All right, this news is too exciting and great not to share, but for
those you that read this that actually know me and my family, please
don’t say anything………at least, not yet.

A couple of weeks ago, I got a phone call from Dave and the conversation went something like this:

Dave: “HE SHOOTS, HE SCORES!!!”
Me: “What? Do you have four of a kind?” (that’s Mike and Dave lingo for somebody is pregnant)
Dave: “Uhhhhh, yeah!!!”
Me: “Who? Is Kelli pregnant?”
Dave: “No”
Me: ” Steve Rice?”
Dave: “No”
Me: “Your brother?”
Dave: “No, not my brother.”
Me: “Holy shit, Mark is going to have another kid!”

Flash foward to tonight. I get home and Mark is there. He has a couple of shots from the ultra sound.
Me: “Oh, cool the ultra sound.”
I have never been too excited about ultra sounds. I can never see shit.
John: “Uh, take another look at it.”
Me: “NO FUCKING WAY, SHE IS HAVING TWINS!!!!!”

I was blown away by this. People always say that twins won’t have
twins, yet my very own twin brother has managed to impregnate his wife
with twins. I couldn’t be anymore excited. I mean, fucking twins. If my
mom were around, she would be sooooo excited. On the other hand, holy
shit, twins………….just how the fuck are they going to afford that?

Anywho, Mark plans to tell all the guys at our guys night on Saturday, so please, keep a lid on it!!!

I have to say, I’m worried about getting older. Oh, sure, there are all
the normal reasons for not wanting to get old, such as looking like
shit, losing hearing and hair and of course, the grim specter of death
smacking me right in the face. But, there is something else to be
worried about. Getting weird. And not just weird, but completely ape
shit fucking odd. Now granted, I do know people that are older then me
and with the exception of my sisters, they seem fairly normal. After
all, my sisters were both odd before they got old (for the record, they
are not really old, only 45 and 42, but for the purposes of this post,
old is to be defined as over 40). Then there is my cousin Sharon, who
has gone from being the normal, sane one in a ridiculously fucked up
family to being nearly as fucked up as the rest, if not worse. Now none
of you know my cousin, so you can’t relate. So, lets look at celebs.
Just look at the list of these people that were not nearly this fucking
out there until they turned 40. Michael Jackson. Tom Cruise. Prince.
Mel Gibson. Bob Dylan. Any member of the Rolling Stones. Madonna.
(please, post comments and say what celebs I might be leaving out, I’m
sure there are a lot more). Sure, they were fucked up previously, but
after turning 40, they have taken it to a whole new (and in Gibson’s
case) anti semetic level. See, this is what I’m concerned about. I’ve
always been………er, a little left of normal, so am I doomed to
becoming really abnormally fucking weird in say, 10 or 15 years?
Especially with the oddness of my sisters, is it in the genes? I mean,
just look at Jackson and Cruise, they are odd beyond repair. There aint
enough pills or surgery in the world to make Jackson normal and Cruise
wouldn’t even take the pills. I had a friend say to me once that when
you are rich and a fucking weirdo, that you are not considered a
weirdo, but instead, you are considered “eccentric”, but if you don’t
have money, you are a fucked up weirdo. So, I guess this means I have
to become filthy rich by the time I’m 40, so that I’m only considered
eccentric, because, that sounds much cooler than fucking weirdo.

So, once again its hurricane season. This, of course, means tons of
radar looks at the formation and movement of hurricanes on the so
called tv news networks. I was taking a piss today when I realized that
peeing in one direction of the toilet kinda looks like a hurricane.
Those of you that are guys, next time you are taking a whiz in the
toilet, keep peeing in one direction and pay attention to the circle of
bubbles that will appear. It starts to circle in one direction, just
like a hurricane. There is always a center of the bubble stream and in
the center is a hole, kinda like the eye of a hurricane. And at the end
of the circle, there is a tail just like the hurricane. And if you are
really going for a long time, which happens A LOT with me (because I go
long stretches without going, you know, kinda like how a camel goes a
long time without water) the circle of piss bubbles will start to fill
in the hole and break up, just like a hurricane does once it gets over
land.

Shit. This is not helping the goal of not being a fucked up weirdo once
I’m 40. In fact, this is actually adding to it. I should just shut up
now. But, I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t keep going.

See, so when you are done, you flush and it all goes bye bye and
replacing it in the toilet is a fresh gallon or 2 of water, kinda like
how the hurricane is replaced by sunny skies. Just try to notice that
the next time you really have to go, you know, like the next time you
are drunk and you are first breaking the seal.

I had my second date with Josh tonight. After a little bit of debate,
we decided to go to a Chinese restaurant for dinner. I swear, I
absolutely suck at remembering the names of restaurants. Sure, I’d like
to think this place had the name Lee somewhere in the name, but I know
that’s not the case, even though every Chinese place seems to have
either Lee or General somewhere in the name. Nevertheless, the place
was very good and reasonably priced as well. I service was good too, the
food didn’t take long at all. And the coolest thing about this place
was that the kitchen faced the dining room and there was a window the
length of the wall which allowed you to see into the kitchen. I thought
that was really cool, although I didn’t need to see that one guy
jerking off in the Won Ton soup.

Anywho, I had a nice time tonight. I’m tired now, so that’s all for this post.

I left out a couple of things about the weekend that I just simply forgot about. My cousin’s wife stole my Kill Bill dvd in a very unique and unusual way. See, she works at the Hollywood Blvd movie theatre in Woodridge. This weekend, they were having a Tarantino film fest and therefore, Michael Madsen and David Carradine were both there. She was working actually directly with both of them. Anywho, her husband asked me if they could borrow my dvd not only to watch, but to have signed by Madsen and Carradine. Well, they unintentionally personalized it to her, therefore making it her’s, after all, it has her name on it. She told me she would buy me a new one, but hey, I just find it a funny way to lose a dvd.

I was thinking, I could have written the account of the family softball game so much better. I mean, after all, this was, for lack of a better term, full contact softball. And to make things even funnier, this was a family game. That’s right, a fucking family game! I could have probably played in a prison softball game and not had as much contact. After John ran me over, I open shouted “What is with this team? Why is everybody running into me!!!” I mean honestly, what the fuck!!! Still, found it funny, its not like any of it was done with malice or intent to hurt, and it John’s case, he never even saw me.

Anywho, I finally have downloaded pics from my vacation, so here are a few pics.

This is where we camped for a night

this is a pic from a place called Garden of the Gods. That is me and my brother in law.

My nieces in a tiny cave at Garden of the Gods

My sister, nieces and I

The railroad that is just a few houses from where my sister’s house is. In fact, my train went right past their house on the way in.

I had a pretty busy weekend. Yesterday was filled with waiting for AC
not to be fixed, but while I was waiting, I was on the phone like I was
a fucking talent agent. See, I’m planning on playing Whirley Ball next
weekend, so I had to book that but also make sure I have enough people.
Last night, I played cards at Scott’s house. I had a rough first game,
in fact, this guy Sean and I were the first 2 people out of the first
game. As the night went on and while waiting for the other game to end,
we had a small $5 game between Sean, Scott and me which I wound up
winning. We then started the next game and lo and behold, Sean and I
were now the last 2 standing, and he wound up beating me. Still, after
paying for dinner and everything, all in all, I wound up being $4 up
for the night.

Today, was our family’s annual family reunion/picnic. For various
reasons, a lot of people were unable to make it. We arrived about
12:30ish. Early on, John and I played a game of touch football with
some of our cousin’s kids, all of whom were around 11 or 12. I was
acting really goofy calling plays in the huddle and when I would get to
the line of scrimmage, I would call out all sorts of different things.
For example, I would shout out car companies, US Presidents, various
state capitals or other random things. Anywho, our team wound up
winning.

After football, we headed over for our annual softball game, which is
always a big thing within our family. We actually had more kids playing
than adults, which is rare for us. We played with a 14 inch ball. 
Anywho, I started the game p pitching. We had a girl who was about, I
don’t know, 9 or 10 catching. Anywho, there was a potential play at the
plate, so I ran down to catch, as the girl……well, she really wasn’t
paying a damn bit of attention. Anywho, one of my cousin’s kids, who
must have been about 13, was rounding 3rd coming into score. I
positioned myself in front of the plate, preparing to take the throw.
Well, he gave me the Aj Pierzynski special, plowing into me before I
even had the ball. He knocked me back a few feet, and I lost my balance
and fell right the fuck over. I saw the ball laying in front of the
plate and got up and said “I DIDN’T HAVE THE BALL, MAN!” ( I didn’t say
bitch, because there were kids there) for those of you that don’t know,
when Sox catcher Pierzynski ran over Cubs catcher Michael Barrett
earlier this season, Barrett said “I DIDN’T HAVE THE BALL, BITCH!”
before sucker punching him. I, however, didn’t retaliate with a punch,
but instead, went back to pitching. Now, I know a 13 year old doesn’t
sound that big, but I’m 5’6 135 lbs and he was about the same height,
125 lbs.

Later on in the game, I was moved to first base. My brother John hit a
line drive to left field which dropped for a hit. I don’t know what the
fuck the leftfielder was thinking, but for some reason, he guns it to
first to try to get John. I was well off the bag at this point, so I
saw the ball coming in and started to run over to first, my eye on the
ball the whole time. I didn’t quite have a good idea of where first
base was, and because I was focused on the ball, never saw John, who
was running at full speed. I never saw him, instead just felt him run
into me, hear everybody gasp, me leave my feet and land on the ground.
I quickly jumped up and looked for the ball, but somebody else had
grabbed it. The pitcher asked if I was ok, and answered yes. That was a
half truth. Sure, I wasn’t bleeding or had anything broken, but to be
honest, my entire left side was sore. I’m sure that I left my feet when
I was hit, which was confirmed by a couple of other people. When I
think about it, this had to be one of the harder hits I have taken, I
can only remember a couple of harder hits when I used to play football
with my friends in high school. Right now, my whole left side is sore
and I have a slight headache. I’m thinking I’m really going to feel
this tomorrow morning, in addition to the normal soreness I have after
playing sports.

After softball, we played some beanbags and whatnot. We headed home about 6:30 or so.

That’s all for now, people, I’ve got shit to do.

I’m in a fantasy football league with some people from work. Yesterday,
I get home to find an email from another guy in the league which 
was……….well, it was an interesting choice of words, to say the
least. And even more interesting when those words are put back to back
to combine a sentence. Now, keep in mind, this is not a league full of
gay guys. As far as I know, nobody in this league is gay (well, except
for the obvious). This guy that posted this message on the league’s
message board was the same guy that beat me out for that other position
at work. The title of his message was “I love balls”. Here is the
message to every other team in the league:

The content below is a topic from the league forum.

From owner of team StangBangers in league World Series of Football

Topic:
I love balls

---

 Posted by: Steve   Posted on: Today, 7:42p ET

i can’t wait to suck you all off this year!!!!

End of the post. Now, keep in mind, that as far as I know, this guy is
married. If this is his way of talking trash, I’d hate to see what he
will say if he loses. I mean, what the fuck? What does this mean. I
don’t even know what to make of this. Obviously, I’m not offended, but
I just find it odd, especially coming from a guy that is supposed to be
straight.

I was talking to somebody on the phone today that spoke broken English.
It got me to to thinking, when these people read English, does the
voice in their head that reads speak broken English too? It would stand
to reason, wouldn’t it? And what if they speak other languages, is the
internal voice in their original language or the language they are
reading? I mean, what if it is a clear, non accent voice, do they have
trouble understanding that voice just like they have trouble
understanding people with perfect English? Its crazy, I don’t know how
those fuckers that speak more than one language do it. If I spoke more
than one language, I think I would switch things up in mid sentence and
start in one language and finish in another, you know, just to see if I
can confuse myself. What a trip.

I think I’m going to start playing with toys again. As a kid, when you
are bored, you can just start playing with your toys, like GI Joes,
Star Wars action figures, Matchbox cars or Legos (ok, and Barbies for
girls) and BOOM you all of a sudden have something to do and aren’t
bored. As an adult, I find myself being bored more and more often. And
since I can only do certain things for so long before my hand gets
tired. So, after those 58 seconds are done, I then have lots of time on
my hands. And why not fill that void with things like matchboxes,
little mini versions of cars I could never even dream of owning. Plus,
its cars that I don’t have to fill up. And than there are your GI Joes,
its the closest thing a gay guy could ever get to the military. And if
you combine those with the Star Wars figures, you can have yourself
your own personal Abu Grab (spelling please). As for Barbie, well, she
is at least as smart as this one blond girl I used to work with. See,
so when you think about it, toys probably aren’t that far from reality.
I mean, I have a Bart Simpson doll that speaks way better than George
Bush ever could dream of speaking.

Tonight we played darts and of the first 3 games, Randy, Keith and I
each won one. Scooty was, well, Scooty, he could barely reach the damn
dart board. Anywho, after the 3rd game, I put 4 quarters in not knowing
that Scooty would be leaving. So, for the 4th player, the remaining 3
of us just took turns throwing (each round, we would each throw one
dart for the 4th player). This would be the big tiebreaker game,
whoever won this game would have won the most games for the night. I
finished with 755 points, which is a new all time high score for all of
us. I don’t know, things were just coming easy for me that game, I kept
hitting bulls eye after bulls eye. For some reason, I have been doing
very good at darts lately. Don’t tell anybody, but I’ve been on
steroids and it looks like they are finally paying off. Now, if you’ll
excuse me, I have to go shave the bottom of my feet and also try to get my testicles to descend again.

Just a quick post to say that I think I need another vacation. I never
should have gone to see my Denver sister, on the account that my other
sister drives me nuts. See, both sisters are………well, to be
honest, annoying. And, therefore, it wasn’t much of a vacation getting
away from one annoying sister to see another annoying sister. Needless
to say, Illinois sister is driving me even more nuts. See, I need
another vacation. One that involves casinos. Maybe that was the
problem, this vacation didn’t involve a casino.

All right people, I’m getting close to giving in. I might become one of
them. A cell phone person. Friday, I drove almost an hour and a half in
traffic all the way downtown to meet somebody. Turns out, he couldn’t
make it, but did email me. If I had a cell phone, he could have called
and it would have saved me the gas and miles on the car, along with the
$14 I had to pay for what amounted to about 40 minutes of parking.
Things could have been so much easier if I just had a cell phone. Its
not that I can’t afford one, I can, but I just choose not to have one.
For starters, I’ve never been one to give into fads (I’m well aware I’m
saying this as I write in one of the more popular fads, blogs, but what
the fuck, whatever). Also, I don’t want to become one of them cell
phone people that spend way too much time on a cell phone. Up until the
other night, I just didn’t think I needed one, but yet, now, the more I
think about it, the more I’m thinking I might need one. I’d hate to
leave Randy as the only one in our group of friends without a cell
phone, but I just might have to. Than again, he of all people should
have a cell phone, what with his truck one small pot hole away from
crumbling into a heap of metal.

Is anybody else hooked on this song, Crazy, by Gnarls Barkley? They
performed it on Letterman last night. This song is everywhere,
including my head for portions of the day. Now I wonder if the band
Nychael Jordan is going to put out a song called “Insane”, you know,
sorta to capitalize on partially stealing the name of a basketball
legend?

Speaking of which, it should be mentioned that the guy that was suing
Michael Jordan for looking like him has dropped his lawsuit. Turns out,
he saw what he looked like.

Is it just me or does the general idea of Snakes On A Plane sound
really really stupid? And I’ll tell you what, the previews and trailers
to the movie don’t look all that good either. Of course, it has been
getting a lot of internet buzz, so its probably going to be a big hit.
I just have no interest in it, it does, however, seem like a good Randy
movie.

Damn, I got 2 unprovoked jabs at Randy in this post. Now, why would I
do that, he doesn’t deserve it? Shit, I should make fun Scooty, he
deserves it more than anybody. Oh well. I guess I will just have to buy
Randy a shot to make up for it.