heckels's Xanga Site

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July 18, 2006

I need to start a fundraising campaign for myself, and this is an extremely serious situation. I need lots of money for attorneys and various other litigation fees. See, I’m in a dire need to sue. In fact, some might consider the situation grave. I’m going to sue the “Can you hear me now?” guy from Verizon Wireless. Seems I look like him. Or so I’m told. When an endless stream of strangers come up to you and say “Can you hear me now?” its a dead giveaway that you might look like the “Can you hear me now?” guy. Ok, so there has not been a single stranger that has said that to me. In fact, its only been one or 2 people I know that have said that too me. But, nevertheless, here is a pic of the guy, you be the judge

See, this whole definitely necessary lawsuit was made essential thanks in part to a loser by the name of Allen Heckard. This guy is suing Michael Jordan and Nike for the small nominal fee of $832 million! Here is a pic of the two nearly identical twins:

Here are some of the differences between the 2. One is 6’6, the other is 6’2. One is 42 years old, the other is 51. One has his own shoe, has played in the NBA for 13 years, is known worldwide and has millions and millions of dollars, the other………..well, apparently, he has borrowed money from his relatives for lawyer. The lawsuit accuses Jordan of defamation, permanent injury, emotional pain, and suffering. I mean, I don’t know about you, but as a kid growing up in Chicago, I always dreamed of the day that I could be “Like Allen Heckard, if I could be like Allen Heckard” what with my many Allen Heckard jerseys and posters. And after all, it must be so tough for him to have to shave his head everyday to look more like Mike, if only he had a choice. And you can see how Jordan caused him all that he said he has caused him. I mean, the nerve of Michael to be born 9 years younger, work his ass off to become the best basketball player ever, win 6 championships (including hitting a shot over Craig Ehlo, thank you very much, Ashley’s Cavs). I’m sure when you think about it, all of this was designed to get even at that evil Allen Heckard for having the nerve to kinda look like Jordan’s 3rd cousin.

Still, this gives me an idea. In addition to the “Can you hear me now?” guy, over the years, I have been told I look like Sammy Davis Jr, Tom Hanks, Jay Leno, Ben Stiller, Woody Harrleson, Weird Al Yankovic, Scott Stapp, Scottie Pippen, and Chester Cheese. I know it sounds like I’m making that list up, but I’m not, people have told me all of those over the years. So, I think I’ve got a case. The way I see it, Hanks owes me his Oscar for Philadelphia and I won’t stop until I get it. Oh, and Woody? That fucker should give me the profit on the pot he sells, after all, I’m always getting people asking me if I “have the mad munchies, yo”. And if it weren’t for Scott Stapp, people wouldn’t be telling me that I suck so much. Ok, they still would, but it wouldn’t be for “One Last Breath”. Just think, though, of all the money I could get. I mean, I couldn’t get anything from Stapp, I’m quite certain he is living under a bridge somewhere.

One could see how traumatic it would be having people say you look like a one eyed, black, Jew or like a deadbeat late night host. But traumatic looking like fucking Jordan? I mean, this is Michael Fucking Jordan, if I were a black guy, I would consider it a compliment. If it caused so much emotional pain and suffering, then why did he continue to play basketball at the local YMCA? That is why he is charging emotional pain and suffering, because everybody made fun of him because he couldn’t dunk. It would be kinda like people making funny of me because that song I wrote for Tony Danza was better than anything Scott Stapp has written. The guy is also trying to get $200 mil for defamation, claiming he ran into Larry Bird and he “viciously trash talked me, obviously thinking I was Jordan.” How does he know it was Bird and not a Bird look alike? Because of my distinct Weird Al traits, people are always asking me to write songs, like parodies of lame Scott Stapp songs. Man, can you tell how much I don’t like that waste? Holy shit, does Scott Stapp suck. Maybe I will sue him, but not because he looks like me, but because he sucks so much, his music is ruining my ride to work.

So, if you want to give money towards my cause of suing to get my dignity and look back, please contribute. I promise that if I win my case, I will autograph a picture of whatever celeb you think I look like.