I have a friend, Tom, who is in the Air Force and recently returned from Iraq. His wife and kids are in Louisville and he was able to come home a couple of weeks early because his wife, Julie, had major back surgery. One of the tv stations in Louisville was there to capture his return on video and here is the link:

http://www.whas11.com/sharedcontent/VideoPlayer/videoPlayer.php?s=y&vidId=176762&catId=49

GREATEST. VIDEO. EVER.

I’m very happy for them that he is home and all of our friends are relieved that he made it through the death hole that is Iraq safe and sound. Tom has always been one of the more interesting people I have ever known and hopefully, they will be able to make it up here before he is stationed somewhere else (I think he is going to North Carolina next). Ideally, I would love all of us to Louisville and see them, but honestly, that is a pipe dream right now, what with kids in school and planning a trip with my friends is never easy.

Thursday night at Clem’s, Heather, Toby and I were sitting at the bar talking amongst ourselves. I mentioned somebody about Scooty (a friend of ours, it is his nickname) and my niece Addison. This drunken biker dude sitting next to us decided that he wanted to dip in the conversation and asked what “Scoobys and Addison is”. This is how I, with a straight face, responded:

Me: “Its a nasty disease that my brother had when we were growing up. Its a really bad rash that gets under the toe nails.

Biker jackass: “Ewwwww, that sounds awful.”

Me: “Oh yeah, it was. Very painful, only cure is to put some sort of balm underneath the toenails.”

Biker jackass (with a pained look on his face): “Oooooo. I have a friend who is tough as nails who had gout in his feet, now I don’t know what that is, but it was really painful.”

The whole time, Toby and Heather sat there fighting not to laugh, in fact, Heather turned away from the biker dude and started to laugh. It was classic and the best part is that this guy was none the wiser.

Last night I hung out with Craig, we went on our third date. I got to his house about 7:30ish and we wound up going to a sports bar in Homer Glen called Pelican Pete’s? Larry’s? I dunno, it was Pelican something. We watched the Cubs game and when that was done, watched the Brewers. After they lost and the Cubs won the division, we went back to his house and watched tv for a little while.

That brings me to the Cubs!!! I’m so excited that they are back in the playoffs. Back in ’03 after they lost, I said something that as a Cub fan, was very dumb. Shortly after they were eliminated, I said “Although this really sucks and really hurts, they are a good young team, they should be back in the playoffs next year and contending for several years.” Ok, so things didn’t exactly go the way I said they would for the next 3 seasons. Let’s just pretend they didn’t happen and hopefully they can make me forget about those years. I know that realistically, they probably won’t win the World Series and might not even get out of the first round. But, the mere fact that they are there is enough to get me excited. GO CUBS!!!

I was thinking and I guess its only fair that I list what I have to offer for a best friend as well. Just take a look at what you are getting:

1. A designated driver most of the time. Sure, I drink from time to time, but an overwhelming majority of the time, I’m the driver. For example, with Dave, I’m always more than happy to drive because I strongly feel that any time I can stop Dave from driving, I’m doing society a huge favor. Those of you that have seen him behind a wheel know what I mean. Of course, that’s when he is sober, who knows how he would be driving drunk. He is whole ass backward, maybe he would actually be a better driver drunk than sober.

2. You never have to worry about competing with me for chicks. In fact, I’m pretty much the perfect wing man. I consider myself good looking enough to at least attract some sort of attention, yet, I’m not nearly good looking enough to be a distraction for other guys. And most girls like guys that are physically strong and since I struggle to carry a case of Pepsi, you should be fine in that department. Also, I’m funny and that helps to keep the girls around. Once they find out I’m gay, they are disappointed and would look to you to help fill that disappointment. At that point, its a slam dunk, in fact, maybe you can even have a threesome with the girl that was interested in me and the one that was interested in you. Plus, since I’m the usually the DD, you don’t have to feel guilty about leaving me to find my own way home while you bag Brittney and Paris in some back ally.

3. Catch all the big games at my house in HD on my big screen tv. Ok, so this one is completely material, if I have the tv I might as well use it to my advantage.

4. You can pretty much dominate me at every sport. And since I always try my hardest, it will seem halfway legit for you. For at least the first 5 minutes, after that you will probably get sick of me and put me out of my sporting misery.

5. Reliability. You can pretty bank on me being on time for wherever we are going. Of course, the downfall to that is I get pissed if you aren’t on time or not ready to go when I pick you up, but at least you aren’t sitting there waiting and thinking “shit, did he blow me off to blow some guy?”

Really that’s all I have to offer. I know, kind of pathetic, only 5 things. But, most guys would love to have only numbers 1 & 2 and be totally happy. That’s what I like about guys, easy to please.

I bought my tickets last night for the Cubs game in Cincinnati on Saturday, pending them having a chance to clinch the division that night. Of course, they are doing everything possible to blow things enough so that they clinch on that day. A lot of Cub fans are panicked right now but I’m not to that point…………yet. During tonight’s loss, I found myself yelling at the tv during the game, but since Milwaukee lost, I’m feeling much better about things. Even if the Brewers had won, I would still not not totally freaking out. See, the Brewers have 4 games left against the Padres, who are a tough team competing for a playoff spot. So in theory, the Brewers will have more to overcome. Plus, the Cubs are still in the driver’s seat because they have the lead. That being said, would it kill them to be the fucking Marlins? As much as I would LOVE to see the Cubs clinch the division in person, I would be much more relaxed the sooner they can get it over with. Right now the magic number is down to 3, which means any combination of Cubs wins and/or Milwaukee losses equaling 3 give the Cubs the division. I know I didn’t explain it all that good, but I’m too tired to go into more detail. All I can say is, GO CUBS.

Ever since Jt and I stopped being friends over 3 years ago, I have had a best friend void in my life. Sure, Dave and I are good friends and before the whole Jt thing, Dave was #2 on the list, so one would think that by default he moves up to number one. Then again, do I honestly have a list of friends like a Letterman Top 10 List? No, but I digress. My friendship with Dave has only weekend since then, a lot of that do to the fact that the 3 of us were such good friends; kind of like the 3 Stooges or 3 clowns at a circus. And sure, I’ve got other good friends, both Keith and Heather are amazing and I have grown very close to them, but they are a pair, kind of like peanut butter and jelly or in terms they can relate to, beer and more beer.  Danel and I were good friends for a while there and sure, we still are, but let’s face it, she is waaaaaay too much of a bible beater and too much into her little “get rich over a gradual course of time scheme” for us to be best friends. Mark and I have become close the past few years and there aren’t many days when I don’t at least hear from him in some manner, but he is also my twin brother and I just don’t believe in people holding multiple titles. So I think I need to find a new best friend, which isn’t easy to do. For starters, any new best friend has to meet some qualifications. Actually, I should probably take applications and list the requirements here. Now I want to be clear, I’m not looking for a boyfriend to fill this role, as I mentioned, no duel roles.  Many people consider their mate to be their best friend, and although that is probably true, those people usually also have a best friend who they hang out with with and without their spouse. What I’m looking for is an actually best friend to replace the fired Jt and the not up to the task Dave. So, here are some of the requirements:

1. Must take a drug test. I can’t possibly be friends with one of “those people”. You know what I mean? I can not be friends with somebody who passes a drug test. If the person doesn’t smoke pot on occasion, than they are probably too uptight to want to spend a lot of time with.

2. They must be a straight male. Not to sound sexist, but I have never been best friends with a female. There is just something about a guy having another guy as a best friend, I have heard it called a “bro-mance”. With other guys, there is so much less drama, most guys don’t have to say they are sorry to each other but instead just buy the guy a beer to make up for the fight. Plus, since I’m gay, the guy would never have to worry about me sleeping with his woman.

3. No Republicans allowed. For starters, most Republicans don’t approve of gays, so that would make it kinda tough to become good friends. Also, as everybody knows, Republicans are cold, heartless creatures incapable of empathy. Republicans don’t really have best friends, people are usually their friends out of fear or wanting some of their money. Don’t believe me? Think about it, is there anybody alive or dead that can honestly say they consider Rush Limbaugh or Bill O’Reilly their best friend? Honestly. Actually genuinely liking them and enjoying spending as much time with them as a best friend would? Of course not, because no person could ever want to subject themselves to either one of those 2 fucks, except for maybe each other. But, because they are both loud and obnoxious pompous asses, they would never be able to stop yelling long enough to carry on a conversation with each other.

3. Must at least like sports a little; at least to the point of being able to hold a good conversation. What can I say, I love sports. This is part of the reason why Dave can’t be number one. He has a fake, passing interest in sports. How many times do I have to tell him that teams don’t score points in baseball? And I’ve had it with him asking me “who is that guy with Charles Barkley in that cell phone commercial?” Dumbass, its Dwayne fucking Wade, if you don’t know who he is by now, you should lose your man card. Part of the whole best friend thing is going together to a ball game, so although that guy doesn’t have to be a Cub fan, he should at least want to go to some sporting events.

4. One word: gambling! Most of the best times I had with Jt and Dave involve gambling in some sort of way. This is an area in which Dave over excels. Shit, he and I even have a $1000 bet on who will live longer. Personally if I were you, I hop right the fuck on the Mike bandwagon with this one. I’ve been replacing Dave’s filtered cigarettes with non-filtered for years now. The way I see it is that any boyfriend I have will not like both sports and gambling, which is where the best friend picks up the slack. Also, its just another person I can win money from.

5. Must love road trips. For shear fun, nothing beats a guys only road trip. The ideal road trip combines sports and gambling which is why numbers 3 & 4 are so vital to a good friendship. And its tough to find another person who loves to be in a car for such a long time that your ass feels like its been grilled and you are so tired you almost hit that person who you think is a parking meter. Ahhhh, road trips.

Although those are the requirements, like any job application, there are also some things that are preferred. For example, I would prefer a best friend who is not married and doesn’t have any kids. I don’t have a problem with wives and I do love kids, but a wife a kids usually means that the guy can’t stay out until the brink of dawn every weekend or at least until the time Pat Robertson gets back from sucking the blood out of cows and tearing hearts out of live chickens. Something else that would be preferred is somebody who would fit right in with my group of friends, so that we can all hang out together during parties at Scooty’s or at the Compound. And ideally I would like for the guy to live close, it would certainly help in hanging out a lot. I mean, shit, I can’t have him living way the fuck in some dink town like fucking Rochelle.

Geez. I hope I’m not being too picky.

Had a busy weekend, Friday night I played cards at a friend of a friend’s house. Getting there was……….well, let’s just say managed to find the place. At first, I got directions from Scott (another guy I play cards with) leaving from work and going straight to the guy’s house in Plainfield. But, I had extra time, so I stopped off at home first but didn’t get directions from home. I wound up getting lost and turned down a road to turn around. I got a call from Sean who told me that the road I was on could also get me to the house as well. Eventually, I made it to the street the house was on, but here was the tricky part: finding the house. Sean gave me the wrong house number, so there I was, driving up and down this street looking for a house that didn’t exist. I guess it could be worse, I mean, I could have gone to the wrong house altogether which really would have been funny. Since Scott had also given me a house number, I assumed that his was right and my assumptions were correct as I saw Eddie (the guy who owns the house) standing in front of his house. As for the game itself, I got my ass kicked. There was a cute younger guy that was there who seemed like he might be gay. The whole night, we kept looking at each other as if we both knew that each other was gay and wanted to say something to each other. But, at the end of the night, we just went our separate ways.

Yesterday I spent most of the afternoon painting the garage. Ok, I’m getting ahead of myself. We didn’t paint it, but instead just put on one coat of primer. We put another coat on today and hopefully will be able to actually paint it next weekend. Originally, we were planning on going to Cincinnati next Saturday for the Cubs game to hopefully see them clinch, but right now its looking like they will have it wrapped up by then.

I didn’t have plans last night and because I was kinda tired from painting all afternoon, I just rented a few movies. One of them was a documentary called Peace One Day. The filmmaker was a British actor who back in 1999 decided that he wanted to have a day every year in which there was a cease fire worldwide for the entire day. It took him several years to get the UN and supporting countries to get on board with this idea and even though every September 21 is the official day that is celebrated every year, we still have not had a worldwide cease fire day. Its a great idea and concept though, hopefully it will happen one day. In the history of mankind, there as never been a day in which there was not a war or some sort of violence going on. Should he succeed, when you think about, it might be the single greatest accomplishment in the history of mankind. Perhaps I’m overstating it just a bit, but nevertheless, it would be a great achievement. One thing that was weird in the film was that he was at the UN building in New York when 9/11 happened. There was a ceremony marking the signing of the resolution to make September 21 World Cease Fire Day. In what was a very surreal moment, they were still trying to carry on with the ceremony complete with violins being played after both buildings had been attacked. And, of course, they knew they had both been attacked. I just always thought that the whole city stopped and in most cases, evacuated shortly after the 2nd plane hit. It was odd to see them trying to go on with things while mass chaos raged a short distance away.

I totally forgot to mention this last week, but in my football pool last week, I had such a bad week that it was almost legendary. With 16 games, I have a chance at 136 total points. I finished with 17! That’s right, SEVEN-FUCKING-TEEN!!! I have been in pools before, but this is the first year I’m in one where you go against the point spread. Yeah………….I hate it. Next year, no point spread for me.

That’s all for now. GO CUBS!!

I was at the store today and the girl behind the counter sneezed. Now, you are probably asking why this is relevant. Well, she was one of these Mega Christians. Honestly, I can’t confirm that, but she sure as hell looked like it because she was double-crossed. In other words, she was wearing 2 crosses, one small one around her neck and just for extra Jesus-ification, a large one that hung further down towards the middle of her chest. Being an Atheist, of course, I didn’t say “God bless you” but it give me an idea. I think I’m gonna start saying “Satan bless you.” See, people always bless me when I sneeze, even though they know I’m an Atheist (or, even some people who do not know). Of course, it makes little sense to say that to somebody who is not Christian. So, I think it would be funny for me to say “Satan bless you” to somebody who is not a Satanist. Oh, you don’t have to tell me, I know its going to be very offensive and I will certainly piss some people off. But, you have to admit, its going to be funny the first time somebody hears “Satan bless you”. Sure, it won’t be funny to the Mega Christian being blessed, but to those of us who are not believers or are not certifiably Jesus-ly insane, it will be funny. And their reaction will only make it funnier. Shit, I wish I could get it on video to show everybody. If I had a talk show, it would be a classically funny scene.

It safe to say at this point, I’ve got a very serious case of Cubs fever. The games on Monday and tonight were so exciting and the crowd was so into the games and that makes me even more excited. I really believe they are going to go to the playoffs and then, who the hell knows what will happen. Of course, how many times has this team done this to me, I believe and then in the end, I have my heartbroken. And yet, I keep coming back for more. Its ok, its going to be worth it when they finally win, whether its this year or several years from now (and by several I mean, up to 50 years). I’m even considering driving down to Cincinnati next Saturday for the game and then driving home right afterwards. See, they potentially could clinch that day and let’s face it, how many times am I going to get a chance to see them clinch?

I’m also very excited because the garage is VERY close to being completed. I came home today and Toby had all of the siding on. We had to go to Lowe’s to return some plywood and pick up a few last second things. The only thing that remains for him to do is put on the doorknob, put some shit on the roof, install some vents in the fascia and put some wood around the garage door and he will be done. He thinks he should be able to finish that up on Friday. Then I have to paint the wood around the garage door and it will be all done! I feel a lot of gratification, as I have been trying to get this done for 2 years. I’ve had to put up with so much bullshit to get this done that I’m thinking I might have a garage warming party sometime next spring.

So Saturday I woke up at around 6:30 unable to fall back asleep. I tossed and turned for a good hour and a half, debating at which point do I give up and get out of bed. I wasn’t really too hung over, but I did have a headache, I think it was due to the fact that I had not drank much water on Friday at all combined with the beer I drank. Finally about 8:10 in the am, I got up and went for a soak in the hot tub followed by some time in the sauna. Next I had breakfast at the buffet, which was actually pretty cool because they had made to order omelets. After breakfast I showered and because I was not able to get the same room 2 nights in a row, I had to check out of this room and check into another room. Goodbye tv in the bathroom.

After checking in, I met everybody else at TGIF’s where we hung out for a little bit before heading over to the park for Jeff to try to buy a Cardinals jersey.  When we walked out of TGIF’s, there was a parade of Corvettes going down the street, each with signs that said “Support our troops.” I thought it was kinda cool, although I know damn well that each one of those people were probably Bush backers who still continue to support the war. We watched it for a few minutes before heading to the stadium. On the way, we ran into a kid was probably about 5 or 6 who was selling beads to raise money for children’s cancers. He asked for a dollar but Mark reached in his pocket and gave him $3. The boy’s reaction was priceless. He instantly said “$3?” which made it seem like he was disappointed but he followed that right up with an excited “WOW!!!!” So I reached into my wallet but didn’t have any singles. I pulled out a $20 and said “How about this, $20?” The funny part was he was not nearly as excited as he was to get the $3. I think he didn’t understand the amount. I think he thought that because Mark put 3 paper dollars in the jar that it was more than the one $20 bill that I put in there. It was quite funny, actually.

Jeff was unable to get into the stadium store to buy the jersey so we headed back to the hotel to watch the game which had already began. On the way back, we ran into a guy we went to high school with. It was cool to see him, but we didn’t have time to really talk because he was headed to the game.

As with any sporting event, of course there were people that were selling tickets on the street. I was just curious to see what they were going for, maybe we would get some if they were reasonable. Now keep in mind, this was already a game that was now into the 2nd inning, yet there were still assholes trying to sell tickets for $100. I even goofed around with a couple of them and said “you want to pay me $100 to take those tickets?” to which they replied “since you aren’t serious and just playing around then go away.” Well, my thinking is that you can’t possibly be serious as to try to sell me tickets well over the face value  to a game that has already started. Then again, there is always some dipshit that will buy the tickets.

We watched what would turn out to be a very exciting game at the hotel bar. The Cubs would wind up winning on an Alfonso Soriano homer in the 8th inning. Afterwards, we went to Union Station, which has a rather large mall inside of it and is also connected to a hotel. I bought a funny t-shirt that I can’t seem to remember what it says and am too lazy to go get it right now. I also stopped off in a Italian chocolate store for some Italian ice cream and chocolate. There were so many different kinds of chocolate that it was nearly impossible to choose. Somehow though, I managed to limit myself to 8 pieces of chocolate, most of which tasted very good, as did the ice cream.

We walked out of the mall looking to catch a cab. The doormen at the hotel told us there were no cabs available but we could take a limo back to our hotel for $15. Since a cab would cost us about the same, we went with it, riding back to the hotel in style. Personally, I think we should have just beat the shit out of the driver and stole the limo, but in the end, I think we made the right call.

At this point, everybody wanted to do different things. Brian had some shit he needed to get done for work. Jeff wanted to meet up with his family for a little bit. And the girls (meaning Mark and Rusty) wanted to take a nap because they are a bunch of Sally girls who can’t handle staying up late. That gave me time to go to the casino. I always seem to do good in St Louis, in fact, I won the biggest jackpot of my life at a St Louis casino in October of 2000. So I hopped on a shuttle and went to the President casino, which, is kind of a dump to be honest. What was even worse is that for some reason, Missouri law requires that you get a card with the casino. So, I had to wait in line for a stupid fucking card. After about 20 minutes, I was finally in and went straight for roulette. Turns out it wasn’t my lucky day. I lost on roulette and on video poker. It only amounted to about $60, but still, I wanted to win. After losing, I went to their buffet which in my opinion, sucked.

The 2nd game of the doubleheader started at 7:10. So I hauled ass from the casino to the Hooters to meet up with everybody else for the game. It would wind up being the only game the Cubs lost in the entire 4 game series. I can’t complain too bad, they went down to St Louis and took 3 of 4, effectively ending any hopes the Cards had of winning the division.

We left Hooters shortly after 10 to go to a dueling piano bar called Big Bang. It has been several years since I last went to a piano bar and I was really looking forward to this. I love piano bars, I have more fun at piano bars than any other types of bars. Unfortunately, most of my friends are pussies and afraid to go to a bar in the city (Chicago, that is) so I don’t get to go. Anywho, we got there right about 10:30 and the place was FUCKING PACKED. Somehow, we managed to fight our way towards the front near the stage. We didn’t have a table, but the way I see it, neither did about 350 other people. It was hotter than hell in the bar, but I didn’t care. Jeff on the other hand, did care, he Sallied his ass right out of the bar within minutes of us getting there. As for the band, they were amazing, taking requests for money, of course. As with most piano bars, there were several bachorlette parties being celebrated there that night. One of the girls (not the bride) from one of the parties came up to me and asked if I had a condom. I responded no, but I could take off my shirt for them if they wanted. They said sure, and I instantly started to unbutton my Cubs jersey. Everybody found this funny and the girls thought it was sweet. In fact, she even kissed me several times on the lips. I offered to give the bride to be a lap dance, but she turned it down. A couple of hours later, I found myself dancing with one of the bachorlerettes for a song. At this point, the good news was that we actually had a table. The bad news was that the only ones left from our group were Mark and I. It didn’t seem to matter, we were having so much fun. There were still a ton of people left in the bar, all of them singing to just about every song. The place went nuts when one of the guys from the band put on a hat and a huge black wig to look like Slash from Guns N Roses. They did Sweet Child O Mine before following that up with Kayne West’s Golddigger and Naughty by Nature’s Down Wit OPP. Everybody was going crazy for those songs. As for me, I had to have them play American Pie, which would cost me $10. The only other song I had them play was Walk This Way  for which I paid $12. I know it sounds crazy, but was money well spent, they played the hell out of the songs and I enjoyed it.

Finally about 1:40, Mark and I walked back to the hotel. My shirt was still unbuttoned most of the way as I walked, but since I was so fucking drunk, I didn’t even realize how cold it was. This area of the city is called Lacleade’s Landing and it is filled with bars. Even though it was pushing 2 in the am, the streets were still filled with people. It was great. I took the time to drunk call Heather on the way back to the hotel, but because of my constant singing, shouting and hooting, I didn’t have much of a voice left. It was even worse the next morning.

Normally I have a hard time falling asleep at night, even when I drink. Not this night, though. I got back to my room, got undressed, turned on the tv and was out. I even managed to stay asleep until I woke up at 7:30 to turn the tv off. I rolled right back to bed and got up about 9:15 with quite the headache.  Mark called and we all agreed to meet downstairs for breakfast.

Of course, I was the first one down there, but it was way too loud for me. There was a ton of people and they even had a band playing for breakfast. The buffet was $26, so we decided to shop around. We wound up at the Hilton, where we had their more reasonably priced buffet. The food was actually pretty damn good. And, one funny moment had the Cardinals mascot walking in and scaring the shit out of a little girl. Everybody in the restaurant starting laughing when that happened.

When breakfast was done, we went back to the hotel and check out. Because our train was not scheduled to leave until 5, we had a lot of time left. So, I searched the city for AAA batteries for my cd player (yes people, I still carry a cd player instead of an IPOD) and pretzel rods. You would not believe how hard it was to find not only a store, but a store that was opened and that sold either one. I walked around  for over an hour and only found the batteries.

I met everybody back at the hotel bar about 1, where we watched the Cubs game and the Rams game. St Louis was packed this fine Sunday with people going to the Cubs-Cards game and the 49ers-Rams game. Nothing much exciting happened the rest of the trip. We caught our 5pm train and I was home by 10:30.

What a trip though, I hope I can do it again next year.

Well, I’m back from my journey to St Louis. I say that as if you people knew that I was going, when in reality, I had not even mentioned it so therefore, you probably didn’t know. I’ve decided to do something different, instead of trying to fit the entire trip in one post, I will write about it over the next 2 days. I’ll start with Friday and most of Saturday and finish up tomorrow with the rest of Saturday and all of today.

I should start by saying that my brother Mark and his friends have been going to St Louis for the Cubs-Cardinals series for years. And for years, I have been bugging him to take me, but he has always said they don’t have room on the bus for me. This year though, they didn’t have enough people to get a bus, so that meant I was in. When we started planning this trip way back at the start of the season, I was pushing everybody to take a train, which I thought was a pipe dream. Somehow though, I managed to actually talk them into taking the train. Well, just about everybody, Mark’s friend Brian (who looks just like Jon Stewart) refused to take the train and he drove down there. The rest of us (which was 8 of us) went via train. I picked Rusty up at 8:15ish and we headed over to Mark’s house, as he was going to make us breakfast before leaving. After that, we went to Jeff’s house where we met up with everybody else. Jeff’s cousin (at least I think it was his cousin, I really don’t remember, hell it could have been some guy off the street for all I know) drove us to the Joliet train station. Recently I had read an article in the paper that said that only 4% of Amtrak trains from Chicago-St Louis and vice versa were on time. No, I didn’t fuck anything up, you saw that correctly, only 4%. Our train wound up being about 10 minutes late, which was still fairly reasonable. The train was smaller than I had expected, in fact, I think there was a total of only 5 cars. Yet as you might expect, with this being a Cubs-Cardinals series, there were a lot of people on the train, most of them going for the games. There was this bleacher bum looking guy who I’m convinced was homeless and living on the train. There was a younger couple behind us who were going to some place in Arkansas. They seemed to be arguing off and on throughout the trip, perhaps the girl thought her boyfriend was total hick because instead of a suitcase or bag, he was carrying all of his clothes in a clear garbage bag. Still, I had something in common with this dude. He and I both hit our heads getting into our seats. We each had done it twice when I told him that we were tied. Towards the end of the trip, I did it a third time, which makes me wonder how many times I had to do it before I learned. I’m thinking the answer is 3, because I did not hit my head at all the whole ride home.

I had another unique bathroom train experience (read the post from 07/29/07 for the other experience) on the way down there. I got up to go to the bathroom and could not tell if the door was locked. So, I sat down and decided to hold the door shut as I tried to go. I had just sat down and took my hand off the door for a split second when somebody tried opening it. So, I quickly slammed it shut. I thought this was not going to work, so I decided to just hold it until we got to the hotel. Right after I pulled my pants up, it happened again, this time the lady that opened the door was still standing there. The funny part is that neither one of us rushed to close the door, instead we talked for about 10 seconds before I told her that if she didn’t mind, I was going to finish up in here. Flash forward briefly to Friday night. We were at the strip club (yeah, I went to a straight strip club) when I got up to go to the bathroom. I had a good buzz going, so therefore I wasn’t paying much attention to anything. The stall in the bathroom had no handle and therefore, no way to lock it. I just assumed that nobody was in there and opened the door to find a dude sitting there taking a shit. I felt awful about it, but still saw the humor in the whole thing. I mean, like a Seinfeld episode, it totally came full circle from the train ride to the strip club.

Anywho, back to the train ride to St Louis. With about 2 hours left to go, we got a table in the snack car and started to play cards (a game called 99). This was the total party car and it seemed like everybody was drunk and loud. In fact, there was so much alcohol consumed on this train that by the time we got to St Louis, there was not a drop of alcohol left to be sold. It got so bad that Jeff was drinking gin and ginger ale. With alcohol comes the potential for confrontations. There was this 20 something year old guy with a very high voice (no, he was not gay) who was arguing with his uncle about the song “Go Cubs Go”, the uncle, who claimed to be a fan of both the Cubs and White Sox, was arguing that the song was just marketing propaganda from WGN. I know there is no way for me to describe how this whole argument went, but it was funny as hell and classic. It was pretty heated too, complete with yelling and name calling. Jeff recorded part of it with his cell phone and I told him to put it on You Tube. Later on the song will come full circle, but I will get into that later.

We got into St Louis pretty much almost on time, shortly after 3. For some reason, the Amtrak station is not connected to Union Station but instead probably about a quarter of a mile away. I don’t quite understand this, but whatever. The station is located underneath the off ramp for the expressway and in a construction area. In short, its kind of the type of area where the mafia would hide a body. Oddly enough, there were no cabs in the area, so we started to walk towards the hotel. We were able to get a cab along the way though, which made things much easier.

We stood at the Adam’s Mark hotel, which is a pretty nice place. I wound up having a room all to myself, which was cool, it gave me a chance to be as messy and as naked as I wanted to be. What was cool was that not only did my bathroom have a phone, but it also had a tv! Granted, it was a black and white 6 inch tv, but a tv nonetheless.

After checking in, we hung out in the hotel bar for a while before heading to the game. I’ve heard that St Louis might be the best baseball town in America, and I honestly think that might be true. The place is crazy about their Cardinals and its not just because they some how managed to win the World Series last year, it has been Cardinal crazy for as long as I have been coming down there (the first time I was there was in 1996). This was my first Cubs-Cards series and the streets were packed with not only Cardinal fans, but also Cub fans. As for the park, it is really nice, it has an open field feel to it. They even had 1980s cover band playing in the concourse of the park before the game. Our seats were right behind the right field foul pole, 13 rows back. Mark and I were 3 rows behind Jeff, Rusty and Brian. Still the seats were good, however the view of home plate was not good at all. The game was very exciting, the Cubs went into the top of the 9th leading 2-1. They put 2 runs on the board to take a 5-1 lead, which seemed like enough. The Cardinals however, hit a couple of homers in the 9th to make things interesting. They then put a couple of guys on to make things very tense. The crowd was electrified, both Cub fans (including myself) and Cardinal fans cheering and screaming with excitement. The Bob Howry did manage to get the last out, closing out a 5-3 victory for the Cubs.

Now, in Wrigley Field when the Cubs win a game, they play “Go Cubs Go” over the loudspeaker and we fans all sing along. So, I decided to start singing the song as soon as the game was over. I was singing it as we were walking from our seats into the concourse when I saw a Cardinal fan probably in his 40s with his wife come walking towards us. Apparently, this either the song or my singing was quite offensive to him because he quickly grew VERY pissed about it. In fact, he was fighting pissed. Now I know I don’t have the best voice around, but I never thought it was so bad that it was worthy of an ass kicking. He gave me a look and said something to me which I can not remember. He walked in front of us and I continued to sing. He then flipped me off, but I still sang. Now keep in mind, I wasn’t in his face or saying or doing anything to antagonize him, just singing the song as I do after every Cubs victory. Well, now he decides to turn around and start to get in my face. He said something to me about an ass kicking, but honestly, I really wasn’t paying attention, I just kept singing with a big smile on his face. I did say to him that his team had won the World Series last year hoping that would make him realize that compared to the Cards, the Cubs have nothing. But no, he was still pissed. Even to the point where his wife had to push him away from me. The whole time, I never stopped singing. I wasn’t looking for a fight, but wasn’t going to back down either. At this point, we all found it so funny how much rage this guy had for me. The whole time walking out of the stadium, even after I stopped singing, he kept looking back at me like he wanted to come after me. And each time he looked back, I would start singing again. He even got pretty far ahead of us and I could tell he was still very pissed, he was even using his hand to size me up to his wife, as if to say “he is a short fuck, I could totally kick his ass”. For the record, I’m 5’6 and yes, he would kick my ass. But, I’m also walking with 3 other guys, two of which had baseball bats (the hotel gave us vouchers for baseball bats to be engraved at the game. I forgot my voucher at the hotel) who would probably not let it get to a point in which I get my ass totally kicked. Still, it was amazing how pissed off he got. I mean, all I was doing was supporting my team, I wasn’t saying anything mean or ripping on him or his team. Plus, a lot of guys would have gotten in his face and there would have been a fight. I think its safe to say that I ruined his night. I’m not saying that I don’t ever cause trouble, but it just seems like goofy shit like this happens to me on a regular and routine basis.

After that, we went back to the hotel bar for some drinks before heading to the boring ass strip club. I know I said I was going to write about Saturday, but this post is already way too long, so I’m going to write Saturday tomorrow.

Can somebody please explain to me what the big fucking deal is about wearing white after Labor Day? Honestly, I don’t get it. And of course, this means I do wear white after Labor Day because, who gives even a quarter of a fuck? And why is it Labor Day? Why not after Columbus Day? Or maybe after August 23? And why white? Why not red or yellow? What is the rational behind white and Labor Day? The funny part is that the people that seem to care the most are the ones who seem to be the biggest fashion disasters, which I guess in the fashion world, are people that are hip and have it going on, but to the rest of the world they look like complete and utter douche bags. Wow, how’s that for a long run on sentence. And, I can’t remember the last time I used the term douche bag, I mean did I even spell it correctly? But, I digress. These people are the ones who seem to dress the most gaudy and the loudest, with colors that seem to stand out as if to say “I am the human equivalent of casino carpeting.” A lot of times I can figure out the rational behind things, but for the life of me, I can’t quite put a grip on the whole white after Labor Day rational. How could a color go from being completely acceptable on day and then the very next day, it should be avoided at all costs under the penalty of getting made fun of by the Douche Bags of Fashion. Hmmmm…………that almost sounds like it could be a band name, write that one down, I might want to use it if my first choice, Slobercock, is already taken. Come to think of it, Douche Bags of Fashion might actually be the better name. Yes! We will be the Douche Bags of Fashion and we WILL wear nothing but white after Labor Day. The rest of the year, we will just be naked. Now, how am I going to be able to find a drummer who is willing to pound his drums while naked?

So Bin Laden has released another video and plans to release another one within the next couple of days. Is it just me or does this guy release more videos than Tupac? (I know its an old joke of mine, but what can I say, it still gets laughs). Of course, since President George W Bush has failed miserably in his pathetic attempt to catch him, Bin Laden has plenty of chances to make all the videos he wants. The thing about his newest video (directed by Abdul Mohammad Speilberg-Jhoabad) is that he has dyed his beard. Can you believe that? Bin Laden has dyed his beard, which is something so many of the “American infandels” would do so that they don’t look old. Geez, who would of thought Bin Laden would do something like that. I guess he has to look good for picking up goats to fuck. You know, he sure wouldn’t have been able to dye his beard had he been caught by President George W Bush, whose sad attempts to catch him makes people wonder if he was serious about swearing we would catch him dead or alive.

Bin Laden also says that Americans should convert to Islam. What a great idea, just think about all your brand of Islam has to offer. You can see the world, one stinky ass cave at a time. And why waste time showering when you can just go weeks upon weeks without so much as even seeing indoor plumbing, just imagine the smells you will omit, it will sure make you attractive to all sorts of wild animals. And I do mean ATTRACTIVE!!!And ladies, haven’t you always wanted the companionship that 8 other wives could provide? Just think, it will also solve all your wardrobe problems. You know all those times when you bitch about not having something to wear? Well, those days are gone, as you would be stuck in the same oppressive clothing every single day of your life. And don’t worry, guys will no longer be hitting on you, since you will no longer be allowed to have eye contact with them! What a world you could be living in.

I know I have always wanted my nieces and nephew to grow up and become a successful suicide bomber. What a great career that would be, after all, you wouldn’t have to worry about not having social security for your retirement. Think about your kid following in your footsteps as a suicide bomber…………….you know, just in case your bomb doesn’t work, he can come in right after you and kill everybody in the building. And what a paradise awaits, plenty of overbearing heat and with 72 virgin geeks from Beauty and the Geek waiting to pop your ass cherry! If that doesn’t say paradise, I don’t know what does. That should be enough for everybody to be grateful that President George W Bush didn’t do the job he promised and caught you. Think that’s it? Nope, there is much, much more.

Converting to Islam means I can no longer be gay! Yippie!! I mean  why keep searching for a mate when I can just be forced into being straight by marrying 5 different chicks! Oh, I’m glad I’ve got the chance to suppress my true sexual desires, otherwise I just might be tempted to go looking for gay sex in airport bathrooms. Of course, just the mere mention of gay sex could result in execution, so I should just change the subject. Thank you President George W Bush for focusing on a country that did not attack us and posed a fake threat, instead of hunting down the mass murderer responsible for the deaths of over 3000 people.

Yes, radical Islam has it all! Just read the above, if that isn’t reason enough to sign up than you are just crazy enough to believe that President George W Bush even still cares about catching Osama. Ohhhh, yes, sign me right the fuck up, I can’t wait to start living my last 3 years in a constant state of looking over my shoulder and planning my own suicide.

See, the Bush Abomination wants you to believe that Osama Bin Laden no longer poses a threat and is impotent to attack us. Well, we all know that is probably not true, it still misses the point. See, to echo my thoughts from last year, we are now 6 years removed from 9/11 and regardless if he is a threat or not, he still has not paid for his crime. That alone should be enough of a reason to make catching him America’s top priority, not some phony bullshit war in Iraq. Even if he is not a serious threat right now, at some point he can be again and at some point, he can attack us again, and who knows how much worse it will be. And nothing can ever take away from the fact that President George W Bush is the person who is fully responsible for catching him. He and the Neo-cons and the Republicans can all say this is Clinton’s fault, but the fact remains that President George W Bush is the only person that has been president since September 11, 2001 and Bin Laden is still free. Is anybody else as outraged and disgusted as I am by this fact?