Last night I played cards with Jt and his friend Dan along with a bunch of Dan’s friends. Originally I didn’t think I would be playing. Ok, well not originally but secondly. See, last week Jt said that Dan was going to be having a game on Saturday the 12th at 3 in the pm. Well, then I got an email from Jt on Thursday giving me the address and saying that the game was Friday at 8pm. I kinda blew it off because I just didn’t feel like playing. Now for the record, I don’t normally blow things off. Well, at least things that don’t squirt. Saturday afternoon I got a call from Dave asking if I was playing that night. I explained to him that the game was on Friday night and not Saturday. Well, he called Jt and called me back saying that it was going to be on Saturday. So I picked Dave up shortly after 7 and we headed to Dan’s house. We got there and as we walked to the door I recognized a guy I work with. Ok, so I don’t really directly work with him but we work at the same company. His sister was there too and she recognized me as well because she used to work there too, although to be honest I have no recollection of her at all. She and I not only wound up at the same table but also sitting right next to each other. She was sitting directly across from Jt’s 17 year old nephew, Mini Me. He looks a lot like Jt, which is weird because his mother is only Jt’s half sister. I was directly across from a very cute guy with pretty blue eyes who I have met once or twice before. Although he claims to be straight, I’ve always suspected that he might be gay. By the end of the night, I was damn near convinced he was gay. But more on that later. On the other side of me was this big guy with comically long sideburns whom I have never liked. He’s a dick.
We finally got started about 7:20pm. About 45 minutes into the game I was alone in a pot with Jt’s nephew. He bet and I responded by saying “I’ll call you and I raise.” Well, I guess saying “I’ll call and I raise” is against the rules in poker, at least according to Captain Sideburns. Here is how the conversation went after the hand.
Mr Sideburns So Long They Could Be Mistaken For Pubes: “I don’t want to sound like a dick, but just to let you know, its illegal for you to say that. Although this is not an official game, you should be careful with what you say as you might offend someone.”
Me: “Oh really? Well I had no idea this was an officially sanctioned game. I guess if the International Poker Commission comes busting through the door I’ll have to watch my mouth.”
There was a brief exchange that I couldn’t quite remember but nothing that caused any sort of friction. I think by my response I pretty much just made him and his side burns feel like about 3 inches big and he never said anything like that again the rest of the night. Too bad I couldn’t say the same for myself. A little while later after I won a hand I turned to him and asked if I had done everything properly and spoke correctly. He then said “Your mocking me aren’t you?” To which I replied “Yes.” Now this is the same guy who about a year ago was taken out of a game by Dave and got pissed and threw his chips at Dave. I knew this going into the game but that didn’t stop me. He didn’t really turn out to be much of a dick at all.
The cute guy kept getting a phone call from a friend of his who was coming to play. He got there and after a while, I could sense that they might be more than just friends. Sure they both have girlfriends, but there definitely seemed to be some sort of Brokeback Mountain connection between the two. Now I’ve never had a good gaydar. In fact, I’m convinced I don’t have a gaydar. But, something about these 2 made me believe they were on the down low. For starters, the cute guy was out but his friend was still in. He stuck around sitting next to his friend the whole time and at one part even had his arm on the back of his friend’s chair. They kept talking to each other and I kept watching them interact.
Meanwhile, we played on. We started the game with 17 people. I eventually found my way to the final table with 7 other people including Dave and Jt. I was next to Dan’s very drunk wife. Early on I got the distinct impression that she didn’t like me. I dunno, maybe it was from when she said that I was a complete nutjob and not in a good way. Or maybe it was because she kept saying that I looked just like some asshole she works with who she can’t stand. Finally I told her that she looked like the chick from Goodfellas who needed her lucky hat to fly (if you’ve seen the movie you know exactly who I’m talking about. If you have not seen the movie, I’m going to have in insist that you stop reading and at once watch the movie). She did not take kindly to this, pretty much telling Dan to “get this motherfucker out of our house”. Although I’m sure she was kidding, I think it was obvious that she did not like me much.
Now here is when things get a little gay. Don’t ask how, but the cute guy, his friend and I started singing Billy Ocean songs. When I told his friend that I had a Billy Ocean tattoo on the bottom of my back near my ass he replied by saying “I’ve never known anybody with a Billy Ocean tattoo. Now I’m going to have to fuck your boy pussy and squirt my man juice all over your Billy Ocean tattoo.” With that it was on. I should be clear though, I do not have any tattoos. Still this lead us down a path of one ups which boarded on both of telling a running version of the Aristocrats joke (if you haven’t seen that movie, now just ad you have come back from watching Goodfellas I’m going to insist that you once again stop reading and watch that movie) complete with tails of us fucking our own mothers, rubbing up against our uncles and grandpa’s erections and many other highly inappropriate and vulgarly disgusting comments. Still we went back and forth and occasionally he, the cute guy and I would break into Billy Ocean songs. He even admitted that he had been listening to Air Supply on the way here. Meanwhile, everybody else kinda found some of what we were saying funny but also disgusting and offensive. Oh, did I mention that we were both still in the game? I think it had become an afterthought for both of us, although you would never know it by the way he was winning.
A little while later I could hear the Air Supply dude and the cute dude (the Air Supply dude was kinda cute too, but not really my type. Although I wouldn’t throw him out of bed and would not be opposed to him squirting his man juice on me) talk about how once the Air Supply dude moves out of his apartment perhaps that he can move in with the cute dude. In downtown Chicago, which might as well be Boystown if you ask me. Then after the Air Supply dude was taken out he and the cute guy left together. So you tell me, are they not just a little bit gay? Of course, neither one of them knew I was gay, but fuck if they don’t suspect as much by now then I can’t help them.
As for the game, I finished 5th, right before Dave got taken out finishing in 4th place. Air Supply finished 3rd, Mr I Need A Lawnmower To Cut My Sideburns finished 2nd and Jt was first.
Today was (and follow me here) my cousin’s daughter’s son’s middle school graduation party. To explain it better my first cousin has a daughter who has a son who is my third cousin. The party was at the same place where Nate and Izzy’s birthday party was. I saw a bunch of family that I don’t normally get the chance to see. I was talking with my cousin’s husband and I told him that I was going to take a road trip next month. He told me that when he was 17 he and 2 friends took a bus to Florida where they hitchhiked from Florida to California before taking a train back home. This was back in the 1950s. He said it was a great time and he loved it. He told me some details of the trip which sounded very cool, although I don’t know if people could still hitchhike across the country in this day and age.
That’s all for now people. Have a good day.
