This driving safe is for the fucking birds! As many of you know,
because of my tickets I have been trying to drive as perfect as I
could, because another ticket means my license will be suspended for 3
months. Now, I have to change my whole way of driving. For example,
normally, I would be in the left lane seeking out the person that is
speeding. Now, because I don’t want the temptation to speed, I have
been driving in the right lane behind the slow drivers. This is so
frustrating, as I just want to get in the left lane, slam on the gas
and fly past them. But no, instead, I follow the old lady in front of
me at a safe distance. And nothing is more lame than driving with
windows down and something great blaring out of the radio, like
Metallica or Van Halen or the Black Eyed Peas as you are driving the
speed limit in the left lane while mini vans and semi trucks speed past
you. I mean, when you hear a song like Van Halen’s “Panama” you should
be speeding, shit, its practically a law to speed during that song. But
nooooooooo, I can’t speed, I have to be careful. Now, I know all of
this is my own fault and I shouldn’t be speeding anyway’s, but it sure
is damn frustrating.

Every 4th of July they have that hot dog eating contest. For some
reason that is beyond me, they try to claim this as a sport. I have to
have an extremely emphatic opposition to this as a sport. Its eating,
its not a damn sport. Sorry, but if it causes your cholesterol to go up
and you to get fatter, it aint a damn sport, its a meal. Sure, there is
the danger of  choking to death, that doesn’t make it a sport, I
mean, when was the last time you saw them stop a football game to give
a linebacker the Heimlich Maneuver. Can you just seen an official
saying this during a football game: “Offsides, number 54, choking on a
meatball sandwich, first down!” Sure, its funny, but it doesn’t go with
the whole theme of football. And you don’t wear a bib in any other
sport. Sure, catchers wear chest protectors, but its to protect their
chest from foul balls, not to prevent mustard from getting on their
jersey. If eating is a sport, than whose to say taking a shit isn’t a
sport? I mean, if putting it in is a sport, than certianly flushing it
out  has to count for something, right? 
“Live from Orlando, its the World Series of Competitive Shitting! And
here comes our returning champion, Terd Crapper, fresh from a visit to
White Castle! Boy does he look like he’s gotta go, he has got a stack
of newspapers under his arm thicker than a dictionary.” Sure,
you can make an argument for a pissing contest being a sport, I mean
what guy among us hasn’t tried to out piss somebody in a public
restroom or try to piss further during a frat party, but its still not
a sport. Just think about all the other everyday activities that can be
a sport. Brushing your teeth. Showering. Breast feeding. Wait, now the
breast feeding, I might be on to something. Just undo the bra, hook the
mouth up to the nipple and the first one to burp without crying wins.
And because there are naked boobies involved, guys will pay big bucks
to see that. Now how about competitive cleaning? Just look at them race
their vacuum cleaners like their lives depended on it. But, the biggest
reason why eating isn’t a sport is because binge drinking isn’t a
sport. I ask you people, is their anything that requires as much
dexterity and balance as a keg stand? That alone makes it a sport. Then
you toss in walking and not falling over, being able to still see
straight enough not to spill your drink all over yourself  and
most importantly, the endurance to keep drinking. If that’s not a
sport, than surely eating is not a sport. I’ve been to college parties,
out drinking your buddies is about as competitive and as important as
any NHL game. And just see how serious the mood turns when you run out
of beer. Its the drinking equivalent of a sport injury. Everybody gets
quiet and for a few minutes, there is a silent panic until you find
somebody sober enough to make a beer run. And when somebody throws up,
its kinda like when a player makes a boneheaded play. Don’t think so?
Just compare the reaction next time somebody throws up with your own
reaction the next time somebody on your favorite team fucks up. Now,
clearly, drinking is more of a sport than eating, and honestly drinking
still isn’t a sport. So lets just call eating what it is: pigs eating
themselves so full, they need to be helicoptered home.

I had big plans for the 4th of July today, John painted the frames
around the windows the other day and today, I was just going to grab a
chair and sit and stare at them as they dried. Perhaps I would drink
maybe a bottle of water during the drying process, perhaps I wouldn’t
drink anything. Either way, the sitting, the staring and the paint
drying equals fun.

Today was the big 4th of July baseball game. We arrived at the park
right at 12:30 and much to our surprise, Keith was actually the first
person there, which is probably………..no, it IS the first time that
has ever happened. I think he might have just never left since the last
time we played. Anywho, we actually didn’t hit around at all, after
playing catch for a few minutes, we actually got started, because for
the first time in a long time, everybody arrived fairly early on. Of
course, Mark and I were captains and I tried to pick a team with all
the youngest players, thinking that they would be better and also more
in shape to play. This idea worked for Rene’s son Tony, but that was
about it. Speaking of Tony, we had 4 guys named Tony playing today and
they were all left handed, how odd is that? Come to think of it, my
cousin Tony, who did not play, is also left handed, as is former
Detroit Tiger Tony Clark. Hmmmmm. Guess if your name is Tony, you are
left handed. Anywho, our team started off good, scoring 8 runs in the
first inning. I wound up playing 2nd base which I normally don’t do
because I can’t catch. Well, as it turns out, I guess somehow, I
learned to catch. I must have learned in my sleep, because its not like
I have been practicing. It also helps that after 30 years, I’m no
longer afraid of the ball.

One highlight of my day was throwing Mark out at 3rd. He hit a ball
into the outfield and assumed nobody would be able to field it
properly. Well, shortly after Mark passed 2nd, the outfielder got it
back into me as I was standing at 2nd and I made a soft, yet accurate
throw to 3rd to nail Mark.

As for the rest of the game, although we stood ahead of them for a
while, eventually, our defense self destructed and we wound up losing.
Still, I played about as well as I have ever played. I think Rusty is
right, I seem to be getting younger as I get older, its like I have
found some sort of athletic fountain of youth.

After baseball, we went back to my house to bbq and play beanbags.
Keith and I wound up on the same team and for the most part we kicked
ass, losing only one game, which was to Mark and Dave, but we more than
avenged that loss, as we beat them 3 out of 4 games.

We decieded to watch the Romeoville fireworks, so we (me, 3 of my
siblings, Amy, Addison, the Johnsons and the Chvoys) walked down to a
field in the middle of AVM to watch the fireworks. At first, Dave and I
were both disappointed because we weren’t right at the Rec Center,
which is where they would be lit off. But, as we sat down, we were
actually surrounded by fireworks from several subdivisions along with
from some people’s houses. It turns out, it was like non-stop fireworks
from any direction for the better part of 45 minutes. The Romeoville
fireworks were disappointing, but being able to have a buffet of
fireworks more than made up for it. Shit, even back home, people the
next block over were having quite a firework show of their own, good
shit too. Secretly, I was hoping that they would start my garage on
fire. For those of you that don’t know, I have been trying to get
various contractors to give me quotes and replace the siding and
shingles on my garage.

Which begs the question, if you are watching other people’s fireworks,
isn’t that kinda like stealing? I mean, I didn’t pay or contribute to
those fireworks in the least, so what gives me the right to watch them?
In a way, its almost like watching your neighbor’s tv, or even watching
your hot neighbor swim in the their pool. I could go on about this, but
my body is sore and it hurts to think. Happy Independence Day
everybody.

I’m so excited, the Bulls have signed Ben Wallace!!! This instantly
makes them a serious contender. And, the best part about it is that
they take him away from the evil Detroit Pistons. This is such great
news and right in the middle of the Cubs awful season.

So, Jose Canseco is playing minor league baseball. I sincerely hope that
he doesn’t honestly think any team in the majors will sign him. Now, I
don’t have that much of a problem with his making the steroid
accusations public, but he pretty much has an unwritten ban from
baseball because of it. His signing with any team would be an instant
distraction and ruin any chemistry for any team. Doesn’t really matter,
though, so far in 2 at bats he has looked awful striking out.

Not that I was intending on an all sports post, but I got nothing else for now people, have a great holiday.

This weekend was supposed to be a busy weekend, but has not been. My
plans on Friday night were canceled, so I decided to rent a couple of
movies. I finally saw Brokeback Mountain, which I did think was very
good. The movie I was really looking forward to, though, was Syriana
and all I have to say is “huh?” I couldn’t be anymore disappointed, not
only was it a bit confusing, but it really didn’t seem to have much of
a point, which is ok for a simple movie like Clerks, but not for
something more complex. Although, I have to say, the scene in which
George Clooney had his fingernails pulled off was different and
painful.

Yesterday was first the Cubs-Sox game at my house and then the bbq at
Mark’s house. As for the game, it was just John, Keith & Heather
(plus their son, David) and Scooty and Kris. I’m just going to pretend
that the game ended after the 8th inning and end it at that.

After the game, I rode with Keith and Heather over to the bbq. We
stopped off at Dominicks to get some shit, mainly ice cream and Oreos.
Does it get any better than that? While walking in the store, I had my
Cubs jersey on and Heather had her Sox jersey on. A man who did not
have any baseball stuff on to me “you know, the Sox won today” to which
I replied “Really? You know, I hadn’t noticed” and Heather said “yeah,
because the Cubs suck” and I quickly replied “really? Hmmm, I hadn’t
noticed.” Damn fucking Cubs, look what they have made me resort to?
Telling pointless story about how I try to live in denial about my shit
ass baseball team.

The bbq was fun. I really wanted to have a beanbag tournament, but it
never happened, although we did still play. I did all right, but the
highlight game, for me anyways, was a game in which Dave and I were
playing Keith and Heather. We were down at one point 16-7, but managed
to cut it to 18-12. I then got hot and we wound up completing the
comeback, winning 21-19. Now, if only the Cubs could do that.

::sigh:: I’ve got a story that Craig told us last night that I really
want to tell because its funny as hell, but I won’t tell it for his own
sake. Which really sucks, because it was funny as hell.

Almost forgot, was supposed to go to the Taste of Chicago today, but that didn’t happen either. Damn.