This was on Letterman the other night and I found it funny as hell.

Top Ten Surprising Facts About Osama Bin Laden

One thing I forgot about yesterday, on the way to buy the tv, we were
listening to Baba O’Reilly by the Who. This song is better known as
Teenage Wasteland. While it was playing, I said “shit, I forgot, I have
to send Britney a birthday card.” Britney is Rene’s 17 year old
daughter. John then said “what, did Teenage Wasteland make you think of
Britney?”. Funny. See, Britney has decided that at this point in her
life, the right move is to drop out of high school. Good for her. I’m
sure she will have a long and successful life, probably working a lot
of 3rd shift hours as a waitress at Denny’s. I bet she can’t wait.

Dave has let me borrow the first season of Scrubs, which I have always
been interested in but never seen. Turns out, its hilarious. I watched
the whole first disc. Now, I just have to get the third disc from Dave,
as when he gave me the box it only had the first 2 discs in it. I’m
assuming its in his dvd player. Oh, and Zach Braff is hot, but not a
studly hot, but more of an awkward adorable hot. And, correct me if I’m
wrong, but my dysfunctional gaydar goes off when I see him.

I’m considering to quit driving on the wrong side of the road. I’m
concerned driving against traffic my startle somebody.

Today I went to get my oil changed. While it was being changed, I was
standing next to pick up truck that was being serviced. I happened to
notice that there were 3 bullet holes in the door. I guess pick up
trucks and guns go hand in hand, but there wasn’t even a gun rack on
this truck. And the owner of the truck didn’t look like your typical
NRA loving, Republican, Bush pusher. In fact, he didn’t even have a
George Bush bumper sticker. Still, I find this odd. Somebody shoots
your truck and your first thought is “Shit, somebody is shooting, that
reminds me, I need to get an oil change.” (I’m well aware the he
probably was not shot at today, but for the sake of the story, it was).
Or perhaps his simple, redneck mind  was thinking “Fuck, the
father of that farm girl I fucked has found me. I must disguise the
truck and what better way than with an oil change, he will never
recognize this truck with new oil flowing through the engine.” Either
way, what the fuck were the bullet holes doing in the truck?

So, its come to this, songs that have been censored with less offensive
words are being censored due to the use of the less offensive word. I’m
sure some of you know the song “Don’t Phunk With My Heart” by the Black
Eyed Peas. I have the disc, they use the word phunk (pronounced funk) on
there, which they obviously wrote instead of the word fuck so that it
would be radio friendly. While waiting for the oil change, I hear the
song come on the radio, except instead of them singing “Phunk” they
were singing “Mess”. Dude, what the fuck? I mean, honestly, what the
fuck? Or should I say, what the phunk? Do they honestly think that the
word phunk is indecent? Oh, I guess its because of the children, the
precious children can’t hear the word phunk even though they probably
already use the word fuck or have heard the word fuck from their
parents, siblings, uncles and classmates. I don’t want to blame Janet
Jackson, but man, these fucking Christian Republicans have gone nuts
since she showed a sliver of her nipple for an eternal 1/10 of a second
during the Super Bowl halftime show. Fucking people.

Seems like forever since I last updated. Last night, Mark and Amy came
over for chili dinner. Shit, it was pretty damn good. Normally after
dinner, we either play games or watch a movie. For some reason, we got
LAME last night and started looking at old pics. It was cool and funny
to look back at old pictures, it brought back a lot of memories. Some
of the pics were from when my dad was in the Korean war back in the
50s. It was wild, in a couple of the pics, he looks just like Mark. Or
should I say, Mark looks just like him. We also looked at pictures from
high school which was crazy. There also was a picture from camping a
few years ago in which all the guys had a “gay pose”. Dave is the
funniest part of this picture. Actually, its hilarious. Honestly, I
should be offended by it, but I find it too funny to be offended,
especially since I’m in the fucking picture. We are going to campaign
Scooty to have this picture in the slideshow at his wedding, but I
don’t know if he will do it.

After a while, we called Dave on the spur of the moment and asked if he
wanted to play Risk. He agreed and we headed over to his house. I love
that game, I usually do very good at it and this was no exception. I
wound up winning in a game that took, I don’t know, a certain length of
time. I’m usually pretty good at board games, which I guess makes up
for the fact that I suck ass at sports. After the game, we just sat
around talking until about 2 in the AM

I feel bad for Mark and Dave. They both work for the same small company
(its a surveying company, Dave is a dude that goes out and surveys the
land. Mark is a computer aided draftsman who does shit with the work
Dave does) and things are getting tough. Winter has always been their
slow time, but they are down right now to 30 hours a week. They also
just laid off 5 other people. The company………lets just put it this
way, they are not the most, uh, ethical company around. Because of this
and because business is sorta slow, it might be only a matter of time
before they lose their jobs. I just hope things work out for both of
them, since they both have just had their first kids with in the past 6
months (Mark on Aug 9 and Dave on Dec 29).

Well, I went and done did it. I bought a big screen tv today. I got it
from Grant’s and its a 56 inch Toshiba hi-def DLP something something.
Its got some sorta new technology which might be used in about 5-7
years but until then, it is useless. I’m very excited about this, it
will be delivered next Saturday. The only problem is that they will
call me between 6-7AM Saturday morning to schedule delivery. Ouch.
Thats SOOOOO fucking early, especially since we will be playing cards
the night before. Oh well, I guess I will just have to deal with it.

I need Gaydar help, mine apparently is broken. Or maybe, it just has
never worked in the first place. Perhaps its dysfuctional. Either way,
it doesn’t work. The guy at work I thought was gay, aint. I was talking
to him today and he mentioned his girlfriend. I think were my gaydar is
broken is mistaking a straight guy for a gay guy. I usually don’t miss
the other way around. I never think somebody that is straight and they
are actually gay. I know a gay guy when I see one. But, its thinking
somebody is gay when they aren’t is where I go wrong. Either way, its
quite disappointing.

Being male, I seem to get a lot of spam from places that claim to be
able to give me a bigger penis. I think these people are going about it
all wrong. You always see ads for bigger cocks, but never for just
being bigger height wise. See, the thing is, guys shouldn’t want a
bigger penis, they should just want to be taller. Take me for example.
I’m only 5’6 (on a good day) so therefore, having my penis size
increased does me no good, at least on the surface. The reason is, when
a size queen sees me, they assume because I’m short, it means I don’t
have a big dick. I don’t fault them for that, it would stand to reason
that being a short guy, I might be, well, a short guy. When a girl/gay
guy sees a taller guy, they think “man, he must have a big dick, I need
to tap that shit.” So, what good will a bigger penis get somebody if
they are still the same height? Thats why these spammers need to just
instead need to find ways to make a guy taller. Shit, you can have a 10
inch “big record” (as Aerosmith once sang) but that don’t mean shit if
you are 5 feet tall and people think you have a tiny dick; it sure as
hell aint gonna help you get laid. And I don’t care what girls or gay
guys say, most of them want a guy with a big dick, the bigger, the
better. See, its like a car. If you see a tiny car, you are going to
assume it has shit pick up, when in reality…………ok, so it will
have shit pick up. But the point is, I did not have sexual relations
with that woman!! What? I mean, the point is, you can’t judge a book by
its cover. If you want to be appealing to a sex fiend, you need to get
taller not grow your dick. And just how exactly do these people grow
their dicks? What, is it like a fucking Chia Pet, you put some sorta
seed downtown and water it every day for 6 weeks and next thing you
know BOING! an extra 3 inches? Perhaps its like steroids, you inject it
and it gives you zits, makes you very angry and takes years off your
life by putting the inches on your schlong. And what about the side
effects? Every side effect of every non essential pill has a side
effect of impotence. What would be the point of super sizing your
little man if all he wants to do is sleep? Its like those hair growth
things, they all cause some sort of limp biscuit (by the way, I HATE
that fucking band, but was running out of references). So now, you are
taking Jack’s Magic Beans to grow a bigger beanstalk only to have to
take the Plumpy Pills to make your weiner plump and juicy. And what
about the balls? Do the balls grow, or do they stay the same size? How
fucking ridiculous would it look trying to hit golf balls with a
baseball bat? Imagine, somebody gets down there and you have this
HUUUUGGGGE dick with tiny balls, how could they not laugh. Its like a
child having ears the size of a senior citizen. I say, just leave
things the way you found them and don’t fuck with shit. You don’t see
short basketball players trying to grow bigger hands so that they can
palm a basketball, do you? So, there is nothing wrong with still being
able to palm your own junk. If you are insecure about your tiny penis,
just buy an oversized SUV to compensate for it like a lot of other
guys.

Just for the record, I’m not hung up on my own size. I’m secure in what I have thank you very much.

No fucking way, I just read “Nice guy” Eddie died. That was Chris Penn.
If you don’t know who “Nice guy” Eddie is, you need to see Reservoir
Dogs.

Today is new glasses day, so if you ever wanted to see what a $549 pair of glasses look like, now is your chance.

Long story short, after 2 weeks of waiting, I finally have the glasses.
I forgot to write about this a couple of weeks ago, but I tried in vain
to get the price down (after my discount, it was a mere $363). I have
spent a certain length of time on the phone with these people getting
transferred here and hung up on there and everything else. Today, I
went to pick them up and was helped by a VERY HOT guy who was married.
I was just so turned on by this guy, had he been gay and interested in
me, it might have made the whole annoying experience worth it. As it
stands, I paid a shitload of money for a pair of glasses and the chance
to check this guy out. Woo. Wooooo. In case you didn’t know, thats a
very lethargic Woo.

81 points!!! I HATE Kobe Bryant, but I have got to hand it to the guy,
I’m blown away by this. 81 fucking points in one game, its mind
boggling. What is even more mind boggling is that he was still 19
points from Wilt Chamberlin’s record. There has always been a rumor (a
rumor I don’t believe) that Wilt’s 100 point game never happened (it
was 45 years ago, games weren’t televised and some not even covered)
and if that is the case, than Kobe’s game would be the record. Amazing.

This is going to sound very rude, immature and many other things, in
fact, I probably shouldn’t even mention it. Its best I don’t say,
because it is really going to make me look bad. Wait, I can’t just say
it and not mention it. On the other hand, its better left unsaid. Ok,
fine, I will say it, but you all are going to think…….no, know it
is wrong. When I see people in wheelchairs, a part of me can’t help but
think that person might be faking. I don’t know why I think that way, I
just do. I know, its real mean and totally classless of me. And its not
even right to say something like that. Maybe its because I have a
cousin who doesn’t have legs and somehow, I associate the only people
that need wheelchairs are people without legs, but every time I see
somebody in a wheelchair, it crosses my mind. There, I said it.

Man, sometimes I just hate having the name Mike or Michael, its just so
damn common. And the worst part about it is the way people react when
they find out you have the same name. I work in a call center and as
you might imagine, frequently talk to other guys name Mike. They always
make some sort of cheesy comment like “wow, what a great name, I have
the same name!” and they talk to me like we are in some sort of
fraternity together; sorta like the “Loyal Order of Guys Named Mike.”
They are just amazed that there is another person in the world with the
same name as them. I mean, I can see if this were China, you know,
being home to like practically 100 people, but this is the United
States, there are almost 300 million people here, surely some of us are
going to have the same name. And since Michael was the number one baby
name for some 17 years in a row, you are bound to run into a few people
with your name. The name Michael was given to 26991 boys  in the USA
in 2003 alone! Of
course, being the number #1 name for such a long time means that this
thing is only going to get worse and worse. But being in the Fraternity
of Mikes, I guess that comes with a certain measure of stature and I
should embrace it and treat these fellow Mikes like they are family,
which in a way, I guess they are. “Oh, your name is Mike, so is mine,
that means that you can give me $50, right? Come on man, we are Mikes,
I shouldn’t even have to ask, I should be able to take your wallet out
of your pocket and help myself. And while you are at it, give me your
car keys. Oh, and can I get a bite of your burger?” Get over it dude,
we have the same name, thats it. You are probably some fucking dumbass
that watches Spike tv and listens to Toby Keith. Its not like our names
are Quaid or Ermer, we are Mikes and so are about another 10 million
other people in the world. Ok, maybe its not quite that many. Just look
at this list of famous Mikes/Michaels, you have Jordan, Jackson, Ditka,
Tyson, Douglas, Caine, Flatley, Fox, Keaton, and Moore, just to name a
few. Get over it people, you have a common name, don’t act like its the
first time you have come across somebody with the same name. Now, if
they have the same birthday, first, middle and last name and social
security number than you might have something. In fact, than you should
be surprised or even concerned. Ok, not just concerned, but you probably
should be prepared for an identity crisis of some kind. But until then,
lay off of it. We have the same name, get over it.

Before I forget, Keith and Heather had a very, how should I say,
different snack at their house on Friday night. It was pumpkin cheese
snaps. I really don’t know what to make of these things, I don’t know
if I liked them or did not like them. I think they were
just………er………………….there. They weren’t bad, but then
again, they weren’t good either. Lets just say they were average.

Wall to wall football today, first at Mark’s house for the
Broncos-Steelers. Much disappointment, as my other team has lost. I
really had no preference with the Seahawks-Panthers, I just wanted a
good game, which we didn’t get. I swear, though, Terry Bradshaw is such
an ass, its almost biblical. Every time a team wins, the way he
interviews people is annoyingly painful. And how he commands people to
do things. Although we can be eternally grateful that he won’t be doing
the Super Bowl, I’m disturbed to find out that he is actually going to
be in a movie that is coming out next month. How fucking scary is that?

Here are a couple of pics from when Danel and I were at Lenscrafters a couple of weeks ago:

These are the Harry Carey glasses. I don’t think its a good look for me or for anybody.

These are glasses that just aren’t me. Perhaps Terry Bradshaw should wear them

It is widely believed that these are the glasses that I have purchased.
Eventually when those scam artists at Lenscrafters finally give them to
me, I can confirm if these are the ones I had to take out a loan to pay
for. Ok, so maybe not a loan, but fuck, they cost a lot of damn money.

Seems like its been forever since I updated. So, Bin Laden released
another video. What the fuck is up with the dude? For a guy that’s in
hiding, he is putting out more fucking videos than Tupac. Of course,
this latest threat wouldn’t even be a threat if we weren’t in Iraq.
Then again, even if we had never been in Iraq, he would still be
threatening us and plotting against us. Its just his way. The thing is,
if we had not been wasting our time in Iraq the past 3 years, we very
well might have caught him by now. After all, he is the true enemy,
Iraq was never a threat to us. Still, I agree with our stance to not
negotiate with terrorists. As for the reporter that is being held
hostage, man, that is awful. And, the thing, sadly, I think we all know
how it is going to end. She might very well be dead by now but we just
don’t know it.

So, a judge in Maryland has struck down a law against gay marriage. I
want to say this is a good thing, and in theory, it is. But, the
reality of it is that it will just rally the conservatives to organize
a constitutional amendment that would ban gay marriage. As we all know,
it is the business of the government and those conservatives who we
marry, just as it is the business of the Bush amonstration (thats right
people, I said adomnistration) what you and I search for on Google. I
can see how it is an extreme and vital matter of national security if
Melissa Etheridge wants to marry her girlfriend. After all, as we all
know, the real threat to America isn’t Bin Laden, its gay marriage. A
little plane taking out a skyscraper or a nuclear (that’s the special
Bush pronunciation) bomb destroying an entire city is really nothing in
comparison to gay marriage, which, if is even considered for a split
second would rip apart the very fabric of society and render life
meaningless. Oh, how dear those bastard gays wanting to be able to
share and express their love for each other; it would reap havoc on the
very fabric of society. Thank God that we have George W Bush and the
other Christian conservatives to protect us from the evils of gay
marriage. Oh, by the way, I was being sarcastic. Fuck those
conservatives.

We played my new board game, Therapy last night. What a fun and
entertaining game. It took a long time to play, but man, it was cool. I
recommend it if you are a board game type. Gotta run people, thats all
for now.

Fuck, the Democrats are really stupid. On Monday, Martin Luther King
day, Hillary Clinton said that the House has been run like a
plantation. Maybe it has, maybe it hasn’t. The thing is, using the term
plantation, and on MLK no less, is really a poor choice of words. I
mean, what the fuck was she thinking? People are supposed to vote for
her, you say something like that and not only does it upset people on
the fence about voting for her, but it also give the Republicans ammo
to use against her. The Dems have the Republicans on the ropes right
now, the Democrats shouldn’t do or say anything that the Republicans
can use to their advantage. And if her remarks weren’t bad enough, you
have the mayor of New Orleans saying the shit he said (like about God’s
wrath, I wrote about it the other day) about how New Orleans needing to
be “chocolate” again. The way he kept saying it over and over, he
really looked like a complete ass. Chocolate, chocolate, chocolate,
like he was Count fucking Chocula or something like that. Of course, he
apologized for his remarks, but Clinton did not. Now, Barack Obama has
defended Clinton’s remarks, which can only help her. I just hope its
not to late for her to be helped by it.

Is it just me or does Dick Chaney look evil? And not just evil, but a
heartless, soulless, evil being. Just look at some of these pictures and
try telling me that you are not looking into the face of pure, black
evil.

See Dick seeth

See Dick plot

See Dick try to be sly

See Dick lie

See what I mean? Pure evil.

Even though the Bulls won tonight, they have become almost as
frustrating as the Cubs, finding a way to blow leads and lose in a
heartbreaking fashion. Its maddening.

I think I want to spontaneously combust one day. I was watching this
thing tonight on spontaneous combustion and it made me realize that
would be a classic way to go. Think about it, how many people have just
burst into flames? Not many. Sure, burning to death would be an AWFUL
way to die, but it would be different. Imagine being at a party and all
of a sudden POOF!!! up in flames you go. As long as you don’t take
anybody else out with you, it would be a great exit, sorta like how
Elway won a Super Bowl in his last game or how the Beatles quit while
at the height of their popularity. Now, I’m not saying this is
something that needs to happen right now for me, but should it happen,
say, 35 years from now, so be it. Imagine, people would be talking
about your exit for years. They would tell everybody that they knew and
those people would tell other people and so forth. You would be a death
legend. Sure, anybody can go via car accident or heart attack and those
deaths are not memorable in any way. Now, just standing there, drinking
a beer and watching the game with friends and all of a sudden flames
and then instant ash, well, now you got something.  Think of the
money that will be saved on a funeral. Its sorta like, instant
cremation. They just sweep you up and have your ashes spread before the
game comes back on and they don’t miss a single play. No coffins, no
shyster funeral director, no undertaker having sex with your body, no
priest pretending to know you, just instant death and funeral all in
one. In this day and age of speeding things up, imagine the time that
will be saved. It would be sorta like the death equivalent of fast
food. Sorta like, Dominos for death. Your ashes spread in 30 minutes or
less or your  death certificate is free. And you would have given
them something to talk about, imagine what they would say: “Fred was
just sitting there watching the game and next thing you know, BOOM! Ash
Wednesday right there on the couch.” Its a no lose situation. Ok, maybe
not a no lose situation, I mean, you would be dead, but shit, everybody
has to go sometime, why not go out with a bang. I mean, in the show I was watching,
they said it usually happened to elderly people, so that makes it even
easier. Why go through the pain and suffering of a terminal disease or
waste the time of going through a windshield when you can just die and
instant, fiery death. And, if you are around bunch of smokers, they can
just ash their cigarettes in the pile of ash you have already begun for
them. You would be doing people a favor. The more I think about it, the
more I see how it is a good idea. Now, if only I can survive for
another 35 years to see it happen.

So, New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin has said that Hurricanes Katrina and
Rita and other storms were a sign that “God is
mad at America” and at black communities, too, for tearing themselves
apart with violence and political infighting. What a fucking dope. It
goes to show you that using Godly fear is not exclusive to just
Republicans. How these people can use fear the prey on the
vulnerabilities of those that have just gone through a horrible tragedy
is appalling. People such as Ray Nagin and Pat Robertson should be
ashamed of themselves. Of course, Robertson has no shame, so his being
ashamed is not possible.

I didn’t do much today. I met some co-workers at Denny’s for breakfast.
All the people I met had worked OT today and got paid triple time for
it. I, on the other hand, turned down the money for a chance to sleep
in. I’m well aware of how crazy this sounds, but fuck, what can I say,
I hate getting up early.