Cell phones. Blessing or instrument of evil? I guess it depends on who
you ask, I kind of think its a lot of both. Now, I’m not a cell phone
guy; I have never owned one and might not ever own one. I realize that
I’m in a small minority of people that don’t own cell phones. Shit,
even my mother owned a cell phone, although it was about the size of a
block of cheese. People are always pestering me to get one and can’t
understand why I don’t have one. But, I just don’t see the need for
one. Everybody always says “what about for emergencies”, such as if my
car breaks down. Well, I do have 2 legs and most people driving by
either have cell phones or guns, so the way I see it I will either be
saved or killed, but the last thing I would be is stranded.

And here is my biggest pet peve of cell phone users and that is talking
and driving. See, the thing that is so amazing about it is that
EVERYBODY thinks talking on the cell phone and driving is a major
distraction and yet, everybody does it. And why do they do it? Because,
as they always tell me “well, I’m the exception to the rule, I can do
it and still drive ok.” Yeah, I think I have heard that argument from
just about every drunk driver that has ever given me a ride home. Shit,
nowadays, everytime I see somebody fuck up while driving, I see a cell
phone held up to their ear and they are always clueless that they just
cut off the speeding ambulance. Or, I honk at them when they nearly hit
me and they have the audacity to give me “the look” or flip me off, as
if to say “fuck you asshole, I’m talking over here, can’t you see?” The
driving all of a sudden becomes secondary, its now more important to be
able to tell your spouse that you guys don’t have money to buy the
latest I-Pod version that was invented 36 minutes ago. And these cell
phone drivers are ALWAYS yelling at other drivers, as if to say “I’m
such a better driver than you that I can talk and drive at the same
time, so fuck you, its not my fucking fault that you choose to stop at
the stop sign.” And, as soon as they are done talking on the phone,
they are yelling at the driver in front of them to “hang up the piece
of shit phone and drive.” I used to work with a complete flake of a
lady at AAA who was one of these chronic cell phone users, this chick
shouldn’t be allowed to drive unsupervised led alone with a fucking
cell phone hooked up to her ear. And everytime I would see her walking
in the halls at work, she would be talking on the cell phone. Walking
from her desk. In the breakroom. In the parking lot. And yes, even as
she was coming from the bathroom, which is another topic.

People use these things in the bathroom at work and other public places
on a regular basis, you know, because your life can not stop for the 10
minutes it takes for you to shit and wipe your damn ass. Its downright
pathetic. And usually, its stupid shit, like them talking to their kids
because the kid doesn’t know how to fill up the dog’s dish. People now
think that cell phones are appropriate in EVERY SINGLE SOCIAL
SITUATION. Its ridiculous. Sorry, but if you are at the store and you
have to call your wife to ask permission to by the generic mouthwash,
you have got some extremely serious co-dependency issues. The cell
phone is a damn leach. And don’t get me started on cell phones at
sporting events, I have already written about that one before.

So, here is my solution. Licenses. That’s right, if your IQ is not
above, say, 120, no cell phone for you, you are officially too fucking
stupid to use a cell phone. Now, now, I realize that I have no idea if
120 is a high or low IQ, but it sounds like a reasonable number. Of
course, not knowing if it is a high numbr automatically means I can’t have a cell
phone. Also, the penalty for being a dumb fuck in public talking on a
cell phone is a punch square in the throat, that way, you can’t talk
for a while. Picture this, you are out on a date and the person you are
dating gets a phone call during dinner. If they continue the
conversation for longer then 60 seconds BOOM! right in the fucking
throat. It works out well for everybody, they save money on the meal
because they can’t eat and you can talk about yourself for the rest of
the meal so that they can really get to know you. This might seem a bit
harsh, but tell me who hasn’t been out to eat with somebody at a
restaurant and they get a phone call and ignore you for 10 minutes. Its
rude and annoying and you are sitting there thinking “ok assfuck,
either hang it up or I’m throwing it in that old man’s bowl of soup.”
So, you have to get licensed to talk on these damn things, and that way
it weeds out all the people that shouldn’t be using cell phones, you
know, like Paris Hilton or Ryan Seacrest.

On the other hand, cell phones can be great things, but all of you
probably already know that because you all have cell phones. Therefore,
I don’t see the need to point out the cell phone’s greatness.

Somebody, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
stop those annoying Diet Pepsi commercials, you know the ones, where
the Diet Pepsi can is represented by Jay Mohr. Its a can of pop, not a
fucking person. This might be the dumbest ad campaign
since………….well, I can’t think of anything else right now, but
they are lucky, because I was so gonna bust on them.

Man, I really want to take a road trip. Bad. I need to travel but have
nobody to travel with. I’m giving serious thoughts to taking a road
trip to see my sister in Denver, but thats a long drive for one person
to make. Plus, I don’t know if I can put up with my sister for a solid
week. Damnit, I need to find somebody so that I can travel.

Ohhhhh, I just saw the video for “Land of Confusion“. Its been years since I last saw that video, boy does it kick ass. I forgot how creepy puppet Phil Collins is.

Yesterday I watched a thing on HBO On Demand on celibacy. No, I didn’t
watch it because things have been rather………er…………dry for
me recently. I watched it because it was about the scandal in the
Catholic Church and if it has any connection with priests having to
remain celibate. Turns out that celibacy among Catholic clergy was
started somewhere around 1139, which if you think about it, was not all
that long ago.  Sure it was many years ago, even a few years
before Keith Richards was born, but I thought it would have been way
before then. I have always felt that forcing priests to remain celibate
played a major role in the pedophilia scandal and although I’m almost
certain it does, I’m not 100% convinced. The main reason being that
other religions such as Budism have the same celibacy requirement and
it is not rampant with pedophilia. Still, it is not normal to expect
people to shut off one of the most powerful drives in the human body,
the sex drive. I’m not defending these priests, the deserve everything
they get, but I’m merely suggesting that the Church plays a bigger roll
here and it almost makes the priests victims as well. For the most
part, honest celibacy does not exist among priests, whether they are
raping little boys or carrying on relationships with females, most of
them have some sort of release. They have to. Its my opinion that
forcing celibacy upon somebody is sadistic and almost amounts to a
version of mid-evil torture. Sure, everybody knows they are not allowed
to have sex, but they are also not allowed to masturbate or have any
fantasies or impure thoughts. Even wet dreams are wrong. So, when you
have no other release and have been told that something is forbidden,
it makes people act out in the most deplorable and inexcusable of ways.
Still, the stubborn and evil Church goes on and stands behind their
nearly thousand year old tradition. They are losing followers and
therefore power as this thing gets more out of hand, but its not enough
and not fast enough.

I have friends and family that are still Catholic and I struggle to
understand why. The way I see it, if you continue to support the
church, you are an enabler to the Church and its evil ways, even if you
choose to look away. There are plenty of other spiritual choices out
there and by continuing to pledge your support to the Church, the
longer it will be before they are forced to take serious action. The
only way to force change is to stop supporting and enabling the Church
continue this cruel practice. Forcing people to cleanse themselves of
all intimate contact and sexual thoughts is inhumane and not healthy.
Any doctor will tell you that a healthy sex life is part of a well
balanced life, both physically and mentally. By supporting the Church,
supporters and Catholics worldwide almost become co-conspirators and
co-defendants in what has become one of the most tragic scandals in the
history of the Church. As is my understanding, there are many different
paths to God, why support one that has caused so much sorrow and pain.
What makes people continue to believe in the Church? Even people that
are fringe Catholics, they still call themselves Catholic. They tell me
“well, its not the Church that is doing it, but a small percentage of
sick priests.” This may or may not be true. All I know is, it is wrong.
And its more than the raping of little boys. Other priests commit
adultery with married ladies (and married men) because of this rule.
Don’t you get it? It IS the Church that is doing this. It might be the
priests that are committing these atrocities, but the Church plays Tony
Soprano to their Paulie Walnuts. Not only do they cover these crimes
up, they also defend these priests and then make the problem even worse
with that sick and disgusting celibacy rule. It is my belief that the
Church should be held accountable in these crimes, and part of the
accountability is losing followers. Its the only way.

Letterman did a top 10 list the other night of our favorite evil Dick

See, ain’t that the perfect Cheney pic? Anywho, here is the top 10 list
about a vice president who happens to currently have an 18% approval
rating.

Top Ten Reasons Dick Cheney Won’t Resign

Since when does diversity have to include people promoting their own
hateful thoughts and anti-diversity agenda?  Why is it that gays
can not do ANYTHING without objection by Christians? Honestly, is it
any of their fucking business? The way I see it, if they think it is
their business, then I say we should tell them all about our sex lives
and in explicit detail. If they feel they need to be up in our
business, then lets give it to them, otherwise, they should back the
fuck off and let us live our lives. What gives them the right to push
us around like this? We are not violating their rights at all, in spite
of what they claim. They say it violates their freedom of religion, but
that doesn’t make the fuckest bit of sense since homosexuality is not a
religion (although, imagine how much fun it would be). And I don’t see
how it violates their guarantee of equal protection and yet a gay
marriage ban doesn’t violate that same right for gays. And in this
specific situation, would the school still cancel the event if, say, an
anti black group such as the KKK complained they they weren’t
represented? Or, how about if the Nazi party showed up and all of a
sudden wanted in? You know damn fucking well that the school would have
told them to fuck off and gone on with their plans. These crazy
Christians are evil, even more evil than Dick Cheney.

Man, this censorship since Mrs Nipplesworth showed her nipple during
the Super Bowl has gone far enough. Today I heard one of my favorite
Petty songs, “You Don’t Know How it Feels” and you know the part where he says “let’s roll, another joint”?
Well, they have replaces the word joint with the word drag. Yeah, like
that makes SOOOOOOO much sense. “Yo, Silent Bob, fire up that drag so
we can get movin.” What the fuck? I mean, honestly, what the
motherfucking fuck? They never censored it before. This shit has gone
too far. First of all, if a kid is even old enough to know what it
means, this won’t fool him. Secondly, if he doesn’t know what it means,
he will ask “Mom, what the hell does that mean? It doesn’t make sense”
and she will say either “Beats the shit outta me Jimmy. Now do your
fucking homework and walk the dog” or “well Jimmy, its means this man
likes to toke to relax, but drugs are wrong Jimmy. Now get me another
beer.” And as I mentioned a few months ago, they are also censoring the
Black Eyed Peas “Don’t Funk With My Heart”
to say “Don’t Mess With My Heart” even though, funk is the censored
version of fuck. And its all because the stations are afraid of getting
fined because of the nipple. How can this all be? Its flat out
censorship at its finest. Plus, how often can you even understand what
a singer is saying? When I was a kid, I thought they were saying all
sorts of fucked up things, like in Toto’s “Africa” I always thought they said “there’s nothing that a hundred men on Mars could ever do”
(actually, its a 100 men or more……..my friend Keith thought they
said Mars too, so I know I wasn’t alone” and in Bananarama’s “Cruel Summer” my little overactive mind thought they said “Bruce Samba“.
Yeah, I know pathetic. But, it proves a point that a lot of singers
mumble and are not clear. So basically, they are censoring on the off
chance that a child MIGHT understand what they are saying. And, they
are censoring because they think kids might get the wrong idea. Well, I
happen to think this is the perfect chance to talk to kids about these
sort of things. So I say let Sublime sing about how when Annie turns 14
she is going to be a whore, because, chances are little Annie will grow
up to be a whore anyway (later in life it appears Annie gets murdered,
or so Michael Jackson would lead you to believe). And just what exactly
are we “protecting” these kids from anyway? Most kids know and even use
many of these words already anyway. Now don’t get me wrong, there are
far more things we have to solve before the issue of crazy censorship
(the global warming just might make this all moot anyway) but can’t we
just stop it from getting any worse? So Janet Jackson showed us her
nipple for an 1/8 of a second, correct me if I wrong, but doesn’t every
person on the planet have 2 nipples? Maybe my opinion is different
about this because I’m not a parent, but I doubt it. Shit, from the
time I was 3 or 4 I have been curious about my nipples and still wonder
what fucking useful, non sexual purpose they serve for males, I don’t
think seeing more of them is going to make any child become some sort
of nipple maniac. If anything, its going to make them even more
curious. Anywho, I’m really getting away from the original
subj……….way a minute, what was the original subject? Oh, yeah,
can you even believe the Cowboys sign Terrell Owens? That’s a soap opera
waiting to happen.

“St. Patrick’s Day, a day when everybody is Irish……….except for the Gays and Italians.”
 -Kent Brockman

Great, so it looks like either way, I’m screwed.

Are you ready people, now its time for my annual lame St Patrick’s Day joke:

On the way home tonight, all of the traffic lights were a festive green.

According to the goofy ass calendar we have at work, today was
“National True Confessions Day” so I played the role of the annoying
co-worker asking everybody if they had something they wanted to
confess. I went first, telling everybody about when I got a 4 year old
drunk. Yes, thats right, she was 4. Now, before you get all upset and
appalled by this, let me tell you the story. We were 12 and we were
next door at Mistey’s house. She was 2 years older then us, the 2 kids
that lived across the street (Mike, 13 and Rick, 11) were there too as
were 2 little girls that lived 2 houses down (Jennifer, 7 and Crystal,
4). Well, Mistey’s dad was quite the alcoholic and of course, no
parents were home. Now, I don’t know how we got started with it, but as
kids are prone to do, we got into the alcohol. Soon we started playing
a fun game some of you might know called quarters. Now, for the record,
I didn’t drink anything and didn’t actually give anything to the kids.
However, I didn’t do anything to stop it and I guess technically, I
contributed to the delinquency of a minor. And, I also don’t know if
the vodka we gave her actually got her drunk, but I do know that she
went home and passed out and woke up vomiting a few hours later, and
if that aint drunk then I don’t know what is. As one might imagine, our
parents weren’t exactly thrilled with us. In fact, my mom grounded us
until she died. Shit, I can still hear her yelling. Fuck, was she
pissed. I will say this much, one way to take the attention off of your
own drinking is to get somebody even younger drunk, as parents tend to
overlook the crime of your own drunkenness. And really, none of the
parents focused on the older kids drinking, but instead on the 4 year
old and 7 year old. As I explained to my co-workers, since then I have
never gotten a 4 year old drunk and certainly don’t condone alcohol use
of somebody so young. Also, this was bar none the worst thing I have
ever done. But, all these years later, I can look back on it
and laugh about how crazy it all was.

Check out this site, this straight kid supposedly  got kicked out
of school for making a teenage version of Brokeback Mountain, here is
the link:

http://www.brandonflyte.com/

That’s all for now people, have a nice night.

Man, I wish I had time for a full post, but I have been so busy working
overtime and it just seems like I have no time for anything. But, what
can I say, they offered me double time.

Since I’m going to be busy working a lot over the next few weeks, I
need you people all to step up and take care of something. For some
reason that defies all logic and common sense, Terry Bradshaw is
acting. In movies. It was bad enough he was doing commercials, but he
was in an actual movie, Failure to Launch with Matthew McConaughey
(that’s my friend Heather’s man……..I think she would even have his
babies) taking a really bad movie and making it downright unwatchable
(or so it seems……….I won’t waste my time on it). A lot of people
don’t know but he actually came out with an album back in the 70s. And,
the past few years have found him embarrassing himself and his country
by singing during the Super Bowl pregame show. Couldn’t Dick Chenney
have shot him in the face instead? What would it take for people to
stop rioting over the cartoons of Mohammad and start rioting over his
sorry attempt at entertainment? I’ve said it before and I will say it
again, he must be stopped.

Looks like I’m going to be saved from myself. The straight guy from
work is moving to Arizona some time in May. In a few months, he will be
moved and out of my life forever.

I would imagine most of you don’t watch the Sopranos, but fuck, what a
return last night. For the next 12 (ok, now its down to 11) Sundays, it
will be an event. Man, you gotta love the Sopranos.

I had something I was thinking about thinking to write about, but I
forgot what I was thinking to think about, so you are left to read this
semi-confusing sentence.

Fuck man, for those of you that live in IL, did you hear those
cocksucking storms last night? I didn’t get to bed before they started
so that meant that the loud thunder would keep me up. It started about
midnight and seemed like it would never end. Every time I started to
doze off, BOOM! another loud crash to wake me up. And just when I
thought it was over, it would start raining hard again and more thunder
would follow. This went on for at least 90 minutes. Shit, if I had
known it would have lasted that long, I would have gotten up and
watched a movie. I guess of all nights, Sundays would be one of the
best nights for it to happen, as I usually don’t all asleep ’til late
anyway due to being up late on Friday and Saturday. That’s all for now
people.

Since I have a lack of events to write about recently, I decided to
periodically write about things that have happened before I started
this xanga giving you, the faithful reader more insight into my boring
life before xanga. Also, it gives me a chance to record these memories
before I forget them due to the over exposure of hi-def tv waves. I
will start today with one time in which my heart was broken and still
has yet to heal. I speak of October, 2003.

Ever since I was 9, I have been a huge, rabid foaming at the mouth Cubs
fan. Being a Cub fan, you have to deal with a lot of losing, bad
baseball and heartbreak. The previous generation had 1969, a year when
the Cubs had a huge lead in the division over the HATED Mets (I hate
them more than the Pistons) in mid-August only to blow it. Our
generation had 1984 (Cubs blew a 2-0 game lead in the playoffs) but
nothing of the ’69 magnitude. That is, until 2003. Before the season, I
knew the Cubs had a good team and even honestly thought they had a
chance to win the World Series. John had been saying, and I’m not
exaggerating this at all, since about 1995 that in 2003, the Cubs would
win it all. On the last weekend of the season, they won the division. I
was very excited, because I knew with their pitching staff, they had a
great chance. I couldn’t take my Cubs jacket off for about a week. The
day after they won the division, Jt, Dave and I were playing darts on a
Sunday night. We left the bar about 11:30 and I asked them if they
wanted to go to Wrigley Field. They didn’t think I was serious, but I
was and we drove 45 minutes late on a Sunday night just so that I could
see Wrigley Field. I was pumped. A couple of days later, they started
the playoffs against the Atlanta Braves, trading victories until the
Cubs won game 5 in Atlanta to advance to the NLCS. This was the first
time the Cubs had won any post season series since 1908. At this point,
my excitement level was through the roof.

On October 7, our 28th birthday, the Cubs played game 1 of the NLCS
against the Florida Marlins. We watched the game at Mark’s house, which
was routine for this post season. We must have watched about 4 games at
Mark’s house the whole post season. In fact, I can remember where I
watched each game. Each time there was a group of about 10-15 people at
Mark’s house, and we had some weird superstitions as well. For example,
John was not allowed to sit on the couch because the Cubs only seemed
to score when John was sitting on the floor. Back to game 1, though,
they lost in 10 innings. The won the next game huge, I think the final
score was something like 12-3. Game 3 was a Friday night and another
exciting game which the Cubs won in extra innings, which we watched at
Tailgaters. Game 4 was held on a Saturday and we watched that game at
Amy’s parents house, as they had a 50th birthday party for her mom. I
remember meeting a guy there who was wearing a Marlins hat. I asked
him if he was a Sox fan and he said he was a Marlins fan. I said that
nobody was a Marlins fan here and he eventually admitted to being a Sox
fan and hating the Cubs so much, that he went out and bought a Marlins
hat just for this series. Sox fans were so upset about the Cubs, I also
remember hearing a Sox fan that had called into the Score to say that
this was hell and his worse nightmare. Anywho, the Cubs won game 4 and
this put them on the brink of being in their first World Series since
1945. On the way home, I remember listening to the post game show on
the radio and them saying that the Cubs were one game away from the
Series. It was a surreal moment. The next night, they lost game 5 to a
dominant Josh Beckett, but I was ok with that because they were coming
home for games 6 and 7 and had their 2 best pitchers going, Mark Prior
in game 6 and Kerry Wood in game 7. Prior had been flat out filthy
dominating in the 2nd half of the season. Wood was unhittable in the
Atlanta series. I was convinced there was no way they would lose both
games. I figured if somehow, the Marlins won game 6, there was no way
they would win game 7. In short, I was giddy.

At this point, the Cubs had more than consumed me. It was all I thought
about. At the time, I was working 2nd shift at AAA, but I kept taking
half days to watch the Cubs games. On Tuesday, Oct 14, I walked into
work jubilant, after all this was the night. I told a co-worker that
for girls, they wait their whole life for their wedding and for me,
this was like my wedding, I had waited my whole life for this and
finally, the wait was about to be over. That night, on the way to
Mark’s house, Steve Stone predicted on WGN radio that right about 9:40,
the Cubs would be celebrating their first pennant since 1945. This
brought a smile to my face from ear to ear. I only got happier when
Kenny Lofton led off the bottom of the first with a double and later
scored to give the Cubs a 1-0 lead. Eventually, they took a 3-0 lead.
It got to the 8th inning. After the first out, we all started chanting
“5 MORE OUTS, 5 MORE OUTS.” This moment represents the zenith and peek
moment in all my years of a Cub fan. Now, it was time for it all to
come crashing down.

 I don’t remember the exact order of events, but I know that Prior
walked somebody. Next batter (I think it was Luis Castillo), as I’m
sure you all have seen a million times, hit a foul ball down the left
field line. I don’t need to tell you what happened, if you don’t know
then you either were living under a rock or have some very serious
memory problems that you should see a doctor for. A few pitches later,
a ground ball to the sure handed Alex Gonzalez who forgot to close his
glove. A wild pitch, a bases clearing double and 8 runs later, our
hearts were torn out. I remember sitting there absolutely stunned and
the room, which had been filled with promise and joy only minutes ago,
was quiet. Mark and several others were  bitching about the fan (I
don’t want to mention his name, I still do not blame him and do not
hold him responsible) as I sat there, trying to fathom what had just
happened. Of course, they went on to lose that game and one of the
things I said was “its over.” John said I was being dick and tried to
remain upbeat and positive. I on the other hand, looked at things
realistically, and realistically, it could go either way. Most teams
don’t lose game sevens at home, but on the other hand, most teams don’t
come back from such crushing, devastating losses. I listened to the
pregame show the whole way home. I stopped for gas and stood there
putting gas in my car, just going through the motions, mind trying to
comprehend what I just saw. I caught some of Letterman that night and
he had John Cusack on, and they were talking about how this was finally
it for the Cubs, they were finally going to win. Of course, the show
was taped a few hours before the game, so they didn’t know the results,
but it was like torture listening to them talk about what could have
been. I even had trouble sleeping that night (which is nothing new, I
have trouble just about every night), my mind replaying the events in
my head like a Sportscenter highlight.

The next day, I woke up and all I could think about was the game. In
the shower, I kept thinking to myself “I don’t blame the fan, its not
his fault…………but, what the fuck did he have to touch that ball?
Why then, why not a game in mid May?” At work, it was all everybody was
talking about, and I do mean everybody, even people who had never been
to a baseball game in their life. That night, we watched game 7 at Dave
and Kelli’s house. They fell behind early 3-0 in the first and at
first, I thought that was it and I even said so to Jt. He told me to
shut the hell up, he did not want to watch the game if I was going to
be like that. Soon though, they came back and even took a 5-3 lead
going into the 6th inning. But, things fell apart again, although not
quite in the same crazy fashion. Once the Marlins brought in Josh
Beckett, I knew the game was over and the unthinkable had happened.
Still, I was convinced that with the Cubs pitching staff, they would be
right back there in the years to come. How wrong I was, at least so
far, as this year is another year.

In the months after the collapse, I still thought about it a lot. Of
course, it didn’t help that it seemed to be on tv or the radio every 10
minutes. Still, I was excited for 2004 and could not wait for the
season to start up. Such is the life of a Cub fan, though. Heartbroken
one minute, hope the next.