January 24, 2007

• Ok, this might seem a little gross to you, but I’m going to post about it anyways. Back on New Year’s day, Scooty power washed my ears because I was having issues hearing. Ever since then, I have not been able to hear out of my left ear. Ok, I could hear, but it was muffled because of the remaining wax and the water that was completely covering the ear drum. Anywho, today I had an appointment with my doctor, I was thinking that he would need to give me a referral to an ear, nose and throat doctor. So, I took a half day at work for my 1:30 appointment. As many of you know, I’m chronically prompt and this was no exception. I arrived at 1:15 which gave me some time to enjoy the waiting room. I passed the time by sniffing the back rests of every char in the building. One of the chairs kinda smelled like tacos. Finally, they called me into the room about 1:35ish. The  nurse brought me into room and checked my blood pressure. Turns out, I have the blood pressure of a corpse. Good for me! Soon she left the room and told me the doctor would be coming in shortly. This again, left me with time to myself, which is sometimes not a good thing. See, as you probably already know, I’ve got an overactive imagination. My mind started to wander. Perhaps I could be doing something crazy when the doctor walked into the room. Wouldn’t it be awkward if he walked in and caught me masterbating? Or, maybe I should vandalize the room, you know, write something on the walls. Something totally crazy, like “DELTA BURKE DOESN’T SHAVE HER ARMPITS.”Or maybe I will rummage the room for any  loose medication and take it all just to see what kind of effect it would have. Or, I could wait for him to walk in and throw my shoes directly at his face. I thought these were all wonderful ideas that might come with the added bonus of my own prosecution. I decided to do a combination of all of the above!!

  Anywho, the doctor walks in and I start telling him my story. You know, how I had ear sex and now I can’t hear. Ok, I guess I should give credit where credit is due, the ear sex idea was something I saw on Family Guy. Anywho, the doc took a look inside my ears and offered to have his nurse power wash my left ear. What was really funny was that as he was leaving the room, he kept telling me to stay there and not go anywhere. Where the fuck was I going to go, they hadn’t done anything for me yet. Its not like I was going to go and have sex with one of the nurses in a broom closet. Then again, maybe he had some other patients that just up and left without saying anything. Perhaps he left the room and they went out the window. Anywho, after a few minutes, the nurse came in with some sort of contraption that she hooked up to the sink. This was totally different than what Scooty had done, he used some gun type thing. The put the thing into my ear and starting spraying a mass amount of water into my ear. It was weird, it both tickled and hurt at the same time. Also, I could even feel it in my eye. She pulled it out (how many of you have ever had a lady pull something out of you after squirting inside you? Maybe this was ear sex!) and showed me some big chunks of wax. I still couldn’t hear just yet, so she put it back in and kept going. After about 30 seconds more, she pulled out and BOOM! I was able to hear!!! It was amazing. At first, I was a little dizzy, but I felt really good. She left the room and the doctor game in. He took a look at my ears and said they looked fantastic, although he was surprised to find out that Delta Burke doesn’t shave her arm pits. I asked him if the nurse could do my other ear. Again, as he left the room he told me not to go anywhere. I was starting to get the feeling that he was either going to have me whacked or throw a surprise party for me. She came back in and finished off my other ear. I felt fantastic, very satisfied and seemed to have an extra bounce in my step. Hmmmmm…………..maybe I did have sex in there.

  Since the playoffs started, I have been growing a playoff beard, meaning I have not shaved since the playoffs started and will not shave until the Bears are either eliminated or win the Super Bowl. Well NBC has reviewed things and since they now officially are responsible for making sure things are catorgorized correctly, they have said that it is no longer a playoff beard. Since the next round is the Super Bowl, that means that technically, its no longer the playoffs. So by definition, I am no longer growing a playoff beard, but instead now have a Super Bowl Beard. NBC wants to remind people that moving forward, they will only be referring to it as a Super Bowl Beard.

  I know most of you probably don’t get that joke, so I will explain it. Recently, NBC made a big deal about how from now on, they are officially going to be referring to Iraq as being in a civil war. They made it seem like they were the end all for what is going on in Iraq. It was really quite stupid.

  • 11:06 pm
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