Just an update on yesterday's dude. I forwarded the email to Mark and here is his classic response:



I do seem to remember a Mike D but I don't
remember any Michael Becker either.  Fucking weird! 
I'm sick of living at home with my parents and having
no friends or social life.  Hey, I have a great idea,
I'll just send emails out to anyone who graduated from
RHS and is registered on Reunions.com and send them my
life story.  Yes, before I know it I'll be back on top
of the world.  Plus, who knows maybe I can score some
drugs too.  Cuz, drugs aren't nearly as bad as
alcohol.  No way I can make bad decisions while I'm
high or tripping.  WHAT A SCHMUCK

Hey, you should email him back & tell him you're a
Will County cop.  


First of all, as you can clearly see, Mark and I share the same humor. I love his idea of telling the guy that I'm a Will County cop. Anywho, I got another message from the guy today:

Does anybody else think Mark might be onto something here? I always
love doing this, so I will ask you, how should I respond. Should I:



A. Tell him I'm a Will County cop. This would be HILARIOUS unless of
course he is an undercover cop trying to bust me, for what I don' t
know, its not like I'm some sort of drug kingpin.



B. Hit on him for gay sex (as if he and I could somehow have straight
sex with each other). Ohhhh, I'm not interested in this loser, but
again, it would be funny.



C. File a restraining order. I have no basis for this one, except that hey, its a restraining order. With hilarious results. 

So yesterday I get this message on reunion.com. For those of you not familiar with the website, its one of these “keep in touch with those annoying old classmates” sites. I signed up for this site YEARS ago and haven’t been back since. Well, they always send an email to you lettering you know when you have a message. This is the message I got yesterday:

Well what we have all long believed to be true has been confirmed: Dick Cheney is worthless. I found out a little known fact over the weekend about American vice presidents. Turns out, we haven’t always had one. For example, did you know Harry Truman went his entire first term without a vice president? I’m not making that up people. It seems that his wife wanted to be VP and he wouldn’t let her. He wanted to choose FDR Jr to be his vice pres and was all set to do so until his wife started withholding their weekly sex sessions until they reached a deal: he would have no vice president.  Ok, so I know that little bullshit about Truman’s wife makes me look like I’m totally full of shit, but honestly, we have gone pockets of time without a vice president in our history. For trueees, (that is supposed to say true-ZEES people). We have gone without a vice president 16 times for a total of 45 years the most recent being in 1974 when Gerald Ford was in office. Some of these times were because the president died and the vice president of course became president. Other times the vice president died. Of course, some people will remember Nixon’s first VP, Spiro Agnew resigned from the office in 1973. Another time in 1853 Vice President William King left office to pursue a career in porn. Still, whether its due to death, resignation, or a career in the pornly arts, in our 219 years (I’m counting from the time our first president took office in 1789 ) we have gone a big chunk of time without a second in command. Somebody who knows math can probably figure out the percentage of time we have spent without a junior president. Which makes me wonder, do we really need one? I mean, at best Dick Cheney has provided us with comic relief, mostly from his sneering and gunning down of America’s elderly. At worst he has been a war criminal who has illegally profitted from the deaths of thousands of people. And let’s face it, how many times has the vice president needed to break ties in the senate? I mean, can’t we just have them play to a sudden death overtime to break the ties? Anywho, I would bet that an overwhelming majority of people do not know about our lack of vice presidents. You could probably win lots of bar bets by asking who Harry Truman’s vice pres was in his first term. Then again, you could probably win lots of bar bets when asking who any president’s vice president was, at least pre 1960. Stunning aint it, to think that we have gone nearly half a century without a vice president.

I finished watching the PBS thing on the Mormons yesterday. Boy, there were some more fucked up things I learned. For starters, they don’t believe in “”til death do us part.” Instead, they believe the marriage continues even after death for all eternity. So that basically means that if you have had enough of your wife and you can’t wait to die so that you can finally get away from her, that is only the beginning. Just when you think you have rid yourself of her with your death, all of a sudden she shows up in the afterlife and this time, it won’t end because of your death. This is supposed to be paradise, sounds to me an awful lot like Hell. Of course, if you love your wife and want to be with her for all eternity, then this is a good thing.

Speaking of death, here is something you are going to be blown away by. It seems the Mormons have an addiction to baptizing. Its not enough to baptize a baby. We all know they won’t stop there, they go on missions to annoy the shit out of people so much until they convert to Mormonism. Think the baptizing and converting ends there or when somebody dies? Nope! And why let death stop them, after all there is a whole eternity to keep converting. So, the Mormons seek out to convert and baptize people AFTER they die. In fact, they even have a huge fortress that is literally built into the side of a mountain that holds BILLIONS of names of people who have died. This fortress of sorts is so strong that it would take an astroid to destroy it. They even baptized a bunch of dead Jews who were victims of the Holocaust. Now I want to stress its not like they are digging up these bodies and dipping them in water. Instead they are holding memorial baptisms in which they say the person’s name and go through the whole ritual of baptism sans the dipping of the body into the water. Now the theory is that in the afterlife they are given a choice of becoming Mormon and spending an eternity in paradise or of rejecting Mormonism and, well, I don’t need to tell you where a rejection lands you. This is fucked up.

Now even though I watched the rest of this yesterday morning/afternoon, I wound up having a dream last night that the Mormons were after me. As if that wasn’t bad enough, they sent Mitt Romney. That’s right people, Mitt Romney and the Mormons were after me and my soul. Now I don’t remember the specifics of the dream, but Mitt was wearing a white shirt and a tie. And they were all like “BLAAAAAH, BLAAAAAH, we’re the Mormons………………..BLAAAAAH!!!” I don’t know what any of that means, but it sounds pretty serious. Just imagine if Mitt and the Mormons (kind sounds like a lame band) showed up in your dreams to try to save your soul. After that I couldn’t sleep, in fact I woke up at 5:30, nearly an hour and a half before I was planning to get up. I could not fall back asleep for fear that Mittens (that’s what his hommies call him) would visit me.

Now before you all come down hard on the Mormons, consider this. From an Atheist’s point of view, all religions are nuts. Christians like to spend a good portion of time making fun of other religions, especially Mormonism. But, just look at Christianity. They will have you believe that a man died and came back to life 3 days later. Also the same very man could walk on water. There was another guy who lived to be 600 years old and even in his old age still found a way to part an entire sea. Another man carried on a conversation with a burning bush. And I’m not talking about a hallucination from a bad LSD trip,  I mean an actual “conversation”. Muslims believe that when you die you go up to heaven where 72 virgins await. You would think they would say 69 virgins, you know just to keep things consistent. Buddhists believe in reincarnation in which you can possibly come back as a dog, cat or any other number of animals. The point is, they are all pretty fucked up and goofy, so I don’t see Mormonism as being anymore goofy than any of the others.

Friday was another card game at closet gay Republican Scott’s house. Dave was supposed to be playing too, but he has only driven to Scott’s house one other time (all the other times I picked him up) and is without a cell phone right now due to his repeatly dropping his cell phone and his back up cell phone in coffee. I was driving down Scott’s street when I saw Dave’s car parked on the side of the street. Fortunately for him I saw him and he was able to follow me to Scott’s. Dave said that he had driven up and down the street already trying to find the house and now was planning on driving so slow and studying each house until he found it. Ohhhh……………..only Dave. That’s all I can say. As for the game itself, I really got my ass kicked in both games. That’s all I’m going to say about that.

Scott made some more comments about his latent homosexuality. He used terms like “twink” “bear” and “uncut” all terms a straight guy would never know. He also mentioned again that he had “accidently” clicked on some gay porn. Yeah, sure it was an accident. For a guy who clicks on gay porn only for an accident he seems to know a lot about it. Now normally I’m fully against outing somebody, but in the case of bigoted Christian conservatives, I have no problem doing it.

Scott also has a friend that plays cards with us who I was certain was snorting cocaine in the bathroom the last time we played. And this time I told everybody that I thought he was doing it then and again Friday night. By the end of the night I had everybody else reasonably convinced he was snorting coke in the bathroom or at least doing what is called a bump of coke. He was getting up to go to the bathroom what seemed like every half hour. And when I asked him about it he just kinda nervously laughed it off. Now my attitude normally is whatever anybody wants to do is none of my business. But, Scott’s wife is a cop so that puts her job in jeopardy. And Scott made a big deal a few months about about some guys who like to go out to their car after they are eliminated from the game and smoke pot. Yet, when I mentioned the coke to Scott, he defended the dude and said that he essentially didn’t care.

Last night my friend Danel had a birthday gathering (her b-day was Feb 19) at a Mexican restaurant in Bloomingdale. Now Danel does not officially know I’m gay, however she suspects as much. The other day I was chatting on gay.com when I found a guy we used to work with who is very good friends with Danel. I knew this guy was gay, but he did not know I’m gay. He said he would not tell Danel but it was quite awkward not only chatting with him but when I saw him at the party it was even more weird. Especially since we are both attracted to each other (although he does have a boyfriend). As for the gathering it was fun but rather uneventful. I ordered some sort of shrimp dish which although good, was VERY HOT, not that I minded, I love very hot, but also not very filling.

Danel is a regular at this bar/restaurant and knows some of the fellow patrons. She knows the name of this one lady Carol who walked in. So I pretended to know Carol and said to her “Carol? Wow it has been such a long time!” Carol stood there with a blank stare on her face. I replied with “Remember me? I dated your daughter years ago?” She kind of faked it at first like she remembered me but then asked how long ago I dated her. I said 6 or 7 years ago to which she replied “That’s not right, she has been married for 7 years.”

After dinner Danel, Phil (he was the gay guy) drove around for a good hour before we dropped Phil off and Danel and I went to Denny’s to hang out for a while.

And now its time for my interview with Tom Johnson, author of the book “I’m Gay, You’re Gay, Lets Get Lunch!”

Me: “So Tom, tell us a little bit about your book.”

Tom: “Well Mike, its about ways that gays can meet in a safe way with no added sexual pressure. See, with lunch, its limited to-”

Me: “Enough about the book, Tom, we only wanted a little bit. If I allow you to finish another sentence its gone from a little bit to quite a bit, and nobody really wants that. So, this book is about gays. Are you gay yourself?

Tom: “Yes. I think that was implied by the title, “I’m Gay.”

Me: “Ok Tom, no need to get uppity.”

Tom: “Nobody’s gettin uppity Mike.”

Me “Well now that we have that settled. So you are in this gay thing for the long haul, right? You aren’t going to have some sort of midlife crisis and all of a sudden choose to be straight are you?”

Tom: “What? No, I’m gay. Gay with a capital G-A-Y. I was get when I was young, gay now that I’m an adult and will be gay right until the party ends.”

Me: “Ohhhhhhhhhhkkkkkkkkkk. Easy there tiger. Nothing like outing yourself on national tv.”

Tom: “This is a blog. And not a very good one at that. A blog that nobody even reads.”

Me: “Pfffft……….National tv…………blog, whatever. Honestly, is there a difference? You with your precious words.”

Tom: “Mike, I though this was an interview. Are you gonna ask me some questions or what?”

Me: “Ok Tom, you want questions, huh? Sooooo Tom………….do you think instead of playing 48 minutes, the NBA should just have the teams play and the first one to 10 wins?”

Tom: “What? No, that would be too……………wait, I don’t even fuckin like basketball. And what does this have to do with my book? I’m supposed to be here talking about my Goddamn book!”

Mike: “Fine, if you insist. Jesus, the guy wants to talk about his fucking book. Ok, let’s talk about the book. I see it is #15 on the New York Times bestseller list, why #15? Why not #12 or #13? Or even #18.”

Tom: “Well, shit. I don’t even know where to begin to answer that question. First of all you dip shit, #18 is LOWER than #15. And I happen to think #15 is pretty good considering I’m a first time author that nobody has ever heard of. And it shows that more than just gay people are buying the book.”

Me: “Yes, but its not 12 or 13…………..”

Tom: “You know what, fuck this shit, I’ve had about enough of this interview. Good riddance, you second rate flub!”

That’s all we have for this time. Join us next time when our guest will be some guy who dropped a dime bag in a sewer.

You all probably lost sleep wondering how I did going without sugar for a day. You’ll be glad to know I didn’t lose sleep at all, in fact without sugar I slept most of the day at work. Actually, I wasn’t anymore tired than I normally am. I also wasn’t any less hyper, which is saying something because I’m pretty damn hyper. I should also stress that I did have some sugar, it was just much less than I normally do. See, I realized how fucking hard it is to go an entire day without ANY sugar. I was planning on having cereal for breakfast. As it turned out, 1% milk actually has 12 grams of sugar. And the fiber cereal had like 2 grams. Oh, and it tasted like shit, so I switched to Cheerios, which had I think 1 gram. So while eating the cereal, I tried to drink as little of the milk as possible. This did leave me a little more hungry than usual.

I get to work and normally I have 1 cup of coffee when I get to work. That’s my one cup for the entire day. Today, I had the coffee with only cream and no sugar. Made me really appreciate the added taste sugar adds to coffee.

My boss always has candy (like M&Ms) and cookies for us to eat. This was tough but I managed to not eat them the whole day. On my first break I was hungry as hell so I stood in front of the vending machine trying to decide what would be healthy, or at least semi healthy to eat without sugar. I saw some dry roasted peanuts. I bought them and as it turns out, they have like 2 grams of sugar! But, what was I going to do, I needed to eat something and there was nothing else healthy enough in the vending machine.

For lunch I had one of those Raman noodle cups. I don’t remember how much sugar was in there if any, but I think there was at least a gram. Unfortunately those things never fill me up, so when I went up for my last break I bought a package of those peanut butter crackers, as a co-worker suggested it because she thought it would not have any sugar. 4 motherfucking grams! I gave her the crackers. I was so hungry though and craving chocolate. I was tempted to give in especially when another lady at work gave me a Russell Stover’s mini heart (which has 4 pieces of chocolate) and some candy hearts. I didn’t touch them though. Instead I went to another person’s desk and grabbed some pretzels, which according to the container, have less than a gram of sugar.

Ok, so I made it through work, that was going to be the hardest part. But, with it being as cold as it has been I usually have some hot chocolate at night. It was tough, but I skipped it tonight. As for dinner, I had pasta with tomatoes (which probably have sugar, but its my understanding its a natural sugar and therefore not bad) and other assorted veggies. I put gobs and gobs of Parmesan cheese on it which does not have sugar. I’m anxious to see how I sleep tonight, I was actually falling asleep during the Bulls game, but I don’t know if that was from a lack of sleep or a lack of sugar. Because I only sleep about 6 hours a night, I find myself dozing off sometimes watching tv if I get too comfortable.

All of this made me realize how addicted we are too sugar. I mean, its in just about everything. Its kinda like how everything is made in China (and probably tainted with led), just about everything we consume has some amount of sugar. I know in Brazil they use sugar as fuel instead of oil. I always say that we would be much better off as a country if we stopped putting the sugar in our bodies and instead put it in our vehicles.

Nevertheless, I want to try this again. I want to plan this out better and buy foods that don’t have sugar. I honestly thought that I would be able to find more foods without sugar. How naive of me.

I’ve decided that tomorrow (and by tomorrow I mean Wednesday. If you are reading this on Thursday that means yesterday. If you are reading this on Friday, what the fuck took you so damn long? Shit, I could be dead by Friday. If you are reading this today, Tuesday, than you are a loyal and reliable reader. If you are reading this yesterday, meaning Monday than you either own magical powers in which you can tell the future or you own a time traveling Delorian. Either way, can you do something to make me so filthy fucking rich that I don’t have to work) I’m going to give up sugar for a day. Maybe two days, it really depends on how much of a sugar junkie I actually am. Answer: a huge sugar junkie. As you all know I’m a chocolate freak. And my day usually starts with a sugar filled cereal, a lot of times chocolate flavored. When I get to work I have one cup of coffee, lots of cream, lots of sugar (bonus points if you know what movie that’s from……….since you don’t know I will tell you: Beaches. Or maybe it was Pulp Fiction. I dunno, its easy to get them confused, especially since I’ve never seen Beaches and have no desire to see it. You can see my confusion though, can’t you). And people always have candy or cookies or many other things at their desk which I munch on. And a lot of times I will have oatmeal for lunch, which although healthy can contain sugar. See, I’m a naturally hyper person, but sugar only adds to my jumping off the walls personality. Maybe by the end of the day I will be a complete and utter wreck. Perhaps I will actually be able to sleep tomorrow night and it won’t take me 30-45 minutes to fall asleep. Either way it shall be a fun and interesting challenge.

I’ve been watching this thing on PBS about Mormons. Its two shows broken into 2 hours each and for those of you that are mathamagicians, equals 7 3/8ths hours. And because this is PBS, its a solid 4 hours because there are no commercial breaks.  I DVRd it so I have been watching it in segments as opposed to all at once. It has been very interesting. I have to say I didn’t know much about Mormons before but I do now. A lot of people think the Mormons are nuts, crazy or just a cult. And yes all of that may very well be true, but honestly, can’t the same be said about all religions? Still, that does not justify how other Christians have really persecuted them and excluded them. Its just the same old song and dance for Christians who always seem to be persecuting, denouncing or hating all sorts of different groups of people. Its so damn arrogant of them.

But, I digress. Here are some little know facts that I have made up about the Mormons:

• Mormons have magic underwear that as soon  as they put on gives them a magical, instant erection which can not only be used for intercourse, but also for use as a sword as well. In fact (and by fact I mean totally complete shit) one person even put out another person’s eye in the Great Sword Cock Fight of 1903.
• Mormons believe in plural marriage. Ok so everybody knows this one, but did you know that they also believe in plural divorce? That’s right, say you aren’t happy with one of your wives, you can use that one wife to get rid of all of the other wives! Its a unique loophole in the Mormon Charter which allows plural divorce to be decreed among all your marriages.
• Brigham Young once knocked up Babe’s Ruth’s mother. Old legend has it that he was walking down the street in his magic underwear when his penis sword popped out and flung his “magic beans” (its well known in the Mormon faith that he referred to his sperm as magic beans) 2000 miles to the east where Ruth’s mother was. From that day forward the American government legally made him wear a cock sock when he was in public.
• Former Mormon leader Charles A Callis wanted to de-saltify the Great Salt Lake so that people’s eyes would not burn when being baptized in the lake. Of course the ironic part here is that I just made up the world de-saltify.

So there you have it, just a few facts about the Mormons. I hope to have more as I finish reading the rest of the program on PBS. Yes, I’m well aware that I just referred to it as “reading the program on PBS. Deal with it.

What am I going to do without sugar?

Yesterday, even as I wrote the post, i was more hungover than I had ever been. It was so bad I’m convinced that is what death is like. It was one of those “I never going to drink again” type of hangovers. And its not like I drink often. Before then I had not been drunk since the weekend before Thanksgiving. Some people say that would be why I felt so bad because I don’t drink enough. Still I’m not going to become an alcoholic just so that I don’t have as many hangovers. Then again, I did drink for 16 hours, that is enough to give anybody a bad hangover. Needless to say, its gonna be a while before I drink anything again.

So Roger Clemens testified in front of Congress last week. I know a lot of people say that Congress should be busy with other things (like investigating this illegal war) and although I do agree with them 100%, I do see why they are looking into the steroid issue. What I don’t understand is why Sen. Arlen Spector is investigating if the  New England Patriots cheated before the 2002 Super Bowl. See, the ‘roid thing is illegal. Steroids are drugs and Congress has gone after all drugs so you can lump steroids in there. Also, lots of teen athletes do roids, so Congress is and should be concerned. But the Pats thing? That’s not illegal and it doesn’t affect people’s lives. No member of Congress or the government should be anywhere near this thing.

Another thing that I found frustrating is that the belief of Clemens was strictly down party lines. All of the Republicans believed him, all of the Democrats did not believe him. And why? Because Clemens is friends with the Bush clan. That makes me even lose more respect for him. Oh and he also looked guilty as hell during the testimony. Then again, its probably because he is guilty as hell.

The unthinkable has happened only about 75 miles from where I live. You hear stories about school shootings over the country and wonder what it would be like if it happens in your community, but today  it happened at Northern Illinois University. Although I did not go to NIU, I have spent some time there because my best friend went there from 1995-1998. I was stunned and saddened when I came home from work and heard about the shootings. For me I’ve always thought that school shootings happened in some gun happy southern state or in a heavily Republican state. Things like this aren’t supposed to happen in a blue state like Illinois on a red day such as Valentine’s Day. Yet, tonight the blue state is feeling a somber blue after this senseless tragedy. I could go on about how sad this makes me feel but the reality is that my sadness is nothing compared with the students at the school or the family and friends of the victims.

We are left to wonder why, although light is usually shed on these sort of things in the coming weeks. Then the debate turns to what can be done to prevent this sort of thing from happening in the future. The NRA and gun rights activists will say that we need to loosen gun laws and give people more and easier access to guns so that the students can defend themselves. I can’t disagree more; the solution to gun violence is not more guns; its finding  a way to keep guns out of the hands of people who should not have guns. You look at the history of school shootings, like Columbine or Virginia Tech among others and its always the kids with emotional or mental problems who do things like this. Of course, beefing up security is always a thought, but from what I hear NIU officials said that they had done that recently in response to the VT shootings and some other unrelated threats in December. And campus police were on the scene literally within 2 minutes of the start of the shootings, which when you think about it is a pretty damn quick response time.

Although one school shooting is one too many, we are lucky these mass public shootings don’t happen more often. We live in a gun happy society with a lot of large public gatherings; whether its school, work, sporting events, carnivals, shopping malls or many other things. Of course 2 weeks ago there were six ladies murdered in a robbery in Tinley Park, IL which is a town only about 20 minutes from me. Still there was a clear motive of robbery in that case. Its still tragic and sad. But, we know the reason behind it. These school shootings seem to be done by mentally sick people with sick and sometimes unclear motives. I guess in the end, its all still murder and its all still tragic. Damn.