September 24, 2007

• Ever since Jt and I stopped being friends over 3 years ago, I have had a best friend void in my life. Sure, Dave and I are good friends and before the whole Jt thing, Dave was #2 on the list, so one would think that by default he moves up to number one. Then again, do I honestly have a list of friends like a Letterman Top 10 List? No, but I digress. My friendship with Dave has only weekend since then, a lot of that do to the fact that the 3 of us were such good friends; kind of like the 3 Stooges or 3 clowns at a circus. And sure, I’ve got other good friends, both Keith and Heather are amazing and I have grown very close to them, but they are a pair, kind of like peanut butter and jelly or in terms they can relate to, beer and more beer.  Danel and I were good friends for a while there and sure, we still are, but let’s face it, she is waaaaaay too much of a bible beater and too much into her little “get rich over a gradual course of time scheme” for us to be best friends. Mark and I have become close the past few years and there aren’t many days when I don’t at least hear from him in some manner, but he is also my twin brother and I just don’t believe in people holding multiple titles. So I think I need to find a new best friend, which isn’t easy to do. For starters, any new best friend has to meet some qualifications. Actually, I should probably take applications and list the requirements here. Now I want to be clear, I’m not looking for a boyfriend to fill this role, as I mentioned, no duel roles.  Many people consider their mate to be their best friend, and although that is probably true, those people usually also have a best friend who they hang out with with and without their spouse. What I’m looking for is an actually best friend to replace the fired Jt and the not up to the task Dave. So, here are some of the requirements:

  1. Must take a drug test. I can’t possibly be friends with one of “those people”. You know what I mean? I can not be friends with somebody who passes a drug test. If the person doesn’t smoke pot on occasion, than they are probably too uptight to want to spend a lot of time with.

  2. They must be a straight male. Not to sound sexist, but I have never been best friends with a female. There is just something about a guy having another guy as a best friend, I have heard it called a “bro-mance”. With other guys, there is so much less drama, most guys don’t have to say they are sorry to each other but instead just buy the guy a beer to make up for the fight. Plus, since I’m gay, the guy would never have to worry about me sleeping with his woman.

  3. No Republicans allowed. For starters, most Republicans don’t approve of gays, so that would make it kinda tough to become good friends. Also, as everybody knows, Republicans are cold, heartless creatures incapable of empathy. Republicans don’t really have best friends, people are usually their friends out of fear or wanting some of their money. Don’t believe me? Think about it, is there anybody alive or dead that can honestly say they consider Rush Limbaugh or Bill O’Reilly their best friend? Honestly. Actually genuinely liking them and enjoying spending as much time with them as a best friend would? Of course not, because no person could ever want to subject themselves to either one of those 2 fucks, except for maybe each other. But, because they are both loud and obnoxious pompous asses, they would never be able to stop yelling long enough to carry on a conversation with each other.

  3. Must at least like sports a little; at least to the point of being able to hold a good conversation. What can I say, I love sports. This is part of the reason why Dave can’t be number one. He has a fake, passing interest in sports. How many times do I have to tell him that teams don’t score points in baseball? And I’ve had it with him asking me “who is that guy with Charles Barkley in that cell phone commercial?” Dumbass, its Dwayne fucking Wade, if you don’t know who he is by now, you should lose your man card. Part of the whole best friend thing is going together to a ball game, so although that guy doesn’t have to be a Cub fan, he should at least want to go to some sporting events.

  4. One word: gambling! Most of the best times I had with Jt and Dave involve gambling in some sort of way. This is an area in which Dave over excels. Shit, he and I even have a $1000 bet on who will live longer. Personally if I were you, I hop right the fuck on the Mike bandwagon with this one. I’ve been replacing Dave’s filtered cigarettes with non-filtered for years now. The way I see it is that any boyfriend I have will not like both sports and gambling, which is where the best friend picks up the slack. Also, its just another person I can win money from.

  5. Must love road trips. For shear fun, nothing beats a guys only road trip. The ideal road trip combines sports and gambling which is why numbers 3 & 4 are so vital to a good friendship. And its tough to find another person who loves to be in a car for such a long time that your ass feels like its been grilled and you are so tired you almost hit that person who you think is a parking meter. Ahhhh, road trips.

  Although those are the requirements, like any job application, there are also some things that are preferred. For example, I would prefer a best friend who is not married and doesn’t have any kids. I don’t have a problem with wives and I do love kids, but a wife a kids usually means that the guy can’t stay out until the brink of dawn every weekend or at least until the time Pat Robertson gets back from sucking the blood out of cows and tearing hearts out of live chickens. Something else that would be preferred is somebody who would fit right in with my group of friends, so that we can all hang out together during parties at Scooty’s or at the Compound. And ideally I would like for the guy to live close, it would certainly help in hanging out a lot. I mean, shit, I can’t have him living way the fuck in some dink town like fucking Rochelle.

  Geez. I hope I’m not being too picky.

  • 10:54 pm
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