All right people, let me know if this idea is funny or lame. I got my
sister in law in the family grab bag. As one of her gifts, I bought her
a pair of bowling shoes. I wrapped up one shoe in a box and wrote on
the box “I got this shoe at a discount because it was only one shoe.”
When she opens it, she is going to be……….well, not pissed, but
more like baffled. I’m going to tell her that she can get the other
shoe next year sometime at a discounted rate. I’ve even got my brother
in on it, because you know when they leave here Christmas morning, she
is going to be saying stuff to him about how crazy it is to give
somebody one shoe for Christmas. His job is to convince her how this is
such a great idea. At Christmas dinner, I’m going to walk into her
parents house and give her the other shoe. But, for the better part of
the day, she is going to be wondering how one person can be so fucking
stupid as to give only one shoe as a gift. And a bowling shoe at that.
How pointless is that? Could you imagine having to rent one shoe at the
bowling ally? Can you even rent one shoe? I’ll just let her believe
that she is only getting one shoe. My only fear is that Mark will not
be able to do it. I think he will crack under the pressure. And, I’m
pretty damn sure he can’t keep a straight face through all of this.
Shit, though, he owes me. After all, 2 years ago for Christmas I helped
him with the Sean Connery Christmas cd he did.

We had our Christmas party today at The Key Wester. The food was pretty
damn good and I had a good time. Don’t worry, I’m not going to bore
anybody with the details.

Speaking of Christmas, there is, as The Daily Show called it, a “War on
Christmas.” The ever so annoying conservative Christians in the country
are arranging boycotts of companies because they wish people “Happy
Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas.” In fact, America’s biggest
pompous ass, Bill O’Reilly, has said that people that are offended by
the
terms Merry Christmas are “insane” and that saying “Happy Holidays” to
a Christian is “most certainly offensive to any Christian.” Wait a
minute Bill, why don’t you step into my “No Spin Pentagram”, how can
Merry Christmas not be offensive to non-Christians (such as myself) but
Happy Holidays be offensive to Christians? That smells, Bill. It smells
of hypocrisy. I brought this whole topic up to the Baptist/Born Again
dude at work and he, of course, agreed that Happy Holidays is offensive
and if a store told employees to wish customers Happy Holidays, he
would be less inclined to shop there. He feels that things are so out
of whack that in 10 years, Christmas won’t even be on the calendar. And
he said that people should say Merry Christmas instead of Happy
Holidays because Christmas has been around longest. Sorry you Christian
nutjob, I’m pretty sure New Years has Christmas beat. As I learned on
the Daily Show, Christmas has only been an official government holiday
since 1870, and as far as I know, New Years has been around since the
2nd year. The point is, not everybody celebrates Christmas. And not
everybody is a Christian. Sure, I’m not a Christian, but Merry
Christmas does not offend me. Now, I think people are overly sensitive
if it does offend them, yet I would understand if it did. After all,
Muslims and Jews do not celebrate Christmas. Later this month, I will
wish the Baptist a happy Hanukkah (spelling please……..I have seen
it spelled several ways) more than once and see how he reacts. Or
better yet, maybe I will just wish him a happy gay pride day. Just
because somebody is different, doesn’t mean they should be expected to
conform and celebrate Christmas. These Christians are not victims in
this. They are in the OVERWHELMING majority. Non Christmas people have
to hear Christmas music at just about every store they go to and every
station or channel they turn on. Its everywhere. They are swamped with
it. Therefore, I see nothing wrong with anybody saying Happy Holidays
instead of Merry Christmas. Shit, even the Christians’ boy Bush sent
out “holiday cards” that said “happy holidays” instead of Merry
Christmas, which didn’t make the Christians happy. Nevermind the fact
that the card also had a verse from the bible in it.

Speaking of Bush, he took “responsibility” for the Iraq war today. Its
still funny to use that word “responsibility” and Bush in the same
sentence. Of course, dumbass, this is your responsibility, this whole
fucked up and bullshit war was all YOUR idea. But, I’m certainly glad
after 2 1/2 years, over 30,000 dead (including Iraqi people) and
billions of dollars, you can finally admit that you are responsible for
it. At this rate though, the polar
ice caps will be almost melted by the time he says “I’m partly
responsible for global warming.” Maybe if he had not lied about this
whole war, we wouldn’t be in the mess that we are in right now.

We haven’t done this in a while, so its time for another edition of:

PAT ROBERTSON SAYS THE DUMBEST THINGS!!!

“That was never in the Constitution, however much the liberals laugh at me for
saying it, they know good and well it was never in the Constitution! Such
language only appeared in the constitution of the Communist Soviet Union.” –Pat
Robertson, on the constitutional seperation of church and state

There has been a lot of talk in the news recently about our stance on
torture. Let me just say that I’m against torture and I think we need
to set an example for the rest of the world. That being said, on with
the fun.

You know what they should try with some of these people instead of
torture? Makeovers. Honest. Most of these Muslim people that we capture
look like hell, and they are fine with this. Take KSM (I’m not even
going to attempt to spell his name, but you know who he is, he was Bin
Laden’s top dude, the guy we pulled out of bed in the middle of the
night in his underwear) for example. The man is all sorts of gross.
Messy and all disheveled. Hair sticking up from all over his body. The
man’s back looked like a fucking toy collie. I say if he won’t talk, we
wax his back. Also, we buy him a nice American suit. Maybe trim his
mustache a little. And if he still doesn’t talk, than its time for a
manicure and maybe even a pedicure. And this aint really torture. Of
course, its torture to the people giving the makeover, but how can it
be considered torture for the dude getting made over? After all, we are
making him look better. Take Osama for example. Does he even know what
a tooth brush is? I say when (I’m HOPING someday we catch him) we find
him the first thing we do is strip him down and give him a good shower.
I mean, how can somebody have good grooming habits bouncing from cave
to cave. Next, we will give him a Norelco Beard Trimmer. If he still
doesn’t talk, then we send him to the barber and its BOOM!!! off with
his beard and hair. We can give him “the messy look”. Next, its some
good old fashioned oral hygiene, complete with a tongue scrapping. And,
then the guys from Queer Eye move on in and look him over. Because he
has been cowering away in a cave for so many years, he is going to need
another shower or 5. We can’t expect to get rid of that “moldy cave”
stench in one showering, can we? And, you know he has to have some sort
of foot fungus. Shit, you try wearing the same worn down sandals for
15  years. I’m sure he even has some sorta parasite underneath his
toe nails, and speaking of his nails, they have to be crusty and as
yellow as Fritos. And his bikini zone must need a mowing worse than an
abandoned field. Wax, wax, wax. Wax all that shit. After that, its time
for another shower. By now we probably will no longer need to use the
industrial strength soap, you know, the powerful shit they use on
circus elephants. Instead, we are just going to use Zest, and if he
isn’t fully clean by now, than something is wrong. At this point, if he
is not talking, he would be near suicide. And, if he kills himself, so
fucking what, we did nothing wrong except make him look nice. And I’m
open to ideas, we don’t have to give him a makeover. After all, we can
take suggestions from anybody.

It has been requested that I write about more gay things, so here goes.
Cock, dick, ass, balls. Top, bottom, bear, twink. Anal. ORAL! OH GOD,
ORAL!!!!! Cum, jizz, juice. Penis, beefstick, meat. There. What can be
more gay than that!!!

So, we had our first big snow of the season yesterday. This one girl at
work was in a panic over the snow. She was over reacting like crazy,
making it seem like it was something that never happens. Hello, its
December in Chicago. She also said that she would rather go through a
hurricane than what we went through yesterday. I think she is nuts. In
spite of all of that, it wasn’t exactly a picnic on the way home
Thursday night. What is normally a 30 minute drive for me turned into
70 minutes. For my brother John, his 30 minute ride took 3 hours. Other
people at work had 2 or 2 1/2 hour drives, so all in all, I felt I got
off pretty good. And, of course, I also didn’t have a fucking plane hit
my car (imagine telling that one to the insurance
company……….seriously, would they cover something like that?) like
some other poor people in the Chicago.

Funny scene while I was shoveling last night. My neighbor’s 17 year old
son (the one I think is gay………the son, not the neighbor,
although, I guess he is still my neighbor too) came outside WITHOUT a
coat on to clean off his car. He started to clean off his car with, get
this, a fucking t-shirt. I asked him if he had a snow brush and he said
“not in the car”. Honestly, where else would you even have a need to
keep a snow brush? I mean, what the fuck else are you going to use it
for? So, being that I have 3 snow brushes in my car, I gave him one of
mine and he was ever so grateful. I then told him to put on a coat, as
I wasn’t going to give him a coat too.

Perhaps some of you science people could answer a couple of questions
for me. First of all, why is it that the first night of a snowfall (a
decent snowfall of say, 3 or more inches) it is always very bright out?
My brother’s theory is that the snow is fresh and therefore not yet
dirty from pollution. I have no other theories, so please people, help
me out with this one. The only other thing I could come up with is the
reflection of the white of the snow and something something
something………….I really don’t know, science was never my strong
suit. Come to think of it, I never really had a strong suit, so I guess
I should say science was the weakest of all my weak suits.

The second questions is more of a medical one. Why is it that when its
really cold outside, your nose runs? Aren’t we supposed to have nose
hairs to help control this sort of thing? Or does the nose hair say
“fuck this, its too damn cold for this shit, I’m migrating closer to
the brain where its warmer.” I mean, it doesn’t make sense I tells you.
After all, this is what we have nose hairs for and they abandon us when
we need them the most. I wish there was some sort of way to punish the
nose hairs for their cowardness. In the military, if a solider runs out
on the unit in the middle of a battle, that solider can expect some
serious repercussions as a result of said soilder’s actions. I try to
get even with the nose hairs by plucking them and pulling them when
they least expect it, but it does no good, they still hang me out to
dry when things get runny. What else can be done? I’m at a loss here,
people. What a bunch of wimps; if they were any bigger of wusses they
would be living near a pussy. And its not like I can just replace them
with other hairs and expect a better result. That breed of hair has a
history of acting the exact same way time and time again under the same
circumstances. So, I ask you people, whats a guy to do?

I’M IN!!!!!!!! My team made the
playoffs in both of my fantasy football leagues. Not only am I in, but
each of my teams are tied for the best record in the league. Sure, both
teams I’m tied with have scored more points and therefore have the
tiebreaker, but I have a chance to have the outright best record if I
win and they lose. One of the leagues is a pay league, which means I
(at the time, reluctantly) paid $25 to get in the league. By making the
playoffs, I’m assured of at least getting my money back. If I win the
whole damn thing, it means $150! Its going to be tough, though, because
I not only had a season ending  injury to my starting QB (Donavon
McNabb, I actually had him in both leagues) but also a season ending
injury to my back up as well. Obviously, I want to win the whole thing,
but my goal right now is to win one game, which would guarantee me 2nd
place (and $50, I think).

The Cubs finally traded for a legitimate lead off man, Juan Pierre. This
is exciting and great news. The Cubs have made some great moves this off
season, but honestly, still have a ways to go. Still, this is a
definite upgrade and move in the right direction.

Yesterday at work the power went out just before 4:30. Now, I work
until 6 in the PM, but the rumor was if the power was still out as of
5, I would get to go home. Instead of clocking out, people had to sign
out on a pad of paper. I had my coat on ready to go at 4:58. I had the
pad of paper at 4:59, but figured since I was the only person scheduled
until 6, I should let the 5 o’clock people sign it first. I handed the
pad over and told them to “sign it quickly, in fact, don’t even put
your name, just put an X.” The clock turned to 5PM and BOOM!! the damn
power came back on! I was so disappointed. Everybody found this so
funny. I have to admit, it was pretty damn funny, even if it was me.
Still, our computer systems were down so I did get to leave at 5:15,
which is still pretty damn good.

I finally have a winter coat that is warm enough for slightly chilly
weather like this morning’s -4 degrees. Its not really a new coat,
though, after at least 5, probably 7 or 8 years, I finally fixed my
Bears coat. See, the zipper broke, and I thought that was the end of
the coat, but I never got rid of it because I really liked the coat. As
it turns out, they can fix shit like that. It wasn’t only the hook of
the zipper that was broken, but it also had a tooth (is that what they
call those things?) missing. So, $33 later (the dry cleaner also washed
it) it was deemed useable once again!! YAAAAAAAYYYYYY!!!! And just in
time for the Bears run to the Super Bowl in which they will lose to the
Colts by the score of 17-3.

I really don’t have much for today. I’m pretty pissed off, but thats a
long story that I wont get into. Instead, lets just take a look at this
cutie

That’s John Frances Daley from Kitchen Confidential. Ain’t he just
a-damn-dorable? Just look at that damn smile. He has got a smile that makes me melt.The best part about it
though, is that I think he is gay. He definetly sounds gay. And, he is
from IL, Wheeling to be exact. In fact, he is Mayor Daley’s cousin, if
you can believe that one. Oh, and he is over 18, for those of you that think he is not (he is actually 20)

Anywho, thats all for now. I write more when I’m not so pissed off.

Last night I played cards at Scott’s cousin’s friend’s house. He is
sorta cute but has a fun, happy go lucky personality. If only he were
gay………….. Anywho, we played in the basement, where he has got a
great little bar. One of his roommates found some old parts to a pool
table near a dumpster and he took it and made a bar out of it. The pool
table is on its side and the front of the bar is the top of the table.
To make this thing even cooler, on the top of the bar, underneath the
glass of the bar, is the green felt of a blackjack table. Its fucking
awesome! As for the cards, yeah, I suck. The first game I didn’t even
win a hand (but still managed to finish 7th out of 10th). We had a side
game of dealers choice which I lost $20 on. Then we played another hold
‘em game in which I had a better showing and managed to stick around a
lot longer and actually won a few hands, but only finished 6th. This
one guy went from being the chip leader (with a total of 4 players) to
being out of the game in 2 hands! It was fucked up, I have never seen
anything like that before.

As you all know, I’m a huge sports fan. I saw something in the Bears
game today that I have always seen in sports, but made me think about
something. In the game, Brett Favre gave Nathan Vasher a pat on the
ass. When I saw this, a light bulb went off in my head: if sports were
a person, it would be a closet homosexual. Think about it. I see more
ass grabbing on a football field than in a gay porn. I’m not kidding
about that. And, then there is the whole relationship between the
center and the QB, in which the QB sticks his hands practically up the
center’s ass. Just look at all the grabbing and horseplay in a football
game. The goal is to GRAB the other guy and throw him down to the
ground. Its just like gay S&M. Piles and piles of guys on top of
each other, asses on top of other guys faces, genitals rubbing
together………..what could be anymore gay than that? Want more? How
about all the hugging when a team wins? And there is even kissing.
Magic Johnson and Isiah Thomas used to kiss each other (again, I’m not
making this up) before each game. After the Sox won the World Series
this year, Ozzie Guillen kissed another guy (I don’t remember who).
Than there is the showering. These men all shower and walk around naked
together. And how about the uniforms. The only people more hung up than
gay people about their clothes are athletes. Everybody has to dress
EXACTLY alike, you know, just like a Broadway chorus line. And have you
seen the moves  in football after player makes a great play? A lot
of those dance moves would hold up well in a gay nightclub, as we know,
every gay guy (EXCEPT me) can dance. And what about the singing and
acting? Gay guys LOVE to sing and act and every time I open the paper,
another pro athlete is coming out with another (bad) album or (really
bad) acting in some movie or show. And then there is the lying about
their age to try to be younger. In baseball a few years ago, there was
a rash of players who lied about their ages to try to be younger, much
like a 35 year old gay guy I worked with at AAA who was “27″. And have
you seen these people dress off the field? Mink coats. Boas. Flashy
jewelry. They dress so flamboyant, they would make Elton John blush.
And of course, you have wrestling (not the bullshit WWF kind, although
that is pretty gay too). You dress two guys up in skin tight spandex
that leave little to the imagination and you have to grab and rub just
about every part of the other guy’s body to get him to the ground. Its
a gay man’s paradise. And they are all hung up on their looks too, just
like gay guys. Take boxers for example. They are so concerned about
their weight and looking good. “Oh shit, I gained 3/4 of a pound!!! NOOOOOO!!!!”. Because they will be wearing nothing but
shorts (fancy shorts too, another sign) they have to have great bodies
with little to no hair. Also, don’t fuck with their face. “No, not my
face!!! Hit me in the body, please, but don’t mess my face!” They even
have to wear a mouthguard to protect their precious teeth!  And, a
lot of athletes are bitches. Some of
these guys whine more than the gayest gay guys. Crying about not having
enough money or playing time. Pissing and moaning about being
disrespected. But, the biggest thing is the homophobia. Athletes are
afraid of gays and a male sports team has never had an out gay player.
They are so afraid of gays, they often say they would beat the shit out
of a gay teammate and/or they would not stand for a gay teammate in the
locker room. Need I say more, that’s like the first sign that somebody
is gay………everybody knows the biggest closet cases are homophobic
people.

Wow, I haven’t updated in like forever. So, Oprah was on Dave. I
thought the show was pretty damn good, except he did an awful lot of
disgusting ass kissing of Oprah. Now, I love Oprah, but I love Dave
even more. I just felt he layed it on a bit thick. Still, it was a
sight I didn’t think I would see anytime soon: Oprah and Letterman
strolling hand in hand down fucking Broadway.

Yesterday was also World Aids Day. Now, I know I’m probably in the
minority on this one, but not only have I never known anybody that has
died from AIDS, I also do not know anybody who has even had AIDS. Being
a gay dude, I am a little more sensitive to AIDS than straight people.
Obviously, AIDS among gays is a problem, but, and not to sound mean
about it, it is preventable by having safe sex. We all know it is out
there, we just have to protect ourselves. That is what it is like for a
gay American. It is a different story, however, in Africa. It is a full
blown epidemic there. And the sad part is that not only do a lot of
people not know they have it, but many young children are born with
AIDS. And its a different situation than us. Many of these people do
not know what AIDS is and have no idea how to prevent it. They are
people that are not very educated and maybe they can’t read or they
can’t understand the concept of a contraceptive. Worse yet, they don’t
have the money or the means for condoms. It all adds up to a vicious
cycle of people infecting each other and infected men impregnating
women who then pass it on to the unborn child. In Africa, more than 17
million people have died from AIDS and another 25 million are infected
with the HIV virus, approximately 1.9 million of whom are children.
Every day in Africa, HIV/AIDS kills 6,300 people. 8,500 people are
infected with the HIV virus and 1,400 newborn babies are infected
during childbirth. Those are mind boggling numbers. The situation is so
grave, that 12 MILLION African children have lost one or both of their
parents to AIDS. I know these numbers are overwhelming, but the world
can make a difference. First, gays and straights EVERYWHERE need to
learn to have safe sex. We need to look at Africa and learn from what
has gone on there and prevent anything close to that from happening
anywhere else. We also need to offer support to those in Africa. ONE
way is this, which I’m sure many of you have heard of, is the ONE
campaign. If you don’t know about this, check out the website:

http://www.one.org/

 
Please, don’t feel overwhelmed by the scary numbers above (btw, thank
you one.org for the info); if it sounds grave and grim, its because it
is, but it is not hopeless. With campaigns such as one and

http://www.healthgap.org/camp/tac_ltr.html

http://www.aft.org/partners/africa-aids/overview.htm

we can make a difference in the lives of Africans. As Americans, we
should not turn a blind eye to the plight of this poor continent. As
humans, we should offer support and help to those that need it most and
that can not help themselves.