Damn, sometimes Letterman is so funny. Check out this Top 10 list from the other night. I guess there is a new gay tv network that is set to launch.
Top Ten Shows On The New Gay Television Channel
10. “How I Met Your Brother”
9. “Gary’s Anatomy”
8. “Desperate Poolboys”
7. “Everybody Loves Raymond…Especially Steve”
6. “The King Of Queens”
5. “Not-So-Smallville”
4. “I Dream Of Gene”
3. “Gays Of Our Lives”
2. “My Name Is Earl And I Like Construction Workers”
1. “His Deal Or No Deal”
Well, the man is saying that we are going to get like a gazillion inches of snow. This brought up memories of being in school and the snow rumors. See, it starts off when you first get to school, somebody says that there is a chance of snow. A couple of periods later, they say a inch of snow. An hour later, they are saying 6 inches of snow. After lunch, you hear that its going to be a foot of snow. On the bus ride home, they are saying we are going to have so much snow, we won’t have school the next day. Everybody is excited. You stay up late because you know you won’t have school the next day. You wake up the next morning, all excited and happy because you won’t be going to school. You look outside excited to see the foot and a half of snow that has piled up over night. The only problem is that when you open the curtains, all you see is sunshine and grass. See, this is what I’m faced with today. This is exactly how it went down today at work. By the end of the day, my boss was getting my phone number in case she has to call to tell me not to come in. And even though it is sleeting out right now and yes, it does look like we are headed for a massive snow storm (at least, judging by the radar), I know that I will probably wake up to nothing more than a dusting of snow. Ok, maybe an inch or two. But, more than likely nothing in the way of the 18 inches they are calling for. In fact, I even bet a girl at work lunch about the snow accumulation. I say 0-4 inches, she says 7-10. I might be in trouble on this one, because the bet is total number of inches at O’Hare by midnight tomorrow (Friday night, early Saturday morning).
The thing that cracks me up so much is the media reaction to snow, you know, like we never have had it before. Not only is it the lead story on the news, but they really find every way humanly possible to sensationalize it. They come up with big news style terms to describe it, such as THE STORM OF THE CENTURY or SO MUCH SNOW THAT IF IT WERE COCAINE, WE COULD USE IT TO FINANCE THE IRAQ WAR AND THE COMPLETE REBUILDING OF IRAQ. Then they have fancy new graphics and equipment, such as the camera that follows each and every snowflake down to the ground. And they are all on the story first. Ok, just how the hell can somebody be first on the story of the STORM OF THE CENTURY. What, do they have reporters and look outs scattered across the city just watching and waiting for the first flake to fall so that they can interrupt their current program so that they can go live to cover the first flake (with the all new FLAKE CAM, by the way) as it settles onto the ground? And then there is the measurements from all over the city and suburbs, with all sorts of wild amounts. In the norhern burbs, you 16 inches fell, in downtown, it was only 8, in the south burbs, it was 3 inches, right off the lake it was 4 1/2 feet, and in the western burbs, there is an ozone action day in effect, as temps are expected to approach 100 degrees. And of course, they follow the plows around, clogging the streets. And now only do they follow them around, but they stop them and interview them. They start of by saying things like “these drivers have been driving all night, many of them with very little sleep and nothing to eat.” Ok, that’s VERY reassuring, a bunch of hungry, tired and crabby guys driving around plowing the streets. I’m sure that you, the reporter is at the top of their list with things they need to do today. It goes something like this:
1. Talk to reporters
2. Plow and salt streets
3. Snack on coffee and donuts
4. Maybe catch a nap if I have time.
I mean, there is helping and not helping, and your talking to them is not helping keep the roads clear. In fact, here is a novel idea, instead of pulling them off the road to talk to you, why don’t you pick up a fucking shovel and start clearing some of the sidewalks for the morning rush hour? Call me old school, but I’m sorry, its not news when it snows in December. Now if it was snowing like this in July, then you would have something. But please, don’t cut into prime time tv or spend 25 minutes of a 35 minute newcast talking about how snowed. We know it snowed, we just spent 3 hours driving home only to have to spend another 2 hours outside shoveling it. If we don’t know by now that there was a damn snow storm, then we are probably so out of touch with reality that we are probably preparing to mow our lawns.
I want somebody to take a goofy approach to the news and snow. For example, instead of inches, we are going to start measuring snow in penis lengths. For example, when we get a half an inch, we just got a baby penis amount of snow. When its 4 inches, its now Sweedish penis amount of snow. When its 6 inches, its Russian penis amount of snow. When its 8 inches, thats a Polish Sausage amount. 10 inches, is a Black penis amount of snow. And everytime they talk about snow plows going by, they have to say it in a s very erotic and orgasmic way, such as “OHHHH, look at that truck just PLOOOOWWWW through that soft and wet snow.” When somebody has a heart attack from shoveling, they should mention how “he was working it so hard, that he had a heart attack.” And if we are getting more than one round of snow, we shall talk about how nature just needed some “recovery time” before it came back for more. See, snow storms are so sexual as it is. I mean, how often do you hear the newperson refer to snow as “the white stuff.” Ok, nobody ever calls anything the white stuff unless they are talking about jizz. You don’t hear Taco Bell employees call sour cream “the white stuff”. And how about when you get done shoveling and there is a slushy portion left? We will call that the wet spot! And when you finally come in from shoveling, you are sweaty, worn out and ready to pass out. And on the news, when the newsperson is out in the cold reporting it, they have on those hats that kinda look like condoms. See, they need to really play up to that sort of thing, you know, maybe wear a hat with Trojan on it. You know, just totally sexualize the snow storm. See, now that is entertaining news!
