For many years now, my brother Mark has been going on a yearly trip to a Cubs-Cardinals game in St Louis. I have always tried to invite myself along and have always been told that they didn’t have enough room on the bus. Well, this year, they aren’t getting a bus, they are driving and all of a sudden, they have room for me!!!!! I’m trying to talk Mark into taking the train, he seems into that idea. I just need to find 3 other people to share a hotel room with. John seems interested (but you never know with him) and Mason said he might be interested, leaving me with one more person to get.

Dave and I watched Borat and the Departed last night. I think Dave laughed only once or twice during Borat. I thought this movie would be his type of movie, but I guessed I was wrong. He said that it was a good concept, but they could have done so much more with it. I couldn’t disagree with him more. I was also surprised that he did not laugh much during what I felt was the funniest scene in the movie.

Shit. I’m too damn distracted to make a complete post, so just chew on this for a while.

Remember last week how I went for a routine physical? Well, Monday afternoon I got a voice mail from my doctor’s office saying my blood work was done and they asked me to call back. I assumed everything was ok, although they had never called before when I had a blood test. Anywho, I called them back and they said that my cholesterol was slightly high. Its 209, it should be under 200. I don’t think this is that big of a deal, in fact, they just told me to change my diet a little. I figure its from all the damn cheese I eat. I don’t know if you know this, but I am a cheese freak, I’m convinced that is the only reason why it was high. I have been known to have certain meals and add piles and piles of cheese. And my favorite is parmesan, I eat that stuff straight up sometimes. Ok, a lot of times. Occasionally, I will just walk into the kitchen, open the fridge and eat a handful of the stuff. I’m not making that up. So, one can see why I would have high cholesterol.

The nurse I spoke to also mentioned a couple of other things. She said my potassium was high, as was 2 of my liver enzymes. They wanted me to go for another blood test on Tuesday (last night). I told them I could be there by 6. This made me a little bit uneasy and had me worried, after all, nothing like this has ever happened before when I got a physical. Because we live in a world in which everybody is their own doctor, I went home and looked up high potassium and high liver enzymes on WebMd. It said the high potassium could be from drinking too much caffeine. WOOOHOOO!!! My addiction is having an effect. As for the high liver enzymes………..I’m not going to pull any punches, what it said scared the complete and utter shit out of me. Hepatitis C. The more I thought about it and the more I read, the more scared I became. Now, this is totally me over reacting, but it bothered me so much, that I could not sleep Monday night. I kept telling myself that it could be anything, don’t get freaked out until they do the other test, wait and see. Talk to the doctor or nurse about it, I’m sure its not as bad as you think it is. But still, bad thoughts filled my head. I spent most of Tuesday anxiously waiting for the day to end. On the other hand, I was dreading the damn blood test, afraid of what they might say. I wasn’t really sharing this with anybody, because I didn’t want to worry anybody if it turns out to be nothing. But, inside, I was petrified. I got to the doctor’s office about 20 minutes early. I get off work at 5 and I wasn’t supposed to be there until 6, but hoped to get in a little early. As it turned out, they did take me about 10-15 minutes early. I told the nurse how worried I was. I know this is probably not right, but the doctor does not know I’m gay. I really should tell him. Anywho, she explained that the high liver enzymes could be a number of things, from drinking alcohol, taking medicine or even gall stones. She said most of the time the 2nd blood test comes back and its normal. This reassured me, but I was still a little on edge. They told me I would have the results back today.  She also said if they came back still high, I would have to go for an ultra sound on my liver. I slept much better last night knowing I was probably over reacting. Today, I was more myself but it was in the back of my mind all day long. I checked my voicemail every chance I got. Nothing. When I got off work at 5, I turned on my phone hoping for a message, but also hoping that maybe they got them back and it was ok and they didn’t need to call. On the way out to my car, my phone starting ringing like I had a voicemail. This was it, the moment of truth. It said I had 2 messages. The first one the nurse said they had the results back and to give them a call. The next message was her again, apologizing that she didn’t realize, but she could leave the results right on my voicemail. Right at that point, I knew it was probably good, and it was, she said that it came back normal. But, it was a very trying couple of days, especially since I decided not to burden anybody with the potential bad news. I guess the lesson is, don’t check on WebMd right away like that, it will only upset you.

This just in, I got another phone call. This one from my twin brother Mark, his wife, who is pregnant with twins, is having contractions. She is not due until the end of April, but he is taking her to the hospital right now just to be on the safe side, even though they think its just false contractions. He is going to call me in a couple of hours, probably after I have gone to bed.

WARNING!!! This might be a very boring post. Or, it just might be a spark of a debate.

Recently here in Illinois, our gov has proposed a controversial plan to help get people health insurance. His plan involves taxing businesses instead of citizens. I don’t like the plan for several reasons. First, won’t the businesses just past the cost onto the consumer, hence its ours to pay anyways. Plus, the tax is not fair on the businesses, after all they are not the ones that are going with out insurance. Being uninsured is a big problem and it needs everybody’s support. Fortunately, I’ve got an idea that doesn’t stand a chance in hell of ever getting passed, although it would probably go a long way to ensuring that everybody has health insurance.

Here is my pipe dream, never gonna happen plan: legalize it. What is it, you say? Well, it is pot. And prostitution. Once made legal, it becomes overtaxed just like any other vice. And people will pay for it, generating a lot of tax dollars that need to be spent. As you know, I’m about as liberal as they come, I firmly believe that anything that doesn’t affect others, should be legal. We are supposed to live in a free country. Paying somebody for sex is consensual sex between 2 adults and nobody else’s business. Of course, the hookers would need to be licensed and protection must be used AT ALL TIMES. The license is just another source of tax revenue. They also would be required to get tested for STDs once a month. Look, people are paying for sex already anyways, its just not legal. Same with pot, what percentage of people have smoked or do smoke pot in America? Its got to be close to 70% that have at least done it. Its everywhere. And we spend lots of time and tax dollars to help catch people who violate prostitution and cannabis  laws. After they are caught, they have a trial which costs money. Also, any type of jail time, again costs money. So does the appeals process. It also takes time away from the police to catch other, harmful criminals. With cops redirected from the prostitution and cannabis beat, imagine how many more crimes they can solve.  Also, pot has been proven to have medicinal purpose, among other uses. It also is not nearly as bad for somebody as alcohol or tobacco and yet those are legal.

Now,  I know there are moral issues with legalizing pot and prostitution. People say that prostitution would contribute to the divorce rate, which may or may not be true. But let’s face it people, 50% of all marriages end in divorce. That’s a lot. How much worse can it get? People are going to cheat, having easier access to a hooker is not going to make them more likely to cheat. Legalized prostitution just ensures that the cheating will be safe, without as much of a risk of STDs. Of course, the Christian right would very against this plan (which is a big reason why it would never pass) because it is a sinful and unmoral behavior. But, let me ask you this, which is more immoral, pot and prostitution or a child being without health insurance? How many children don’t get the health care they need because they don’t have coverage? The same can be said of adults. And sure, there are laws that say emergency rooms have to treat people in a life or death situation. But, when its all over, who foots the bill? Its still the consumer, the hospital passes the cost of the unpaid bills onto the health insurance companies who then pass it onto the consumers. Also, if the patient doesn’t have coverage and needs health care, they then have medical bills that are stacked so high, you can see them from space. These people are poor and struggling financially as it is, more bills are only going to make things worse. They can try to pay the bills and then they are left with the choice of paying the debt or eating, which is how we get stuck with the bill. Also, their credit is then ruined because of the unpaid bills. A lengthy hospital stay can ruin a person’s life. Can you honestly say that is moral? It begs the question, which is more unmoral, hookers and pot or a family without health insurance, and therefore without healthcare in a time of need. Our society won’t crumble if prostitution and pot are made legal, just look at other places that have legalized it. Yet, having this many people without health insurance is not good for anybody. Its not good for the government or the economy, not good for the health care and health insurance industries and most of all, it is not good for the people. Any person who dies because they did not have access to healthcare should be a moral outrage. These are things that happen in third world countries, not the most powerful country in the world.

A problem this complex calls for creative ideas and outside the box thinking. We would save  a lot of money not having to enforce these 2 laws. We would make a lot more money when we start taxing these vices. Now I don’t have the dollar amounts or even any guesses as to how much could be generated from these new taxes. But, just look at all the money that is made from gambling taxes, enough to contribute lots of money to the school system. In terms of revenue generated, think along those lines and you have a general idea as to how much we can make and how far we can go with this.

The year 1997. Can you believe its been 10 years since then? I got to thinking about that last night after watching some old music videos on YouTube. ’97 was a good year for me personally and I will explain how. But first, are you ready to feel old? Just look at these list of songs from 1997

Semi-Charmed Life by Third Eye Blind
Fly by Sugar Ray
I’ll Be Missing You by Puff Daddy
I Believe I Can Fly by R Kelly
The Freshman by the Verve Pipe
Everyday Is A Winding Road by Sheryl Crow

Or check out these movies released that year too:

Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery
As Good as it Gets
Air Force One
Con Air
Chasing Amy
Donnie Brasco
Good Will Hunting
Men In Black
Titanic

Also, just look at all the stories from 1997. Princess Diana and Mother Theresa died within days of each other. Chris Farley died that year as well. Bill Cosby’s son was murdered. The lead singer of  INXS hung himself. Worse yet, the damn Packers won the Super Bowl. Although it was not all bad, the Bulls won their 5th championship. Oj Simpson was found liable in his civil trial for murdering his ex wife and her boy toy. Remember the Heaven’s Gate cult? Well, they held a mass suicide that year. Tony Blair became prime minister of England.

As you may or may not know, our friends used to always go on an annual camping trip.1997 was the year that our friend Rene had the best idea since blow jobs: she suggested that those of us that go camping together start to hang out on a regular basis, and with that, our lives were changed forever. Jt and Rene even dated for a short time. Rene also had a Christmas party that year at her old apartment in which she made everybody get dressed up (ironically, now she doesn’t like to dress up for our Thanksgiving, but for some reason, it was all the rage to dress up that year). Randy and Kathie got married that year. Todd and Pam did too and as a matter of fact, their wedding is where Jt and Scooty met.

Camping was a really tough year that year. It was Dave’s first year of camping. Before we left, I told him what would become a classic line “Don’t do anything to not get yourself invited back for next year.” Well………let’s just say he did something that made him not be invited back the next year, although he did redeem himself over the course of the next year just enough to be invited back. Cara went camping with us that year too, just about 4 months after her daughter was born. It was her only year going, mainly because she cheated on her husband while she was up there and I did not want her to go again. We should have known camping would be bad that year, when we first got there, as we were unpacking a funnel cloud was spotted in the area. It was Gordon’s first year of camping which made for some crazy memories. Also, when we got back from camping, we found out that my dog had died.

In August of ’97 I was in my first car accident. Cara was driving her father in law’s uninsured pick-up truck with me in the middle and her 6 month old daughter in a car seat in the passenger seat. A few months later, I was in another accident, this time Rob was driving. I happened to be wearing the same Homer Simpson shirt in each accident, needless to say, I haven’t worn it since. In October, Dave and I had the most fun job we ever, had working at a haunted house. I swear, it was the most fun anybody could have for $6 an hour. I was a clown that heckled people as they waited in line. I called myself “Heckels The Clown” and later on, it became my email address, screen name and Xanga name.

It was also the year that Jt, Dave and I took our first road trip together, going to Ho-Chunk Casino in Wisconsin, which is a story in itself. We then started to take sporadic, spur of the moment road trips to Ho Chunk.And I mean spur of the moment, one time Jt and I were eating at Denny’s late at night when he realized that he forgot his wallet at work. So, we drove all the way back up to Downers Grove to get it. We were about to get back on the expressway when he said “well, since we are near the expressway, we might as well go to Ho-Chunk” and off we went, 3 hours north to the casino. Later in the year, we talked about going to the Mall of America. One day in December, I got a phone call from Dave saying “pack your bags, the bus to Mall of America leaves in 20 minutes.” An hour later, he and Jt were at my house. Dave had “borrowed” his mom’s car. I never had so much fun as when I took that trip with them 2. We were just 3 goofy guys from Chicago wandering around a very big mall, interacting with everybody that we came into contact with. I know this might sound boring, but we had so much fun. We also stopped at 3 casinos on the trip. In fact, on the way up there, during breakfast, we were trying to predict celebrity deaths in the next year. The first person I predicted would die within the next year was Chris Farley. Less then a week later, he was dead.

1997 was also the first time Dave and I saw Dae play. He was a guy that we eventually became friends with. He used to sing and play acoustic guitar every Sunday at North Beach in Downers Grove. The funny part was that Dave, John and I went up there to play volleyball the night before Labor Day. I liked the music and on the way out, Dae tried to sell me one of his tapes. Being unemployed, when I found out it cost money, I just shrugged him off. Yet, the next week and for many weeks after that, Dave and I started going not to play volleyball, but to hear him play.

The summer of 1997, Dave and I were both unemployed and Jt was working 2nd shift. We found ourselves hanging out a Denny’s just about every night of the week until the wee hours of the morning. We spent as much as 6 hours a night there, even become friends with some of the other customers. We would all go up there every night and just hang out, talking and solving all the world’s problems and just generally acting goofy. I have so many fond memories of that summer.

1997. It was a crazy, life changing year.

Friday night I met a guy I have been chatting with for a while by the name of Joe. It was agreed that I would pick him up at 7 in the pm. So, I showed up at exactly 5:38am and for some reason he didn’t answer the door. So, I pretended like I was getting the shit beat out of me and started screaming really loud. Finally he came outside and told me that he had been sleeping and asked me to come back at the agreed upon time. So, after work, I headed to his house. I managed to get a little bit lost on the way there. Yeah, it turns out Mapquest directions suck. Nevertheless, I called him and he quickly got me unlost. Although, to be honest, its probably not right to blame Mapquest, seeing as they were not the ones that had the idea of me driving with my eyes closed. Anywho, because I was utterly clueless as to where his house was,  he was standing outside flagging me down from his porch like I was a cab driver. Soon he got in the car and I could see he was kind of funny looking, nothing like I had expected. For starters, he was black and looked like he was about 78 years old. He also was a woman. Shit. I picked up the wrong person! I quickly sped up to about 60mph and slammed on the breaks. She slammed forward and almost went through the windshield, but instead just smashed her head real hard. I opened the door and pushed her out right in front of his house. He got in the car and we drove around for a second trying to decide where we would go. We ended up at a tiny, nearly empty Chinese restaurant. He said that he had been going there since he was a little kid, which must have been true because the hostess chick knew him by name and was very friendly to him. She even gave him a hand job. Good for him. Anywho, I had some sort of………..uh…………….food? He, on the other hand, had another kind of food. My meal was very good and I can only assume that his was good too, he didn’t throw up afterwards and also may have mentioned that it was good.

Now we had to decide what to do after dinner. I suggested that we get in my car and drive it off a cliff or steep incline. He didn’t think that was a good idea, what with the price of gas nowadays and as we all know, free falling off a cliff uses a lot of gas. So, instead, we went back to his house to watch the Bulls game. That’s right, 2 gay guys that like to watch basketball. I guess I should say that he lives in a small house that was built so long ago that it didn’t have a bathroom, but instead an outhouse. It was a cute little place, perfect for a single guy and his dog. Although he does not have cable, the picture came in really good because he has a rather large atenna (spelling please……….its amazing, I don’t think I have ever had to write that word) and you know what they say about guys with large attennas………..they get good reception! For some reason he insisted that I watch the game completely naked, which normally wouldn’t be a problem except that it was 58 degrees in his house. I got even though, I built a small bonfire right behind his couch. Anywho, we watched the game while having all sorts of conversations, mostly about how many different ways one can fold a napkin. Anywho, I had a nice time.

Yesterday was our guys day/night out. I had been trying to plan this damn thing for a few weeks, but not a single person responded to the damn email. So, come yesterday, we had no idea what to do. I was pushing hard for going to a piano bar in downtown Chicago, but John and I were the only ones that had any interest in going. Mark was afraid of going into the city and Dave, who has always LOVED piano bars (as Dave has always said about piano bars “its a guaranteed great time) all of a sudden said something along the lines of a bunch of guys going together to a piano bar sounded gay. I don’t quite understand this, its not like the place would not have any females. Besides, with our group of friends, its really tough to get both the guys and girls together because most of the couples have kids. Anywho, Dave said we should all just meet at Brunswick Zone about 3:30 so that we can discuss what we want to do. John and I picked up Dave shortly after 3 and were there by about 3:40ish. We walked into the bar area which is actually pretty cool. There is a neat fire pit with large, how should I describe………..one seater love seats. There is also an  area that has a couple of couches with those same type of seats and a coffee table. Soon, Mark arrived and I had an idea of playing 99, since I always have a deck of cards in my car. I went out to get them and Jt arrived and soon we started playing. Long story short, somebody won, but I will be damnned if I can remember who won. What was so funny about this, is that somehow, Heather kept forgetting to take a card, which was weird since she wasn’t even there!

After playing 99, we went into the arcade area and played some video games. They have a cool trivia game with really easy trivia questions and you can win TONS of tickets playing this game. Of course, I played the most games, but Mark, Jt and John also played a game or 2 as well. I wound up with over 100 tickets from playing this game which I gave to some kids in the arcade. After that, we went back to the bar and discussed what we were going to do. Lance called and said that he was on his way up there. We started to play a darts. Since we had only 5 people, Jt had an idea of having each one of us throw a dart and whoever had the highest dart would be on a team by himself. I threw first and purposely bumped into Mark so that it would be a bad throw and I would have a teammate. I guess from now on, I’m going to start bumping people when I throw, because I hit a fucking triple twenty! Fuck it anyway, I can’t hit that when I’m aiming, but when don’t want to hit it and all of a sudden I hit the damn thing. Anywho, I played about half the game without a teammate when Lance showed up and he was put on my team. I immediately apologized. Anywho, long story short with the games, we played 4 games of cricket all of which were very close. Each team had won one game, when we decided to play one last tiebreaker. Lance and I got out to a quick, big lead, but eventually lost a heartbreaker. Being down in points and still needing to close the 15s, he scored some points and now had points. With his last dart, he hit a damn fucking triple 15 and won! Fucker.

As for dinner, after much debate, we decided on a Chinese buffet in Romeoville. We got there about 8 and started to eat. Good food, I had eaten there once before. As you might imagine, with 6 guys, most of them nearly drunk and one of those guys being Dave, we got a bit loud and obnoxious. I’m not even going to say what we were talking about during dinner, but lets just say it was pretty damn funny. I swear, Dave is like Borat. He is crude, offensive and yet, funny as hell.

I really wanted to go out somewhere, but I was overruled and we all (except John) played cards. Yadda yadda yadda, I left Dave’s house shortly after 2. Shit, I don’t feel like writing anymore, you guys are on your own to finish this.

Shit, I almost forgot this. At Dave’s house, Mark and Jt needed some ice for their rum and coke. So, Dave came walking out with a HUGE bag of ice which was pretty much just one solid block of ice. In true Dave fashion, he was using a meat cleaver to attempt to break off pieces of ice. I thought this was something only Dave would do, but Mark and Jt were using it to chip pieces of ice as well.

I went to the doctor yesterday for a routine physical. He tells me I’m as healthy as can be, although I haven’t gotten the results back yet from my blood test for cholesterol and all that jazz. This got me to thinking, maybe I’m too healthy. A while back, I made a decision that I’m going to develop an addiction of sorts. So I tried everything, starting with cigarettes. They did nothing but make me cough. Alcohol made me piss. A lot. Crystal meth had no effect, when I realized that it was actually just brown sugar mixed with blue koolaide and cement. Nothing seemed to be working, which really didn’t make sense since my mom was addicted to gambling and my dad an alcoholic and they both smoked. A lot. . If there is an addiction gene, than any addiction should be right up my ally. Shit, with parents like that, I should have come out of the womb shaking and in dire need of a nic fix. But, no. Still, I never give up on my goals. I’m proud to say, I’m now addicted to caffeine! Good ol’ coffee! I used to never drink coffee. As I got into my twenties, I would drink it occasionally. When I started my current job and I had to be up early every morning, I started drinking it 2 days a week, Mondays and Fridays, because the previous nights were the ones which I had the least amount of sleep. Soon I was up to about 3, maybe 4 cdays a week. Now that my hours have changed to be starting at 8:motherfucking-cocksucking15 in the stupid fucking morning, I’m up to drinking it 5 days a week! Granted its only a cup a day. I think it qualifies as an addiction because I when I don’t have it, I more tired then when I do. Plus,  I have not had any since Tuesday and yesterday and today I have had headaches, which some consider a side effect of withdrawals. Still,  I never would have started the damn addiction if I didn’t think it would kick ass, and so far it does. Now, I’m a naturally hyper person, you can’t shut me up for a good portion of the day. But, once I have a cup of coffee in me, I take it to another level. Oh, how I pity my co workers. What is even worse is when I mix the coffee with hot chocolate, I’m jumping off the walls when I do that.

Another reason why I wanted an addiction is that people with addictions can do anything and get away with it. All they have to do is blame the addiction and go into “rehab” and everything is ok. It makes me wonder, what can I get away with now that I have a coffee addiction. Maybe I can finally come to work naked, I can say I was going through such bad withdrawals that I couldn’t get dressed, I need to get to work as soon as possible to coffee. Another idea is to speed and no longer stop at red lights. My excuse there is that the addiction has such a grip on me, that driving recklessly is the only high that can compete with caffeine. If I were a bigger person I could start beating the shit out of people at random. Shit, I’ve got all this energy from the coffee that I have to use it somehow and what better way than beating on the face of the old man that has voted Republican since Nixon was in office. Also, the caffeine addiction pretty much can give me a blank check to masterbate wherever and whenever I want. I can’t come up with a valid enough reason, except to say that shit, sometimes a good tug in the middle of the day is all you need.  I’m just saying if others can spew anti-Semetic hate, try to pick up teenage boys that work for you, drive drunk, go without underwear and shave your head and all of it be justified because of some sort of addiction, than why can’t I have my piece? And its not like I haven’t had addictions before. Back in the 1990s I had a severe addiction to collecting business cards. A few years ago, I became obsessed with watching sprinklers go back and forth. So look out everybody, because from now on, I going to be greeting everybody by grabbing their genitals until I beat this caffeine addiction!