
bag for the card. He asked me if it was in there and I said “yeah, I
think I see it.” and went on my way. I was wrapping gifts on Sunday and
was unable to find it. I may have lost it, but I think he might not
have put it in the bag. Now, I don’t want to get the dude in trouble,
but I have to go and try to get it back.

I found out today that my ex boss at AAA, her fiance has been charged
in a crime of stealing cars that people donated for charity. Check out
the link here

http://cbs2chicago.com/video/?id=19000@wbbm.dayport.com

Now, I’m usually not one to take joy in the misfortune of others, but I
could not help but laugh at this. First of all, my former boss is a
psycho bitch. And, her fiance, who owned a tow truck company that AAA
contracted (talk about a conflict of interest, my boss was the manager
of the Quality Assurance Dept) and he was a COMPLETE prick and asshole
to just about everybody, so this could not happen to a bigger asshole.
Plus, this is not his misfortune, but rather his own stupidity. Anywho,
thats all for now, I’m too busy right now.

HOLY SHIT! The Bears switched quarterbacks last night in the middle of
the game!!! This is great news, since Rex Grossman is much better. And
since Orton grew that awful beard of his, he is also hotter. And I’m
not the only one that thinks Orton’s bears is really bad looking, it
seems to be of topic in the local media as well. Anywho, just compare
their pics, you tell me who is hotter. Of course, this pic is without
beard for Orton.

Grossman                         
Orton

The main thing, though is that the Bears won and are one win from winning the division. Yay!

I’m very disappointed. I lost in my fantasy football playoff game. Next
week, I play for 3rd place, and the difference between 2nd & 3rd is
$10, not a lot of money, but I still hope I win. In my other league, I
had a bye the first round and my playoffs start next week.

Work was so fucking busy today. It sucked!

Now, I don’t expect any of you to understand this unless you work in a
call center. But, when people call a business, their voice changes. Its
weird. They almost always start the conversation off with the typical
“Uh, yes, my name is Rosie Cheeks and blah blah blah, I’m a loser.” Why
the voice? My mom was always guilty of “the voice”. And she could turn
it off and on at the drop of a hat. She would call a number, be put on
hold and while on hold be screaming bloody murder at me for some reason
“MICHAEL! YOU SONOFABITCH! YOU AT LUNCH ON A SUNDAY, THAT’S IT, YOU ARE
FUCKING GROUNDED UNTIL NEXT GODDAMN FUCKING SUNDAY!!” (we were not
allowed to eat lunch on Sundays growing up. I’m not making that up).
The person would come on the line and my mom, in mid yell mind you,
would all of a sudden switch to “Uh, yes, my name is……..” like
nothing was wrong, when in fact, her face was beet red from yelling and
she had slobber running down her chin. Then, she would be put on hold
again and proceed to continue the punishment of yelling until she was
shaking and sometimes even throwing shit. Yeah, my mom had a bit of a
short fuse and a temper at times. Anywho, back to the subject, people
do this all the time. They will be in mid sentence when they call and
all of a sudden, I will answer and they will start with the voice and
trying to sound all fancy and important, when in reality, they are just
some loser who can’t read their fucking bill. What is with the damn
voice? What, am I supposed to respond differently? Oh, they are
speaking in an all important tone, I should treat them with some extra
courtesy. Are they trying to convey that this is extremely urgent and I
should stop reading my Sports Illustrated long enough to give a shit
about what they are saying? Ok, so now I’m just making myself sound
like a slacker and a bad worker, when in fact, I do pay attention to
them and care about what they are saying. But, why “the voice”? Is it
something that is passed from generation to generation? I notice that
both my sister and brother do “the voice”. What is the point of “the
voice?” You are calling with something important to you that has cost
you a lot of money, I understand that, that, after all, is why you are
calling. I’m going to do my best for you, after all, you pay my salary
(which, by the way, is very good money for what I do) and I want to try
to at least earn it. Ahhhhh, why the fuck do I care, its all the same
anyway.

This just in, at the urging of a co-worker, I have submitted a post
(Oct 19, 2005, GO BACK AND READ IT DAMNIT!!!) to the NPR (the n stands
for National, the P is Public, and the R is Radio) as a commentary,
hopefully, they will read it on the air. I consider that post to be one
of the best things I have ever written, so hopefully, it will at least
get mentioned on the air. Of course, it is sorta………well, it rips
on Christianity, so they might ignore it all together, but check out
their website for the station nearest you:

http://www.npr.org/

Man, what a busy damn day yesterday. I woke up early (well, for me its
early on a Saturday, shortly before 10 in the AM) and exercised and had
breakfast. After eating, I headed over to Toys R Us to get some gifts
for my nieces and a gift for Mistey’s son Dean, who is turning 4. Next,
it was off to Best Buy to get some shit, where I would wait in a very
long (yet, quick moving) line. It was only about a 20 minute wait,
which was pretty good considering the length of the line. Next, I went
to Jewel to get the shit I needed to make that Puppy Chow stuff that a
lady a work gave me a recipe for. While I was driving to the mall, I
came up with an idea of playing Santa Claus (or as I like to call
myself, Consalvo Claus) at the Christmas party. I finally got back home
about 1:45, but had a lot to do. First, I called Heather and told her
Santa would show up. I started to make the Puppy Chow (btw, its Chex
cereal, peanut butter, chocolate and powdered sugar) when I realized I
needed a large box of Chex. John was at the store, so I called him to
have him pick up a bigger box. In the meantime, I showered and wrapped
some gifts.

Although the shit I made tasted good, it did not turn out the way I
wanted it to; it is supposed to not stick together and be more white.
This might have been why most people didn’t eat it. Anywho, I arrived
at Keith and Heather’s about 5:15 and suited up as Santa. I had a bag
full of gifts, including some new friends for Scooty. For several years
now, Scooty has had a running joke that he has asked Santa for new
friends. I gave him a Sammy Sosa bobble head doll (he is a Sox fan, and
therefore hates Sosa. Of course, most Cub fans hate Sosa too now) and a
very, extremely annoying snow man stuffed animal that I have always
hated. It was meant to be a gag gift, yet, he actually took both of
them with him when he left.

After getting dressed, I walked next door to Rene’s, who had no idea I
was coming as Santa. I pounded on the door and I could hear Rene say
“who the hell is pounding on the door?” Somebody (I’m pretty sure it
was her) opened the door and let me in. There were only about a million
and one pairs of shoes at the entrance to the door, which I quickly
stumbled over. Its hard enough to walk and see in that costume, and
this was not making it any easier. I was told to head downstairs. The
kids did not seem as excited to see me as I thought they would be. I
sat down and started handing out gifts. Its funny, when you first get
there, they all stand in front of you glad to see you and waiting for
their gifts. Once they get the gifts, you are nobody to them. Corina
did walk up to me and and gave me a hug after taking the gift. I posed
for some pics with some of the kids (and Scooty and Craig both sat on
my lap for pics) and I was on my merry way. Upon exiting the house,
there, of course, were a bunch of shoes in front of the door. I once
again stumbled over them and knocked my damn knee into the door. Of
course, everybody laughed and said “sorry Santa” and I said “its ok,
Santa just shattered a kneecap” and I was on my way. I heard everybody
say goodbye to Santa, including Jt. Its funny, he would never say
goodbye to me any other time, but put me in a Santa Claus suit and all
is forgiven.

After changing at Keith and Heather’s house, I came back over. As soon
as Nicole saw me, she said “that was you in the Santa suit.” I told her
that it was not me, because I was at home baking. Damn, that kid is too
smart for her own good. She is not even 6 yet (ok, so she will be 6
next week) and she already is having Santa doubts. Of course, she knows
me a little to well, so maybe that’s why she knew.

The rest of the night was pretty uneventful. I got a Simpsons calendar
and a very cool plush Homer pillow which I will post a couple of pics
of right now

Doesn’t it kick all sorts of ass? He is saying “Facts are meaningless. They can be used to prove anything.”

The party was fun, but pretty tame compared to last year’s party, but I
think everybody still had a good time. I stood until shortly after 1 in
the AM before heading home.

Today, I finished my Christmas shopping. I stopped off to get gas at
the normal BP I get gas at. Of course, there was a ton of people there.
I waited in front of  a car that was at the pump. While waiting,
somebody else came up behind the other car. After that car left, this
lady pulled in, even though the driver of the car getting the gas told
the other driver that I was there first. I instantly got out of the car
to tell her I was there first and she and her pip squeak son said they
were there first. I said I was parked there for 5 minutes and she said
she was too. I was pretty pissed but told her to take the “fucking
pump, its not that damn important”. I don’t care that she got the pump,
but don’t sit there and lie to me that you were there first, when
clearly, you weren’t.

Fuck. The mall was packed today. Its times like these when I hate
people and wonder how I could be in customer service. The line at the
Bed Bath and Beyond I went to was long, (not nearly as long as the Best
Buy line) and it seemed to never move. Anywho, after shopping I stopped
off at Dave and Kelli’s for a while.

Thats all for now people. Enjoy your Sunday evening.

I got some mixed news from work yesterday. For those of you that don’t
know, my job gives me a half day every 5th Friday, but with a full days
pay. I know, it kicks ass, doesn’t it? Well, I guess it kicked a little
too much ass, because they are doing away with it (at least, in my
department). It was good while it lasted, but I understand why it has
to end. On the other hand, starting January 16, my position is moving
up a level, which means a pretty significant bump up in pay! Its about
damn time, we have been doing the work of people one level ahead of us
for quite some time now.

I’ve been thinking, I really want to start working the phrase “clusterfuck” into my daily vocabulary.

Tomorrow is our big Christmas party among my friends and I. Hopefully,
things will go much better than last year, when Scooty gave Dave’s wife
Kelli a vibrator in the grab bag, causing a pretty big controversy.
Knowing my friends, though, something crazy will happen. It will be a
lot of fun, though. Always fun and never boring…………gives me
plenty to write about.

Really, I got nothing else for now.