On Tuesday night’s Daily Show, they had an astrophysicist talking all about black holes and what it is and what would happen if a human body would pass through one. First, your body would start to stretch, which he said would feel good for a little bit. Then, the body splits into 2. Those 2 pieces split into 2 and you guessed what happens next, they just keep splitting. I know this sounds awful, and I would imagine it is. But, should I be lucky to live to be 75, I think I want to celebrate my 75th birthday by going through a blackhole. That would be an interesting, if not different,way to go. Now I know I have written about wanting to spontaneously combust, and that is still a goal, but lets face it, a lot has to go right (or wrong, depending on how you look at it) for that to happen. It just isn’t very likely. But the blackhole death, now that is the way to go. By the way, Blackhole Death, what a band they were. They are legends, of course you have never heard of them because I just made them up. Anywho, I digress. If you think about it, the blackhole death is the most environmentally sound way to go. You leave nothing behind. There is no burial, so you aren’t taking up precious land space. You aren’t cremated, so there is no burning and smoke to pollute the air. Also, there are other advantages. With a burial, you have to be worried about floods bringing your casket and body up for everyone to see. Also, because you have left behind a body, that gives people a chance to have disgusting necroplhia sex with your body by people such as my cousin, (faithful readers will remember him as the guy that was prank calling) who is probably loser enough to do such a thing. And if you are cremated, your next of kin has the responsibility of disposing of your ashes where you want or carrying your ashes around, such as when they move, they have to take you with them and hope that you don’t get lost in the move or that the movers don’t steal or try snorting you. With the blackhole death, its just a piece by piece breakdown until you are no more. Plus, they say eventually, perhaps next week, next year, or in about 50 million years, the earth will be swallowed by a blackhole, hence the remaining people that the Bush administration hasn’t killed will just have a blackhole death anyway. You can be the trendsetter and can say that you started the now hip and trendy blackhole death. And should your pieces come out a reverse blackhole and you have a blackhole birth, you can be sitting there waiting for everybody else to come through. Imagine, you would have a complete headstart on the new post life after blackhole death. You would essentially know everything and people would worship you because you are all knowing, kinda like Yoda or The Fonz. You would be king…………..no, Lord of the new post blackhole world. What you would say goes. Wait, I’m doing this all wrong. Go back and replace all of the yous with me, since I’m going to be the one to start the whole blackhole death revolution. As your new post blackhole Lord and master, I command you to read this from the beginning and replace all of the yous with me. Shit, its too much work to do myself, after all, its going to take a shitload of time to figure out how the hell I’m going to make it into space when I’m 75.

Some of you might have seen this clip before,but I’m going to post it again anyway because its just too damn funny. Its the Price is Right hyper gay dude. Go watch it real quick

http://youtube.com/watch?v=TBTw3MuptoI

Ok, this guy has to be more than just gay. I mean, obviously, he is gay. but that can’t be enough. He has to be hopped up on something, some sort of drug. Maybe cocaine or speed or Smarties (that’s right, the candy). I’m a pretty damn hyper guy myself, but that guy puts me to complete and utter hyper shame. I think Bob Barker earned his money on that one because how he doesn’t say something crazy or trip the dude, I don’t know. Its almost like something you would see on Saturday Night Live. I don’t know how he could face his family, friends and co workers after that. And to think, Steve Bartman went into hiding after his foul ball mishap (THE CUBS LOSING WAS NOT HIS FAULT AT ALL!!! HONESTLY!!!), but at least he didn’t humiliate himself by making a complete ass of himself. I think they should have given him the whole Barbaro treatment and put him down after the show. Ok, that was an unfair shot at Barbaro, and only days after he was euthenized. In case you didn’t know from reading, sometimes, I’m kind of a dick.

We got on a conversation today at work about something that i have always said: retirement is wasted on the elderly. Think about it. When people are young, they are vibrant and full of energy and ready to party and go anywhere and waste tons of money. Elderly people, well they are old and cantankerous and chronically tired. So I say, why wait until you are old to retire. People should retire when they are young, you know in their early 20s and as they get older, start to work more. After all, young people are not very responsible and most of them have a crappy work ethic. Older people, well, they take pride in their work and are always the ones that get shit on by the younger generations. Sure, some old people travel when they get older, but most of them just sit around waiting to die. They watch pure shit like Wheel of Fortune, Matlock, The Golden Girls and Murder She Wrote. Honestly, if you told me that was what I had to look forward to when I get older, I would kill myself before Pat Sajack becomes the highlight of my day. Also, older people are always in bed early and up at like 5 or 6 am. My thinking is that the only real reason to be up that early everyday (and stay up, this isn’t like the mom that gets the kids off to school and wisely goes back to bed) is for work. Younger people, they stay up late and struggle to get up in the morning. Young people are always on the go and are impossible to keep in one place. See, this is how retirement should be, you should be going out seeing the world and doing things, instead of getting up at 5AM so that you can be sure to catch Good Morning America. And while they are sitting at home wasting away, they are usually crabby and bitching about something, usually younger people. Why not just transfer all that negative energy to the workplace, where they can point out the flaws of a business, making it better for everybody. After all, the young people don’t give a frozen rat’s ass about the company. They would not bother to complain, but instead just slack off and do things real half-assed. You want good, quality work, you need to rely on old people with real values and pride in a job well done. When you are young you can go on that road trip and drive 12 hours, party, sleep for 4 hours and back on the road the next day to do it all over again. Old people drive for 5 hours, stop for the early bird dinner and get a hotel so they can see that bitch Angela Lansbury (who my brother John secretly always wanted to nail) butt into some crime that was none of her damn business to begin with. That’s a hellva lot of time that could be spent traveling and experiencing the world. Things the younger generation love to do. Why go through retirement with health issues and having to go to doctors and deal with all that bullshit. Its hard to see the world if you gotta be back every month so they can check your white blood cell count or go on a dialysis machine. And why waste all that extra time with doctor appointments and driving 5 miles under with your left turn signal on for 75 miles? I don’t know about you, but that doesn’t exactly sound like retirement fun to me. I say nothing says retirement like being able to party until your pants come off. Take it from me, I know. I didn’t spend 2 1/2 years unemployed watching Diagnosis Murder, I can tell you that much!

Friday night, I played cards at Scott’s house. I swear Scott is soooo fucking gay. I don’t even know how we got on the topic, but all of a sudden, he said something like “Lets see, if I had to date one of the guys at this table, I don’t know who it would be.” I responded by saying “If I had to date one of the guys at this table, you would without a doubt be the last one.”  He said “Oh, come on, I’m completely domesticated.” He made a couple of other comments throughout the night that I can’t remember. What was even crazier was that once his wife got home, he repeated the thing about dating a guy at the table. She asked him “why would you say something like that?” Scott totally fits the closeted gay homophobe Christian Republican to a fucking tee. I think if he were ever alone with me, he would hit on me, because he suspects that I’m gay. The thing is, I’m not attracted to him in the least. Also, he is married, so even if I were attracted to him, I would never do anything. Still, it might be 5 or 10 years from now, but its only a matter of time before he comes out.

Today was the surprise baby shower for Scooty. About 3 or 4 months ago, we had an idea to throw a baby shower for Scooty instead of for his wife, since she has 4 other kids. Anywho, we decided on a football/Bears theme, which really was made a lot better by the Bears making it to the Super Bowl. Anywho, I was in charge of bringing the nachos. I went all out, I wanted to have the best nachos possible. This meant that I had to totally overdo things. I totally pulled a Dave and bought way more than we needed. For example, I bought 10lbs of Velvetta cheese, 3lbs of sour cream and 3lbs of blue tortilla chips. I bought blue because they were supposed to be the Bears colors. They didn’t really look too blue, though. Come to think of it, they didn’t look very appetizing at all. Anywho, we arrived at Todd and Pam’s  pretty much right at 3, which is when we were supposed to arrive, Scooty was going to be getting there at 4 in the pm. I was shocked that everybody was there before 4. We tried to burn a copy of the the Bears fight song to play as he walked in, but we had some issues and it didn’t happen. Instead, we were playing a Super Bowl 20 video (for those that don’t know, that was the Super Bowl the Bears won) that was On Demand. Scooty and his clan arrived right after 4 and as he told me later, at first he had no idea what was going on. We had Bears balloons and orange and blue streamers and balloons and only one sign that read baby shower, which he didn’t see right away. He said at first, he thought he had missed a week and it was already the Super Bowl. What was funny was that we made sure that he had a beer in his hand within minutes of him walking through the door.

The food was pretty good, but nobody wants to hear about food. Being a baby shower, we had to play some games. Now, there were only 6 guys there that are not father’s, me, John, Randy, Jt, Scooty and Jeff. The game was we had to dress a baby doll, complete with putting on a diaper. We decided to go in pairs. First, Jt and Scooty went. My money was on Jt since he has had a lot of experience with his sister’s kid. Turns out, Scooty wound up winning, having the doll dressed in I think under 2 minutes. Next was me and Randy. I knew this would be the pair that would be the most………….challenged. I was trying to think of ways to cheat and win, not really so that I would win, but just because it would be funny. Heather told us to go we were off. We each kneeled in front the our dolls on the coffee table. I quickly shoved Randy’s doll and doll toys off the table and went to work on mine. As soon as I did that, Julie said she was DCFS and took my doll away from me! She did give it back to me a few seconds later, though. Turns out, putting a diaper on is much harder than I ever thought. At first, I put it on without fastening the diaper. I started to put the one piece outfit on when I was told to actually put the diaper on. I quickly taped it……….ok, I won’t like, nothing about this whole process was quick. When I finally managed to get it taped, Mark said I had it on backwards. I took it off and put it the opposite way. Everybody else told me that now I had it on backward. Fucking Mark. Meanwhile, Randy was struggling as well. I already had the diaper taped, so I just pulled the diaper down turned it around and tried to pull it back up. This was proving to be much more difficult than you could ever imagine. I was having………..er………….an issue getting it around the leg. I opened the diaper completely up and started to put it on like normal. Although people at the party might dispute the next thing that happened, but I had an idea. I thought it would be funny if I pulled the doll’s leg off while putting on the diaper. So, I spread the leg as far as I could and much to my surprise, it actually came off!! Everybody started laughing really hard. I was laughing so hard that I was in tears. I struggled trying to get the damn leg back on, but it just wouldn’t go. So, I looked at Randy, who by the way, had made very little progress, and I took his clothes and doll and threw it on the floor again. I continued struggling in vain to get the damn leg back on. Finally Christie, perhaps disgusted as  to how pathetic I looked, took the doll and got the leg back on. I started to put the diaper back on but was having trouble fastening it. In fact, I accidently tore the damn fastening thing completely off. They quickly gave me another diaper and I continued on my way. Everybody was saying that it was pretty much over, Randy was going to win, as I struggled to put the onesie on when Jt said “actually, Mike may still have a chance.” I look over and inspite of all my issues, Randy still was not that far ahead of me. I managed to get the onesie on when Randy finally finished, a mere 5 minutes and 40 seconds after we had started. Next, John and Jeff went and I think it took them about 3 minutes to finish, both right about the same time. We had to go to the video to see who one and upon further review, the judges determined John was the winner. In the final round, Randy, Scooty and John each had to change a dirty diaper without getting the doll’s clothes dirty. The diapers were filled with refried beans and look very unappealing. The funny part is that when the refried beans were not in the diaper, they looked and tasted fine. Anywho, this part of the contest as amusing as well, as John managed to get some of the “shit” all up the doll’s leg and waste. Scooty actually wound up winning, proving that he is probably ready to be a dad.

Our friend Julie, who is living on a New Mexico Air Force base while her husband fights in Iraq, was actually up for the shower. Well, she didn’t come back only for the shower, but she was back for other reasons and was able to attend. She told us that she is going to be moving to Louisville in April while Tom is in Iraq. I told everybody that we should all take a trip down there while she is living there, it would only be about a 6 hour drive. We are thinking about going in August some time. I’m going to try to talk everybody into going via train, but I don’t know if that is going to be the best option for everybody.

Ok, this might seem a little gross to you, but I’m going to post about it anyways. Back on New Year’s day, Scooty power washed my ears because I was having issues hearing. Ever since then, I have not been able to hear out of my left ear. Ok, I could hear, but it was muffled because of the remaining wax and the water that was completely covering the ear drum. Anywho, today I had an appointment with my doctor, I was thinking that he would need to give me a referral to an ear, nose and throat doctor. So, I took a half day at work for my 1:30 appointment. As many of you know, I’m chronically prompt and this was no exception. I arrived at 1:15 which gave me some time to enjoy the waiting room. I passed the time by sniffing the back rests of every char in the building. One of the chairs kinda smelled like tacos. Finally, they called me into the room about 1:35ish. The  nurse brought me into room and checked my blood pressure. Turns out, I have the blood pressure of a corpse. Good for me! Soon she left the room and told me the doctor would be coming in shortly. This again, left me with time to myself, which is sometimes not a good thing. See, as you probably already know, I’ve got an overactive imagination. My mind started to wander. Perhaps I could be doing something crazy when the doctor walked into the room. Wouldn’t it be awkward if he walked in and caught me masterbating? Or, maybe I should vandalize the room, you know, write something on the walls. Something totally crazy, like “DELTA BURKE DOESN’T SHAVE HER ARMPITS.”Or maybe I will rummage the room for any  loose medication and take it all just to see what kind of effect it would have. Or, I could wait for him to walk in and throw my shoes directly at his face. I thought these were all wonderful ideas that might come with the added bonus of my own prosecution. I decided to do a combination of all of the above!!

Anywho, the doctor walks in and I start telling him my story. You know, how I had ear sex and now I can’t hear. Ok, I guess I should give credit where credit is due, the ear sex idea was something I saw on Family Guy. Anywho, the doc took a look inside my ears and offered to have his nurse power wash my left ear. What was really funny was that as he was leaving the room, he kept telling me to stay there and not go anywhere. Where the fuck was I going to go, they hadn’t done anything for me yet. Its not like I was going to go and have sex with one of the nurses in a broom closet. Then again, maybe he had some other patients that just up and left without saying anything. Perhaps he left the room and they went out the window. Anywho, after a few minutes, the nurse came in with some sort of contraption that she hooked up to the sink. This was totally different than what Scooty had done, he used some gun type thing. The put the thing into my ear and starting spraying a mass amount of water into my ear. It was weird, it both tickled and hurt at the same time. Also, I could even feel it in my eye. She pulled it out (how many of you have ever had a lady pull something out of you after squirting inside you? Maybe this was ear sex!) and showed me some big chunks of wax. I still couldn’t hear just yet, so she put it back in and kept going. After about 30 seconds more, she pulled out and BOOM! I was able to hear!!! It was amazing. At first, I was a little dizzy, but I felt really good. She left the room and the doctor game in. He took a look at my ears and said they looked fantastic, although he was surprised to find out that Delta Burke doesn’t shave her arm pits. I asked him if the nurse could do my other ear. Again, as he left the room he told me not to go anywhere. I was starting to get the feeling that he was either going to have me whacked or throw a surprise party for me. She came back in and finished off my other ear. I felt fantastic, very satisfied and seemed to have an extra bounce in my step. Hmmmmm…………..maybe I did have sex in there.

Since the playoffs started, I have been growing a playoff beard, meaning I have not shaved since the playoffs started and will not shave until the Bears are either eliminated or win the Super Bowl. Well NBC has reviewed things and since they now officially are responsible for making sure things are catorgorized correctly, they have said that it is no longer a playoff beard. Since the next round is the Super Bowl, that means that technically, its no longer the playoffs. So by definition, I am no longer growing a playoff beard, but instead now have a Super Bowl Beard. NBC wants to remind people that moving forward, they will only be referring to it as a Super Bowl Beard.

I know most of you probably don’t get that joke, so I will explain it. Recently, NBC made a big deal about how from now on, they are officially going to be referring to Iraq as being in a civil war. They made it seem like they were the end all for what is going on in Iraq. It was really quite stupid.

Well, that’s it people, I’m moving to Texas! Recently, my work took a picture of everybody in my sub department and sent it to a bunch of our agents that we work with. A couple of them have told my co workers that I was “cute” and “hot. ” Well, if I’m what they consider hot, than they must have a low standard of what hot is. Think about it, if I move down there, I will be a “hotness” God. After all, just look at me for shit’s sake.

If they find that hot, than reaching “Hot God” status won’t be too difficult at all. Then again, What do these people that find me hot look like? Maybe they find me hot because they are all so ugly. If that is the case, than it would be pretty slim pickins down there; there would not be much to choose from at all. Anyway, I could never live in Texas, too many damn Republicans.

Speaking of Republicans from Texas, Bush gave his State of the Union Address tonight. I realized now another reason to be grateful that the Dems took control of the House. We didn’t have to stare at Denny Hastert behind Bush for an hour. Granted, Nancy Pelosi is not exactly a looker, she kinda looks like a teenaged Skelator, but she way more pleasing to the eye compared to Hastert. I have never seen such an offensive sight. The man is so fat and ugly, that he would be denied entrance into a dark room, because you can actually feel just how ugly he is.

Oh, by the way, for those of you that haven’t seen many pics of me, I swear, I’m not that funny looking, I just took the goofyest pictures I could find of me and posted them.

Check out this story:

I didn’t even mention what we did yesterday. Dave and Kelli, Mark, Mason, and Scooty and his whole clan came over to watch the game. Before it started, we noticed that Austin Powers was on, so we all decided that we would rather watch that instead of the game. Unfortunately, Heather kept calling and interrupting us watching the movie by talking about how the game was going. We also had so much food left over from Natalie’s birthday party. Everybody that was there at some of the food, but we still had a ton left over. So, we sent a lot home with Dave. We had to fight Dave to take home the giant jar of pickles. He tried leaving it here, but I snuck it into the trunk of his car before he left. As he was leaving, he told me he took a shit in my toilet and didn’t flush. I walked into the bathroom to find that in perfect Dave fashion, he put one of the pickles in the toilet! It doesn’t sound as nasty as it was, there was no piss or shit in the toilet. It was pretty funny though. And, you would be surprised, the pickle didn’t taste all that bad after soaking in the toilet for 10 minutes. I forget, I shouldn’t make jokes like that, people that don’t know me would think I actually ate it.

I always thought the whole world hated us because of Bush, but I guess that aint always true. Turns out, a wise man in Australia wore a shirt on a plan that labeled Bush as a terroist. They would not let him board the plane because it was an “offensive t-shirt that could have upset other passengers”. That is totally fucking stupid and really makes me appreciate the freedoms we have here in America. I have several anti-Bush shirts, all of them with curse words and have yet to be kicked out of anywhere for wearing it. Sure, I might get some dirty looks here and there, but nobody has ever said a thing about it. Ok, some people have said they like it and asked where they can get one, but I have yet to hear anything negative.

I saw a video last night on YouTube. I will post the link real quick so that you can watch it before I talk about it:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o8Esg_9QlOA&eurl

This video really put me in a somber mood and almost brought me to tears. For those of you that didn’t watch it, the video tells the story of gay/lesbian/transgendered people that were murdered for being what they are. It is so troubling that things like that still happen everywhere in the world, even America, where we are supposed to be tolerant and accepting of everybody. Why can’t everybody just follow a simple rule of minding their own business and letting people live their lives, what ever somebody does, as long as it doesn’t hurt somebody else, than live and let die. How can somebody have that much hate in their heart, to commit a murder based on what somebody is, especially when that does not affect anybody else. Its not just sad, but it is also appalling. I know this video might be tough to watch for some people, but I feel that people need to see it. They need to know what others go through. Even if the people watching the video are heterosexual or don’t even know any gays, they still need to see it because this is a humanity issue. This is something that SHOULD upset people, because even if it doesn’t affect you or somebody you know, these are still human beings that are being senselessly murdered in the name of cold blooded hate. And to make things even worse, our Congress could still not pass a hate law bill to help protect gays from such crimes. If killing a black person just because they are black is a hate crime, than surely killing somebody just because they are gay is a hate crime as well.

This video also bothers me because I am not your typical gay guy. Because I’m not flamboyant in the least and not even out to everybody, I don’t experience what other gays experience. I have never been called a faggot or gotten beat up or been threaten because I’m gay. I have never been chased or had anti gay slurs yelled at me as I walked down the street. I know that I should consider myself lucky and believe me, I do. But, I also feel like I can not relate to other gays or be able to be on the same level with them because I personally have not had to go through the same hell that they went through.

Still, this issue is not about me. Its about how poorly gays are still treated by ignorant and hate people. Sure, there has never been a better time to be gay; gays are more accepted now then at any other time. But, to quote an old cliche, we still have a long way to go, especially when people are being murdered because of who they are. I haven’t even mentioned the protesting of gays, the denying of rights and the disowning of gays by family and friends. There are still parts of the world in which being gay can get you hanged, as was the case for 2 teens that were hung for getting caught having sex with each other. Sure, America is not that extreme, but we also aren’t as accepting and liberal as say, England, where gay marriage is legal. Which is why we need to continue moving forward in gays being more accepted and gay hate crimes not being tolerated in the least. People need to see this video so that gays will be seen as humans just like everybody else who don’t deserve such treatment. I feel the more people see the video, the more accepting they will be of gays. Sure, some people will never be accepting, but those people are almost a lost cause. Anywho, that’s all for now. Peace.

We have had to put up with a hell of a lot of bad football over the years to finally be rewarded with a team in the Super Bowl! Even though I don’t think the Bears are going to win 2 weeks from tonight in Miami, I still can not be any more excited. We have seen a lot of bad players in Chicago to get to this point. Here are some names that only the die hards will remember.There was Peter Tom Willis. Wendell Davis and Ron Morris. Rashan Salam. Rick Mirer. Curtis Enis. Alonzo Spellman. Carlos Huerta. Cade McNown. See, this is why it is much more gratifying for me and people like Keith, Heather, and John and Mark. Ok, and maybe even Scooty. We put in lots of time and never gave up hope. We never left the Bears wagon. I’m proud to say that I have been there through it all, lots of endless Sundays watching the Bears and it has finally paid off. Sure, I was around when they won in on Jan 26, 1986 and I remember it too. But, I was only 10, so I really didn’t have a full appreciation for what they had accomplished. But now, this is different. Throughout this season, I have seen more and more people paying attention to the Bears and wearing more Bears stuff. Most of them are probably bandwagon jumpers. I just can never see how this can mean nearly as much to them as it does to us. To them, this is something that comes and goes. Once its all over and the Bears are bad again in a few years, as happens to all teams, those people won’t be around. But us, we will always be there, very loyal and always supporting our team. On Sundays, our church is the Bears game, win or lose. And although I’m thrilled for the Bears, the fans and myself and all my friends, by far the biggest Bears fan I know is Keith and most of all, I’m glad for him that they have made it this far. I hope that will reward all of us with a great and complete effort, if not a Super Bowl win.

I’m happy for Rex Grossman, he put up with a lot of abuse from those shit ass Bears fans (don’t you like how I praise the fans in the previous paragraph and then rip them now?). Sure, they were cheering the hell out of him at the end of today’s game, but where were they when he needed them most, when he was down and out. They booed the hell out of him in the pre season for shit’s sake. When things when bad during the season, the booed him and called into talk radio and wrote into papers saying how awful he was and how he needed to be replaced. Sure, he was awful in some games. But, that doesn’t mean losers like Jay Mariotti of the Sun-Times need to dedicate article after article as to how bad he is and how he can’t be trusted. It was ri-damn-diculous. But, kudos to not only his teammates for never giving up on him, but also to Bears coach Lovie Smith. I think it would be awesome for the Bears to win the whole damn thing just so that Rex can shove it down those fuckers that have been bagging on him since August.

Wow, I can’t believe that I went this long without updating. But, I have had a busy few days, working overtime and whatnot. Friday night, I watched a movie that was given to me by a guy I play cards with. Ok, I don’t think he actually gave it to me, I mean, I probably have to give it back. Anywho, it was called Loose Change, perhaps you have heard of it, it has received 10 million hits on the internet. It is a very controversial movie about 9/11 and how it was “an inside job”. In other words, they say in the movie that Bin Laden was not behind 9/11, but instead a government conspiracy and cover up so that people can make hundreds of millions of dollars. Now those of you that are faithful readers know that I’m about as loyal and passionate Bush hater as they come. But, even I find it hard to believe that Bush was involved in a 9/11 plot. I mean, after all, he is not nearly savvy enough to hatch such an evil scheme. Plus, when he found out about the attacks, he sat there frozen like a deer in headlights without a clue as what to do. The movie does raise a lot of questions and makes a lot of points, and yes, it does make me question things. For example, one thing I have always thought was odd was that the buildings seemed to come down a lot quicker than they should have, I mean, the planes were only in the buildings for a little more then an hour. But, even so, what they suggest in this film is that lots of people…………perhaps thousands, would have to be involved in this cover up. And, even with the promise of millions of dollars or the threat of death, that many people can not be silenced for this long. Case in point, they go onto say that United flight 93 did not crash in Pennsylvania. The claim that it landed safely at the Cleveland airport. Ok, if this happened, that means they would have had to fake the deaths of more than 200 people, that is a daunting task even for the United States. If you think about it, planning a terrorist attack on this level would be tough enough for Bin Laden and Al Quada and then to carry it out even tougher. To conspire to do this, complete with blowing up the World Trade Centers after the planes hit them, fake a plane crash into the Pentagon, fake another plane crash, pin the blame on Bin Laden and then cover the whole thing up, this is something of such huge magnitude that it seems impossible. Plus, as I did a little bit of research about the movie online, I found out that a lot of the things they claim in the movie are either not complete truths or very misleading. Lets just pretend for a moment that it is all true. From my stand point, before the movie, I thought Bin Laden was evil and belongs in prison, I believed Bush was evil and belongs in prison and you know what, after the movie, I still feel the same way about both of them. The guys that made the movie were 20 somethings, one of which had just graduated college for film and was by his own admission, pretty much homeless. What better way to get noticed and help your career by doing a movie like this.

Today was Natalie’s 1st birthday party. Natalie is Dave and Kelli’s daughter. It was at the rec center and started at 2. I got there pretty much right at 2 and a lot of people were already there. One thing I found odd was that there seemed to be a lot of……………falic type things there. For example, pretzel rods, bananas, and for some reason, a giant jar of whole pickles. I still don’t know why there was this damn jar of pickles, I was the only person that had one and there didn’t seem to be anything that you would eat with a pickle. We had lasagna and Italian beef and of course tons of sides. The party itself was pretty uneventful, yet still fun. Because people are coming by to watch the Bears game tomorrow (or later today depending on when you read this) we wound up taking much of the food home, including the whole damn jar of pickles, sans the one pickle I ate. What the fuck am I going to do with all this food? I’m starting to think this wasn’t a good idea.

Shit, what a fucked up day. First of all, I go to leave in the morning and my car doors are frozen shut. Took me like 5-10 minutes just to get into the car. Then, I had to clean the snow and ice off. When I get to work, our website was down, they had changed servers over the weekend and shit wasn’t working. I need that to work, when it did come back, it was so backed up we never caught up today. There was another software that was down too. Also, the keypads for the doors were not working throughout the building. Then, I see a fax machine was not working properly. One of the vending machines was not working and therefore, it was totally empty. I swear, it was like Y2-fucking-k all over again. When things finally started working, we became overwhelmed with work. Its so bad, I’m going to come in at 7:30AM tomorrow! That is waaaaaaaaay early for me, normally  I don’t even get up until 7:30.

You know how when some people get really really fat, they have to have their stomachs stapled? Well, I think I want the opposite. See, I gained 7 pounds over the holidays. Since Jan 1, though, I have lost like 4-5 pounds. Now it seems like because of my dieting, my stomach as shrunk and I can not eat as much. Inspite of my lack of size, I have always been a big eater, capable of eating far more than one would think, courtesy of a hollow leg where I store all the food. I’m concerned that once I come off my diet and I need or want to eat tons of food, say like when I go to a buffet, I will not be able to eat as much as I used to. So, I need the opposite of a stomach staple, maybe a stomach extension or an addition onto a my stomach, kind of like when somebody wants to expand their house, they get an addition. I know this might sound a little crazy, but what am I going to do the next time I feel the need to ingest 5 pounds of food. Just imagine, I go into the hospital weighing 135 pounds and come out with a tummy extender, which allows me to eat my way  up to 145 pounds in one sitting. I know this sounds like it might be a tad bit unhealthy, but hear me out. I recently had a tooth replaced, so this gives the new tooth a chance to earn its keep, make it worth the money I spent for it. Also, my pants have gotten a little loose, this means I don’t have to buy new clothes, just work my way into a nice, snug fit. Concerned about potential cholesterol risks? My friend Tom has a theory that there is no such thing as bad cholesterol, all cholesterol helps keep the blood moving and flowing. I am a little bit concerned about how I will look, but with Americans getting fatter and fatter, I will still stand to be practically anorexic, especially compared with those tub of lards in Texas. Sure, I run the risk of a myriad of diseases such as diabetes, but really I think that is a small price to pay for the chance to be able to eat a whole pizza in one sitting. Wait a minute. With diabetes comes the risk of impotence. Fuck that, I’ll be damned if I’m going to go impotent any earlier than I need to. See, I bet more people would be serious about getting in shape and eating healthy if you told them their wiener would never get plump. See, and that’s how you do it, you have to use food analogies to get people interested and for them to understand. Its kinda catch 22 if you will. I should rephrase that. Its more like a 16 ouncer………………as in steak. Ok, so that was lame, I’m too lazy right now to come up with something else.

Yesterday, we had people (Mark, Rusty, and Keith and Heather) come over
to watch the Bears game. And what a game it was! I still can’t believe
they are only a game away from the Super Bowl, I keep thinking there
has got to be another game, but yet, here we are. Robbie Gould is money
and not only that, but he is fucking hot. I swear, he has got to be one
of the hottest guys in the NFL, which doesn’t say much, since
generally, most guys in the NFL are not cute. Still, I’m happy for him, he has had an interesting story, not drafted, cut by  2 teams before coming to the Bears. In fact, he was at home, living with his parents doing construction when the Bears called. Now he is going to the Pro Bowl and makes a game winning kick in a playoff game. Good for him.

If there is one thing that makes Mark and I more twin like, its that we both spill. A lot. In fact, one of my nicknames is Spillzilla and Mark’s nickname is Godspilla. Yesterday, I nearly spilled Heather’s beer. About an hour later, Mark spilled his own beer all over my carpeting. Now I can smell the faint sent of beer. Its ok though, this carpet has seen much worse on it and the smell should go away soon.

Had today  off because of Martin Luther King Day. Normally I go on about peace and tolerance and all that stuff, but I think you all might be sick of hearing about that, so I will just let it go.

That’s all for now, people. Go Bears!