I haven’t had a chance to comment on this yet, but that whole Brett Favre situation is really crazy. Now I’m a die hard Bears fan so that means the Packers are my natural enemy. I just can’t understand why the Packers are so strongly against his coming back, I mean could you imagine if the Bulls told Jordan that they didn’t want him after his first retirement? Granted Favre is no Jordan, but he is Green Bay’s Jordan. Today the Packers offered him 20 million dollars to stay retired. If my former employer offered me 20 mil to stay retired, not only would I get the rather large hint but after I got the money I would also change my name so that they couldn’t find me in case they wanted it back.  Now I understand Farve is 38 going on 39 and his best days are behind him. Although he did have a pretty damn good year last year, he is on the decline and won’t have another year like that. But that being said, he is still pretty good. Why don’t they want him back? What, did he fuck the owner’s wife or something like that? Who did he piss off that they are acting the way they are acting. They are refusing to trade or release him yet they won’t play him and have told him not to show up to camp. The only thing more baffling than the Packers actions is Farve’s. Doesn’t the guy take a hint? Dude, they don’t want you, just let it go. Brett Farve has almost become a stalker. He remains in Mississippi scrimmaging with high school students. Meanwhile the commissioner of the NFL, Roger Goodell has gotten involved to try to sort things out.

The whole thing is like a relationship. Farve is the wife who leaves the husband. Now the wife wants a divorce so that she can get remarried. But, the husband is refusing to grant that divorce, yet won’t allow the wife to see other men. So what does the wife do? Says she is going to show up and not leave until you either unconditionally accept me back or divorce me out right so that I can get on with my life. The husband almost needs to get a restraining order to keep the stalker wife away from the property and the husband. While waiting for the husband to make a decision, the wife spends all of her time whorin’ it up with a bunch of 17 and 18 year old studs. The husband just wants it all to go away without her finding somebody else, so he throws a bunch of money at the problem in the hopes it will make her go away and stay away. Now there is a third party getting involved to help things come to a fair resolution for everybody.

Just try telling me that the Favre-Packers situation isn’t like some sort of domestic non violent dispute between a couple.

That being said, I hate the fucking Packers so I hope they get fucked in this whole thing.

So I’m thinkin I should bring at least some sort of protection on my trip. And no, I don’t mean condoms (although I should bring those as well). I mean, something to protect me in case of a mugging. The only place I’m even slightly worried about it is in Dallas as I might be out there late at night by myself. And considering that this is Texas and EVERYBODY is armed, I should have something to defend myself. Just a side note, gun sales are up 10% in Texas this year and the theory I have heard is that Texans are worried that Obama will win and therefore increase the likeliness of a terrorist attack. But nevertheless, I need a weapon. I’ve already ruled out a gun. See, if I get a gun then I have to become paranoid and my eyes need to be shifty. I have to assume that every other person wants to attack me. And I’m just not that crazy. I could get a knife, but that probably wouldn’t work either. If I carried a pocked knife, I would have to get several tattoos, would need to start smoking and stop shaving and showering. Basically, I would have to almost become a vagrant. Then there is a baseball bat. The problem with that is its impossible to hide. Also, I’m not exactly in the mafia so I really can’t use a bat as a weapon. I think the best thing for me would be pepper spray. Chicks carry pepper spray and let’s face it, when it comes to fighting, I’m a chick. And I don’t want just your average run of the mill pepper spray. I want pepper spray that is going to be so powerful it leaves the attacker sterile. The question is where do I get powerful pepper spray from?

I was also trying to decide what to wear should I make it out to a club or bar in Dallas. Many of you already know that I’m nothing if not a fashion disaster. I was thinking about wearing shorts, but was told that one should not wear shorts to a club. So, its going to have to be jeans. And a tee shirt. Maybe a polo, I have to be honest I don’t have any good polo shirts that would look good to wear out to a bar. Then there is shoes. What kind of shoes do I wear? Ahhhhh, fuck it, I’ll just show up naked.

I was thinking about something last night. When people have threesomes at somebody’s house, who sleeps on the couch? Honestly, you aren’t going to fit 3 adult sized people in a bed, that means somebody gets fucked. How is it decided? Does the whole sexual performance determine where somebody sleeps? Maybe the first person to cum gets the couch. That would only be fair if everybody knows before the sex starts that your performance determines where you sleep. Or maybe there is a coin toss. Or rock, paper scissors. Or they draw cards and the lowest card moves their ass to the fuckin couch. Is the subject even discussed before the sex? Because that could ruin a really great evening if after its all over there is some huge fight about who doesn’t get to sleep in the bed. I’m all for the performance determining sleeping arrangements, that way you know that everybody is going to be trying as hard as they can and you can almost guarantee you are going to get their A game.

Ok so since I’m leaving for my trip this weekend most of my posts this week will be about my trip. First of all, lets look at what life was like in America in 1948.

• There was no interstate
• 1948 was the last year the Cleveland Indians won the World Series
• Citation won horse racing’s triple crown
• The Ed Sullivan Show premiered, as did the CBS Evening News, Howdy Doody and Meet The Press
• Babe Ruth died.
• There were only 48 states, Alaska and Hawaii had yet to be admitted.
• Harry Truman beat Thomas Dewey in the presidential election in spite of the Chicago Tribune headline
• Cost of a gallon of gas: 16 cents.
• Average cost of a new house was $7,700 which was good because the average yearly wage was $2,950.

Some people are worried (myself among them) about my safety on my trip. Well, I should be ok, because I’m bringing the guns with, take a look

Yeah, ain’t nobody gonna mess with that shit!

So what makes a guy take a long road trip covering 9 states over 5 days? Maybe its because his dad took a similar trip 60 years ago to the month with his 2 friends. Is it that the father died when the son was 4 and one of the only known connections between the dad and the son is the love of the road? Could this be a way for the son to finally connect with the dad? Perhaps this is something son needs to do to feel like he shares something with the dad besides a love of baseball. Maybe because the son never had a chance to say goodbye to the dad that somehow this is a way to say goodbye. Maybe the son needs to take this trip in spite of the dangers of traveling long distances alone. Maybe the son feels one way to keep the dad’s memory alive is to follow in the father’s car tracks 60 years later? Could this be a way for the son to finally know his dad in a way he never did before?

Maybe the son has such an overwhelming yearning to travel and see the world that nothing would stop him. Maybe the son periodically stares at maps and atlases dreaming of the times when he will travel and see the country and the world. Could it be that the son is one with the road and is willing to travel at any cost? Perhaps the son is woken up with dream after dream of traveling and seeing the world and the only way to stop those dreams is to just get out and see the world, even if it is alone. Because, the son believes that given the choice between waiting forever to find somebody to travel with or traveling by himself there is only one choice: get out there and see the world because there is no guarantee that he will ever get to see it.

Maybe none of it is true. Or maybe all of it is true. I guess I will find out soon enough.

Friday night was another card game at Scott’s house. There was this one cute guy there who happens to be a regional manager for Dunkin Donuts. I found out from him that outside of the midwest there are not very many Dunkin Donuts across the country. Which means that America does not actually run on Dunkin. I was really looking forward to drinking Dunkin Donuts coffee on my trip (for those of you not familiar with Dunkin Donuts coffee, it is the best coffee ever) but it turns out most of the states I will be in either don’t have a Dunkin Donuts or have very few. For example, another great lie is that everything is not bigger in Texas, as they only have 5 Dunkin Donuts across the entire state. I also made the mistake of complaining to this dude about a Dunkin Donuts in my area (although he has nothing to do with this DD) and that made Dave go off on several complaints. One is that they no longer make the donuts with the handles and also no longer make the apple crisp donuts. I swear sometimes nothing raises Dave’s passion as much as food.

As for the games themselves,  I did all right in the first game, finishing 3rd which got my money back. I did however make a very bad mistake in one hand losing a ton of chips to Dave because I misread my cards and thought I had a straight. I wish I could say that was the biggest mistake I’ve ever made in poker but the reality is that I’m known for doing dumb shit like that. The 2nd game I didn’t even finish in the money.

Yesterday I spent most of the day watching the Cubs game and replacing ceiling tiles for my drop down ceiling. See, when the roof leaked it stained a lot of the tiles so they needed replacement. Although it was easy enough for John and me to do it, it was still a bit of a pain in the ass at times. That being said, it looks much better then it did before. Slowly but surly my house is starting to look like a decent house that somebody might want to actually purchase.

As for the Cubs, I thought this year was the year we have long been waiting for but the past 2 weeks they have kinda reverted back to the old Cubs we have been watching for years. This weekend was a very inconsistent weekend against the hated Florida Marlins. Tomorrow they start a big 4 game series in Milwaukee against the Brewers, who are one game back in second place charging hard after the Cubs. The Cubs are slowly on a downward spiral that it would not surprise me if they lost 3 of 4 against the Brewers. Even if that or worse happens, there is still plenty of time left in the season and I’m not all that worried. That being said, they can do themselves a favor by at least splitting the series.

Long time readers (both of you) might remember a post I made a while back about nerding up songs. What I mean that by is most songs are grammatically incorrect. Not just grammatically incorrect, but basically disasters. The reason being is that there is nothing even remotely cool to being grammatically correct. And if there is one thing we know about music is that its cool. Except for Michael Bolton. Its scientifically impossible for him to be cool.  Now let’s just give some examples of some songs and lyrics and what they would be if they were nerded up:

Beck- “Where It’s At“       
 Nerd version- “Where its located.”
Linkin Park- “Everything you say to me brings me one step closer to the edge and I’m about to break”
Nerd version- “Everything you say to me while engaged in conversation brings me one step closer to the direction of the edge and I’m about to break.”
The Eagels- “Hotel California” “You can check out anytime you’d like, but you can’t ever leave.”
Nerd version- “You can make plans to exit the premises anytime you would like to exit the premises but you can not ever remove yourself from the premises.”
The Rolling Stones- “(I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction“
Nerd version- “I Can Not Get Any Of The Satisfaction“
Snoop Dogg- “Gin & Juice” “I got bitches in the living room gettin’ it on and they ain’t leavin’ ’til six in the mornin’“
Nerd version- “I have got people of the female persuasion in the front portion of the home having sexual intercourse. The people of the female persuasion are not going to leave the house until six o’clock in the Ante Meridiem”
Outkast- “Hey Ya” “My baby don’t mess around because she loves me so and this I know for sure.”
Nerd version- “The girl I’m currently married to does not commit adultery because she loves me a great deal and this is something that I know happens to be true.”

See what I mean, if songs were like this, they would be fucking awful. There is nothing cool about being grammatically correct in music. And these are only a few examples, there are far more.

You pretty much all know that I’m taking a road trip in a couple of weeks to meet with my pimp in Dallas. Ohhhh, pimpy pimpy……………here pimpy pimpy. Nevertheless, it got me to thinking about odds certain things will happen. See, now that I’m in the handicapping business, I can give you official genuine odds which you can take to your local bank and place a bet? Why a bank, well with the banking crisis much like a desperate degenerate gambler, the banks are trying anything to make money and stay in business. So, they are taking bets. You walk in and say you want to place a wager on the Mike Road Trip and they take your cash. Now you are probably thinking “well, fuck Mike, what can I bet on? And more importantly what are the odds?” Well, that’s why you are here, isn’t it? So let’s look at what we are betting on shall we:

• Odds on me getting lost: 2-1.
• Odds on me getting lost before I even make it out of the county: 2-5.
      What’s that you say, how can the odds of getting lost before I make it out of the county be better than the odds of me getting lost? I don’t know people, I ain’t a exactly a odds making expert or professional, I just want your money.
• Odds I will pick up a hitchhiker: 4-1
• Odds that the hitchhiker will give me road head: 8-1
• Odd I will get a speeding ticket: 5-1
• Odds I will lead the police on a 2 state chase due to my “stash” in the backseat: 11-1
• Odd I get outsmarted by a Texan and I lose all my money: 1,000-1
• Odds a dumbass like myself can outsmart even the smartest person in Texas: 6-1
• Odds I get laid: 15,464,874-1
• Odds I get mistaken for being Mexican: 1-1
• Odds I make it back alive and in one piece with no pieces missing: 3-1

So there you go, please place your bets. Now, now, now people get moving!

Friday night Mark, Amy and the kids came over for dinner. We had some good ass bbq ribs along with other things. One thing that really made me laugh was Mark was telling a story about how one of his friends is overly attentive and over protective of his own 2 kids. While Mark was telling us the story he got very animated and was moving around and swinging his arms. He swung his right arm back just as Addison was coming up from behind him and he accidently bumped his arm into her. Of course, I felt bad for her but could not stop laughing from the irony of him talking about his friend being an overprotective parent and then Addison walking into his arm. Classic.

Yesterday was the annual Rene birthdays in July birthday party. See, we have about 3 or 4 of our group of friends with birthdays in July, so we have a party to celebrate all of them. The party was to start at 2 in the pm and normally I’m the first one there shortly after the start time. But, yesterday I went to get my haircut and the place was PACKED and it took a lot longer than normal. Of course, it doesn’t help that I didn’t even get up until almost 10:30 but hey, I like to sleep in. As for the party there were not nearly as many people there as normal, although we did still have a good time. We played beanbags and I was doing ok early on. Then we all started talking about Shotgun Eddy’s and for some reason, next thing I know I got burning red hot. It was like I couldn’t miss the damn hole. It was like the hole was the size of a basketball hoop and I was throwing a tennis ball. Dave and I skunked 3 games in a row each time winning in just 3 turns. Then we stopped for a little while and when we resumed, I came back down to earth. Still, we had a good time.

One thing that kinda pissed me off was John. He left the party without saying goodbye to anybody. In fact, nobody even knew he left, all of a sudden he was just gone. And although he said he would play baseball today, last night when Scooty asked him if he wanted to see The Dark Knight, he was quick to agree to go to the 10am show (honestly, who the fuck goes to a movie at 10 in the morning anyway?), in spite of the fact that we were playing baseball at 12:30. I told him that the movie was 2 1/2 hours long and therefore he could still play afterwards but he said that he didn’t think we would have enough people to play. Well, the joke was on him, we actually had 7 on 7 which is a good size game for us. Everybody thinks John is a nice guy, which for the most part he is, but he just does a lot of dickish things, which in turn makes him a dick. Leaving a party without saying goodbye is something has done several times over the years, but it makes you a dick. Not showing up to Clem’s on certain weeks and not bothering to tell anybody that you aren’t going is a dickish thing to do. Its not like he had a fight with anybody last night and he certainly didn’t have a fight with me. So why he chooses to do those things is beyond me, but its rude and it makes him a dick.

As for baseball, it was a pretty good time. I was concerned that we would only have 6 or 7 people, but more people showed up than we expected. And, there were 3 guys hitting the ball around so we got them to play too. Our team though got our asses kicked. I’m always one of the captains and I just have not picked good teams in the games we have played this year. As for me on one play I was running from second to third and there was some mud between the bases from our heavy rains last night. I slipped on it and fell right the fuck down and was tagged out. I was ok, the only thing that was hurt was my ego. And even that wasn’t hurt as when it comes to sports, because I’m clumsy and not the least bit graceful, I have no sports ego.

That’s all for now, hope you all had a good weekend.

You might have noticed that I added more music. Actually a lot more music, most of which was Richard Cheese, a lounge act who plays funny lounge versions of pop, metal and rap songs. I found out about him about 4 or 5 years ago from Danel. Danel and I have the same type of warped humor and found him funny. One memory that really sticks out was us going to a Cubs game and listening to him in the car on the way home. Those of you who have not gone to a Cubs game, the park is located in a northside Chicago neighborhood and is always sold out. In addition, there are legions of people hanging outside the park and in the bars in the area. Well, after the game amiss the sea of people walking the streets, Danel and I drove in her car with the windows down and Richard Cheese blaring out of the speakers. We just sat there singing to Cheese’s version of Nirvana’s “Rape Me“, among other songs and laughing people stared at us like we were freaks or in some cases laughed right along with us. Some of you might not know the original songs so I have added Disturbed’s “Down With The Sickness” along with Cheese’s version.

Last week I watched the 3rd season finale of Morgan Spurlock’s 30 Days. I have written about the show before, but here is a quick refresher. They take one person and move them in with somebody of an opposite  view point or they have somebody live 30 days in somebody else’s shoes. For example, one show this season had an anti gay adoption bitch living with a gay couple with their adopted children. Another episode had a former NFL player living 30 days in a wheel chair.

Ok, so you get the concept. The season finale had Morgan living 30 days on an Indian reservation. I have to say, this was a total eye opener. Call me ignorant, but I had no idea the poor and destitute living conditions on these reservations. Its like they aren’t even part of America, even though they are located right in America. Sure, they could be considered their own nations, but they are still part of America. Yet, as we always have, we treat them like shit. Some of the residents don’t even have their own running water. My writing can not do justice to the sad conditions of these places, all I can say is that you need to either watch that episode or find other ways to learn more about life on a reservation.

I really don’t know what to write about tonight. Its been a long time since I wrote about politics, but to be honest, I’m kinda all politicked out right now. Having nothing to write about is bad for you the reader. But its good for me the writer, as it gives me a chance to write a little bit about my favorite subject: baseball. Usually when I want to write but don’t know what to write about, I turn to baseball, much like how when I’m bored and have nothing to do I masterbate. See, I was bored on the way home from work today so I masterbated 3 times. Wait. I’ve said too much.

Nevertheless, we are at the halfway point in the baseball season. For the first time in a hundred years, the Cubs have the best record in baseball this late into the season. Ok, I should clarify, they are tied for the best record with the Los Angeles California Anaheim Los Angels Pawtucket Springfield Quahog Angels of Anaheim. But still, more importantly the Cubs have a rather significant lead for the best record in the National League. Because of this, idiot Cub fans elected Kosake Fukudome to the All Star game. Now don’t get me wrong, I love Fuk, I just don’t think he is anywhere near an All Star. Ok, in defense of my fellow Cub fans, Fukudome probably received a lot of online votes from people in Japan. But that doesn’t change the fact that he is not an All Star. And because dumbass Comish Bud Selig came up with a bad idea of giving the league that wins the All Star game home field advantage in the World Series, that means the All Star game (which is still considered an exhibition game, mind you) is the most important game of the year. Furthermore, the Cubs play out of their minds great at home, which means that this All Star game could very well be the most important game for the Cubs in years. And I want nothing but the best players having the best seasons playing for the NL team. Of course, this being the Cubs, its kinda ridiculous to talk about the World Series and the Cubs in July. This is the Cubs and a lot can and usually does happen. But, that being said, in theory the previous seasons have no affect on this one. And the Cubs stand as good of a chance as I’ve ever seen them of reaching the World Series. Sure, it won’t be easy and they still have a lot of question marks, but right now, they have got to be the favorite in the National League.

Who will the Cubs play should they be fortunate enough to make it to the Series? Most of Chicago would say the White Sox because let’s face it, this town would go nuts if they played each other in the World Series for the first time since 1906. The reality is that although the Cubs are more likely to make the playoffs than the Sox, the Sox are more likely to make it to the World Series. How does that make sense you say? Well, the Cubs are built on hitting, the Sox built on pitching. Hitting is great in the regular season and can get you very far in the regular season. Pitching however wins you games and series in the post season. The Sox very well might have the best pitching in baseball. What does it all mean? Well, I think it means that both teams are going to be playing in the same post season for the first time since 1906. That being said, I just don’t think both will make it to the World Series. Certainly I’m rooting with all my heart, soul and brains for the Cubs to win it all. I have to say though that the Sox will make it to the World Series while the Cubs lose in the NLCS. But, this is why they play the game. I guess we will just have to check back come October.