Ladies and gentleman, children and old people, clergymen and pedophiles, citizens and illegal immigrants, presidents and war heros, animals and members of the media, and anybody else I might have left out such as circus freaks, hundred thousdanaires, radio disc jockeys and umbrella makers among many, many others, our long national nightmare is finally over: Sears is going to replace the air conditioner! Yes, our long, trying battle has finally paid off with a hopefully soon to be installed, supposed to be fully functional air conditioner! And I want to thank the few people that took a vested interest in this story and the many many people who found much humor in my daily battles with Sears. Last night the Sears man came out and did an estimate of the cost of the replacement. I felt kinda rude, because I sat there eating my dinner as he filled out paperwork and I didn’t offer him anything. Then I remembered the months and hours of incompetence and poor customer service this company had put me through, so I had seconds. Not to take it out on him though, he couldn’t have been a nicer guy.

As it turns out, the total cost of the replacement came to about $4500, of which, I had to pay for around $350, which really wasn’t much at all when you think about it. Sure, I wanted to fight it and demand that it all be paid for based on the hell this shit company had put me through, but I figured I would just leave it alone, I don’t have it in me to battle this company for another 8 damn months. See, this maintenance agreement from Sears practically pays for itself. Sure, it might be $700-$800 a year, but they replace anything on it. Just look at what has been replaced besides the AC: hot water tank, washer, lawn mower and they come out to do preventative things once a year. The stove is really dirty, maybe I can find a way to break it and they will replace it.

Check out the link before reading.

http://sports.yahoo.com/nba/news?slug=ap-wallace-starbury&prov=ap&type=lgns

I swear, sometimes it so much work to read what I write, what with me always having people click on links and go to this website and that website and break commit this crime and sleep with this teacher. But anywho, most of you probably don’t know about this, but selfish NBA player Stephon Marbury has come out with an affordable shoe, this was last year sometime. And I mean affordable, I think it only costs something like $15. Now he has the Bulls Ben Wallace in on it; he is going to be coming out with his own shoe on the Marbury line. Although I HATE Stephon Marbury the selfish, me-first NBA player, I commend Stephon Marbury the socially conscious person for this move. Although I think $60-$100 is a reasonable price to pay for a pair of shoes, there is no reason inner-city kids who can barely afford the new Marbury shoe need to be spending upwards of $300 on a pair of shoes. Because of the high price, this leads to lots of violence, thefts, and even murders over the expensive pair of shoes. And with Wallace involved that’s good too. I just hope nobody blames the shoes for Wallace’s rather pathetic offensive play, I mean, how the hell does one air ball free throws as often as he does? Shit, hitting the rim on a free throw is probably the only thing I can do in all of professional sports and he struggles to do that sometimes.

Here is another link for you to waste your time with:
http://news.yahoo.com/s/livescience/20070326/sc_livescience/raresemiidenticaltwinsdiscovered;_ylt=AovilSsdvmHjaJ8OoxqkX3gDW7oF

Turns out, they think there is now a 3rd type of twin. Let’s see, you have fraternal (Mark and I) identical (90′s heartthrobs Jason and Jeremy London) and now introducing “Semi-identical”! Ok, that just doesn’t make any damn sense. If they aren’t identical or fraternal, that makes them just siblings, 2 people that look alike because they have the same mother and father. I’m also wondering why it took this long to “discover” a 3rd type of twin. After all, its not like its a new species or a cure for a disease. Twins have been around, well, forever and they are trying to tell me it took them this long to decide this? Give me a fucking break, who is in charge of this, FEMA? I’d hate to be so cynical, but I just don’t believe this.

Ever since we went to Lincoln Park for St Patrick’s Day, I have been thinking about something that is a travesty. I’m pretty stuck in my convictions on this issue and it is very important. I firmly believe that all massages should have happy endings. Think about it, a happy ending really just goes along with the rest of the whole idea of the massage. I mean, after all, the massage is supposed to be relaxing and soothing and set your mind at ease. If it is supposed to be relaxing for every other part of your mind and body, why not just go for the trifecta and be sexually relaxing as well. Plus, it takes the pressure off of everybody, you don’t have to be going through the whole massage thinking “is there going to be a happy ending? Should I ask?” And the masseur  doesn’t have to worry about offering, as the happy ending would be expected. Oh, for the love of Tom Johnson, you are naked and all aroused already anyway, why not just finish things off by getting off. Look, they dim the lights, put on romantic music, light candles and lube up every other part of your body, shit, they are sending every damn sign imaginable that an orgasm is imminent. You know damn well that as soon as you walk out of that room somebody is going to be masterbating, either you or them. So let’s just save everybody the embarrassment of having to ask or offer and just have it part of the package. Whenever you are done with a massage they leave you alone to “get dressed”, its assumed that you are going to jerk off, I mean why else would they leave a box of tissue in the room. The way I see it, its not prostitution at all, its all part of feeling good. Sometimes, the massages are so erotic, you leave there more tense then when you went in and the only thing that will cure the tenseness is a quick tug-a-lug. Shit, some of them charge as much as a hooker, why not get a hand job as well?

We got our bonuses today!!! It was a lot more than last year, which is good. Another thing that was good was that I didn’t embarrass myself in front of the president of the company like I did last year when he overheard me saying that I was going to blow my money at the track. Now I just have to figure out how to blow it this year. More than likely, its going to be on my garage, since that still needs to be fixed. But, I haven’t ruled out other things. Perhaps a trip, after all, I hear Antarctica is nice this time of year. Or maybe clothes, I have been wearing the same clothes to work for 5 years now. Maybe I will spend it on somebody else. I think it would be cool to fly my nieces in for a couple of weeks in the summer. Oh, wait, I’ve got it! Happy ending massages!!!!

Friday night, we hung out at Mark’s house, this was the first time I had seen Addison since the Super Bowl! I was a little worried that she would not like me again, but as it turned out, that was not a problem, she walked right up to me and gave me a hug and kiss. She even sat with me on the couch and let Mark take a picture of us. Hopefully, if he ever remembers, he will email it to me and I can post it.

Last night was a card game at Sean’s house in Bolingbrook. Long story short, I sucked. Actually, I was awful I think between 3 games, I won one damn hand. This cute guy from work showed up and brought his even cuter friend. The whole night though, people thought his friend was STONED out of his mind. Turns out, he wasn’t, although he said he got high when he first got up, but this was way later in the day. Anywho, there is this other guy from work (who I have written about before and has showed up at the local bar I go to) has been bugging me to play cards with me for several years now. Well, he found out that I invited the cute guy to play, even though the cute guy has only worked there for a few months. See, the thing is, the cute guy is an atheist, just like me. He is straight, but is very open minded and does not have a problem with gays. Other dude from work is a Christian and has issues with gays. Not to say he hates gays, but he has told me if his son (who is only like 8) turned out to be gay, he would never let him in his house again. Needless to say, I am not out at work, neither of these guys know I’m gay. The Christian dude wants to be better friends with me, yet for obvious reasons, I keep him at an arm’s length. We have hung out, we have been in several fantasy leagues together and I have played cards at his house. But, I feel bad that I have hurt his feelings because I won’t take him with me when I play cards. Yet, I just can not justify being friends with somebody who does not approve of my homosexuality. On the other hand, I feel like I’m being too judgemental. Also, if I come out to him, I just might be able to influence him and shatter every stereotype he has. I might make him more accepting of gays. I almost feel like I’ve got an obligation to come out to him and be a positive influence for gays, so that he is more accepting. I’m arrogant enough to think that I can be the exception to the rule and the person that makes him less of a bigot, although I think that might be too strong of a word. On the other hand, I’m pretty strong in my convictions that I not be friends with somebody who is a bigot. Then again, Dave is a bigot and he is one of my best friends. If I were more strong in my convictions 10 years ago, he and I would have not been friends. But, I also like to think that I have changed him and opened his mind. I guess what I want to know is, am I being ridiculous for not wanting to be friends with this guy? Its not like he is a bad guy, we seem to have a lot in common. He is one of my closer friends at work and if he were not a homophobe, we would be pretty good friends. I have not talked to him since he found out that I invited the other guy from work, I suspect he might ask me about it this week, so that would be a perfect time to deal with this.

Ok, this is going to show just how demented my sense of humor is and what I find funny. Last week I was sitting there at work when just out of the blue, as happens to me often, something popped into my head. And because I like to make people laugh, I decided to tell everybody (and to text Mark later when I went on break). I don’t know if any of you have seen the movie “The Neverending Story, but do you remember the scene when the huge dog like thing told the kid he was dying (the dog was dying, not the kid) and the kid started crying? Well, wasn’t that funny? See, I didn’t really think this scene was funny, but I just told everybody that just to illicit a response and make everybody laugh. And you know what, for the most part, it worked, people found it funny. Ok, so maybe in retrospect, the kid crying was kind of funny. But, I like to get a reaction out of people. See, I used to do the same thing to my mother when I was a teenager and in my early 20s. For example, my mom would be watching her stupid soap operas (or as she called it, her “stories”) and there would be some sort of intense scene in which somebody was dying or something bad was happening. And as I would pass through the room, I would look at the tv and start laughing and say something like “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!! His wife AND kid are both dead!” My mom’s response was always to me, funny. She would always get pissed and yell at me “WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU!!!??? WHAT, ARE YOU CRACKING UP???? DO I HAVE TO TAKE YOU TO A DOCTOR?” And I would just walk out of the room, laughing. Shit, I’m even laughing now as I think about it. Damn, I’m so fucking immature. But still, to me, its always funny to see how people react when you say something off the wall like that. My mom was priceless though, as she did not have a very good sense of humor, so instead of finding it funny, she would get pissed. And its not like I liked getting my mother pissed, because I did not want to be the one that really pissed her off (although most of the time, I was), but for some reason, I found this sort of thing funny as hell. Correction, I still find it funny as hell. And its not like I’m into the whole shock humor, because honestly, I’m not. But its just the off the wall, out of nowhere humor that cracks me so thoroughly up. I also tend to have a dark sense of humor, which certainly helps. And lets face it, sometimes, its just flat out funny when people cry. For example, you ever watch the Little League World Series? I know this isn’t very nice of me, but when a kid strikes out and walks back to the bench crying or when a pitcher loads the bases and is standing there on the mound, tears streaming down both cheeks, I laugh. Sure, I feel bad for the kid, after all, better him than me. But, a bigger part of me is laughing because it still is kind of funny. Shit, I should just stop now, because this is not making me look good at all. But no, instead I will continue on, because hey, as I mentioned, sometimes its funny to watch a guy bury himself. See, its like how the old saying goes: “It takes a big man to cry, but it takes an even bigger man to laugh at that man”.  That was an old Deep Thought, by Jack Handey, which was a thing on Saturday Night Live. But come on, its true. Sometimes, its just funny to watch a person cry. Their voice gets all whiney and funny sounding, they have snot going everywhere and usually, you can’t understand a damn thing they are saying. Now its not to say that I laugh at funerals when people are crying, because I don’t. But, in other instances, like when an athlete retires and they have the press conference in which they are sitting there, sobbing uncontrollably, its fucking downright hysterical. Even if you can’t hear them, its still funny, because people make the funniest faces when they cry. Just think about when kids cry, a lot of times, adults laugh at them, like when a kid cries after seeing Santa. Its funny, so why all of a sudden, when its an adult crying, its no longer funny? Of course, this makes me sound really insensitive, but there have been plenty of times that somebody is crying and I console or hug them and as they are hugging me, I’m standing there with a smile on my face, trying hard not to laugh. Then, as soon as the hug is over and they see my face, the smile is gone. God damn, I am such a fucking dick! Now I should stop before I really look just totally unredeemable. Quick, I need to change the subject. Oh, I know!

I still can’t believe that damn dog eats his own shit!

Now to go into more about yesterday’s post. If you haven’t read the article from yesterday’s post, I’m going to wait and give you time to read it right now. Ok, so now that you are updated, I hope you are as outraged as I am. Now, I want to state that I like to consider myself environmentally sound, but have my own opinions on global warming. That being said, Bush might be kind of, how should I say, a reverse hippie. He is a war monger who doesn’t give a shit about the environment. The only green he cares about is money. Now, I will be the first to say that the Democrats have their own agendas and scaring people with global warming is one of them. More on that later, though. But, the mere fact that Bush would try to cover up global warming is alarming, disturbing, and unethical. And I find it mighty interesting that this guy quite the Bush Abomination to work for an oil company.

I actually had a long conversation with a friend last week about global warming. She and I have different opinions on the whole thing. See, I think its obvious something is happening. However, how do we know its not something that naturally occurs with the earth? After all, the earth once went through an ice age and then warmed up enough to get to this point. There is also the case of Iceland which used to be nothing but ice and is now green. So, how do we know this isn’t just a natural cycle. You know, maybe this is just the earth’s version of menopause and it is having hot flashes.  My friend brought up a good point as well. She wonders if this is just the natural evolution of a planet as it starts to die out. Perhaps other planets have gone through this same change before they burned out and eventually it will happen to us. I think both are interesting theories.

Yet, just about every scientist and weather person seems to agree and who am I to argue with them: global warming is real and we are the problem. No matter which is right (and I would bet money on the scientists) something is happening and we should try to do anything we can to correct it. My thinking is that it only makes sense that all of these toxins, carbons, and smoke that we release into the air has to be doing some sort of damage. The question is, it is as bad as they say it is? Honestly, I just don’t trust Al Gore. After all, he is a politician and pretty much all politicians have an agenda and use fear to their advantage, so why would Al Gore be any different? Also, who is to say the scientists aren’t being paid to say whatever the Democrats and Al Gore want them to say? I always tell myself to be more cynical when it comes to politics. The reality is that over the years, there has been a long list of things that were awful and would lead to the end of the world and none of them were ever as bad as they (politicians, and the media; among others) have tried telling us. Remember the hole in the o-zone? Sure, still a problem, but 15 years ago they were telling us all sorts of shit that was going to happen in 10 years, and still nothing. What about SARS? Killed some people, but it was no black plague. Same with mad cow disease and the bird flu.

The frustrating part here is that they have cried wolf so many times that you don’t know what to believe anymore. I mean, is global warming as bad as they say it is, or are we being set up to be played the fool once again? Are they preying on our fears? Can we afford not to take them for face value? We live in a world and a society that thrives on fear. Sure, we all do it, even in our own daily lives. We make things out to be worse than what they actually are. Are we following their lead or are they only a reflection of ourselves? It has gotten to the point where its hard to tell where the bullshit ends and where the truth starts. Sure, I want to believe that they are telling the truth about global warming. Frankly, I have no reason to believe they are lying. After all, what does Gore stand to benefit from it, he is not going to run for president or political office again. I don’t think he made enough money from his movie to justify everything that he has said and done. Normally, I can figure out why a person lies and what they have to benefit from the lie. For example, Bush lied about Iraq, he and his cronies stood to benefit both financially and politically from it, so its easy to see why he did it. But this global warming thing? Who benefits and who makes money off of lying about it? Bush changes reports about global warming, it helps his oil interests. But, what does Gore and other environmental people get from lying about it.

All that being said, I’m inclined to think its a problem. I think we should do our best to fix the problem, if not for the earth than for us. After all, it can not be healthily for all of us to be breathing in those gasses and toxins. I think global warming is a serious problem, but probably not as bad a Gore says. He says we are at a tipping point. I just don’t believe its that far. Yet.

Man, I really need to learn to write things the fuck down. I had a whole thing I was going to post about today and now for the life of me, I can’t remember. And it was good too. Or, at least I thought it was good, which means that it probably sucked and was barely readable. So if anybody remembers whatever the hell I was going to write about, please let me know.

Ok, this is an edit more then 2 hours after the first post. Here is some reading material about the Bush Abomination

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070319/ap_on_go_ca_st_pe/scientists_warming  

I guess I should write about this…………but later in the week.

Friday night, I went to dinner with Danielle, a girl I used to work with at AAA (not to be confused with Danel, another girl I used to work with at AAA). We met at the Healthy Gourmet, which is a Chinese restaurant in Naperville. I arrived promptly at the agreed upon time of 6 in the pm. Although I have ordered delivery from this place at work many times, this was the first time I had actually been there. Its a tiny place with only 2 tables. And the old man that runs the place is totally goofy. He is Chinese, so I couldn’t understand much of what he was saying. I swear though, we must have been their first customers to dine in. I don’t mean the first that day, but like the first ever. The old man was very overly attentive. And he just couldn’t believe we wanted to dine in. In fact, he kept asking us if we wanted to eat it there. And they weren’t prepared at all for people that wanted to dine in, it was quite funny actually. I ordered a Pepsi and he comes back with a can and a styrofoam cup which was……………well, it wasn’t even the size of one of those styrofoam coffee cups, it was smaller, yet wider. I guess the best way to describe it would be like a bowl you would use for take out soup, only smaller. And when I say that he brought just the cup and the can of Pepsi, I mean the cup and the can of Pepsi, there was not even any ice in the cup. When the mean came, they didn’t even have silverware or plates, just plastic silverware and plastic plates. Geez, just because its a Chinese restaurant, doesn’t mean they have to use Chinet. Not that I’m complaining about any of it, I was totally fine with it but just wanted to describe how we might have been the first 2 to ever dine in. The whole time we were at this place, there was another younger guy behind the counter. He too was Chinese and I really shouldn’t say this, but fuck, he was unsightly. We thought it was just the 2 of them working there when all of a sudden, after we had been there for an hour, out of the blue, another really funny looking guy emerges from the back. What made it even funnier is that like many businesses they had a local radio station playing. Well, it was a local Christian radio station, not that there is anything wrong with that, but I just didn’t have them pegged as the Christian types. My guess is that they happened upon that station by accident and don’t know what type of station it was and just have always had it on. As for the food, it was outstanding, I should order from this place more often, especially since its healthy.

After dinner we went back to her house where she, her husband and I watched, you guessed it, Borat. Danielle and her husband have a very old dog that is sick and needs to take medication. Well, since she has been sick, she doesn’t eat much and her fur is falling out, which is sad. What wasn’t very sad is that she farts. A lot………….and it stinks really really bad. I mean, honestly, this damn dog was killing me, and it seemed to be getting worse throughout the night. It stunk so bad, it was almost as if this dog was eating her own shit. I hope you aren’t too grossed out by that.

Yesterday was Christie’s St Patrick’s Day party. I usually like to color my hair for her party and this year was no exception. I bought a funny shirt that reads “Do me, I’m Irish.” which doesn’t fit me, since I’m full Italian. But, I had an idea of coloring my hair red so that I can pretend I was Irish. So, I bought some temporary hair red hair gel which, as it turned out, was a blood red. So, I bought green hair dye and much like the Chicago river, I colored my hair green. It didn’t turn out as good as I thought it would, but then again, it never does.

The party started at 7, so John and I picked up Heather shortly after 6. Before picking up Heather, we stopped off to purchase some booze. John found some chocolate vodka drink which wound up tasting really good. Anywho, we got Heather and headed on our way. The drive there was not bad at all, pretty quick actually. But, being St Patrick’s Day in Lincoln Park and on a Saturday nonetheless, parking was impossible. We drove around looking for a spot for what seemed to be for-fucking-ever! Finally, I found a place that was sorta far from their condo, but it would have to do, there was nowhere else. We got out of the car and I opened the trunk to get the beverages. Right about now was when I did something that only I could do: close the damn trunk on John’s bald head! Normally, I only manage to do things like that to Dave. I really need to pay attention more. I saw John grab stuff from the trunk and I after I grabbed the mint green Oreos, I just assumed that he had everything and started to slam the trunk, hitting him smack on the head. I felt really bad about it, although he was ok.

Anywho, we started to walk in the direction of what I thought was the right way. We went down one street where we saw an open spot. So, I sent John back to get the car while Heather and I held the spot.We figured if we can get a closer spot, even if it is only a block and a half, it would be worth it since they would probably both be drunk comingback to the car. After John parked The only problem was that we really didn’t know where we were. We walked down to the nearest big street and it was not the road we were supposed to be on. After a few minutes, we realized that we were now lost. This really sucked ass because, well, because it was cold, and here we were wondering  the streets of Chicago with a bag of Oreos, a 12 pack of beer and a 4 pack of chocolate vodka and me having green hair. Now that I think about it, what more do you need? Still John called Christie to help us. As it turns out, we were a long ways away from where we needed to be. And, to make matters even worse, by moving the car “closer” we managed to move it further away from Christie’s! Maybe in some world, further is closer, hello is goodbye and dogs eat their own shit, but this wasn’t that world. Or was it?

Finally though, Christie was able to talk us over to their place. It was a small gathering, but still fun.Christie made corned beef and cabbage and a really good Irish stew. She also had Irish beer bread and soda bread, both of which were good. But, enough about eating. After dinner, we sat around talking when we got on a conversation that I won’t soon forget. Christie has a girlfriend by the name of Monty who was telling us about her dog. What is so odd about this dog is that he “cleans up after himself”. Ah, fuck it, this is my own blog, I’m not going to censor myself, especially since I have already said it 2 other times in this post. Her dog eats his own shit. Now, this is not as disgusting as it sounds………….oh, wait, actually, it is. I still don’t understand why we spent 20 minutes talking about it last night.

After eating and hanging out for a while, we headed over to a local Irish bar called Mcdunnas, which was the same place we went to last year. This place was PACKED, but the whole place was happy and many people were dancing. Oh, and it was a meat market for me, so many hot, young guys. The juke box was playing some great music, including my favorite song, American Pie, which nearly the whole place seemed to sing and dance to. We had a good time there before we left about 1:15ish and headed back to Jeff and Christie’s. We hung out there until about 2:30 before heading home.

I can’t believe that dog eats his own shit.

Remember Bo Burnam from YouTube? Well, he is back with 3 more funny songs. One of them is very appropriate for today’s post, so here is the link:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=6B4Lrl9pdAA

You know what is driving me right the fuck nuts? Somebody out there thinks I’m old. And I don’t mean that joking around “you are in your 30s” type of old. No, I mean retired, going deaf, emitting a weird odor old. See, I keep getting mail for retired people. Mail from AARP. Junk mail for hearing aides (seriously, if you are in the market for  hearing aid or perhaps you just feel like you want to have some sort of super hearing, check out this website http://www.hearusa.com/ for all your hearing aid needs), life insurance and many other things. The funny part is that it always has my middle initial as “M” instead of what it should be, “R”. Ok, so I look like I’m pushing 50 and I have the prostate of a senior citizen, that doesn’t mean I am one. All right, so in high school my nickname was old man, does that mean that every 2 bit scam on senior citizens should be attempted on me? By the way, I got the nickname because I’m not very flexible. We were stretching in gym class and I have never been able to touch my toes while stretching. The gym teacher yelled at me and said “Damnit Consalvo, you stretch like an old man. If you were a horse, we would have shot you by now.” That’s honestly what he said, I am not making that up. But anywho, I digress. Just how exactly does one get signed up to receive all of this shit in the mail. And more importantly, how does one get off that list. For crying out loud, I get a fake id, pose as a senior citizen a total of only 87 times to get the senior discount at Denny’s and next thing you know, I’m getting mailers for caskets and funeral homes. Look, I admit it, I look like hell. Somebody recently told me I look worse then my father did 5 years ago, which is not good because he has been dead since 1980. But still, do I really look like I need the free wheelchair trial? Now hearing aides, well, that’s one thing, I would without a doubt go to http://www.hearusa.com/ should I need one. But there is no way I look old enough to “find dating in my golden years.” I am also not part of “The Greatest Generation” so Tom Brokaw, you can shove your series of great books right up your hemorrhoid filled ass. I mean, its not like I need free samples of Levirta. Besides, I’m still only going to be swingin a 4 1/2 inch bat, so whats the difference. Ok, maybe that was too much info.

That being said, what the fuck is with “the old person smell”? Don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about, you know exactly what’s up. Everybody knows that funky smell. The thing is, its not even a bad smell, although it sure as hell aint a good smell either. Its just a smell. For example, there is this older lady I work with who has to be in her 60s. Well, she has that odor. Bad. In fact, its not just her cubicle that smells, its her whole damn region. If anybody needs to find her, all they need to do is follow their nose…………..it always knows! You can sniff that lady out of a sulfur mine. And what’s even weirder is that she can’t be any nicer, which is funny. It seems like the nicer the old person, the odder the smell. Its kinda like how they can tell how old a tree is by its rings. Well, you can tell how nice an old person is by the potency of their smell. I think its nature’s irony. They get grow old and become lonely and want people to be around them, so they become really nice. Yet, people avoid them because of the weird smell. See, it all makes sense now. There is only one thing that is baffling: what is that fucking smell. Does skin start to develop an odor when people get old? It seems to be  more common with females, so maybe the cooch gets a bit stinkified. Who knows what the hell it is, but its definitely weird. And its not like it goes away when they shower. Although, to be fair, I have never been around an old person after they got out of the shower. Oh, sure, there was that time I took a bath with old Mr and Mrs Clark, but I didn’t pay attention to the smell, I was too focused on the sagging, I mean, why were my balls sagging lower than his? But I know some of these old people shower on a regular basis, so why the smell? And talk about strong? They die, you move their shit out and the house still smells. For weeks. In fact, it even brings down the value of the house by at least $10,000. I’ll tell you what, you want a million damn dollar idea, you should come up with an anti stink spray for the old person smell. And here, I will even give you a name for it: Senior Mints, it leaves each room smelling minty fresh. See, that’s where the money is people, fuck that instant erection shit, most of these old men have been limp for such a long time, they wouldn’t remember what to do with it.

I have to go now. The Levitra is kicking in.

Well, we sprung ahead this past weekend, 3 weeks earlier then we used to. As I’m sure this was the case with certain people, there was a lady at work who did not set her clock ahead and you guessed it, she was an hour late. See, this is puzzling to me. I can see forgetting to do it overnight. But, how in this day and age does one make it an entire day not knowing what fucking time it is? You have got to be living in some sort of concentration camp where you are completely out of touch with the outside world. Its one thing to wake up in the morning (or, in the early afternoon) and not realize that you forgot to move your clock ahead. But, to go throughout the entire day without knowing? Come on, how fucking clueless do you have to be? Every job I have ever worked at, somebody in the management level has always said “don’t forget to change your clocks this weekend or else you won’t get paid next week” or something along those lines. So, that is your first clue. Next there is the radio the whole damn next 2 days “”Don’t forget to set your clock ahead (Insert lame ass joke here)” is what every dj says every 10 fucking minutes. And once you wake up the morning after the change, its everywhere. I mean, you pick up the damn paper and right the fuck there on the front page is a clock with the words “YO, DUMBASS? DID YOU REMEMBER TO MOVE YOUR CLOCK AHEAD ONE HOUR?”  And lets just say you don’t get the paper, what about your cell phone? Cell phone’s change on their own, it should be a sign when you look at your missed call and it says you got the call an hour into the future. At this point, some sort of red flag should go off in your head “either I was abducted by aliens overnight that cost me an hour of my life or this was the weekend we set the clocks ahead. Well, my ass doesn’t feel like its been probed, so I must have forgotten to set the clock ahead.” Ok, so not everybody has a cell phone. I didn’t have one until about 5 months ago.  But, certainly, they have to at least have a computer. I know some older computers weren’t programmed for us moving ahead 3 weeks early. But, when you go online and sites like Yahoo say “Daylight Savings Time comes 3 weeks early” you have to start asking yourself questions like “Do you think Yahoo meant Daylight Savings Time comes 3 weeks early to my state? Hmmm, I don’t live in Indiana or Arizona, it must be us.” Ok, so let’s assume that these people had a virus from checking out too much porn and the computer wasn’t working. Its possible. After all, who among us hasn’t gone to GotMilf.com and fucked our shit up? Its safe to assume that unless you have some sort of major odor problem or are afraid of any sort of contact at all with any other human being, you would have talked to or seen another person. And, at least one of those people is bound to say to you in that ever cliched way “Oh, did you remember to set your clock ahead last night?” Everyday for the first week or so of Daylight Savings Time, somebody always says “oh, its staying light out so late since we changed the clocks ahead this past weekend.” Ok, let’s say you are sick with a nasty case of the refunds and deposits and you don’t talk to anybody. At the very least, you are going to turn on the damn tv. And if you have cable or satellite, the menu says it all: the damn time. Maybe you don’t have cable, you should still be ok since just about every station has the time in the corner on occasion, this should tip you off. By the time the late news comes on you should know. I mean, they don’t call it the 10 o’clock news because it starts at 9 o’clock! Its not like they are going to say “viewers, we have started an hour early, we were just too lazy to change the name of our newscast to The News at 9, so we are still going to be called The News at 10, now an hour earlier!”. The way I see it, after all of those signs, if you still haven’t changed your clock by the end of the day, you probably are not fortunate enough to NOT die before going to bed.

Maybe I’ve been too hard on the clueless wonders of the world. I have a solution. Those 2 days a year when we change the clocks, should be treated just like New Year’s Eve. Imagine, THREE New Year’s Eve every year! That would totally kick ass………..outside of the odds going up by 3 times that a drunk driver is going to kill you before you change you clocks. Shit, you can’t possibly forget to change your clock if you shell out $200 a ticket for some party at a swank hotel downtown. Or, maybe you having your own party at your house. The mere fact that you have a group of 45 people at your house should be enough to remind you that “shit, I know these drunk ass fucks are here for a reason? Oh, yeah, time to change the clock.” And if it is the fall and we go back an hour, it gives you an hour more of drinking time! Treating it like New Year’s Eve and making a big deal of it can’t possibly fail, shit even FEMA would be on time if you threw a pre planned party. Ok, almost on time. And if it is like New Year’s, people can set off fireworks, that way, if you are one of these lame asses that is in bed by midnight, you can be awoken to the sound of fireworks and instantly remember “time to change the clocks!” Its a win-win situation for everybody. And then nobody has an excuse for not changing the clock. Ok, so you might be too drunk to know which way you are turning the clock, backward or forward, but shit, even those odds are 50/50, which when you think about it, are pretty damn good odds. So start planning people, this year’s first New Year’s Eve comes the first full weekend in November!