May 7, 2006

•  Last night, John and I went to Scooty’s to play some games. It was cool, but I will spare you the details of the game playing. We also looked at just a few hundred pictures from his wedding and honeymoon, and if you think that sounds like a bit……..er……….much, you should have been there. Actually, it wasn’t so bad, I did like looking at them, but after the first 100 pics of the honeymoon, I think I was ready to go.
  
  Have you all heard about the 33 year old man in Malaysia that married a 104 year old lady? I’m not making this up. He claims that it is not about money, he says she is poor and he truly loves her. Now, as much as I’m disgusted by the mere thought (as I’m sure each of you are too) the first thing that pops into my mind (and I’m sure of each of your minds as well) is the sex. I mean, just how exactly does one have sex with somebody of that age? I can’t even imagine it. Sex with a 33 year old! That’s just crazy. Really though, you have to wonder what its like for a 33 year old to have sex with a person that was 71 years old when he was born. And could you imagine taking her home to meet the parents? Mom, dad, I’d like you to meet my new wife, who, by the way, is old enough to be your grandmother. This is her 21st marriage. To put this into context, thats a little less then one marriage for every year he has been alive. One has to wonder why she has been married 21 times. Maybe she has had some of her other husbands killed. Maybe she is a cruel bitch. Perhaps she is the cheating type, you know, Hef just turned 80 perhaps she is going to try to bag him. Whatever it is, one has to wonder how and why a lady has been married 20 times before you even got there. I wonder what the wedding was like? Do you think she threw the bouquet? What about the garter? Did he use his teeth to get it? And if you were her family and you got the damn invatation in the mail, wouldn’t you just be like “oh, look at this, Vanita is getting married, AGAIN!! When will she ever find the one? And how many times do we have to get her a wedding gift before enough is enough?” Anywho, here is a pic of the lovely couple:

  
  

  

  
  

  Actually, she doesn’t look bad. I mean, she only looks a couple of days past 103. Come to think of it, I thought cultures in the east frowned upon things so different. She is pictured here holding a deck of cards that Teddy Roosevelt gave her. Now, I all for what ever makes people happy. And if they truly love each other and are happy, that’s great. But, I’m completely blown away by this, I mean, he married a lady that is 104! I mean, what the fuck. Anywho, Letterman just had to do a top 10 list about this:

  
  

  
  Top Ten Questions To Ask Yourself Before Marrying A 104-Year-Old Woman
  
  

  
  

  10. “Will I get along with her parents?”

  
  

  9. “What if the day after we get married I meet a hot 103-year-old?”

  
  

  8. “Will the wedding cake fit through a straw?”

  
  

  7. “Should I go on Springer or Montel?”

  
  

  6. “Do I mind that her ex is Orville Wright?”

  
  

  5. “Does Sunnyvale Retirement Home offer a honeymoon package?”

  
  

  4. “Would I be better off marrying two 52-year-olds?”

  
  

  3. “Will this still be a good idea when the tequila wears off?”

  
  

  2. “How much longer can I make her think I’m Bob Barker?”

  
  

  1. “When do we get to consummate this bad boy?”

  
  

   

  
  

  Over the weekend, I was watching a thing on the Travel Channel about exotic Asian foods and this American guy goes to all these different Asian places and has all sorts of wild and crazy foods. Now, I’m pretty open minded when it comes to food and would try anything. Or so I thought. Now, he ate some typically odd food, like turtle, frog all sorts of fish, bats, chicken butt, testicles and penis of some animals, intestines of other animals and weird fruits, among many other things, all of which, I would try. My theory is that other countries and cultures probably think its gross that we cow, or pig. But, what really grossed me out and made me think twice was that he ate, and I’m not making this up, a frog’s beating heart. Honest. The thing was still fucking beating and he just ate it right the fuck down. He also ate bird’s nest, which is made into a soup and is supposed to taste good because of the bird saliva. Ok, I think you could get me to try that. But, they also had all sorts of bugs, including ant larva and beetles. Sorry, but I draw the line at insects. Oh, and he also drank turtle’s blood……..but, I guess it was better because it was on the rocks and whatnot. Sorry, I’m gonna skip that one too.

  
  

  What cracks me right the fuck up about these things is somebody had to be brave enough to try this shit for the first time. I mean, what sane person thinks to themselves “you know what would be really good? Drinking the blood of that turtle.” Or somebody has to say “hurry up and get that heart out of that dead frog, I want to eat it before it stops beating.” Who in their right mind thinks this shit is going to be healthy to eat? I mean, fucking roaches? Disease infested fucking roaches? Come on people!!! Somebody had to be the first person to try this shit. The only way that I could conceive this happening is on a dare. A group of frat boys (do they have frats in Japan and other parts of Asia? For the purpose of this, they do) are sitting around getting drunk and one of them dares another one to fry up that cockroach. And the other replies “sure, I will do that, if you eat that frog’s beating heart.” And there you go, a whole new meal is born. Think about it, how the hell else would this get started? I mean, even if somebody was starving to death, they would wait until the heart stops beating before eating it. Sure, I guess it could be some sort of Satanic ritual, but is Satanism that popular there? They eat the fucking beating heart of a frog!!! A FUCKING BEATING HEART!!! Is anybody else as blown away by this as I am? Why would anybody think this is a good idea? Wouldn’t you be worried about disease? There are certain foods that if you eat raw or undercooked that could not only make you violently ill, but also can cause death. Don’t they know this? I don’t know, perhaps I’m just being a wuss about all of this, but I have a feeling that most of you would agree with me on this.

  • 3:16 pm
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