Last night was another card game at Scott’s house. I won the first game beating out 7 other people. Then in the next game, it was the exact opposite for me, I was the first one to go out of 7 (one guy couldn’t play a second game) people. I always HATE being the first one out, not only does it give me nothing to do, but more importantly, my pride takes a big hit. There is also this one guy there who was born on the exact same day as Mark and me. I found this out a few months ago, but forgot to write about it. Its not often when you meet somebody who you share the exact same birthday with and therefore, its kind of unique.

While we were there, we were watching a bit of the Pats-Giants game. I glad New England won, hopefully they can finish things off by winning the Super Bowl. 16-0 means nothing without winning it all. I mainly want them to win so that it will finally shutup the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only other team in the Super Bowl era to go undefeated, although back then it was only a 14 game season and they only had to win 2 post season games to win the championship. Now here is where I’m a hypocrite. Although I want Miami’s record to fall, I am actively rooting against another Boston team, the Celtics. See, as I write this they have the NBA’s best record at 25-3. The all time record is held by my favorite team, the 1995-96 Chicago Bulls, who went an amazing 72-10. Not only do I not want the Bulls record to be broken, but I do not even want the Celtics to win even 70 games. I want the Bulls to remain the only team in NBA history to win 70 games. Granted, there is a lot of time left in the season and the reality is that the Celtics will probably not even come close to 70 led alone 72, but still, its never too early to start rooting against them. Ready for more hypocrisy? Assuming the Bulls (who have not been good this year) don’t win the championship, I will be rooting for the Celtics to win it all, provided they don’t win 70 games. I’ve long been a fan of 2 of their players, Kevin Garnett and Ray Allen and would love to see them win a championship. Then again, with the Red Sox winning the World Series, the Patriots going 16-0 and  probably winning the Super Bowl, shouldn’t that be enough for the city of Boston? On the other hand, I know if it was me and the Chicago teams (sans the White Sox) were doing that good, I would be greedy and want to see each one of them keep winning as much as they possibly can. Ahhhh, you gotta love sports, its almost as confusing as the English language.

I should probably just keep it simple and root for the Cubs, Bulls and Bears.

Its time now for another classic Dave story. Recently, Dave killed his cell phone. Now with Dave, nothing is ever done in any sense of a normal way. It seems Dave was driving to work and the cell phone fell in a cup of coffee. I know that doesn’t sound so bad, but because this is Dave, there is more. He had the phone on the dashboard and it fell off landing in a cup of coffee. I asked him if he continued to drink the coffee but he said no, because it was coffee that had been sitting there for 3 or 4 days. Honestly, what are the odds that the phone is going to land in a cup of coffee after falling off the dash? It couldn’t just roll off and fall near the door. No, it lands in a cup of coffee. And it was coffee that shouldn’t have even been there to begin with, seeing as it was several days old. Then again, the phone should never have been on the dashboard. See, these are things that can and do only happen to Dave. Its part of what makes knowing him so much damn fun.

This must be the year in which my friends get on tv. My friend Christie had a segment on the WGN morning new this morning. It kind of sucked that it was at 6:45 in the am, but still, its tv! And thankfully there is the internet, where you can catch the clip:

I guess I should explain that she is a party planner and she was offering tips on New Year’s Eve parties. I think this is a great job for Christie, she has always been very good at planning parties, and she loves to do it, so this works out well for her. I’m happy for her, she looked great on the news and seemed like a natural.

Sorry people, I had to remove the link. The link was VERY long and really stretched out my page. I’m trying to learn myself how to post the video on here. Ed was kind enough to leave me some instructions, but you all know how it is for me to instruct things.

I watched a documentary on HBO the other day about Wal Mart called Wal Mart: The High Cost of Low Price. Here is a link to the movie’s website if you want to check it out before reading the rest of the post.

http://www.walmartmovie.com/

Now as many of you may know, I have long been a Wal Mart hater. In fact, they are on my permanent Fuck You list. It has probably been over 5 years since I last stepped foot inside a Wal Mart. I have known for a long time about their evil ways. This movie not only reconfirmed for me why I hate them so much and also brought some new things to light. One of the things that I found shocking is that nationwide, Wal Mart has been given $1.8 BILLION in development subsidies by either local or state governments. For example the city of Cameron, Mo provided $2.1 million in infrastructure improvements through sales and
property-tax increment financing in the area of a Supercenter and
surrounding industrial park. Wal-Mart served as the developer for the
project. Last time I checked, that was a lot of fucking money, especially for a small town. Some towns give Wal Mart tax breaks for a few years to come to town, only to have Wal Mart move just over the city limits once the tax breaks were done. And then there is their environmental record, if you want to call it that. In 2001 they had to pay a one million dollar fine for clean water violations in TX, OK, and MA. They were also fined $3.1 MILLION by EPA, the largest ever for a retailer, for Clean
Water Act violations in TEXAS, COLORADO, CALIFORNIA, DELAWARE,
MICHIGAN, SOUTH DAKOTA, NEW JERSEY, TENNESSEE and UTAH. And check out this link of crimes that have occurred in Wal Mart parking lots:

http://www.walmartmovie.com/crime_parkinglots.php

Yes, its a LOOOONG list. And, it is only for the first 7 months of 2005. Wal Mart even conducted a study that showed that if they just had security drive around the parking lot, it can cut crimes to as low as 0%! But, they still don’t require security in the parking lot of their stores. I guess they want people to have their shit stolen on the way out of the store so that they have to buy more things at Wal Mart. But, a lot of crimes happen on the way INTO the store. I have a theory about that. Knowing Wal Mart, they probably hire people to mug customers on the way into the store so that Wal Mart can make more money. See, when you think about it, that makes the most amount of sense, right? Wal Mart is by far the world’s largest employer, yet you can never find a worker when you need one. How can they be the largest employer if nobody is ever around to help you? Oh, that’s right, because some of those employers are outside mugging you as you go in. 
Ok, so thats probably not true, but honestly knowing Wal Mart, would you be surprised one bit if it were true? What an evil corporation, and I haven’t even touched upon how they treat their employers, both home and abroad.

See some people say that the goal is for them to make as much money as possible. Although that is probably true, I think their goal is world domination. I guess you could say that Wal Mart is kind of the Hitler of retailers. The question is how, can we stop Hitler Mart? Its no like we can send an army storm the dirt roads of Bentonville Arkansas and overtake them. It all comes down to the people. See, Wal Mart as the ever so attractive lure of low prices. And what could be more attractive than that? And sadly, people just either don’t care enough to stop shopping there or they can’t afford to stop. Let’s look at the former shall we. I have got a good friend who makes very good money, yet still shops at Wal Mart, even knowing their evil ways. He either chooses to ignore their practices, doesn’t believe the stories or just doesn’t care. Much like with Wal Mart, for these people the bottom line is, well, the bottom line. But, in the long run, it actually costs each of us money. Not only with the communities and states giving them money, but also the percentage of Wal Mart employees requiring government assistance is pretty much off the charts. Just imagine the things that we can pay for if those tax dollars were redirected elsewhere. Its not to say the people who shop at Wal Mart are not good people. My friend, he is a very good person. Its just means that these Wal Mart shoppers are part of the problem.

And I’m sure some of the other retailers do things that are wrong too. But, Wal Mart is clearly the most evil and has done FAR more harm than good. They must be stopped and it all starts with each of us. Sure, you are one person and I’m one person, but the more people you tell or get to watch this movie, the more the word spreads and if you tell 10 people maybe one will stop shopping there. Or maybe it will be 2 people. Either way, if enough people find out, we can make a difference and at least but a dent into their plan of world domination.

There is a a guy at work who is a HUGE Packers fan. His redeeming quality is that he is also a big Cubs fan. Nevertheless, he was yappin up quite the storm all week long about how Green Bay was going to kill the Bears. He made a bet with one guy at work that if the Bears won he would wear a Bears jersey and if the Packers won, the other guy would have to wear a Packers jersey. I got wind of this and of course, I had to get in on the action too, as where there is betting, there is Mike. Our bet was is the Pack won, I would have to wear his Brett Favre jersey from when the guy was in 5th grade (sadly, he said that when he was in 5th grade he was even taller than I am now), but if the Bears won, he would have to wear this:

That’s right people, that is me sporting a pink Santa Claus hat. You might not be able to see it, but it also has some shiny things on it too (I fucked up the word for the shiny things so bad that not even spell check knew what the fuck I was talking about), it could not be anymore feminine. Well, I sure hope he likes wearing girly things, because the Bears not only won, they kicked the living shit out of Brett Favre and the Packers 35-7!!!!! And to top it off, the guy from work went to the game today! He said he Packer fans were going to “overtake Soldier Field.” It must have been a long, cold walk back to the car for him.

Speaking of cold, last night when I went to bed at 2:30 in the am, it was 52 fucking degrees out! Its unheard of to be that warm in the middle of the night 2 days before Christmas here in Chicago. This morning on the other hand when I got out of bed at 11:30am, it was 17 with a wind chill of 2. People say what a difference a day makes, but shit, its not even a day, its only a mere 9 hours (what can I say, I was tired) and the temp had taken a complete nosedive. And talk about windy? Shit, the wind blew my welcome mat from the step to the driveway, where it got wet and is now frozen stuck to the ground. Its right next to my car door so it looks like I’ve got a welcome mat for my car.

Ohhhhh, I’m so excited! I bought my 9 month old niece a gift card to Home Depot!!! WOOOOOHOOOO, YAAAAAY ME!! Greatest uncle ever!!!

The month of September just might have been the most eventful month of the year, complete with train trips, lots of money spent, a new garage and more people doing crazy, stupid shit.

Sept 1 post- One And The Same: A Dumpster And My Cousin. Ok, so most of this post actually happened in August, but it was posted in September. It is truly amazing how fucking stupid some people can be.

Sept 5 post- Home Depot: Just another Sears? Why is it that anything that has to do with my house is never easy?

Sept 10 post- A Salute to Islam! In case you have forgot, Osama Bin Laden remains at large. Here are some reasons why you might want to do what he suggested and convert to Islam. After all, isn’t the American dream a goat in every driveway and 5 submissive wives in every kitchen?

Sept 17 post- Meet Me In St. Louis. The first of 2 posts about my trip to St. Louis. In this post, you can read all about how I almost got my ass kicked. Oh, and also how I had more battles with bathrooms.

Sept 18 post- …..And Now You Know, The Rest Of The Story. The trip continues and ends.
 
Sept 24  post- The Search Is On. Looking for a best friend is almost harder than looking for a job.

Sept 26 post- My Qualifications. 5 solid reasons why I would make a great friend for a guy.

Sept 29 post- Video Of The Year! Here is a link to the video of my friend Tom coming home from Iraq
http://www.whas11.com/sharedcontent/VideoPlayer/videoPlayer.php?s=y&vidId=176762&catId=49 
Also, this post  has another story about weird shit happening to me. Ok, so this one is all me.

Today we will journey back to a simpler and much warmer time: May.

May 1 post- My Pet Peeve. I HATE loud motorcycles. In fact, hate isn’t even a strong enough word. Find out why.

May 5 post- My Biggest Tournament. I take part in a Texas Hold-em tournament to benefit the American Cancer Society. At least my money went to good use.

May 14 post- The Forever Stamp. Yep, they call it the Forever Stamp because it took them for-fucking-ever to come up with the idea.

May 15 post- Ding Motherfucking Dong, Jerry Falwell is Dead! This very well might be one of my favorite days of the year.

May 16 post- Its Time Now For a Military Garage Sale! Just read what must go before we can leave Iraq!

May 20 post- The Jt Drama Continues OR CUBS WIN, CUBS WIN!!. Also, I have a great night of playing cards and see something odd at 4 in the morning.

May 29 post- Greatest Game Ever. With satisfying results.

That’s it for May. Perhaps one day soon I will have a real post. Or not.

I’ve got a riddle of everybody. If a gay guy and a lesbian start fucking each other, are they considered gay lovers?

Today we are going to take a look back at the month of January. It was a crazy month, topped off by the craziest night of the year. Again, if you want to go back and read the original posts, you can go down to the bottom on the left hand side of your screen and choose that date. Let’s recap, shall we.

Jan 1post- Before the year started, there was a survey of people predicting what will happen in 2007. 25% said Jesus was going to comeback. Uhhhh………..yeah, how did that work out? Oh, and 19% thought scientists are likely to find evidence of extraterrestrial
life. Does Dennis Kucinich count as a scientist?

Jan 9 post- My crazy cousin strikes again. This was one of a couple problems with him this year. As the year ends though, he will probably never be a problem again.

Jan 13 post- Craziest. Night. Ever. Ok, maybe not the all time craziest, but its definitely up there. I wonder if that dude ever got help for his anger management issues. Just a quick update, I still have the Etch-A-Sketch in my car, but somebody tried playing with it recently in my car and they said it doesn’t work.

Jan 21 post- Back in the Super Bowl!!!!

Jan 22 post- The link that will make you cry, unless you are an emotionless robot such as myself. Even so, it moved me. Check it out again http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o8Esg_9QlOA&eurl

Jan 23 post- Bad pics of me. Skip this if you want to think of me as a hot guy. Read it if you want to laugh. Also, you can learn all about how iguanas have 2 cocks.

Jan 28 post- A Football Baby Shower. This was the day of Scooty’s baby shower, in what might have been the first football theamed baby shower. With hilarious results.

Jan 31 post- Black hole………….uhhhh, not sun. But, nevertheless, anybody wanna take a road trip with me through a black hole?

That was January. Definitely an interesting start to the year.

Last night, I had a bit of a…………..run in. They searched my bag for evidence but there was none. I thought I was in the clear until about 20 minutes later when they took me into a room and held me against my will for probably 45 minutes. I was threatened with torture. I was slapped and poked with a sharp object. They would not let me talk to my attorney or make any phone calls. I screamed police brutality but they just covered my mouth so my screams were muffled. They told me they would not let me go until they had answers. As bad as things got, I refused to talk. I new everything  they wanted to know, but I never give info, no matter what is done to me. That’s right people. I would not admit to those two 7 year old girls that I was indeed Santa Claus!

Yesterday I went to a Christmas party at the compound. As I mentioned, I dressed as Santa for the kids. The party was at Rene’s, so I snuck out of the house to go next door to turn into my alter ego. I came back and did the whole Santa thing. Now I should stress that Nicole (Keith and Heather’s daughter) and Corina (Rene’s daughter) have suspected the past couple of years that I’m Santa. Nicole LOVES me to death, so she might just know me too well. Last year they asked me if I was Santa, to which I denied. This year though, was a different story. When I was there, they all acted like I was the real big guy. But when I left, I walked out the front door, Corina, Nicole and some of the other kids went to the window. They stood there staring at me. I stood in front of the house, with snow falling down waiving at them. The whole time I kept thinking “will some adult PLEASE come to the damn window and pull the kids away?” The whole time, I could see the very top of Randy’s head sitting on the couch. If only I could text message him, but Santa doesn’t have a fucking cell phone now, does he. So I started to walk towards Keith and Heather’s, but I couldn’t just walk in their house with the kids watching. And of course, the kids REFUSED to stop watching. They wanted to see my sleigh. So, I walked on the side of the house, tripping over the sidewalk that was under construction. Then, the neighbors saw me and started yelling “HO, HO, HO Santa!” I walked in front of the Keith and Heather’s so that the kids could not see me. After a few minutes, I was able to sneak into the house and got changed.

When I got back to Rene’s is when the fun began. I was on the phone with Kelli when I got in the house, carrying my Cubs duffel bag. I walked into Logan’s bedroom where it was quiet so I could talk. Nicole and Corina followed me though. I got off the phone and they started asking me questions about Santa. They then opened my bag and searched for evidence. But, I was good. I had nothing Santa related in there, just a sweatshirt, cell phone, wallet and keys. Flash forward 20 minutes. I was in the kitchen when Corina came in there and asked me to come with her into her bedroom. I got in there Nicole was there to close the door behind me. This is when the interrogation started. They pushed me down on the bed and started to jump on me. They asked me if I was Santa and I said no. They hit me and slapped me (playfully………….I don’t want to get them in trouble, Nicole’s mother does read this) and told me that they wanted to know. They asked me questions like “why did you have the same glasses as Santa?” and “why was Santa so thin?” to which I replied “Slimfast”. I’m not doing this nearly enough justice, the whole thing was adorably hilarious. At one point, Corina kept turning the light off because she thought she could get more information from me that way, but Nicole kept yelling at her to turn it on because she was afraid of the dark. It was classic. I wonder if the interrogators in GITMO have those same arguments? Now when I  was taken into custody, I was eating a pretzel rod. They took it out of my mouth and said they were going to poke me with it until I talked! When I was telling the story later, somebody said they must have gotten this all from Blues Clues, because torture is how Blue gets his clues! The whole time, I kept yelling “POLICE BRUTALITY!! I HAVE RIGHTS!!! I WANT TO TALK TO MY LAYWER!!! The whole thing was over in about a half hour or 45 minutes when their parents wanted them to “settle down”.

I also popped my Nintendo Wii virginity last night. We played baseball, boxing, golf and bowling. I have to say, it was really cool. Although the baseball game was kind of primitive, the bowling and golf totally kicked ass. Damn, video games have come a LONG way since Pong.

“If you believed they put a man on the moon. If you believed there’s nothing up his sleeve, then nothing is cool”- REM

Unless you have been completely disconnected from society today, the MLB George Mitchell report on steroids was released today. Of course, none of it is a complete and total shock, at least not for me. We have known for years that steroids have been a big problem in baseball. We have heard names. And honestly, I have been saying for years that Roger Clemens takes steroids and nobody believed me. Andy Pettitte was a little bit of a surprise, but when you think about how close he and Clemens are, it should come as no shock. I was disappointed, but again not surprised, to see former Cub Glenallen Hill named. I always liked him and even bought a broken game used bat of his at a Cubs game. Still, in spite of the public already knowing much of the info in the report (except for the names, and let’s be honest here people, there are FAR more players who have used. Shit, Scammy Sosa’s name was even mentioned we we KNOW he used), its still heartbreaking news. One guy at work is a huge Yankee fan and loves Clemens. I guess the best way to compare it is to say that Clemens is his Jordan. This guy was devastated when he found out the news. I said to him that it looked like he just found out there was no Santa Claus. In a way, its like there is no Santa Claus. Sure, Clemens didn’t always take steroids. And like Barry Bonds, he would be a Hall of Famer even without the roids. Which makes it that much more baffling. Why take it when you already have the money and prestige? Now everything these players have ever done has come into question. All these records and awards, they are all fake. None of it is real. Nothing is cool.

As far as I’m concerned, any baseball significant baseball achievement of the past 15 years has to come into question, even if it is not from players that were named. And although the steroids era very well might be over, the cheating is not. Players have moved on to human growth hormones (also known as HGH) which is undetectable without a blood test, something the players union, who are supposed to have the best interest of ALL OF THEIR PLAYERS will not allow for a blood test. My fear is that baseball will never be totally cleaned up. How can it? Just when they catch up to what is being used, the players have moved onto some other bigger and better drug. It really is a neverending battle. And honestly, if it weren’t for Congress intervening a few years ago, baseball would not give a shit. And even though these names have surfaced, teams are still going to sign some of these players. They are still going to give some of them MILLIONS. They will reward these players for cheating and why would the players stop using? And the players that aren’t using? Well, they see these players that are using getting paid millions and it makes them want to try it. Plus, do the lesser players really have a chance of making it if the competition is using? Also you can not convince me that at least some of the owners and executives and general managers didn’t know what was going on at the time. Shit, even Padres GM Randy Smith said he suspected it was going on but did nothing. And why would he? Because honestly, the fans don’t care. Attendance, revenues, advertising and viewers are all at an all time high. This report can come out and people are not going to stop following baseball. And what’s worse is that the fans, at least the ones I have talked to, either bury their head in the sand with performance enhancing drugs or just flat out don’t care. Other fans such as myself are bothered and disillusioned by the whole thing. Yet, we love baseball so much, that we can’t bare to not watch. I just hate what they have done to my sport, my passion. Everything is in question, Nothing is on the  up and up. And its not just numbers and records that have been broken that are now in question. The 2000 Yankees had something like 8 players named in this report, which makes me wonder, would they have still won the World Series had these players not been taking steroids? When the steroid story is not in the news and the season is being played, I just pretend like it doesn’t exist, like everything I’m seeing and watching is real. Its easier that way, it allows me to enjoy the game. But, at the end of the day, I can’t fool myself. I know its not real. Nothing is cool. They have ruined my game. Even though none of my favorite players or anybody of big interest from the Cubs was named, its still sad for me because it affects the entire sport of baseball. And just because no current Cubs were named, doesn’t mean they are all clean. You can bet the house that each team has at least a few players who are dirty. This is a dark day. I want my game back, damnit!

You gotta check out this link to a video on the website of the wonderfully satirical newspaper the Onion. Its about how the nations wealthy are “cruelly deprived of the true meaning of Christmas.” The best part is how its all played out like a real news report. Its fucking classic, I love the Onion. I so wish I could write for them, I think I could totally kick ass at it too.

http://www.theonion.com/content/video/report_nation_s_wealthy_cruelly

In my fucked up look back at the year, the 2nd month of my totally random fuckupedness is July, which included my hard drive dying.

July 2 post- Another fuck you added to the list. That’s right, I officially added Pizza Hut to my list of banned substances. Or at least companies who are on my official FUCK YOU LIST.
July 3 post- People are motherfucking strange. Just another one in a long line of people doing weird shit around me this year. In this case, its a couple of jackasses trying to sell me speakers. And sex. Speakers and sex. Sounds like an Outkast album.
July 29 post- My Perfect Day. After 18 seasons, the Simpsons FINALLY come out with a movie. I celebrate by taking the day off work. What ensued turned out to be a totally kick ass day/night and was as perfect day I have ever had. Except, the Cubs lost. Then again………….they always seem to ruin things, don’t they? Also in the same post you can read about my first of 2 battles this year with train bathrooms.

July was overall a pretty damn good month, as it usually is each year. Sure, the computer thing sucked and some of the other drama going on in my life was bullshit as well, but all and all I got no real complaints about July.