Last night I played cards at Sean’s house. I didn’t do so well, I hung
tough but in the end, didn’t win any money. During the games we were
watching Road Trip. Have any of you ever seen that movie? I find the
skinny dude (played by Dj Qualls) oddly attractive. The thing that is
so amazing, is that when they showed him in his briefs with the big
chick, he looks hung. And not just normally hung, but like SUPER HUNG.
I mean, like he might be packing 8 inches down there. If you ever catch
this movie, be sure to pay attention to this. I was trying to find pics
of it on the internet, but haven’t been able to.

Holy shit, the Bulls have come roaring back to tie the series with the
Heat. The biggest surprise though is how bad Miami has looked. They
seem to be self-destructing, its great to watch since I hate everybody
associated with that team except for Dwyane Wade.

I was also watching something today about John Hinkley Jr, the nutjob
that shot President Reagan. Now, the reason why he shot him was because
he wanted to get Jodie Foster to notice him. Sure, that’s pretty fucked
up, but what always amazes me when people do shit like this to get
somebody to notice them is the delusion that they wouldn’t get caught
and be able to live happily ever after. You are planning to shoot the
fucking president of the damn United States, what makes you think not
only that you will get away with it, but also that you will be able to
get away, get the object of your affection to be with you and make it
out of the country alive? And lets just say by some miracle this
happens, how are you going to live your life now? You can’t work, you
are just going to have to become a career criminal. What makes you
think your girlfriend will want this? “Oh baby, I’m glad you love me
now that I have shot the president, now hurry up and get showered, we
have to get these bags of cocaine taped to your colon.” Just shooting
in the president’s general direction would ensure that you would have a
manhunt for you that is bigger than just about any other manhunt.
Should you manage to hit the president, you don’t stand a chance of
getting out of the area. And just what exactly do you say to your love?
“Oh baby, look what I’ve done for you? Who do you want me to go after
next, Rush Limbaugh? Please say Rush Limbaugh, he is so annoying and
killing him would absolve me for shooting the pres.” The thing with
Hinkley though, is that his craziness gave him a chance to travel the
country. Do you realize, in his attempt to not only kill the pres, but
also stalk Jodie Foster took him all across the country? I mean, what a
fucking vacation. I think if more people knew that becoming a psychotic
stalker would result in a trip around the country, more it would not be
as frowned upon. Shit, just once I would like to psychotically stalk my
way to Vegas or even Hawaii. This guy has managed to travel to more
places than a lot of people I know, and just because was a whack job.
Its sounds so much more fun than the postal worker who shoots up his
local post office or the kid that goes postal at school. I mean, as
long as you are going to go crazy on somebody, you might as well get
something out of it. Plus, since you are a tourist, you are helping to
support the vacation economy in those fateful areas.  Tourism is
down in many areas, so this is a way to revitalize the vacation market.
And it makes for an interesting vacation, people are always talking
about boring vacations. See, when you put it that way, psychotic
stalking doesn’t sound so bad, does it?

Today we went to the Cubs game. It was me, John, and some guy from his
work who was kind enough to drive. We were to meet Mason at the Harry
Carey statue at 12:45 in the PM. We left our house about 10:50 and the
drive was fairly quick, arriving in the area, oh, about 11:35ish. The
place we normally park at is no longer there and so therefore, we found
another place to park on Irving Park and Seminary, and it was only $10.
We walked what was about 2 blocks to the park, where we walked along
the outfield wall behind the bleachers. Once again, we checked out the
hole in the right field wall which they have put a thin green screen
over the fence, but you could still see in. As it turns out, once you
go into the park, you can not go back out, so John and his work friend
went in and I waited outside for Mason. This gave me some time to
explore the surrounding neighborhood. I mostly went inside stores, one
of which was selling an Andre Dawson jersey I should have bought,
another had an authentic Cubs home jersey with no name on the back of
it, just the kind I want. And at a the low price of only $69, I
DEFINITELY should have bought it, but didn’t, mainly because I didn’t
want to carry it around all day long. Fucking dumbass me!

One of the cool things about going to Cubs games is that there are a
ton of hot guys, and sometimes, they have a problem with wearing a lot
of clothing. Today wasn’t warm enough for many of them to be shirtless,
but there still was a good amount that were wearing shorts to expose
their hot legs. Ohhhhhhh baby!!!

Finally, about 12:30, Mason called, he was already at the Harry statue.
I headed over to the area and looked around for him, but could not find
him. Finally, I was hit in the chest with a peanut and it was him. We
quickly headed inside and scratched off our scratch cards for a chance
to win a replica 1932 New York Yankees Babe Ruth jersey. I didn’t win
on the scratch off, and like a dumbass I threw my ticket away, even
though they had several 2nd chance drawings throughout the game. Fuck
me.

We grabbed some of those good ass grilled hot dogs with grilled onions
that they sell and headed to our seats. The seats were pretty far down
the left field line and underneath the upper deck, so we were in the
shade (although, the last couple of innings, the sun did manage to peek
through a hole and warm us). The seats were still pretty good, but you
know me, I don’t think there is a bad seat in the house. It wasn’t
nearly as cold as it was when Mark and I went 3 weeks ago, but if it
were about 10-15 degrees warmer, it would have been perfect. As it
stood, I had to keep my jacket on the whole day, but I was not
constantly shivering like I was last time. The Cubs got off to a quick
start scoring 2 runs in the 2nd inning.

We were seated in front of a family that had a toddler that couldn’t be
any older than 16 months. He was adorable and kept hitting me on the
back. So, I turned around and punched him square in the face. That will
teach him to fuck with me during a Cubs game!

Please disregard those last couple of sentences. I didn’t hit him in
the face. It was more the stomach. Ok, fine, have it your
way………..the truth is that I just turned around and smiled at him
and joked around with who I presumed to be his parents.

Things were rolling along great until the 8th inning, which is when it
happened. The bombings. John’s work buddy (Brian……..why didn’t I
just say his name 3 paragraphs ago) was sitting on the aisle, followed
by John, myself and Don. I looked over and saw him cleaning something
from his pants. Turns out, a couple of pigeons were perched on a wire
above us and had unloaded on this dudes pants! Now I was paranoid that
it would happen to me, which made it tough to pay attention to the
game. About 10 minutes later, I see Don cleaning his pants, and the guy
in front of John was cleaning his jacket the kid directly in front of
me was cleaning bird shit out of his fucking hair! Although I didn’t
actually see it, Don and Brian both said that one bird dropping managed
to hit 3 fucking people, like it was some kinda magic terd. Unlike the
Kennedy assassination, there was no Zapruter tape to catch any of this.
At this point, clearly we were under attack. I just found it amazing
that the shit skipped over John and myself. I wanted to try and pelt
the damn pigeons with peanuts to get them to move, but I think they
were too high up for me to hit them. For the last inning and a half, I
could not pay attention to the game as much and instead spent a lot of
time looking up at this damn pigeons that refused to move.

Finally, the Cubs won and we headed home. The drive was not as bad as I
thought it would be, it “only” took about 90 minutes, which seems like
a long time, but this was Lake Shore Drive and I55 on a Friday during
rush hour. All and all, really that long.

Tonight I decided to rent a movie. I wanted to see Syriana, but I guess
its not on dvd yet. John wanted to watch  King Kong. While I was
at the video store, some intolerant prick saw the dvd for Brokeback
Mountain and waved his hand at it and said something like “ahhhhh,
Gayback Mountain!” He said this right in front of his kid, who couldn’t
be any older then 7. So, naturally, I picked up the dvd and looked at
it, but I don’t think he saw me do it, as he just kept walking past it.
Look, asshole, you don’t have to like the fucking movie or even approve
of it, but there is no need to do shit like that, if you don’t want to
watch it, don’t watch it. I didn’t do that shit when Showgirls came out
on dvd.

I settled on King Kong. Scooty and Kris came over and we watched the 3
hour movie. I have to say, I was impressed, it was pretty good, but the
mere love fest between the chick and King Kong was a bit goofy. He is
an animal for shit’s sake, he can’t develop feelings. That being said,
we could have really used him to take care of those pigeons at the game
today.

There seems to be a lot of talk recently about gas prices and its time
that I put my 2 dollars and 91 cents in. Honestly, I don’t think these
high prices are as bad as people think. Allow me to explain. First of
all, the use of gas is not only bad for the environment, but its also
bad for the country. Logically speaking, the more money for gas, the
more likely people would be to try to find other forms of
transportation, hence less gas being used. Sadly, though, this doesn’t
seem to be the case, as usage has not gone down much. People are
bitching and pissing and moaning about prices, yet they do nothing
different to cut back their own use. For example, a couple of months
ago, I had a chump walk up to me while I was getting gas and beg me for
money because as he put it, they just put $17 in their rather large SUV
and it was “still on empty.” Of course, I didn’t give him any money. My
thinking is that (besides the fact that you should have at least 7
gallons of gas and his fuel gage probably wasn’t working) you should
have thought about the cost of filling up your Earth killing machine
before you bought the damn thing. Shit, gas prices have been over $2 a
gallon for a long time now, its really nothing new. The frustrating
part is that years ago, our government used to ask people to do things
to help, whereas now, they (both Republicans AND Democrats are guilty
of this) are afraid to ask because it would come back to bite them. The
American people don’t want to be inconvenienced and don’t have the
desire
to sacrifice part of their lifestyle. The American people believe that
they shouldn’t have to change their ways, to do so would be
un-American. Yet, some 60 years ago during WWII, Roosevelt asked the
American people to make sacrifices and we gladly did it. Other
presidents have asked things of the people and we always did it. Its
like what Kennedy said “Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country”. We
are fighting 2 wars in the middle east, one real and one bullshit, and
part of the way we as patriotic citizens could help is to use less gas,
which would help wean our depencence on foreign oil. Sure, nobody wants
to pay $4 for a gallon of gas, but very few people are willing to make
changes, such as driving a fuel efficient car, car pooling or, and here
is a novel idea, driving less. They just don’t change and keep
expecting our elected officials to do something. And, being afraid of
the public, these elected officials don’t have the balls to say “Ok, we
will do something for you, but you have to do something for us, try to
find ways to use less gas.”

The other side to this is that these oil companies are clearly gouging
the American public and then cry poor. If they are so fucking poor, why
did Exxon give its retiring CEO a $400 fucking million retirement send
off? Why did that same company post the largest profit ever for the
last quarter of 2005? They blame a lot of this on unrest in the middle
east, but a dirty little secret they are not telling you is that 50% of
our oil comes from Canada, and although I may not be a geography
expert, I can figure out that Canada is not exactly the middle east. If
one of these companies is smart, it will get with an automaker to help
develop a car that runs on another source of fuel besides oil and then
start selling that vehicle along with the alternate source of fuel as
the wave of the future. When enough people start buying this other car
and using this other source, this oil company and automaker will be
sitting back, raking in the money and saying “I told you so.” But,
again, we have too many companies that are more concerned with the
green of money instead of the greens of the Earth. These are big
corporations and companies and with tremendous power and wealth comes
even greater responsibility. And that responsibility is protecting our
only planet. And, protecting our economy and country. These high gas
prices affect every single person, company and industry in America and
our economy can only hold out for so long. When we went rafting last
year, we were told that the cost to go rafting had gone up because of
the cost of gas to run the buses. If gas prices could affect a small
rafting and campground, imagine what it will do to grocery stores,
airlines and government agencies. And because states are willing to
suspend taxes on gas, they have to make up for that money some way and
that means in the long run, higher taxes. Plus, the government uses gas
and oil too, and how are they going to pay for that? By raising or
coming up with other taxes.

In conclusion, it comes down to the oil companies and the people being
responsible for these high gas prices. Don’t sit there and cry poor
while you are posting the highest profit ever. And don’t sit there and
say you can’t afford to fill up your Escalade if you aren’t will to make a
simple sacrifice or curb your gas usage. Because if so, in the end, you
are part of the problem and not part of the solution.

I’m going to be completely shameless and steal something from Uvon. It
seems the Monopoly people are coming out with US landmark version of
Monopoly and you can go to the website to choose your favorite
landmark. Remember, when voting for Chicago, you want to choose Wrigley
Field.

http://www.monopoly.com

Also check this out

Good news everybody, we can finally find out who would win in a match up
of the 1-15 1989 Dallas Cowboys and the 1-15 1996 New York Jets!
Finally, I can sleep nights knowing who would win. Check out this site.

http://www.whatifsports.com/locker/default.asp

Btw, Dallas won 24-9

I don’t know who has HBO, but I can’t get enough of the “gay” episode
of the Sopranos that aired on Easter night. In case you didn’t know,
there was a character on the show, Vito, who was caught in a gay bar.
In the mafia world, being gay is a whackable offense. So, in this
particular episode, Vito is on the run because everybody has found out
his secret. The funny part, is that these mafia dudes spend so much
time kissing each other and hugging each other that they could be
mistaken as being gay. But, still its such a funny and interesting
episode. Sure, as a gay guy, I’m offended at their views on gays, but
their reactions are just so funny that I can’t help but laugh. And,
have you noticed that every fucking show has a gay episode? Come on
people, there are not THAT many gay people in the world. Trust me, I
know, every fucking guy I’m even remotely interested in is straight.
And some shows even have more than one episode, like in the case of the
Simpsons. But, just about every show I have ever watched has had at
least a gay episode with some gay subplot. The Sopranos, the Simpsons,
Seinfeld, Big Love (ohhhh, its gonna be SOOOOOO fucking hot if the son
turns out to be gay), Malcolm in the Middle, shit, even 24 had a gay character. Of course, I
don’t have a problem with any of this from a moral standpoint, but from
a realistic point, there just aren’t that many gay people in the world.

Today, I was SUPPOSED to play golf with Mark and his in laws. Now, I
have only golfed a handful of times, so there is no need for me to own
a set of golf clubs. I have always used Mark’s father in law’s extra
set. He didn’t bring them today, so this meant I would have to rent
them. Mark said it shouldn’t cost all that much money, we were guessing
around $20 total for clubs and golfing. Turns out, we were off, it was
$29! Fuck that shit. I told Mark that I would just use his clubs, but
he and Ron (his father in law) both said that they will not let you on
a course unless you have a set. Fuck that, I wasn’t about to pay $30 to
fucking golf. I know golf is a rich man’s game, but it really pisses me
off, it tries to hard to exclude instead of involve. First of all, it
expensive. It cost $13 for 9 holes of golf at this place. Now, I know
that doesn’t sound too bad, but Mark said it was less because its still
early in the season. Then, you have to also take into account balls,
tees, a cart and clubs. If you don’t have any of these and need to rent
all of these, that amounts to about $50 just to play fucking golf. And
if you were to buy your own set of clubs, they go for about $250-$300
for just a cheap set, plus you have the bag. Another thing about golf
is that it is a racist, sexist sport. I’m sure most of you know that at
Augusta golf course in Georgia (where they play the Masters) females
are not allowed to play at that course. Also, up until about 15 years
ago, blacks were not allowed. I find this unacceptable. And the mere
fact that it cost so much to play, that in itself might be a bit racist.

 Getting back on topic, though, I decided that I wasn’t going to
pay that much to play and took Mark’s car and came home, where John was
babysitting Addison (since both Mark and Amy and the grandparents were
golfing, they needed a sitter). She is so fucking adorable, but its
both cute and annoying that she cries every time she is left alone. Of
course, she is in a strange house and its not like John or I see her
enough to be extremely familiar with her (we see her every couple of
weeks) so I guess her crying is understandable. Still, she has been
very good and is currently napping on the couch. Gee, I hope she
doesn’t fall.

One thing I forgot to mention about the Bulls-Heat game last night in
Miami. It looked creepy that the whole crowd was dressed in white.
Seemed a bit like a cult. You know, like they had drunk a bunch of
Kool-Aid and were following their leader. Creepy. On the other hand, it
does look  sorta cool.

Today, Mark came by to watch the Cubs game. I also had the cable guy
come out to take a look at why the HD wasn’t working. Turns out, it has
something to do with the main line, but not here at my house. They say
it should be fixed sometime between now and Wednesday. Should be. Mark
and I also played a game of basketball one on one. For the first time I
can remember, I whipped his ass!! Yay me. I even made a remarkable shot
that I can’t even begin to describe. All I know is that I got close to
the hoop and flipped it up backward and somehow, it went in.

Didn’t do much tonight. I was supposed to pick Scooty up from the
airport, but he wound up getting a limo. That was ok, because it gave
me a chance to get the Bulls game. It was a close, hard fought and
entertaining game, but in the end, it was a loss. Although I don’t
expect them to beat Miami, I think they at least have a chance. I even
have a lunch bet on this series. Go Bulls!!!!

Those of you that are Christian, perhaps you could answer this one for
me (I’m going to pretend for a second that Jesus was actually the son
of God and not a mortal) if he could walk on water, does that mean that
he could not swim? I mean, obviously, if one walks on water, one would
not need to swim. But, think about this for a second. Perhaps he wants
to go swimming with friends and play Marco Polo, could he do that or
would be not be able to because he technically could not go in the
water? And if he did play Marco Polo, he would have the ultimate
advantage. Also, imagine trying to dunk Jesus? That would be
impossible. And what
if he was walking down the street and saw somebody drowning, screaming
“HELP!! HELP ME, JESUS, SAVE ME!!!” If the person is sinking he
couldn’t
actually go into the water to save the person. Once the person went
under, he/she would be screwed because all Jesus could do is walk on
water. The person would be gasping for air and flip off Jesus as he
stands there on the water shrugging his
shoulders and watching them sink to the bottom. I mean, you aren’t much
of an immortal or Son of God if you can’t save a person from a simple
drowning. Shit, even children can save adults from drowning, yet your
“savior” could not save you from drowning. Sure you can turn the water
into wine and heal the sick, but a simple task such as saving somebody
from drowning and you are fucking worthless. Perhaps Jesus can turn if
off and on when he needs to. In other words, if he wants to go for a
dip, he can just turn off the power of being able to walk on water.
Which brings us back to the original point, which is could he swim? Its
not like anybody could teach him. Imagine, his parents paying the local
lifeguard $45 an hour to teach him to swim and he gets nothing out of
it because, oh, by the way, “Mr & Mrs Christ, I was unable to teach
your son how to swim, turns out he just walks on the water instead.”
And this brings up another point, how did he bathe? Its not like he can
just fill up the tub and have a nice, relaxing, hour long soak. One
can’t take a bath if one is just on top of the water. Did he have to
pay people to wash him? They just leave this vital points out of the
bible, but yet, I know in the thousands of years the bible has been
around at least one other person has to have wondered the same thing.

Why is it that whenever somebody has something large and heavy to move,
they always call me, the weakest person they know? For the
14,562,478,954,125 time, Mark’s basement flooded and I had to help him
move his pool table. I told him I would have to exercise first and eat
but should be there within an hour.  He and John grew impatient
and they broke part of the pool table trying to move it. We still had
to move it more once I got there, but just not as much.

The Cubs and Bulls are on a fucking roll. Kick ass. Much too tired to type more, so feel free to make up your own shit.

Fuck me and my piss ass loyalty to my current place of employment. I
like my job. Its a great company, they are very good to me. But, Mason
had tickets to the game tomorrow (I don’t even need to say what game,
you should know) and I turned him down because I don’t want to call in
to work. See, I have perfect attendance for the year right now, and if
I make it the whole year, I get a $100 bonus. Fuckity fuck fuck. I’m
kicking myself right now. I asked John if he wanted to go and he said
he couldn’t go. Then, I called up Mark and the conversation went
something like this:
Me: “Hey, what’s up. Mason has some, you in for tomorrow?”
Mark: “Oh man……..I can’t. Too bad it wasn’t this nice last week when we went.”
See, I didn’t even need to say it, just had to ask him if he was in. He
knew exactly what I meant. And its not a twin thing either. Its a Cub
fan thing.

So, tonight was the wake (read the post from the other day) of my
aunt’s sister. Turns out, it was the same funeral home that Uncle
Freddie’s was in………you know, the one in which I had a run-in with
my mother’s brother. Walking into this place brought back a lot of
goofy memories. In fact, I even reminisced about it with some of the
relatives. I was sitting there talking to my cousin’s 11 year old son
when I felt the presence of evil enter: my mother’s evil to the fucking
core sister and her daughter and son in law. I’m not just saying this
because we are enemies, but shit, her daughter looks like complete and
utter hell. She has tanned WAAAAAY too much over the years. And, her
hair is a bleach blond, which might be ok when you are 22, but looks
kinda goofy when you are 55 and have sun blotches from 30 years of
tanning beds. As for her husband………..he looks and reminds me of
Tony Soprano.

The funeral home was actually pretty cool. They had a bunch of campaign
buttons from former presidential campaigns. Pretty cool stuff and that
was just in the bathroom. In the other area (not where the body was,
but you know the other room that wasn’t the kitchen) had a bunch of
pretty interesting artifacts, including a VERY TINY
lock of George Washington’s hair and of Abe Lincoln’s hair. For some
reason, they also had a lock of Jefferson Davis’s hair, which didn’t
seem to make sense since not only was he the president of the evil
confederacy but we were also a northern state.

As for the wake itself, it was pretty uneventful. Granted, it was not a
wake for one of my mom’s relatives, so therefore things were calm and
sane. I have to say though, it was pretty boring. Maybe we need the
drama to spice things up and keep things interesting.