I need to find the time to post something really funny, as I feel that I have been lacking in a good, opinionated and funny (ok, at least I think its funny) post but just haven’t had the time. Also, I find the need to post about other things, such as my semi-boring ass life. Take today for example. I come home to find out that the improvements I made from my code violations was not good enough. Ok, the problem here is that the violation said that the garage fascia needed to be painted. So, I painted it, in spite of the fact that it clearly needs to be replaced. That being said, I did exactly what they told me to do. So, I got a letter today and they said I’m still not in code because it needs to be repaired and I have 5 days to correct it. Also, they said my fence needed to be painted, however they did not specify which fence it was. So, I painted the gate that can be seen from the street. I guess that wasn’t good enough for those fuckers. So, tomorrow I will call them.

In the meantime, check this out. These kids are walking across the country to protest the bullshit war we are in. For those of you in IL, they are in our fine state right now. I’m planning on donating to their cause and was originally hoping to meet up with them, but I don’t think that is going to happen. I think it is really cool what they are doing even if it doesn’t make a damn bit of difference seeing s President Shit For Brains is enjoying this war watch to much to even consider ending it. Nevertheless, go to the website and check these kids out. Here is the link:

http://www.marchforpeace.info/Home_Page.html

Don’t have time for a long post, so I will just post this funny ass Simpsons clip.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=8hfS2336SJg

Today’s Simpsons clip is of one of my favorite characters, Ralph Wiggum. Ok, so everybody loves Ralph, here is one reason why.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=Z647nnwjRyw

A girl at my work who is our department’s clerical support (she is kinda of like a secretary, except she won’t bring us coffee and refuses to wash my car) won employee of the month. See, fellow co-workers nominate somebody for employee of the month and a couple of months ago I had an idea to nominate her. I took it a step further to get everybody in my department to nominate her. After that, I found out that a guy I’m friends with nominated me. I didn’t know who to root for, but I was hoping she would win because she is wonderful and really deserves it. The catch for me though, was that a couple of weeks after I was nominated (but before they made the choice for who wins) the dude that nominated me got fired. Something tells me if the person nominating you gets fired, that is not a good sign. When I think about it though, it would have been a classic Mike thing to win employee of the month after being nominated by a guy that got fired. The only other person that has that kind of luck is Dave.

Am I the only damn person in the damn world that doesn’t constantly have headphones stuffed in my ears? It seems like everybody at work has headphones on, and most of them are the headphones of the small variety. Shit, even the hot guy at work that I’m trying to sleep with (assuming he is gay) has them in his ears. And it seems like these people never take them out, they walk in the halls and lunchroom with them in. Shit, they even go to the can with them in their ears. Actually that doesn’t sound like a bad idea, I mean the last thing you want to hear is somebody’s tinkle spray or somebody struggling to pass a block of shit. But nevertheless, I just don’t know how these people can listen to music that they really like all day long and not sing. At all. Never. Shit, I don’t listen to music ever at work and I spend a good portion of my day singing. Ok, so I know some people might listen to music so they don’t have to hear my singing. But, most of these people are people that I don’t work around so they don’t have to put up with my antics all day long. I’m just saying its like they have become robots, totally immune to music. Of course, they also might be doing this just to avoid any sort of interaction with co-workers, which might not be a bad idea. But it just seems like we went from a world in which a small percentage of people used headphones to a majority of people and its all because of those tiny headphones that I can never manage to keep in my tiny ass fucking ears.

I guess I should apologize to Heather, she is one of the headphone people too.

I wanted to post more today, but the Cubs game ended late and then Dave called. I guess I shouldn’t complain, the Cubs did win, and against the Cardinals no less. That being said, all I have is a Simpsons clip from You Tube. I was trying to find the clip where Homer makes Bart butter his bacon, but they did not have it. So, you will just have to settle for this clip, assuming you care enough to watch it.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=X_7mnRsLrs4&mode=related&search=

Anywho, that’s all for now people. Hopefully the Cubs will kick some Cardinal ass tomorrow and I can write a real post.

Ahhhhh, Simpsons week continues for me. Here is one of my all time favorite scenes, which is funny as hell. Perhaps I find it so funny because I relate to it so much. Its Homer playing cards.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kYRhn2nyihc

In the scene right after this that is not on this clip, Homer is telling the story to his family and he says a line in which I use all the time when I play cards: “As usual I was winning and not knowing it…..”. See, I have a habit of doing a lot of stupid shit when I play cards and literally have had countless Homer moments in which I think I lose a hand and upon further review of my wonderfully honest friends, I have actually won the hand. Shit, Dave and Jt can tell you tons of times in which the exact same situation has happened to me with Dave and Jt being disgusted at losing to a guy who didn’t even know he won the hand.

I have realized something though, for as long as I have been writing this blog, I honestly don’t think I have written much about the Simpsons and I know for a fact that I have never dedicated an entire post to the show. Well, today is that day. See, as you probably know by now, I have what some consider an unhealthy obsession with the show. Sure, I’ve got all of the dvds, many of the toys and other memorabilia, but I also have probably about 10 Simpsons shirts about 6 pairs of Simpsons boxers and even Milhouse pajama pants. Hell, I even have an x-ray of Homer’s head (thank you very much, Scooty!) I never set out to be one of those people that collects everything, you know, like a Star Trek geek that collects all of that shit. But, I see these things and they just say or do the funniest shit that I have to have them. Other people are moved by certain bands or other celebs, I just happen to be moved by the Simpsons. No matter how upset or sad I am, I can always count on the Simpsons to make me laugh and take my mind off of things for at least a little bit. When my mom was sick and dying in the hospital, I can remember watching the Simpsons in the waiting room and just having a chance to laugh and get my mind off of the living hell that my life had become. On those rare days that I’m sick and have to miss a day of work, if I’m able to I park myself in front of the tv and have a Simpsons marathon until I pass out. When I’m lost driving down a lonely, dark road at night, I can press dashboard Homer to help make light of the situation. I know this all sounds creepy and weird, but just think about the things that help you cope with a bad situation. Some people use alcohol, others use their spouses, some people beat the shit out of things. I watch the Simpsons. And because there have been over 400 episodes of the show, I can use it to relate to just about anything. And unlike the Cubs, they don’t inflict this sick, twisted form of misery on me.

The show really transcends tv and generations. Honestly, its so damn rare to find somebody of our generation that does not like the show or at least seen a few episodes that they find funny. All of  my friends love the show Friends (although I never got into it) so that is probably the show that most represents my group of Friends. But, Friends has always been a show that has appeal to pretty much only white Generation X-ers. Nothing wrong with that, I’m just using it as an example.  The Simpsons on the other hand, it transcends age, race, gender, money, political parties and religion. I used to work with a guy who was well into his 60s who love the show and then there is my 9 year old niece who loves it as well. When Jt went to Australia, I asked him what they thought of American pop culture and he said they loved the Simpsons. Want proof? Just go to YouTube and type in the Simpsons and you would get clips in several different languages. It is an art form whose influence can be felt in many places. One can almost make the argument that they are the Beatles of sitcoms. I’m not saying its the greatest show of all time, but it certainly belongs in any discussion among greatest shows. Now I know that the past 3 or 4 years it has not been at its best, in fact, there have been more than a few crappy episodes in that time frame. But, when you look at it collectively, it truly is an amazing show.

I don’t mean to go overboard with this, but I have waited 18 years for this movie and I want to give it its due. Now I hope like hell the movie doesn’t suck.

With the release of the Simpsons movie this week, I’m going to have some links for some funny clips from the show. Here is one that I have always found funny, its the Jebus clip.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=mwzroFrtwSM

Yesterday morning I got a call from Danel, she wanted to stop by in the afternoon with her Goddaughter, Kennedy. She got here about 2ish and we watched a little bit of the Cubs game before she started bitching about how she didn’t want to watch the Cubs game. So, I told her we should go to the Kwik-E-Mart in Chicago. We called up her former boss at AAA who is a HUGE Simpsons fan and headed into the city. The drive went pretty quick, as there was not much traffic. We got there and the place had a decent amount of people in the parking lot, people taking pictures of the sign and building. There were even some people that drove from Missouri to see it. Ok, I have to be honest, I’m not positive they were from Missouri, but they had Missouri plates and one of them was wearing a Cardinals hat. On top of the building right next to the sign was Bart and Milhouse drinking Squishees.  On the front of the building was Marge walking out with a couple of bags of groceries. We walked in and right near the door was all of the Simpsons stuff, like Buzz Cola (which tastes just like RC) and Simpsons Monopoly, among many other things. Throughout the store there were Simpsons characters, such as Chief Wiggum and Apu, who was behind the counter. The coolest thing, though, was the frozen old man in the freezer. There was an episode where Jasper, one of Grandpa’s friends, freezes himself in the Kwik-E-Mart freezer, so I thought this was very cool. Of course, there was a pink donut which as it turns out, kinda tastes like crap. Ok, maybe not crap, but it just doesn’t taste as good as you would think. In the show, there is purple fruit filling  (Homer to Lisa “Purple’s a fruit”) inside the donut, but in real life, there is nothing inside, which sucked. As for the Squishees, they were pretty much just Slurpees, which are always good. I wound up spending $20 there, buying 6 cans of pop, the donut, a Squishee, a Radioactive Man comic book and a Simpsons pen. I can imagine this is going to make the owners of each 7-Eleven lots of money. After we had been in there for a few minutes, there were so many people inside that Apu (there was a guy working there that had an Apu nametag) mentioned he might have to stop people from coming in until more people left the store.

As we were leaving, Kennedy had to make so we needed to find a place for her to go. So, we wound up at a Dunkin Donuts/Baskin Robbins not to far away. They had a couch with a table and some chairs that we were able to sit at and hang out for a couple of hours. We talked a lot about work and some of the losers we used to work with.  I wound up getting some ice cream which totally kicked ass. What didn’t kick ass was that at one point, I sat down in a chair that was right next to a ledge that I did not see. I put my head back and WHACK! right the fuck on the ledge. It hurt and gave me a headache for the rest of the night, but I’m fine now. We hung out there until about 5:30 or 6 when we came home.

After I got home I went to get gas and grab a movie from Hollywood video. While I was leaving, I ran into Vic, his pregnant wife (due August 11) and his daughter, Gabrella. This was the first time I had seen her in probably 7 years. She is 10 now and of course, she doesn’t remember me. She got out of the car and I said hi, hoping for a hug. She instead, gave me a handshake. I guess that’s ok. I sat there talking to them for about 5 minutes before going on my way. Gabrella gave me a half hug as I was leaving, which was cool.

I always feel weird around Vic, like I’m responsible for his first marriage to Cara breaking up. See, he thinks I slept with Cara, which obviously I didn’t because I’m gay. But, I feel guilty about something I did not do, for some reason. I have never told him that I didn’t sleep with her, it would just be too weird for me to just come out and say that, after all, it would just make me look like I did it.  At one point, he and I were pretty good friends and ever since the break-up, we aren’t really friends anymore. I realize that I can get him to believe me by just coming out to him, but I think at this point, we are past that and can never get back to where we once were.

Today we played baseball, at least until we got kicked off the field because they were going to be using it for a softball game. I  was feeling pretty good, the pulled muscle in my chest seems to have fully healed. I had no issues swinging the bat at all, even getting on base a few times.

I just don’t feel like writing anymore right now. Also, nothing else really happened.

All right people, this is it. The picture I have been waiting YEARS for. Are you ready?

Is that fucking awesome?

All right, obviously none of you can hear this, but if whoever the fuck in my neighborhood doesn’t shut that dog up, I’m gonna snap. The dog isn’t barking as much as he/she is whining g and crying. Now I don’t know if the dog is being mistreated or just needs attention. I mean, its not like I live down the street from Michael fucking Vick. But still, I can hear that dog and I have no idea where he is.

Have you seen this video of the Philadelphia Phillies and the Colorado Rockies and a rain delay that happened? This was in Denver mind you and the rain was starting to come down so the grounds crew was putting the tarp down when things got very windy. So windy, as you will see in the video, one of the guys on the grounds crew was being dragged by the tarp. So, the Phillies players ran out onto the field and helped the grounds crew. Mind you, the Phillies were the visiting team, shit the Rockies players didn’t even go on the field to help their own grounds crew. The Phils have more losses than any other team in the history of professional sports, but they get a lot of credit in my book. Even they were struggling with the tarp. Now if only they would take steroids, they would be strong enough to pull the tarp and maybe actually win some games. Anywho, here is the link

http://youtube.com/watch?v=pDpiEFHHeHo&mode=related&search=

You know, I never quite understood how colors can be gender specific. For example, with babies, blue is for boys and pink for girls. That’s the way it is, its always been that way and it will probably never change. Yet, why the fuck is that? See, once you get older, blue is for everybody but pink…………shit, pink still gets the raw end of the deal. If a guys wears pink, all of a sudden he is gay or a pussy. When a female wears blue you don’t hear people calling her a butch or saying she is tougher than a linebacker. So, for the most part, pink goes unused for the male population and everybody is fine with it. But, it doesn’t have to be. After all, the Pink Panther is a male (at least, I have always assumed he was, I’m sure Heather can confirm that for me…………I think she has naked pics of the panther) and Aerosmith has a song called “Pink” in which Steven Tyler sings that it is favorite color, for obvious reasons. Which leads me to my next point. Ever hear of the term “pink taco”? Well, its a term that refers to a part of a female’s body. And nothing is more masculine for most guys (at least, straight guys) than spending quality time with the pink taco. Now I can’t come up with other masculine pink references, but I think this is a good start to drag pink out of the closet and make it cool and acceptable for guys to wear.

The Cubs have been on a roll lately and although I’ve tried to contain my excitement, its hard. Anywho, they played the Giants tonight and Barry Bonds did not start due to “general soreness.” I wonder if General Soreness is any relation to Sgt Steroids? Bonds did pinch hit and of course, as soon as he came out of the dugout, the whole place started booing This made me happy, because I HATE Bonds. But, what I didn’t understand is how these people could be booing him but also take his picture? There were flashes going off throughout the ballpark. Is it just me, or is that a tad bit hypocritical? I would say they are just a bunch of stupid Cub fans, but something tells me this happens all across baseball in any town he visits.

The rest of this post is going to be one big anti Bush rant. First of all, there was the Bush Abomination’s own report card on the Iraqi government, which shows that out of the 18 benchmarks the Iraqi government was supposed to meet, they have only met 8 of them. That’s not even 50%, and lets face it, in what other walks of life can less than 50% be acceptable? For example, how long would a doctor last if he or she were less than 50% accurate on diagnoses? Or how about an airline that is only on time 50% of the time? Now that being said, Bush said that his plan “needs more time”. Because this was his own report, it makes me wonder, do you think the Abomination fixed the report to make it look worse than what it actually is so that they can use the excuse “we need more time?” I would never put anything past Bush. Still, it should be obvious to even people that don’t pay attention to shit that things aren’t going good and we need a change. See, my thing is, if a doctor was wrong 50% of the time, he would be fired, right? So, my question is, what the fuck are we waiting for?

Now here is a story you might have missed. Last week, former Surgeon General Dr Richard Carmona (who held the post until 2006) testified before Congress. Here are some of the things he said. He said that he was prohibited from speaking about condom use because the Bush Abomination believes in abstinence only sex education. He was told not to speak about stem cell research. He was refused permission to make a speech at the Special Olympics because that was seen as helping a political opponent. Is it just me, or is this fucking nuts? How can Bush censor a professional, somebody that he hired to do a job? This is flat out irresponsible. What if this doctor had some positive findings about stem cell research? It seems to me that Bush doesn’t want what is best for the country, but only to protect his beliefs and further his causes. That, to me, goes against everything that a president should be. Call me old school, but I have always felt very strongly that its an elected official  duty and obligation to put the people before his own ideas? This is just another reason why Bush is probably the worst president this country has ever known. I can go on and on about this, but I have to go.

I’M BACK, BABY!!!! I guess I should give a brief summary of the week. Saturday is when my hard drive passed away. Since I just bought the computer in September of last year, it was still under warranty. So I called HP and long story short, they sent me out a new hard drive. They didn’t, however, send me recovery and/or start up discs, which I had to call back and order. Until I get them (which really should be any day now), I won’t have sound and will be very limited as to what I can do. That being say, most importantly, I can get on the internet, however I won’t be going to many site because I don’t currently have a virus protector. On the other hand, when you are started from scratch, there is nothing to wipe out. Scooty tried recovering everything from the old hard drive, but we were not able to get anything. Fortunately, we still have 3 of our old hard drives (we have gone through so many hard drives that at this point, I think it is something we are doing). which we can pull shit off of, it just won’t be anything from the last 8 months. Then again, do we really have anything to save besides porn?

Sunday Dave, Kelli and I went to the Taste of Chicago. This was the first time just the 3 of us went, previously we had always had at least one other person go with us. As usual the food was great, but the best thing I had was Italian ice from some place. Perhaps it was so good because it was so fucking hot outside or maybe it was just that good, either way, it totally kicked ass. Another that that kicked even more yellow ass is that to promote the Simpsons movie, they had the Simpsons living room, in which you could sit on the couch next to the family and have your picture taken. Once I get my computer all set up, I will post the pic.

Also, it became official this week at work, I got a promotion effective August 6. It is a pretty good bump in pay and I will pretty much be the equivalent of an assistant supervisor. This means that I will have people that will sort of be reporting to me. I have waited a long time and worked very hard to get this position, so needless to say I’m pretty excited about it.

That’s all for now. Not updating for a week really made me realize how boring a life I actually lead. Maybe I should liven things up by committing some crimes. Nah, I’m not man enough to do time in prison.