You know, I’m totally convinced that hardcore Republicanism is a genuine mental disorder. See, I have a friend who shall remain nameless (mainly because I’m going to spend most of this post totally ripping on him and his kind) who is your typical macho “I’m going to totally kick your fucking ass right back to middle ages”, heartless, senseless Republican. After spending time with him, its easy to see my mental disorder point. The solution to everything is violence. Your sister’s husband is cheating on her? Don’t talk to your sister or her husband about it first, just walk right up to him and punch him square in the fucking face, even if it is at Thanksgiving dinner. You think America might be wrong on an issue? You hate America and don’t deserve to live here, get the fuck out of MY country before I fucking throw you out. You are a foreign country who disagrees with our foreign policies? Fuck you, we are invading you! Come on people, you know the type I’m talking about, the type that listens to Rush Limbaugh, drives a pick up truck, HATES the Clintons, is a bigot, and probably drinks Budweiser. On his pick up truck there are one or more of the following bumper stickers: “Freedom isn’t free”, “Learn to speak English or get out”, “My president is Charlton Heston”, “Bush 2004″, or “Liberals Hate America.” The question is, why are these people………….ok, guys, because just about every time, they are guys…………….such huge Republicans. Ok, so its not even that they are huge Republicans as much as its that they put on this macho tough guy front. Its probably a combination of several reasons. Let’s explore, shall we.

1. They feel threatened and fear the unknown. That’s right, these very same people who put forth the front that they have no fear are actually afraid of the unknown. Because these people are of sub human intellect, their only solution is violence, kind of like the mafia. They are afraid of what they don’t know about these other people or situations that they just resort to the only thing they know: dropping bombs and fighting like a  caveman.

2. They were not shown enough love as children. I know, its the same old bullshit therapist theory of blaming their parents, but this time, it might actually make sense. See, to know how to give love you have to have learned how to give love. I would bet all the baseballs in Boston that these guys are the same ones who bullied the other kids in school and didn’t have many friends. Because of their bullying, they were not liked or loved and the only way to get attention is to once again, bully people. Which kind of plays into my next point.

3. They think they can get their way through intimidation and fear. See, this one sums up the Bush Abomination to a motherfucking tee. Just look at how they handled September 11th. If you don’t agree with us, than you are a terrorist and therefore our sworn enemy. Then look how they managed to win another term, scare people into believing that boys kissing poses a bigger threat to America than global warming or terrorism combined. Oh those gays, we have to stop them before they are allowed to marry because if they have the same rights as straight people than our whole society would crumble.

4. They have a tremendously unsatisfying sex life and the macho attitude is just sexual frustration. Think about it people, when are you at your most calm and the furthest from thinking about violence? Its after a really good, mind blowing, toe curling, body shaking orgasm. The better the sex, the less stressed, more calm and happier you are. These warmongers are filled with rage, which is why they need to get laid in an awful way. When Clinton was in office, he was sleeping with anything that even had the slightest pulse; the man was so horny that he would fuck a jar of jelly. And how many wars did he start? Now look at Bush, he is sexually repressed and frustrated and he took the frustration out on Iraq. Do I need to even say anymore?

5. They are delusional and believe they are John Wayne. I’m not kidding, they have that John Wayne “gonna kick some fucking ass” mentality. Because they grew up in houses with that 1950s mentality, they have spent way too much time watching those old westerns in which John Wayne rides in to kick some ass and save the day. Only one problem, John Wayne has been dead for nearly 30 years and was a total pussy who dodged WWII.

6. They have something to prove by acting so tough. Come on people, you know what I’m getting at here: they have tiny cocks. Oh, sure, I guess they could be trying to prove how strong or how tough they are. But, mostly, its all about the cock. And if its not about the cock, than its about the pussy. They want to show that they are tough so that they can get laid. That’s right, laid……………with their tiny cocks.

So pick any choose any of the above. Or perhaps I have left something out. Either way, they are not nearly as tough as they seem, all you need to do is stand up to them. They will either back down or throw the first punch, which only goes to prove my point that they have a mental disorder. The core beliefs  of Republicanism  makes so little sense that a mental disorder is the only way they can believe that way. They believe that to protect marriage, you shouldn’t discourage divorce but instead prevent a whole class of people from getting married. Their solution for teen pregnancy and the spread of STDs is to NOT teach safe sex. They believe pro life means the death penalty is ok. They believe that their wonderful God created the Earth for humans but yet we humans do not have a responsibility to save it. They believe in in smaller government and leaving the government out of your life, yet are for laws that control what you put in your body, what you do to your own body, and who you can have sex with. They claim to be pro family, yet they rally around the family with a pocket full of shells (thank you Rage Against the Machine) and are against gun laws even though more times than not, family members kill other family members. They claim to be compassionate, yet don’t see the compassion in a terminal patient having the right to end their own life. They are for cutting taxes, yet also for spending 200 billion dollars a year on a war they have no clue how to win. This is not to say that Democrats are good, smart or even make the slightest bit of sense, but it only proves how wrong Republicans are.

Add all of this up and the math becomes simple: Republicanism is a mental disorder.

As you may or may not know, the Denver Broncos are kind of like my co-favorite team along with the Bears. Anywho, Denver hosted the Packers tonight (imagine if the Rockies had won yesterday, people in Denver would of had to choose between the 2 games, as both games would of been in Denver starting at the same time. Gee, what a traffic nightmare) which meant that the game was on ESPN. I used to be a big ESPN guy, but their whole stick has slowly grown old with me. Still, Monday Night Football is Monday Night Football and this is the Broncos. So I watched a Monday night game from start to finish for the first time in several years. Ok, so I do watch when the Bears are on, but its usually in a loud bar and you can’t hear the tv. And yes, I have watched the Broncos on Monday night the past couple of years, but it was not from start to finish. Still, is it just me or have the Monday night games become almost unwatchable since switching to ESPN. And the main reason is because they have tried to turn the damn game into a talk show, complete with guests in the booth (tonight was Brett Farve’s wife and the ever so worthless Vince Vaughn) and lame attempts at comedy. And just like a real talk show, at the start of the broadcast they said who the guests would be tonight which included music by the Eagles. Ok, now I can barely tolerate any non sports guest in the booth for even the slightest amount of time. During Cubs games when they have a non sports person since Take Me Out To The Ballgame and interview the person in the bottom of the 7th, I usually take that time to do something else and its done within about 10 minutes barring a huge Cubs inning. But with Monday Night Football, they seem to have the guest on for-fucking-ever. And at the worst possible time, the time when the drama is at its peak and we should not be distracted with some dope who is pretending to know football. They do this during the 4th fucking quarter. And I don’t mean for a series in the 4th, I mean for almost the entire damn quarter. What the fuck people? And of course, they spend a lot of time breaking away from the field in between plays to show the guest in the booth. All of a sudden, its like the game becomes secondary. Sorry, but when the game hangs in the balance, I don’t want to see Jim fucking Belushi babbling like the dumbass he is, I want to see the faces and body language of the players and coaches. I want to see replays of just about every play. I want to see and hear thoughts about what just happened or what might happen. Now granted, ever since I got out of high school, I don’t watch Monday Night Football nearly as much as I used to. And of course, I worked 2nd shift for nearly 10 years, so I didn’t see much of then. But when I did watch it, it was about football (except for the Dennis Miller era, but I think everybody has blocked that bullshit out) and now, it has become a fucking joke. And from ESPN of all networks. I mean, they would be the one I would trust to be focused on the game. This is the kind of bullshit I expect from FOX, not ESPN, they should be ashamed of themselves.

As if I needed more proof that nobody wants to be around a drunk person (see my Oct 17 post), I had another weird experience with a drunk person the other night at a local bar. I was the first one of my friends to arrive so I went to the bar to watch the World Series. I sat down and here is how the conversation went:

Drunk ass Republican looking guy: “Mark?”

Me: “No, I’m Mark’s brother”.

Of course, he and I were not referring to the same Mark, but still, sometimes its fun to confuse drunk people.

Drunky: “Oh, I’m sorry, I thought you were Mark, you look like him.”

Me: “No, I’ve got a brother named Mark, but he has never been up here.”

Drunky: “See, from behind, you look like him.”

At which point, he proceeded to rub the back of my head for some creepy reason.

Drunky: “Sorry, I didn’t mean to offend you. You aren’t going to go into the parking lot to kick my ass now, are you?”

Holy fucking shit dude, are you that drunk that I look like somebody that can even come close to kicking your ass? Also, I’m not even close to being even slightly pissed, so I don’t know where he was getting this from.

Yesterday was the Halloween party/Sausagefest at the Johnson’s house. I went to the wonderful Illusions Costume company in Bolingbrook to pick up my costume about 1 in the pm (the party started at 2). I had decided to call an audible at the last second and change my costume. Although the lady at the costume shop was disappointed because she had worked very hard to put my costume together, she was more than happy to show me some other costumes. I mentioned that I was thinking about switching to a priest and one of the workers at the shop suggested that I go as a pregnant nun. Of course, I agreed, thinking it was a great idea. Once I tried it on, I thought it was even a better idea. They wanted to iron it and do some other things to it, so I decided to take some time and go to Bobak’s to purchase some Polish sausage.

I knew the Bobak’s in Naperville had closed, so I drove out to the one in Burr Ridge. I can never remember what road to get off the expressway, (I think it was on County Line Rd) but normally there is a sign for it. For some reason, the sign was gone, so I wound up going the wrong way on County Line rd. After a brief call to Heather, she told me that I had gone the wrong way. As it turned out, the one in Burr Ridge had closed as well! In fact, all 3 have closed, I guess the owners had a fight and shut this great place down. This upsets me greatly, they were a totally kick ass Polish buffet and store. It was replaced with a farmers market type of place where I was still able to get polish sausage.

I returned to Illusions about an hour later. The employees were wonderful, especially this one lady. Not only did she dress me, she also put some foundation and powder on my face to cover up my facial hair. See, even though I shaved just a few short hours ago, being Italian, its nearly impossible to get a close shave. The foundation and powder did the trick though, and I have to say, I looked great.

When I got to the Johnson’s house shortly after 3, a lot of people were already there, including Jt. He was not yet in costume, but after a few minutes, he disappeared for a bit and came back. I walked in the house and my jaw dropped: he was a fucking priest! Of course, he and I still are not talking so this was not planned at all. I looked away from him and just laughed while shaking my head and it looked like he did the same thing. What made things even more funny was that he had a pump that he kept pressing to give him a fake erection underneath the priest’s robe. It was classic.

As usual, all of the costumes were great. The whole Johnson family had a superhero theme. Heather was Supergirl and Keith was Clark Kent. He had on a suit which he pulled away to reveal the Superman costume. Nicole was Batgirl. David was supposed to be Batman………..but, well, he refused to get out of his Batman pajamas. Personally I felt Heather’s mom stole the show, she was a patient and her friend was a nurse. Scooty was Dr Evil and his 7 month old daughter, who looks JUST like him was Mini Me. Chris was a stripper. Mark was white trash; he painted his face white and wore a garbage bag with trash taped to it. Keith’s aunt and cousin were Packer fans, complete with cheeseheads. His hot cousin Scott was a Bears fan, with his face painted and whatnot. Another guy at the party was a viking. Nate and Izzy were lions, which meant that we unintentionally had the entire NFC North represented. Dave was The Todd from Scrubs and Kelli was Dr Reed. Anywho, I hope to have some pictures up here within the next week or so.

The party itself was fun, but a little bit more tame than what we have had in the past. There was no scavenger hunt (not that anybody is really complaining, although fun, they were really getting out of hand) and no nudity at all. I had intended on drinking at the party and sleeping there but just did not drink enough to get drunk. I wound up going home about 1:30ish.

I know that this won’t be the most popular of posts, but I did this last night and its an easy copy and paste post. This might seem a bit over the top, but we have all done these email surveys a million and one times and everybody knows all of my answers anyway, so I always try to liven it up a bit. Its like I always say, fiction is always much more interesting than fact.

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?     

               
I was named after Englebert Humperdink, but my enemies call me Fucky
Fuck Up.                                   

 

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?

The day when that one thing happened with the space ship and the huge
orange shaped oran……………Ok, I’m a guy……….we don’t cry.

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING

With computers we don’t need to worry about handwriting, now do we?

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?

Why do people always limit it to lunch meat? What about breakfast
meat? Or dinner meat? Me, I prefer brunch meat.

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?

Ohhhh, the kids I have!! Tons spread up and down the eastern seaboard.

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS

WITH YOU?

 

I guess I would, but what if I fall in love with myself? And next
thing you know, there is some sort of awkward sexual tension followed
by a relationship. And things would bound to sour once things got
boring because, after all, we would be EXACTLY the same. And after the
break up, what the fuck do you do, stalk yourself? I mean, how are you
supposed to get a restraining order against yourself? Honestly. I
mean, the post relationship restraining order is the best thing about
breaking up, after the post break up make up sex, which never works in
the first place. Just how am I supposed to stay at least 500 yards
away from myself at all times? And who is going to enforce that? No,
its way too much work to be friends with myself.

 

7. DO YOU USE SARCASM A Lot?

Sarcasm, you mean like the fishy stuff
that is in the cans? Wow, that sounds like something Jenny from AAA
would say.

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS

No, I sold them on E-Bay to some 12 year old boy from Indonesia, I had
to raise money to pay for legal fees that come with filing a
restraining order against yourself.

9.  WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?

Only if I you could guarantee me I woudln’t bungee land on the ground
below me.

10.  WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?

ohhhhhh……………..i know………………Serial Mom!

11.  DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?

Actually, I haven’t removed my shoes since the 1992 presidential election.

12.  DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG?

I omit many strong odors from my body, so yes, I guess I am very strong.

 

13.  WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?

Frozen has always been good.

14.  WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?

If they are the type of person I might want to take a shot at later in
the night.

15.  RED OR PINK?

What are we talkin about here, tampons?

16.  WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOU?

The fact that I’m just so damn perfect that it makes it damn near
impossible to press charges against myself. .

17.  WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?

My 3rd grade teacher Mrs Hudson, who actually turned out to be Mr
Hudson. I used to love the way shehe would gaze lovingly into my eyes
while shehe gently stroked my hair. See, I was a very enterprizing
young man, I wanted to frame him for sexual abuse because I was
failing just about every subject. Turns out, the whole thing drove him
to suicide, but hey, he should have known better. Than again I can’t
blame him, I was 8 years old with the chest of a 13 year old (my mom
made me get breast implants)

18.  DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU?

Man, fuck everybody. Serves them right, they hate me
anyways…………………sorry…………….I’m going through a
blue period.

19.  WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?

Ohhhhm, I’m wearing the loveliest blouse, its pinkish red with
diamonds, clovers, and hearts, it kind of reminds me of that
cereal………….whats it called, uh, Frosted Flakes. Oh, as for the
shoes, I’m wearing mittens on my feet these days, doc says its better
for circulation.

20.  WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?

Ass. MMMMMMMMM, ass!!!!

21.  WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?

A recording of my parents attempting to conceive me, I’m investigating
to see if they actually had sex or if I was an immaculate conception.

22.  IF YOU WHERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?

Are the Simpsons a color?

23.  FAVORITE SMELLS?

Romeoville tap water always has such a fun smell. When we were kids we
used to play a game called name that smell coming from the tap. My mom
made us stop after my brother started trippin.

24.  WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE

PHONE?

A recording of Henry Winkler’s voice called my phone and I talked to
it for 17 minutes before I realized it wasn’t real, does that count as
talking on the phone?

 

25.  DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT .THIS TO YOU?

Danielle? Oh hell yeah, she is a great dude.

26.  FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH?

Lately, I have really been getting into the International Paint Drying
Championships on the Game Show network,

27.  HAIR COLOR?

Well, my chest hair is dark, so my pubes must be dark too, or so you
would think. I started waxing whem when the Romeoville tap water
caused them to turn a rainbow of colors.

28.  EYE COLOR?

Uh, that one color………….shit.

29.  DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?

Speaking of contracts, anybody know how to get out of a cell phone
contract? I’m trying to sleep with as many Verizon employees as
possible and it will be much easier if I’m able to switch to them.

30. What is your favorite food?

Human calves. Now I know what you are saying “Mike, are you fucking
crazy?” Well, don’t rip me until you have tried them. I just have one
suggestion, make sure the person has stopped walking otherwise you are
gonna wind up with a black eye.

31.  SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?

Just like my last massage, a scary beginning with a happy ending.

32.  LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?

Holy shit, did I mention that I got knocked up the other night and my
brother watched?

33.  WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?

Uhhhhhhhhhhh…………………football?

34.  SUMMER OR WINTER?

Are we talking stripper names here?

35.  HUGS OR KISSES?

Fucks.

36.  FAVORITE DESSERT?

This makes me wonder, do you think when George W Bush is asked the
same question he responds with “The Sahara?”

37.  MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND?

Me!!!

38.  LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND

My mother…………..fuckin bitch hasn’t talked to me in nearly 8 years!

39.  WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?

 

101 Ways To Make Stupid Email Surveys Fun and Interesting

 

40.  WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?

My mouse.

 

41.  WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV  LAST LAST NIGHT?

 

My neighbors having sex. See, I rigged this camera into their bedroom
and…………….wait. I’ve said too much.
 

42.  FAVORITE SOUND?

Have I ever mentioned how long it is taking me to fill this damn thing
out? My favorite sound……………make up your own damn sound for
shit’s sake.

43.  ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES?

I’m sorry, I won’t answer that question until you include the New Kids
On The Block

44.  WHAT IS THE  FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME?

The top of the light pole in front of my house. What can I say, its
really really really really high………………like as high as Mt
Fucking Everest.

45.  DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?

 

Although I can’t blow myself, I can come really really close to almost
licking a nipple, does that count as a special talent? I mean, after
all, I’m sure somebody would pay big bucks to see that.

46.  WHERE WERE YOU BORN?

Under a bush with somebody chasing me out.

47.  WHOSE ANSWERS ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO GETTING

BACK?

 

My mother’s.

I’ve got tragic news, people. Turns out I have erectile dysfunction. No, wait, I’m actually severely depressed. No, its not depression, its allergies. Or an enlarged prostate. I’m also going bald. And I do have high cholesterol. Than again, I have been having trouble sleeping………. And what about my high blood pressure? What the hell am I talking about you ask? Make up your mind you say. Well, its tough to make up my mind with so many commercials constantly on for medicines and pills for all sorts of aliments. These commercials haven’t always been around, honestly, I think they have only come into vogue within the last 10 years. Drug companies never felt the need to advertise their products before, but for some reason they advertise them constantly now. Hmmmmmm. Constantly, that kinda reminds of constipation, which I’m sure there are several different drugs you can take for that. And the crazy part is all of the side effects from taking these drugs. You take the baldness medicine to keep your hair so that you can pick up chicks and get laid. But guess what? The baldness cure causes erectile dysfunction (remember when it was just simply called impotence? Whatever happened to that word?) which is why you need to start taking that medication. Of course, the boner pill causes high blood pressure, so now you have to take that pill. The high blood pressure pill makes you depressed, which is another pill to take. Guess what, that new pill? It keeps you up at night. See, I really have to agree with what Bill Maher says, that these companies don’t want you to stay healthy, they want you to keep you sick so you keep taking their pills. Same thing with the the doctors, the more times they see you, the more money they make. And the politicians are powerless to stop it all. And why? Well, because they are getting HUGE kickbacks from the drug companies. About the only group that does not want you to get sick are the health insurance companies and for obvious reasons. And sure, you can say that any time you take a pill, it has side effects, I guess I can buy that. At least, for a little bit. But, and this is the part where we need to be more cynical, why is it that the side effects always seem to result in more medication? And in this day and age, with all of our brilliance and technology, you are trying to tell me that we can’t come up with more pills that have fewer side effects? I initially intended for this to be a funny post with a point, but the problem is, there is not a whole heck of a lot of humor in this situation. Of course, if I had more time, maybe I could make it at least semi funny. But, see I’ve been taking this new pill because I thought I had a going problem but it turned out I have a growing problem and the pill is making me sleepy but it keeps me up at night. That was one hell of a long run on sentence, maybe I have ADD. See, everybody has an issue and if you don’t have an issue, its ok, because we can make one up just for you. You lay around on your ass all day? Ohhhh, that’s not good, you must have Lazyman’s Syndrome, here, take these pills. What’s that, your vision is blurry from that 6 pack you drank? Certainly you have pupil dementia caused by your enlongated thorax, you need to start taking this new medication. And the internet just feeds into the whole thing. Just type in your conditions on any search engine and get a wide array of so called answers that influence you to believe you have any number of diseases. Why, if you ask the internet, they would tell you that I’ve got something wrong with my ovaries, which is a neat trick seeing as I’m a fucking guy! It just keeps getting worse and worse, I really can go on for hours and hours, not because I’m filled with things to say, but just because there are that many conditions and bullshit solutions to the problems.

Tonight I went out for hot chocolate with Joe (or is it Joseph, I should ask what he prefers). The plan was to meet at Barnes and Noble at 8 in the pm. Of course, I’m always early, so I got there about 7:45ish. I wound up with a great parking spot in the parking garage, in fact, it was on the first level right next to the street side door. I was just steps from the bookstore. Anywho, I walked in and went up the stairs, looking around for him. Its always weird meeting somebody for the first time in a public place, even though I had seen pictures of him, you never know what somebody would look like in person. I was browsing over the political books when I heard a voice say “Michael?”. I looked up and it was him. He was a little shorter than I expected, with glasses and piercing blue eyes. For those of you that are fans of the Daily Show, he kinda looks like former correspondent Mo Rocca. Not a bad thing, Mo Rocca is cute and so is Joe. As for him, he was so taken aback by my good looks that he instantly passed out. I had to give him CPR to get him breathing again. Anywho, we walked on over to the Starbucks cafe area where we would order hot chocolate and he would order some other strawberry flavored drink. We grabbed a table and soon after sitting down, I did something that was classic Mike: I managed to spill some of my hot chocolate on my hand. There were scalding burns that required immediate attention, but I was determined to stick things out, in spite of the fact that I was in tremendous, blinding pain. The pain was so severe, I was seeing stars everywhere, up, down, to the right and left of me and in the distance I could have sworn I saw Katie Holmes making out with Madonna. We talked about a lot of things, but seemed to focus a lot on obesity, eating healthy and exercising. I don’t know why this was, but we just did. He is a pretty cool guy, very smart and talkative, kinda reminds me of my friend Scooty. That’s it, he was a gay Scooty, extremely intelligent and very social. I had a nice time, we both seemed to have a lot to talk about.

Ok, I should clarify that obviously, some of what I wrote was total bullshit, but I think that you all realize that. I want to write more, but am kind of tired. I’m going to go now.

All right people, as you all know, I’m in the market for a new best friend (September 24th and 26th posts). I’ve been accepting applications for a new best friend ever since then. Ohhh, what an overwhelming response I have gotten! So many applications from every possible medium imaginable. I’ve gotten them via mail, fax, email, left on my car windshield, thrown at me tied to a brick, phone calls, voicemails and last but certainly not least, in the form of a shit bomb that I nearly stepped in. I’ve gotten so many that I’m thinking I might need to charge some sort of fee just to have an application be submitted, you know, so that I can weed out the people who aren’t serious. But by all means, keep them coming, its fun reading through some of them. One guy told me that I can use him to “make problems disappear if you know what I mean”.  I know exactly what he means, and it is very tempting. Another guy sent me naked pictures of his mother, as if to say “Be friends with me and you get to fuck my mom…………..she’s a MILF!” One guy was just looking for somebody to help him rob a bank.  I had 3 other apps asking me if i “partied” which I guess is code for drugs. One app was from a guy who wanted to keep things private. He said his name was Larry and he asked if we could just meet up in airport bathrooms for some “bathroom fun.” See, what a great group of guys already, its going to be tough choosing just one. Maybe I will go with the guy who said he will do anything for me as long as I pay his bail. Hmmmmm. That would make him my bitch and if he jumped bail, I can hunt him down like some kind of hunter of bounties. It reminds me of that one Robert Deniro movie, uhhhh, what was it called………….oh yeah, I know, You, Me and Dupree.

Well, this is it people, I finally got Knocked Up the other night. I invited all my friends to watch, but they either weren’t interested or couldn’t make it. The movie was funny as hell, I actually think it was better than 40 Year Old Virgin and SuperBad, Judd Apatow’s other movies (he was the writer and director of each one). Now we wait and see what his next movie will be and see if he can keep up this high standard of comedy that we have come to expect. What is it about comedy that is so tough to remain at a high level? It seems like directors only have a few good, funny films in them before they burn out. Let’s take a look at directors of funny movies over the last 30 plus years. First and foremost, you have Mel Brooks who for all purposes is kinda like the Godfather of recent, great comedies. You all have David and Jerry Zucker of Airplane and Naked Gun fame. There is John Hughes who made such classics as National Lampoon’s Vacation, Planes, Trains and Automobiles, and the Breakfast Club, among others. There is also Christopher Guest of Best In Show, A Mighty Wind and For Your Consideration. One of my personal favs, Kevin Smith, with the  Clerks movies, Chasing Amy and Dogma. There are the Farrelly brothers who have made some of the funniest movies I have ever seen with Dumb and Dumber, Kingpin and There’s Something About Mary. These are just a few directors.  And now there is Judd  Apatow. These people have all made very funny movies in the past and yet, they have all made some movies that were not very funny at all, Judd Apatow not included………yet. Now its not to say that there aren’t some directors of dramas that don’t have the same problem, but it just seems like they careers that peek for a longer period of time. Tom Hanks has said that comedy is harder to do than drama. I think that the fact that writers and directors of comedies don’t have long peeks goes to show just how hard it is to make a good comedy.

Played cards at Scott’s last night and I learned of a new holiday which you can read more about over here:

http://www.steakandbjday.com/

That’s right people, its Steak and Blow Job Day, which is held every March 14th. I have to say, its about fucking time. Sure, Valentine’s Day and the made up holiday of Sweetest Day are supposed to be for couples, but let’s be honest, they aren’t for couples as much as they are for chicks. The girl gets roses. The girl gets chocolate. The girl gets jewelery. And what does the girl give the guy? Something for HER to wear while they have sex. And I know people say that its for the guy to, but lets face it, when the couple breaks up, she gets to keep the lingerie that she bought for him AND the jewelery HE bought her. And if the guy doesn’t buy her something on Valentine’s Day there will be hell to pay, but if the girl doesn’t get him something for Valentine’s Day, that is ok. Besides, all the guy really wants is a blow job, but he can’t ask for a blow job on Valentine’s Day because that would not be considered romantic and make it seem like he is just out for sex. Which, as we all know, is totally true. Valentine’s Day isn’t really about love for the chick, its all about her man showering her with gifts. So I say hats off to Steak and Blow Job Day, at least its honest and up front.

Although its more than overwhelmingly obvious to even the casual observer that Richard Simmons is FLLLLAAAAAAAMING gay, I realized that I have never actually heard anything about him coming out or admitting that he is gay. So, I decided to do a search on the trusty world wide internets to find out. And you know what it turned up? Nothing. Can you believe it? Not only has he never admitted to being gay, but there were no rumors or stories that suggested that he might be gay. And yet, just about every big name movie star has been rumored to be gay. Remember when Good Will Hunting first came out, the rumor was that Matt Damon and Ben Affleck were both gay. After Titanic, Leo Dicaprio rumored to be gay. Within the last 5 years or so, it has been all but confirmed that Tom Cruise is gay. Jake Gyllenhaal possibly gay. Kevin Spacey, extremely gay. Shit, they even say Jonathan Taylor Thomas is gay. Wait, that last one is probably true (ohhhh, I hope so, I would be all over that shit……….ok, well I know its not possible for me to “be all over that shit”). But yet, nothing about Richard Simmons. That’s right, nada, no pictures of him cavorting with a male lover. No stories of him on a drunken binge due to a fight with his man. Why is it? Is it because nobody gives a shit about Richard Simmons? No, that can’t be it, after all, unfortunately we are a society obsessed with celebrities and secrets, even when we don’t like them. Plus, the paparazzi go after any celebrity. Could it be that we have finally became accepting enough of gays as to not care when a celebrity is gay? Oh come on people, we all know that aint true. Perhaps he is the one celebrity whose privacy is protected by the press because he is just so damn likable? That can’t be true, after all, most people, including myself, don’t like him or are indifferent to him. Plus, the press let’s NOBODY off the hook. Personally, I think its just so obvious that he is gay that it doesn’t need to be said by him or by anybody else. Its not like its so shocking that its front page news if Richard Simmons finally came out. Yet, when Tom Cruise’s homosexuality is finally confirmed, that will be huge news. Until then, the press (I include the paparazzi in that group because each day, they are becoming more and more alike) keeps digging and following around waiting for Cruise to slip up. With Simmons, there is no mystery because its right there, even without him saying it. If you think about it, he has found a way to beat the press at their own game, but at the same time, keeping his privacy. I say this as somebody who is not a fan of his in the least, but maybe others can learn from him.

With my new garage up and looking good, whenever we have heavy storms come through the area, like today, I get paranoid that a tree is going to fall into it or a mircoburst or tornado will damage it. I was thinking about that today and although I’m not the type to get violent, if something happened to the garage at this point, I would probably flip right the fuck out and start beating the shit out of the remains of the garage. Quite honestly, after all I’ve been through with this garage, I think it would be at the very least, slightly justified. Fortunately though, it is fine and I don’t think I have anything to worry about. Except that large tree right next to it in my neighbor’s yard.

How come certain people always put pressure on people to drink? Honestly, nobody likes to be around a drunk person. And nobody likes to be hung over. If there is one thing that all drinkers can relate to, its the hangover.  Yet, drinkers always feel the need to try to pressure others into drinking. For example, I used to have a co-worker who is a huge drinker and he would always pressure people to drink. We went out after work only 2 or 3 times and he would be there drinking and trying to pressure others into drinking, in some cases, he would even go as far as to buy others drinks. I mean, you don’t know how somebody is going to be once they are drunk. The funny part is that these people will pressure others to drink, get them drunk and then be surprised when that person is a bad drunk. Now I’m not talking about good friend that get other good friends drunk. I’ve got some great friends and they know exactly how I am when I’m drunk. Not that I’m an asshole or a difficult drunk because for the most part, on the rare occasions that I do drink, I’m not bad. But I’m talking about the people that you barely know who try to get you drunk, usually co-workers. What the hell are these people thinking? Do you really want to get to know that co-worker in that way and see them in a whole new light? I’ll go back to that same heavy drinking co-worker. The last time he hung out with a group of us from work, he got so drunk and became so rudely obnoxious that I can’t even beer (pun totally intended) to be around him; I can’t see him without remembering that night. . And its not like we were good friends even inside of work. I just have a totally different opinion of him now. And the funny part is that he knew he was acting like an ass at the time because he kept telling everybody not to talk about how he was acting to people at work. Well shit motherfucker, you probably should of thought about that 14 beers ago.

I hope I got my thoughts across enough, although I don’t feel I did.

You know, rumors and gossip is so evil sometimes. There have been rumors about one person’s sexuality for years. They say there is a good chance Richard Simmons might be gay. There are rumors all over the world wide internets that he is gay, but I just refuse to accept it. Its totally cruel for people to think he is gay. I mean, what makes them think that? Is it the shiny shirts with all of the sequence (spelling please)? Is it the waaaaaaay to short shorts? Could it be the fact that his legs have more grease than a White Castle cheeseburger (those of you not familiar, let’s just say they call White Castle burgers sliders because they are so greasy that they silde right through you)? Is it his high, lispy voice?  Is it because whenever he is on Letterman the band plays “Rooty Tooty” when he comes out? Maybe its because he has never been married or even been known to be dating a female. What gives it away? Why do people think this manly man is gay?

Oh, way. I guess I made such a strong case that its pretty damn obvious that he is about as straight as a u-turn.