Ever have one of those out of nowhere dreams about somebody that is highly inappropriate? I had one a few months back (shit, I might have even posted about it, I really don’t remember) in which this lady I work with was masterbating in my brother’s bedroom. Now, in the dream, I didn’t actually see the act going on but I could just hear her moaning and screaming. What was so disturbing is that she is upper management at my job and also about 25 years older then me. It couldn’t be anymore disturbing. I haven’t been able to look at her the same again. Then the other night, I had  dream that I was making out with this cute straight guy that I work with. Again, I’m not able to look at him the same. My question is where the hell do these dreams come from? The 2nd dream I can understand, I’m attracted to the dude and it was a nice dream. But the first fucking dream? Shit, that one came right the fuck out of left field. Honestly, what fucking gives?

See, I really need to start writing shit down. Last night as I was going to bed I had this wonderful, funny idea I was going to write about and now I can’t remember most of it. And I don’t want to attempt to post it because I know damn well it won’t be nearly as funny as when I came up with it last night. And I can just about kick my dumbass, because I was thinking to myself “write this shit down” but then I thought that it was so funny, that I couldn’t possibly forget it. Even though I knew damn well that I would indeed, probably forget it. So I didn’t write it down and now I’m fucking stuck. Just look at the bullshit I have to resort to writing about, stupid ass fucking dreams. If only I had written it down. The good thing though is that these sort of things usually come back to me at some point. But, with the writer’s block I have been having lately, I should have known to write it down, I mean, its a no-brainer really.

See, part of the problem is that I have these great ideas late at night when I’m just about to go to sleep or when I’m in bed trying to fall asleep. It also helps to explain why it takes me 45 minutes or longer to fall asleep at night. As you all probably know, I’m a night person in the truest sense. I always seem to be thinking at my best at night. And usually once I get going writing something, it just starts to flow and I can’t get everything down fast enough. Oh well. I’m sure it will come to me even if it is a few weeks from now.

In all my years of being a sports fan, I have never bought any particular player’s jersey, if you can believe that. I know, I find it hard to believe as well, especially since I was pretty much obsessed with Cubs rightfielder Andre Dawson when I was growing up. Sure, I was given a John Elway jersey about 12 or 13 years ago, but I didn’t buy it myself. My thinking is that I don’t want to spend all this money on a player who is not going to be with my team for a very long time. Sure, some players play for 5 or more years with a team, but I’m known for keeping clothes and still wearing them for much longer than that. For example, my sister got me a Cubs jacket when I was a freshman in high school and I still have it and wear it all these years later. In spite of all of that, I’m giving serious consideration to changing my opinion on this and actually buying a jersey. In specific, the Bulls Luol Deng. Granted, there have been other athletes who I have been bigger fans of. But, when I read about Luol, I think he represents the type of person and player I would be as much as any athlete I have ever liked. I know most of you………..ok, probably none of you are basketball fans. But, allow me to explain. The 22 year old Deng has had an interesting journey to the NBA. Born in Sudan, he and his family fled Sudan when he was 4 due to a horrible civil war moving to London. At the age of 14, he moved once again, this time to play basketball in New Jersey. He later played at Duke and was the 7th pick in the 2004 NBA draft. At just 19 years old, he was a star in the making for my Chicago Bulls. Although I liked him at the time, my favorite players were Kirk Hinrich and Tyson Chandler. But, as I saw him play more and learned more about him, I started to like him more. In addition to probably being the Bulls best player, you would never know it by his conduct on the court. In an era in which most people wrongly focus on basketball players having tattoos and their off the court activities; in a time in which the NBA seems to sadly be filled with malcontents and me first players,  Loul is a team player who works hard and puts the team first. This past May his fellow players awarded him the NBA sportsman award which honors the player who best exemplifies ethical behavior, fair play and integrity on the court. As for his off the court activities, he is very active in many charities, including helping the victims of the Darfur genocide in his birth country of Sudan. During his rookie year he was asked the question  what sort of personality do you have off the court to which he replied “Off the court I’m always trying to make others happy. I’m really close
with Chris [Duhon] as we were teammates [at Duke]. I really think that
how close you are with your teammates off the court helps you on the
court. A lot of times when you have problems it will affect you on the
court. So when I’m not playing, I’m just trying to make everyone laugh.” I think that probably sums him up perfectly. Earlier this year ABC did a piece on him that aired before one of the Bulls playoff games. Its been a long time since I put a link on here, but here you go:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cktyg13kSgg

For years there has been a debate as to whether athletes are role models. I personally believe that while they should not be role models to children they don’t even know, the reality is that they are role models. The media focuses on the negative all of the time and unfortunately, thugs like Ron Artest, Barry Bonds, and Michael Vick get all of the press for being, well, thugs. And spineless blowhards like Curt Schilling garner way to much attention for stuff they say. Meanwhile, true role models like Loul go about their business without getting much attention. Sure, he won the award and their was that piece on ABC. But honestly, before reading this, had any of you heard of him or if you had heard of him, had any of you known any of his story? Its a shame that the exploits of Pac Man Jones are well documented but the greatness of Loul Deng goes untold.

I saw Letters From Iwo Jima the other night, which is fitting with this weekend being Veteren’s Day.. This is the companion piece to Clint Eastwood’s other movie, Flag Of Our Fathers. I have to say, i was very impressed and thought it was a great movie and a very unique idea. It focuses on the other side of the war; the side that we Americans don’t think about. Sure, Japan was our enemy back then but obviously now they are not. What was interesting was that in some respects, the American and Japanese soldiers are the same. They were both scared and both wanted to go home.  As somebody on the dvd extra said, the difference was that the American soldiers went hoping they would come back alive, the Japanese soldiers expecting to die for their country; if they didn’t than they were considered cowards. But, as individuals, they were scared kids who did not want to die and did not want to be in the situation they were in. They had to deal with the same situations of crappy living conditions and bad food.  The movie also shows the horrors of war and why war is probably the worst thing in the world. War is something that should never be taken lightly and should be avoided at all cost unless absolutely necessary Sure, I understand this and most of the people reading this understand it; its just too bad that other people in position of power don’t understand this and don’t care. They view war as a game and don’t truly understand the the full consequences of war. They “mis-underestimate” war, probably one reason is because most of these people have never been in a war. Sure, I have never been in a war either, but even I understand war. Those who use war a way to profit or to help keep themselves in power should have their power stripped from them and sent to prison. Only then might they understand war.

I went shopping at Kohl’s today. I hate shopping for clothes by myself because I have no clue as to what matches or what looks good. In short, I’m a fashion disaster. Still, I managed to find a few things that I think are nice. And because a few of the shirts I bought were on sale and I also had a coupon, I wound up getting $110 worth of clothes for about $85. I may not know how to dress, but I sure know how to get a good deal.

I just don’t feel like writing much today. Its not to say I’m speechless, but lately I have been posting a lot and have run into a little bit of writer’s block. I’m sure I will come up with something else soon that is even at least remotely interesting.

You know how people say that they can never understand the opposite sex? Well, its not only the opposite sex that is tough to understand. Why is it that with dating, you have to use elaborate clues to understand the other person. Why can’t people just be honest and up front? If I go out with somebody and they aren’t my type, than I just tell them honestly that I don’t want to date them. Of course, I’m not mean about it; I’m well aware of their feelings and I just say that I’m not interested. I don’t beat around the bush. Take this one guy I went on a few dates with. He wasn’t showing a lot of interest in me, but we still text each other and sent emails. Ok, I usually initiated the contact, but he did respond. Then I go some time without hearing from him. So, I send him an email asking him if he is still interested and if not, I totally understand, but that I would appreciate his honesty. He tells me that he had been really busy and hasn’t had a chance to call or email, and that when he has some time available, he will let me know. Ok, so I know he isn’t interested. You know he isn’t interested. The American people know he is not interested. So, why doesn’t he just come out and say that? Shit, I gave him an out, why not just say he isn’t interested? And then there is this other dude I had one date with. After the date I chat with him again and ask if he wanted to go out again sometime. His response was “maybe, but no promises”. Ok, again, I know what that means, but why not just say it? Are people that big of pussies that they can’t tell somebody no? Look, I’m a big boy, I can take it. Do they have trouble saying no to everybody? I mean, would they not be able to say no to somebody who is looking for a volunteer to jump off a cliff? Fuckin’ A people, would you grow a set of fucking balls and just say you aren’t interested? And on the off chance you are interested, would you show that you are? Sure, nobody likes to hurt people, but isn’t lying to people or leading them on worse than saying you aren’t interested? As for me, I’m always honest with people because I always appreciate honesty because it is insulting and rude to lie. I always take it personal when somebody lies to me; I feel they are insulting my intelligence. People always say they don’t understand the fairer sex, but honestly, how can they even be expected to understand the opposite sex when people of their own gender are so damn hard to understand as well?

Today is my sister’s birthday, which means that I of course called her to wish her a happy birthday; even though she didn’t even acknowledge my birthday this year. What can I say though, it kind of runs in my family, after all my mom hasn’t remembered my birthday since about 1988, although in her defense she has been dead for 7 of those years. Can you guess which 7 years she has been dead? That’s right, she was dead from 1990-1997! Wait, I think I got the years wrong on that, turns out she has been dead since 2000. I dunno, I don’t pay attention to details. Anywho, back to my sister. Now don’t get me wrong, I do love my sister, but talking to her on the phone can be a bit………..much, to put it nicely. Perhaps its because I don’t talk to her very often; like every 3 or 4 months, but when I do talk to her, its always a long conversation. Come to think of it, that’s not it at all. See, she also talks John’s ear off too. Now John, he doesn’t talk much, so its easy to dominate a conversation with him. But, she even does it with me, which is saying something.Not to sound mean, but its not even stuff that is even remotely interesting. She seems to blather on and on about her jobs. Nobody wants to hear somebody go on and on about their job. Tonight, she had laryngitis so I thought she wouldn’t have talked much, but nope, she still has no off button. See, what I should have done was called her on my lunch at work, so that I would have an automatic end to the conversation. I could have said “well, I need to get going, I’m on lunch and I have to get back to work.” I usually try to call her when I have some else to distract me, for example, tonight I called her during the Bulls game, so that I can watch the game when she starts to get boring. She starts talking about her job and eventually, I just tune her out. And since I use the blue tooth, its even easier to tune her out. Its like she starts off yappin and next thing you know, its like there is this buzzing in my ear. And I start watching more of the game until there is a commercial break and then I’m reminded that there is this little voice in my ear that is going on about her day. Then, I have to start paying attention again, or at least give the impression that I’m paying attention by saying “ok” or “uh-huh”. In the world of call centers, we call those verbal head nods, as if to show people that you are actually paying attention, when in reality you are off in some other world. Of course, in today’s over sick society, people would call that ADD or ADHD, but honestly, let’s just call it was it is: the person on the other end of the phone boring you to death. See, when somebody goes on for longer than 2 minutes without letting the other person get as much as a word in, that’s not ADD, that’s just the talker being clueless the sound of their own voice. And yes, I am EXTREMELY guilty of the very same thing a lot, but when I’m talking to other people who are talkers, I usually give them a fair chance to eventually speak. This is how my conversations with some of my friends who are talkers usually goes. Its usually at least an interesting topic and each of us get a chance to blather on incoherently, or at least in my case incoherently. Personally, I think people like my sister (and myself too……….its easy to see where I get it from) need some sort of red flag to say “SHUT THE FUCK UP! THE PERSON YOU ARE TALKING TO DIED 10 MINUTES AGO FROM THE SOUND OF YOUR VOICE!!!” For me, I know I’m pretty damn clueless when I’m boring somebody. And of course, most people are too nice and won’t just come out and say “Yo pal, shut the fuck up already, you are borin’ me to tears.” So, I think there needs to be some sort of Talking Alarm to let you know you have talked past the allotted time before your audience loses interest; kind of like how in basketball they have the 24 second shot clock, well, talkers can have the 90 second speaking clock. Once you reach that time, than BOOM! you shut the fuck up and let the other person say something. And if that person doesn’t have anything to say to continue the flow of the conversation (assuming its a good conversation) after about 20 seconds, than you get possession again, because hey, you did give the person adequate time to come up with something to say and you shouldn’t be held back because that person is not good at keeping the conversation going. And if it is a boring conversation, after your 90 seconds are up, the other person than has the chance to change the subject and if they are able to successfully do that, then they get a fresh 90 seconds to really get going. See, I think I’ve got a good outline of a halfway decent system to prevent the conversation train from totally getting off track. Now its up to other people to run with it.

Well, the bullshit media is at it once again. Many of you may have heard of this story, but I’m not going to go into detail about it because, unlike the media, I do not want to give this vile, repulsive, lower than animal, piece of shit anymore press than he has already gotten. Granted, there are well under 10 people that read me on a daily basis, but still, I won’t give him anymore attention. I will leave that to the so called legitimate media. Of course, I have to find a way to talk about it without talking about it. I first found out about this story almost 3 years ago from a friend. Soon though, the media picked it up and although they have not ran the story into the ground, I’m under the opinion that any attention on the story is too much. In the 24 hour news society we live in, I have seen stories on the news networks from time to time about it. Because of a lawsuit that recently reached a verdict, the story was brought up again last week. And this time, the media really focused on it. I saw it at Clem’s on the unfair and biased FOX News. Friday I was at a bar and they dedicated a pretty big chunk of 20/20 to this story. Now I want to stress that this disgusting excuse for even half of a human is FAR worse than the media outlets that carry the story, but that is not the issue here. The issue is that it gets press at all. As we all know, there is no such thing as bad press (for proof of this, see Spears, Brittany, for some unexplainable and downright insane reason, she is more popular than ever) or bad publicity, even if you are by far and away the most vile person in America. See, the more attention given to him, the more of a chance for him to recruit followers. The more press, the more of a chance he will find sick and putrid people who agree with him. The more people that have an opportunity to see and hear about him, the odds increase that somebody will find sympathy with his cause. And sure, that might be a very small chance and hopefully a very small percent of people, but that still increases the chance that somebody else goes even further than he has gone, in spite of the fact that honestly, one can not go much further than he has gone. But, as we have learned over and over again throughout human history, somebody ALWAYS takes it to the next level; somebody always goes further. Its not bad enough that they are just mentioning it as a story in the news, but they are also dedicating entire segments of the news show to him. And to show an example of taking it to the next level, they are also giving him air time. That is free press to preach his message of disgusting hate and intolerance. This is how bigotry spreads; its given attention and press and what better medium to spread your message than via tv. There is a reason why companies dish out billions of dollars a year on tv commercials; its because it is the most effective way to advertise a product and reaches the highest percent of people. And that is just with one 30 second commercial. When you give him 15 minutes to preach his cause, that’s 15 minutes on national tv to reach somebody who is jaded enough to agree with him. And the one person he reaches raises a whole family of bigots and all of a sudden, there are a few more people thinking that way. Now I want to stress that he is so extreme that there is no way he will ever have even a small following outside of his family. But all it takes is one person to take it to the next level. And yes, that is extremely unlikely, in fact, odds are probably greater that you would get struck by lightening. But, if we don’t give him attention, than eventually, he goes away. People like him are just looking for an avenue to spread their message and tv is the perfect vessel to spread that message. Call me old school, but I believe that the media has an obligation and a journalistic responsibility to not give people like him attention. After all, its not real news, its just news that is used for pure shock value. Just used to get people outraged and upset so that they watch. Its not a growing segment of society that we need to be worried about. He doesn’t pose a threat to national security. He is not doing anything illegal (unfortunately, after all, it would make things a lot easier if we can just throw he and his ilk into jail to rot). He is not even a celebrity who has lost his way. And don’t get me started on the media focusing on wayward celebrities, although focusing on them would be much better than focusing on him. He is just one hateful, evil to the core, vile, repulsive, pathetic embarrassment to every human being who has ever lived who is not worthy of any attention. And for that, the media should be shamed.

What a couple of Danel filled days I just had. Last night I met her and a couple of her work friends at a bar in Bloomingdale. Or was it Addison? Or Glendale Heights? To be honest, I have no fucking clue.  All I know is that it was a  Mexican restaurant and bar. We sat in the bar section so that I could watch the Bulls game. When I first got there, Danel was in the bathroom and her friend Tina was all alone. So I walked up to the seat that Danel was sitting at and moved her coat to the seat across from this one. I then proceeded to take everything out of her purse and put it on the table. Even though I knew she would be kind of pissed, I also knew that she would find it funny and would be laughing more than angry. She got back to the table and started laughing and hitting me at the same time. We hung out and talked (and laughed a lot) until dinner came. Now I wish I could go into more detail about the great time we were having, but its kind of tough to explain this chemistry that we have. Although I have got a VERY goofy personality (very goofy), its like I take it to the whole next level when she is around. I am constantly doing goofy and crazy shit to make her laugh. She loves it and usually, most of the people around us love it. We are also very filthy around each other, which really adds to it. This one time back when we worked at AAA, we were all hanging out with a bunch of co workers at another co workers house and Danel and I were so vulgar and funny that this one guy kept asking when we could all go out again. I swear, we could be a comedy team, I’m not just saying that either. I don’t want to sound like I’m over doing it, but being around Danel makes me wish I was straight. If I were straight, we would, without a doubt in my mind, be married. Since the very second we met, we have always had this connection. I don’t want to say we are soul mates because I don’t know if I believe in that shit, but there is something between us. Let me tell you about the first time we met. See, she had been working at this other office and the only way I knew here was from the massaging system we used. I saw her name Danel and I just assumed that they had misspelled her name and that she was a guy and her name was Daniel. Well, she finally came out to our office and I saw her walk up to me. I saw her name on her badge and the first words out of my mouth to her were “Holy shit, you’re a girl!” And we were off and running. I went home that night and called Jt and told him that I had found the love of my life……….except that it was a girl and I’m gay. To this day though, I have never told her I was gay, although she does suspect it all the time. I had the biggest non sexual crush on her for a long time. And she had a huge crush on me for a long time. She thinks we might have been married in a previous life. I don’t know if I believe that, but all I know is that there was and still is a deep connection between us that I have never been able to explain. She truly is one of the most unique and fun people I have ever known. She is also about the coolest chick this world has ever seen. If only I were straight.

Anywho, so today I went with her to her cousin’s wedding. Ok, so I didn’t actually ride with her, she lives pretty far from me so I just drove myself.  It was a costume wedding, so that meant that I would dress up as a pregnant nun again. The wedding started at 6:30 in Willowbrook, which is not a very far drive, however there was tons of traffic on I55 for some reason. So, I was few minutes late, but she was already there saving me a seat next to her. Let me set the scene for you. The wedding was here:
http://www.akfentertainment.com/akfe/akfetour.htm

A place called Arabian Knights Farm. The ceremony was outside in front of a little canopy area type of thing, complete with a fire pit in front of it. I walked up and there was scary, intense type of music playing. I want to stress that this was not a Satanic wedding at all, it certainly had the feel of one. There were torches all around the seating and stage area. All of the groomsmen were dressed head to toe in black with black hoods and masks, you couldn’t even see their faces. The groom was not wearing a tux, but instead was all in black with fake blood dripping from his head. As for the bride……….well, check this one out. The ceremony started and the brides maids and groom made their way to the front. I was looking for the bride to be coming, but all I could see was all of the groomsmen carrying a coffin. Danel said “Oh my God, she is in the coffin!” As they continued towards the stage, carrying the coffin a black coffin, I could see that it was closed. Its not like she was sitting up in there waiving. It was fucking closed! They brought her to the front of the stage, stood the coffin up and opened it and out she stepped. She was not wearing anything that was even close to a wedding dress. She had on a black top with a short black dress. We were 5 minutes into this ceremony and it was already the best damn ceremony I had ever been to. The lady that was marrying them was dressed like a vampire. She gave a quick speech before doing something that I will not soon forget. They each had a jar of pickle juice. They opened it up and each put a tiny baby doll inside. The reasoning is that the pickled baby is supposed to be good luck. Ok, at this point, I was wondering if it wasn’t a Satanic wedding. Actually, when I saw that the groom was wearing a Satanic pentagram (I’m dead serious, I’m not making that up), it led me to believe that this was indeed a Satanic ceremony. Either way, it was still very cool.

As for the reception itself, it was inside a very large barn. Just about everybody was dressed up and there were some great costumes there. One guy looked like a dude from the Rocky Horror Picture Show. Another guy was dressed like Jack Sparrow. Another was dressed as Jack Skellington from A Nightmare Before Christmas. There was one lady there who got her costume from Illusions Costume company in Bolingbrook, the same place I got mine. (Btw, here is a link to their website http://www.illusionscostume.com/ should you have any needs for costumes, she does a great job). The reception really wasn’t all that much different than a normal reception. Sure, they cut the cake with a small sword (again…………not making that up), but they still did your typical bridal party dance and throwing of the garter and bouquet. They also played some Richard Cheese during dinner. For those of you not familiar, he is the guy that does lounge versions of songs that you wouldn’t expect. Such as “Hey Ya”, “Panama”, Nirvana’s “Rape Me” Rage Against The Machine’s “Gorilla Radio” and Snoop Dogg’s “Gin And Juice”, among many others. The reception also had a chocolate fountain, which I guess is all the rage now at weddings. Not that I’m complaining, you all know how much I love chocolate. Also, they had a great idea of serving appetizers at 10:30, well after dinner because a lot of people get hungry at that point.

As for dinner, it was buffet style with ribs, chicken and Italian sausage. What was different was that they used Chinet and plasticware. Of course, every reception has the “fun table” and you bet your sweet motherfuckin ass that a table with me and Danel would be the fun table. I got a lot of attention in my pregnant nun costume which made for a lot of jokes. I started a conversation at the table about tattoos which would lead to everybody showing and talking about their tattoos. This lead to another conversation which was HIGHLY inappropriate for dinner, especially at a wedding. That being said, this was no ordinary wedding. We started talking about piercings and somebody at the table mentioned that they knew somebody that had his asshole pierced. Again, I swear to you, I am not making this up. Right then Danel’s brother’s girlfriend, Heidi,  sat down at the table. I said that I had an interesting, yet inappropriate question, to which somebody replied that we have already gone well over the line of inappropriate so why not just ask it. Somebody else asked how he could shit like that, which was not my question. My question was, how the hell could he wipe? I then apologized to Heidi, assuming that she would not like this type of talk. Ohhhh, how I couldn’t be more wrong. She then one upped me by saying “No, I’m fine with it. How about me licking your asshole clean?” I knew then that she would fit in perfectly with this table.

The rest of my time there went by fairly quickly. It was filled with lots of food and dancing. I had a great time and although I’m trying to see if I left anything out, I won’t soon forget this night.

I didn’t get a chance to write this post yesterday about Halloween, so now will have to suffice. I have always loved Halloween, ever since I was a little boy it has been among my favorite holidays, even if it is not a real holiday. Then again, I love just about all holidays. I didn’t have many kids come knocking on my door for candy this year, I think its because I have developed a reputation. See, I think its kinda crazy that these kids go door to door freeloadin’ candy off of people. So last year, I was determined to put an end to it. Last year, kid rings the doorbell and says “Trick or treat!”. I had quite a treat for the kid. First, I screamed really loud. Than, I started to just pound the shit out of the kid. I mean, I came haulin out of the house swinging and I clocked her pretty good. So now her mom runs up and starts to get in the action, so I called out my dog to attack her while I continue to beat up this 10 year old girl and steal her candy. Now, I know you are all saying “Mike, you don’t even have a dog.” That’s true, I don’t, but last year I “borrowed” a dog from the police station to help me with my dirty work. The girl put up a pretty good fight, turns out that she was a lot stronger than me. That’s not saying much though, after all, I struggle to carry a gallon of milk. Anywho, it turns out the girl didn’t have any good candy. I must have been one of her first houses because she only had gum and a popcorn ball. So, the next kids come to the door. They say trick or treat and I sent my prostitute friend out there to turn tricks for them. I would have made lots of money from those kids except that their father stepped in and ran off with the prostitute. After that, nobody wanted to come to my house.

You might be wondering what the fuck is wrong with me. Well, my mom really gave us a very unique Halloween  upbringing. Like the time we were 7 and she took us trick or treating on the side of interstate I55. No, I don’t mean at the houses that are near I55, I mean she drove onto I55 and pulled off to the side of the road about a mile before the Harlem Avenue exit and dropped us the fuck off and said “Have at ‘em, you sonsofbitches!” and drove off. I remember because that was the year Mark and I wanted to go as Batman and Robin, but instead, mom made us go as bums. She thought walking barefoot on the side of the road would build character. Well that might be, but I still don’t understand why she took my pants. So here we are, side of the expressway, cars speeding by. And there was Mark, jumping up and down screaming at cars as they zoomed by “TRICK OR TREAT!!! TRICK OR TREAT!! WAIT, STOP, TRICK OR TREAT!” Poor bastard, he actually thought somebody was going to actually just pull over and give him candy, can you believe that?  I knew better though. I knew we had to do something to get them to stop. So I pushed Mark into the street and I threw myself on the ground on the side of the road and played dead. Sure, Mark was pissed at first, especially when he was damn nearly hit by a 73 Dodge Charger (the license plates were jkm54u, if you want to try to catch the fuckers), but the next car stopped. Turned out to be a nice old man who didn’t have any candy. But, he was nice enough to douse me with anti freeze, he said that it would prevent me from freezing on this cold Halloween night. What a guy! And then in case that didn’t work, he lit a match. Dumb ass Mark blew it out before it hit me. I don’t know what the fuck he was thinking, I mean, how the hell was I supposed to stay warm now? Next person that stopped was a drugged out hippie lady and her passed out boyfriend. She didn’t have any candy, but instead wanted directions to some Halloween party that promised “lots of wacky tobbacky”. Unfortunately, we couldn’t help her. Next person that pulled over was a limo driver, he asked us to help “hide this problem he had”. We started to dig a hole for him, but the cops drove up and he got in his car and sped off. Finally, after standing out there for 14 hours and 18 minutes, we finally got some gum from a driver. Oh sure, it was pre-chewed and hit Mark in the eye, I still think it was pretty good. I mean, the car was going at least 70, do you realize how hard it is for somebody to spit gum out of their mouth at that speed and hit somebody? See, when I put it that way, I bet you are impressed.

Ahhhhh, Halloween memories of yore. I wonder what future Halloweens hold for me? (Hint: I’m almost out of appeals, I’m thinking future Halloweens involve a new, smaller, 8X6 living quarters).