January 28, 2007

• Friday night, I played cards at Scott’s house. I swear Scott is soooo fucking gay. I don’t even know how we got on the topic, but all of a sudden, he said something like “Lets see, if I had to date one of the guys at this table, I don’t know who it would be.” I responded by saying “If I had to date one of the guys at this table, you would without a doubt be the last one.”  He said “Oh, come on, I’m completely domesticated.” He made a couple of other comments throughout the night that I can’t remember. What was even crazier was that once his wife got home, he repeated the thing about dating a guy at the table. She asked him “why would you say something like that?” Scott totally fits the closeted gay homophobe Christian Republican to a fucking tee. I think if he were ever alone with me, he would hit on me, because he suspects that I’m gay. The thing is, I’m not attracted to him in the least. Also, he is married, so even if I were attracted to him, I would never do anything. Still, it might be 5 or 10 years from now, but its only a matter of time before he comes out.

  Today was the surprise baby shower for Scooty. About 3 or 4 months ago, we had an idea to throw a baby shower for Scooty instead of for his wife, since she has 4 other kids. Anywho, we decided on a football/Bears theme, which really was made a lot better by the Bears making it to the Super Bowl. Anywho, I was in charge of bringing the nachos. I went all out, I wanted to have the best nachos possible. This meant that I had to totally overdo things. I totally pulled a Dave and bought way more than we needed. For example, I bought 10lbs of Velvetta cheese, 3lbs of sour cream and 3lbs of blue tortilla chips. I bought blue because they were supposed to be the Bears colors. They didn’t really look too blue, though. Come to think of it, they didn’t look very appetizing at all. Anywho, we arrived at Todd and Pam’s  pretty much right at 3, which is when we were supposed to arrive, Scooty was going to be getting there at 4 in the pm. I was shocked that everybody was there before 4. We tried to burn a copy of the the Bears fight song to play as he walked in, but we had some issues and it didn’t happen. Instead, we were playing a Super Bowl 20 video (for those that don’t know, that was the Super Bowl the Bears won) that was On Demand. Scooty and his clan arrived right after 4 and as he told me later, at first he had no idea what was going on. We had Bears balloons and orange and blue streamers and balloons and only one sign that read baby shower, which he didn’t see right away. He said at first, he thought he had missed a week and it was already the Super Bowl. What was funny was that we made sure that he had a beer in his hand within minutes of him walking through the door.

  The food was pretty good, but nobody wants to hear about food. Being a baby shower, we had to play some games. Now, there were only 6 guys there that are not father’s, me, John, Randy, Jt, Scooty and Jeff. The game was we had to dress a baby doll, complete with putting on a diaper. We decided to go in pairs. First, Jt and Scooty went. My money was on Jt since he has had a lot of experience with his sister’s kid. Turns out, Scooty wound up winning, having the doll dressed in I think under 2 minutes. Next was me and Randy. I knew this would be the pair that would be the most………….challenged. I was trying to think of ways to cheat and win, not really so that I would win, but just because it would be funny. Heather told us to go we were off. We each kneeled in front the our dolls on the coffee table. I quickly shoved Randy’s doll and doll toys off the table and went to work on mine. As soon as I did that, Julie said she was DCFS and took my doll away from me! She did give it back to me a few seconds later, though. Turns out, putting a diaper on is much harder than I ever thought. At first, I put it on without fastening the diaper. I started to put the one piece outfit on when I was told to actually put the diaper on. I quickly taped it……….ok, I won’t like, nothing about this whole process was quick. When I finally managed to get it taped, Mark said I had it on backwards. I took it off and put it the opposite way. Everybody else told me that now I had it on backward. Fucking Mark. Meanwhile, Randy was struggling as well. I already had the diaper taped, so I just pulled the diaper down turned it around and tried to pull it back up. This was proving to be much more difficult than you could ever imagine. I was having………..er………….an issue getting it around the leg. I opened the diaper completely up and started to put it on like normal. Although people at the party might dispute the next thing that happened, but I had an idea. I thought it would be funny if I pulled the doll’s leg off while putting on the diaper. So, I spread the leg as far as I could and much to my surprise, it actually came off!! Everybody started laughing really hard. I was laughing so hard that I was in tears. I struggled trying to get the damn leg back on, but it just wouldn’t go. So, I looked at Randy, who by the way, had made very little progress, and I took his clothes and doll and threw it on the floor again. I continued struggling in vain to get the damn leg back on. Finally Christie, perhaps disgusted as  to how pathetic I looked, took the doll and got the leg back on. I started to put the diaper back on but was having trouble fastening it. In fact, I accidently tore the damn fastening thing completely off. They quickly gave me another diaper and I continued on my way. Everybody was saying that it was pretty much over, Randy was going to win, as I struggled to put the onesie on when Jt said “actually, Mike may still have a chance.” I look over and inspite of all my issues, Randy still was not that far ahead of me. I managed to get the onesie on when Randy finally finished, a mere 5 minutes and 40 seconds after we had started. Next, John and Jeff went and I think it took them about 3 minutes to finish, both right about the same time. We had to go to the video to see who one and upon further review, the judges determined John was the winner. In the final round, Randy, Scooty and John each had to change a dirty diaper without getting the doll’s clothes dirty. The diapers were filled with refried beans and look very unappealing. The funny part is that when the refried beans were not in the diaper, they looked and tasted fine. Anywho, this part of the contest as amusing as well, as John managed to get some of the “shit” all up the doll’s leg and waste. Scooty actually wound up winning, proving that he is probably ready to be a dad.

  Our friend Julie, who is living on a New Mexico Air Force base while her husband fights in Iraq, was actually up for the shower. Well, she didn’t come back only for the shower, but she was back for other reasons and was able to attend. She told us that she is going to be moving to Louisville in April while Tom is in Iraq. I told everybody that we should all take a trip down there while she is living there, it would only be about a 6 hour drive. We are thinking about going in August some time. I’m going to try to talk everybody into going via train, but I don’t know if that is going to be the best option for everybody.

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