Jeez, I fucking swear sometimes I manage to make the easiest things hard as hell. each year my company raises money for a committee called the Adopt A Family in which we raise money to either buy shit for families at Christmas time or to have the whole family killed. Last year I decided to have a family killed. This year I decided to buy shit for a family………….and maybe have them killed afterward, I haven’t decided yet. Anywho, I was given a certain amount of money which I shall not mention here (I will mention it here though, once something is in between parenthesis its totally different. Let’s go ahead and say $300 to split up $50 each on 6 kids) and told to go ape shit. I always love money that is not my own. Still one would think that this would be a simple enough task. Well for a normal person, being given money to spend on other people would seem to be a walk in the park. As many of you know though, I’m far from fucking normal.

Now for starters I was kind of given a tough task. Last year I was given a wide range of people, some kids, some adults and some really old people, like well into their 80s and most of them really fat. I had to buy clothes that were so big I could have lived in them. And I was given male and female. This year though, I was given 6 girls all between the ages of 6 and 14 and all of which are not fat. In fact, most of them who were around the same age had the same sizes in clothes. There are two ways to look at this. One is that it makes things easy, you just run right out and buy all things that are the same or almost the same. The other way to look at this is that it can be made very complicated keeping everything straight as to what you bought for each person. Somebody who is not very organized and doesn’t keep good track of things would turn this into a very difficult task. Now since I’m a total and utter disaster when it comes to being organized, as you might imagine I quickly turned this thing into a disaster.

A normal person could probably knock this out in one shopping trip. At first that was my goal, go to the store once with the lists, spend the money and get on with my life. Since I had Wednesday (the day before Thanksgiving) off, I decided this would be the day I take care of it all. I went to Target and starting just grabbing all sorts of clothes and some toys. Things were going great until I got to the 12,13, and 14 year old. The list said that the 14 year old took a size something or another in misses. Ok, what the fuck does that mean, misses? You have to understand, I’m a guy, when I hear the term misses I think of Shaq at the free throw line. Honestly, what is the difference between ladies, misses and girls? Seems to me they are all female so why would there be a difference. I decided that I would buy what I can at Target and then stop off at Circuit City to get a cd player for one of the girls, since they are closing and EVERYTHING must go. I figured I could then take the time to learn what the fuck misses means.

So I go to Circuit City. Ahhhh, an easy store, no fucked up terms like misses or juniors, just simple for dumb guys like me. You have computers, cameras, audio, video games, cds and dvds all separated clearly in sections. The store though was closing so there wasn’t much left but I figured I could get a deal on a cd player, provided I could find one. For a store that didn’t have much merchandise or people, it was amazingly hard to find something as simple as a portable cd player, but finally after about 20 minutes I found it: a portable, pink cd player with headphones for only $23 after taxes. Now because these are all gifts, I’m required to get a gift receit for everything. Of course, being that this store is closing, they did not give me a gift receipt. I didn’t think that it was a big deal until I paid for it and the sales clerk stamped in big red letters “ALL SALES FINAL” on the reciet. Ok, now this girl can’t even take the damn thing back if it doesn’t work.

Flash forward to yesterday, Saturday. I decided this would be the day I finish it. So I went to Kohl’s with the lists in hand. Only one problem. Although I had a list of what each girl wanted, I had no idea what I had bought for each girl. I did write on a sheet of paper how much I spent on each girl but not what I had purchased. So, what more did I need? I did know there were a couple of girls I had bought very little or nothing for, so I started with them. Simple enough. I spent another hundred dollars there and went home. Looks like I would need to make one more trip but had things to do so I would have to finish it tomorrow, Sunday. I got up today with the sense that it would be all over, after all I need to make it al over I have to have everything at work by December 3, just 3 days away. I now need to sort though to see who I still need to buy for and how much I need to spend. A smart, well organized person would have come right home yesterday and sorted everything into the correct bags so they would know who they bought for yesterday. Not me though, I just put the shit in my room and went about my day. Today when I took it all out, I had to stop and try to find out who I bought for yesterday. Of course, being 24 hours ago, I had no recollection of who I had bought for. And since the sizes were similar, this resulted in me pulling everything out of bags and staring at them and the lists to try to determine who’s shit belong with who’s list. After a good half hour of sorting, I thought I had a good enough hanlde on things to finish once and for all.

I drove all the way to Target and starting shopping, excited that I would finally be done. I limited it to 3 girls I needed to buy for. I started piling things into the cart when I realized something. I had forgotten the money at home. Oh fuck me! Not that big of a deal though, I would just use the money I had in my wallet, as I’m sure I’ve got the nearly $60 left to end this thing. I open my wallet and find only about $53. Son of a fucking bitch! I’m going to have to buy what I can and finish this damn thing at another time. UGGGGHHHH!!!

Lesson learned? Nothing. I got home, threw the bag on my bed instead of dividing it up among the girls I bought for.

Tomorrow’s the day though. Tomorrow I finish!

Ahhhh Thanksgiving. The night before Thanksgiving always reminds me of the time when I was about 10 and my mom was in the kitchen making some of the stuff for the next day’s meal and I was in the living room dancing to the music on the Weather Channel for hours and hours. I know it sounds weird, but I was a weird child much like I’m a weird adult.

The other day I was talking to a Republican friend of mine who said that Obama is going to run the country into the ground. We weren’t in a big discussion about politics so I did not respond to what she said but I certainly thought about it. I mean, honestly, how can anybody say that he is going to run the country into the ground when clearly Bush has already plowed us so far into the ground that there is nowhere to go but up. Bush has dug us such a hole that if the Bush presidency were a movie it would be called “Journey to the Center of the Earth”. Now it remains to be seen if Obama will do any good but the one thing you can’t say is that he is inheriting a country that is doing great, unlike Bush who came into office after a peaceful and prosperous Clinton presidency. Although I don’t agree with some of Obama’s ideas to get the economy running again, I do recognize that he has got his work more than cut out for him and he seems to have a very good understanding on how serious of a problem this economic crisis has become. He is talking about hitting the ground running and even getting things done on his very first day in office. I’m very impressed with that thinking. He seems to be the complete opposite of Bush in that he is going to be great in a crisis. I firmly believe that if Obama had been president on September 11th, he would have not sat there frozen like a deer in headlights reading to school children when finding out that our country had been attacked. I know people who still try to defend Bush for that, but after learning more about the attacks, Bush could have prevented the third and fourth planes from crashing had he ordered all planes out of the sky after the first plane hit the tower. And let’s not forget Bush’s reaction to Hurricane Katrina, his response time was dangerously slow. Then there is the Iraq war (which was bullshit to begin with, but that’s a different story) he waited until we were 3 1/2 years into a complete and utter clusterfuck before deciding that he not only needed to get rid of Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld but also to change course by implementing a surge. As for the economic crisis, he didn’t even acknowledge a problem until things has spun so far out of control that we were past the point of no return. Time and time again the man has proven to be the human equivalent of Katrina, a disaster when it comes to a crisis. If an Obama presidency is like the Obama presidential campaign (and I believe it will be) we will have a president who remains calm and cool in a crisis and has an appropriate sense of urgency to help prevent disasters or lessen the damage done by disasters. I think we should all be thankful this year that there are only 55 days left until Obama takes office. Notice I said we all SHOULD be thankful, as there are still over 50 million people who are not thankful that he will be in office. But, they should be.

There was this thing on the History Channel tonight about a plot to kill Hitler. I didn’t get a chance to watch the whole thing, but did record it so I can watch it. Why is it that when there was a plot to kill Hitler it was foiled but the assassination of JFK could not be foiled? I mean, sure, Hitler still wound up dead in the end but it still sucks that he wasn’t able to be killed sooner. I think its fair to say that there were probably more people that wanted Hitler dead than JFK, yet we were unable to protect JFK but Hitler was unkillable? Somethin just aint right about that.

Of course, a lot of people believe that there is a curse on the Kennedy family. I’ve never been one to believe that. After all, let’s look at the “bad luck” they have had.

• Ted Kennedy drives a car off a bridge killing his passenger. Rumor has it he was drunk. It is well documented that he has a drinking problem. Verdict: Stupidity. Very stupid. Fucking fucking stupid, that’s twice the fucking stupid as a normal fucking stupid person.
• David Kennedy dies from an overdose on Demerol and cocaine. Verdict: Stupidity. Sure, not as stupid as Ted but still stupid nonetheless. After all with all the money these people have, couldn’t he afford to pay somebody to make sure he doesn’t OD?
• Christian Onassis, Jackie’s stepdaughter, dies of drug abuse related heart failure. Verdict: Stupidity. I’m seeing a pattern here, the Kennedy clan has substance abuse problems.
• Michael Kennedy dies after hitting a tree skiing drunk down a mountain. Verdict: Stupidity. This one is on par with Ted, but because he is the only victim its not at Ted level. Still, that makes the count Trees 1, Kennedy’s 0.
• Patrick Kennedy treated for cocaine addiction. Verdict: the jury is still out. Sure, it might have been 22 years ago but he is still alive and seems to be clean. Seems to be clean. Sure, its stupid to become a cocaine addict, but its smart to clean up. We can let him off on this one. Let’s change the verdict to recovering stupidity.
• John F Kennedy Jr dies when the plane he is piloting crashes. He had just recently gotten his pilot’s license and was not licensed to fly at night. Verdict: Stupidity. In fact, I’m going to go ahead and call this one fucking stupid because his wife and sister in law were killed with him. I’m sparing him the extra fucking stupid because they were both stupid enough to get in the plane with a guy who didn’t know how to fly at night.
• Michael Skakel, a nephew of Ethel, is convicted of murder. Verdict: Stupidity. Actually, this is blatant stupidity. 
• William Kennedy Smith accused (later acquitted) of raping a woman. Verdict: Stupid luck. Maybe he wasn’t guilty, or maybe he actually did do it and money bought his freedom. Either way, there is a good chance its just dumb luck.
• John F Kennedy shot and killed while riding in a motorcade in Dallas. Verdict: Stupidity. You are a Democrat and you are stupid enough to ride exposed with the top down in the Republican, gun loving, Democrat hating state of Texas. That’s just really stupid. Ok, fine……….I guess we can change this verdict. Verdict: Tragic

Sure, there are other things too that were bad, but the stupid clearly outweighs the tragic. Some of the things are just natural causes of death and not overly tragic, like the death of Jackie. She died of cancer, which is always sad but its a natural death unlike JFK or Bobby. But all those other things? It makes me say that the Kennedys aren’t the unluckiest family in America but instead the dumbest.

For years and years my friends and I have been had a Thanksgiving the Saturday before the real Thanksgiving. When we first started it was at my house, then when my friend Dave and his wife Kelli bought a big enough house in 2004, every year since then has been at their house. For various reasons, they were unable to have it this year so I had it again here at my house for the first time in 5 years. It is always a ton of work getting the house ready for such an elaborate party but its all worth it in the end. And this year was no different.

This whole Thanksgiving thing was the brainchild of Dave and I so we both are very big into planning it and making sure we have everything we need. I was talking to him on the phone yesterday afternoon and I told him that I didn’t have any Bailey’s for the coffee. This is how the conversation went.

Mike: “I don’t have any Bailey’s for the coffee so if you want any you are going to have to pick it up.”
Dave: “You’ve got Bailey’s. In fact, you have a lot of it.”
Mike: “No, I’m pretty sure I don’t.”
Dave: “Well I know you do.”

So I opened up my liquor cabinet to find 4 bottles of Bailey’s. None of them were full, but I could feel that all of them had some Bailey’s in there, even it it wasn’t much.

Mike: “Ok, I guess I do have Bailey’s. Apparently you know my liquor cabinet better than I do.”
Dave: “Oh, I know everybody’s liquor cabinet better then them.”

Flash forward to the party and when it was time for coffee and we busted out the Bailey’s. Jeff mentioned that I should check the date on the bottles because he had a friend who had some Bailey’s that was so old that it was curdled. So, I looked at the dates on our bottles. One expired back in 2006, another one back in 2005, another in 2004 and the oldest one in 2002. That’s right, I had 4 bottles of Bailey’s that were a combined 15 years past their expiration date. Goes to show you how much I drink Bailey’s.

As for the rest of the night, it was great. We had 16 people which is much less then what we normally have, as we have had as many as 38 in years past. Our group of friends have had a rough few months with people’s parents dying and what not, so this was a great way to get together and forgot about all the bad shit that has happened. After dinner many of us were singing and dancing to many Rolling Stones songs if you can believe that. After a while we started playing Rock Band for a couple of hours. Dave and Kelli had given Jt his birthday gift yesterday (his birthday is July 28, better late then never) and it was ACDC Rock Band which we played. Now I’m pretty bad at playing any of the instruments for Rock Band (or anything else for that matter) but have always loved to sing and am kinda decent at it. But, its not easy to sing ACDC, in fact it almost a guarantee headache. Still it was fun though.

Dave and Kelli also gave me my birthday gift yesterday too (my birthday was October 7, again better late then never) and they got me the Seinfeld version of Scene It. Dave, Kelli, Jt and I have long been big Seinfeld fans, so this was the perfect gift. Later in the night some of us played it and had a lot of fun with it. Good times.

Good times usually result in feeling crappy later. After a bottle and a half of wine last night, I’ve felt better. So, that’s the end of this post for now.

Well this is an incredible disappointment, but People named its sexiest man alive and it wasn’t me. I refuse to accept it. Honestly I felt it should have been no contest. What the fuck? What does a guy have to do to be named sexiest man alive? I mean, just look at me people! LOOK AT ME!!! Maybe I should have ran for sexiest man alive, after all I’m sure I can win if it were an election. You would vote for me, wouldn’t you?

If you know anything about me, you know that I’ve always been fascinated with American presidents. Well, all except one. Anywho, last night I found myself on this website not only taking a presidential quiz but also reading about every president. I got a 66% before reading the profiles of the presidents. You might think 66% is not all that good, but I’m bet that is higher then most people would score. Anywho, here is the link:

http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/local/blotter/chi-presidents-photogallery,0,6466822.photogallery

I think it was because of reading this last night it made me have a dream that I was being inaugurated as the next president. It was a really odd dream, we weren’t in Washington at all, instead we were in some sort of dim run down building (which probably represents what the presidency has become with Bush in office) with only about 40 people or so. I get up and stage to be sworn in. I’m wearing short red satin shorts. That’s it, shorts. nothing else, no shirt, no shoes no socks. These shorts I’m wearing are a pair of Chicago Bulls shorts that I got for Christmas about 12 or 13 years ago. They are worn out and I never wear them anymore but can’t bring myself to part with them. Anywho, I’m on stage wearing nothing but shorts. Apparently there isn’t a no shirt, no shoes no service rule to be inaugurated as president. Then again, if I’m president I guess I can wear whatever I want to my inauguration. So they bring out the bible right and ask me to put my hand on it to which I respond “You want ME to put my hand on THAT?” They reply yes to which I repeat myself somewhat baffled at the fact that they are asking an Atheist to swear on the bible. Right about then some old dude in the crown named Mike (not me, I checked) passes out. Everybody looks at him and they start to take him to the hospital. So everybody leaves and I’m standing there on stage all by myself, saying “but, I’m supposed to be inaugurated, I’m going to be the first one, what about my inauguration?” Everybody ignores me. Maybe its because I was nearly naked. So I go outside and stand on the steps, worried that I’m going to get shot since I’m such a target. I turn and wait for my secret service agents to protect me but they don’t show up, for whatever reason everybody is busy tending to that dope Mike who passed out. I  then say “where is my secret service, I don’t want to get shot as I’m vulnerable to attacks out here?” Still nothing, its like nobody is even paying attention to me. Then I wake up.

Fucked up shit, aint it?

My fantasy football team has been a bit of a disappointment this year and although I still have a shot at the playoffs, its going to be tough. This week though I won by the slimmest margin of any team in the league for the entire season. I won by three-tenths of a point, 107.9-107.6. If this were an election, they would have done a recount. To put this into perspective, it was so close that if one of the other teams players had managed to get one more yard or if his defense had allowed one fewer point, I probably would have lost. But, I’m thrilled to escape with a victory and keep hope alive.

I recently added some new songs to my playlist. One of them is the catchy and brilliant “Love Me Dead” by Ludo. Once this song gets stuck in my head, I can’t get it out of my head. The lyrics are ferocious and funny. Go back up and listen to the song and pay attention to the lyrics. No, fuck that just read the lyrics right here (but still listen to the song):

“Love Me Dead“

Love me cancerously
like a salt-sore soaked in the sea.
“High-maintenance” means
you’re a gluttonous queen, narcissistic and mean.
Kill me romantically
Fill my soul with vomit
then ask me for a piece of gum.
Bitter and dumb, you’re my sugarplum
You’re awful, I love you…

She moves through moonbeams slowly
She knows just how to hold me
and when her edges soften
her body is my coffin.
I know she drains me slowly
She wears me down to bones in bed…
must be the sign on my head
it says, “Oh, love me dead!”
Love me dead!

You’re a faith-healer on T.V.
You’re an office park without any trees
corporate and cold
gushing for gold – leave me alone.
You suck so passionately
You’re a parasitic, psycho, filthy creature
finger-bangin’ my heart.
You call me up drunk, does the fun ever start?
You’re hideous… and sexy!

She moves through moonbeams slowly
She knows just how to hold me
and when her edges soften
her body is my coffin.
I know she drains me slowly
She wears me down to bones in bed…
must be the sign on my head
it says, “Oh, love me dead!”
Love me dead!

Wow! Uh!

Love me cancerously
…(whistling)…
Brrrot-dot-da-d-da-da!
Brrrot-dot-da-d-da-da!
How’s your new boy?
Does he know about me?
You’ve got the mark of the beast.
You’re born of a jackal! You’re beautiful!

She moves through moonbeams slowly
She knows just how to hold me
and when her edges soften
her body is my coffin.
I know she drains me slowly
She wears me down to bones in bed…
Wha’ ’bout this sign on my head
it says, “Oh, love me dead!”
Love me dead!
Love me dead!
Love me dead!
Oh… love me dead!

Good news everybody, I finally passed that button I swallowed!

As you all know I love driving backward. I think I’m going to stop though, it makes it hard to follow directions. After all, when driving backward, left is right and right is left, but what’s most confusing is that all of a sudden up is down but down is still down.

While I was typing this, the Packers just scored another touchdown against the Bears. Wait, two more touchdowns.

There is a very big battle right now over same sex marriage, but what about the forgotten marriage of a union of one man and one car.

Its amazing how much better Clorox tastes on the rocks.

For the life of me, I can’t understand why more people don’t enjoy a good vomit every now and then. I mean sure, its not like a good cry but you can still feel just as relieved.

Do you think that pregnant guy ever gets penis envy?

Another touchdown.

When you think about it, isn’t a couch just a fat version of a love seat? And a recliner, well that’s just a couch after gastro bypass surgery.

Rumor on the internet is that people suck. No confirmation yet if its true.

Barack Obama hasn’t even taken office yet and already I’m pissed off about a couple of things he said he wants to do. First of all, he wants us all to be stimulated again. Well, I never thought we should have been stimulated to begin with and then when it didn’t work, it made it an even worse idea. Doing it again would be piling onto an already growing national debt and again, there is no guarantee that it is going to stimulate the economy. Furthermore he wants to give us a bigger check than last year which again, is only going to add to our debt.

The other thing he wants to do is bail out the big three automakers. I was not for the bailout for the financial industry but reluctantly realized it was probably necessary as they are are vital part of our whole economic system. The automakers however, are not, especially when there are quite a few foreign car companies out there making better vehicles for less money. Sure, a lot of people will lose their jobs and it is awful but that is not reason enough for us to spend another trillion dollars. I’ve always been a big Obama supporter but I’m never one to shy away from disagreement just because I like somebody. With the automakers having rather large unions who fully backed Obama, I have to wonder if that is the reason why he wants to bail them out. As great as Obama is, at the end of the day he is still a politician and we know how politicians are.

That being said, the Republicans are still ripping the guy. There is a Congressman from Georgia who is comparing Obama to Hitler. For fuck’s sake, Hitler? I mean, they have already called him a terrorist, a socialist, a Marxist, and just about every other non flattering political name, so why stop now? Of course, they only do it to ratchet up fear. And its working, as most Republicans are saying they are scared since he got elected. Well, all I can say to you fuckers is where was your fear 8 years ago when you were busy putting one of the worst presidents we have ever had into office?

Now before I go into this post, I want to stress I’m not one of those dopes who talks about how much better kids have it today then previous generations or how they don’t appreciate what they have. I’m grateful for everything that we have and not envious of younger generations at all as we are all living in this time and all have the same things.

That being said, I don’t think the younger generation fully appreciates how great the internet is. I should correct myself, I only fully appreciate it when my computer dies. And last week, my computer kicked it old school (for those of you not hip to the lingo, that’s Mike Speak for dying) leaving me without internet access for a few days. Of course, my world was crushed and going a day without the internet leaves me on the verge of a complete and utter breakdown so you could imagine 3 days without the internet; I was practically suicidal. Hmmmm…………..I don’t know about my ending to that last sentence, I mean after all is there anything practical about suicide? My guess is that I should probably shut the fuck up since suicide really isn’t something that should be joked about.

Anywho, I digress. Being without the internet (or as George W Bush calls it, “the world wide internets”. Oh George I’m sure we will all learn to appreciate your comic value when you are gone) means being without porn. Oh, now I know there are other mediums of porn, such as magazines, movies, sex phone lines and peering in your neighbor’s window to watch them have sex, but all of the aforementioned either cost money or are illegal. Or in some cases both. Let me tell you, its not just illegal to spy on your neighbor’s having sex, its also expensive when you consider the hospital bills after falling out of a tree (insurance won’t cover it……….there is some sort of peeping clause, I dunno, its all a bunch of legal mumbo jumbo to me), the fees for your trial and the cost of having to move after your neigbors file a restraining order on you. That’s right Mr and Mrs Wankochbitz, you can file all the restraining orders you want as long as I’ve got that camera hooked up in your bedroom I can see whatever I want.

So getting back to the internet and porn. See, as we have clearly demonstrated, other mediums of porn just don’t quite work, especially if you are a poor teenager who can’t afford to pay somebody to buy you porn. But then came Al Gore’s wonderful invention, the pie-cake. And some other amazing person’s invention, the internet, gateway to hours upon hours and orgasm after orgasm of free porn. Now I know there are some people who are stupid enough to pay for porn on the internet, but why pay for porn when if you don’t even try and instead just blindly point your cock in any direction, free porn will instantly come to you. Geez, if you are paying for internet porn, well then you are really soft in the cranium area. And its not just porn, its porn of many and any varieties; there truly is something for everybody, even the freaks.  And here is the best part, you can even be in the porn yourself. There are actual websites out there that let you broadcast you doing things to your junk for the whole world to see, and it doesn’t cost you or them a dime. People used to get paid to be in porn and people used to pay to get porn. Now you can all do it for free thanks to the internet. Its easier than a cheerleader on prom night.

See before the internet I had to use my own imagination to fantasize. And that became work. It wasn’t enough that I had to jerk myself off, I also had to come up with my own sex-visions and hope that nothing weird creept into them, you know, like my mom basting a turkey. But with the internet, it does all the work for you and all for free; all you have to do is jerk or insert into a hole of your own choosing. Oh sure, you have to pay for the internet connection, but the cost of the actual porn is free. Back in the old days I used to have to come up with different fantasies with different people and let me tell you, once I got out of high school, I didn’t exactly have a plethora of acceptable dudes to jerk off to. I wound up using the same ones over and over and I can’t tell you how boring that gets. But with the internet, you can jerk off a million times to the point of severe repetitive stress disorder in your wrist without having to repeat people or fantasies. The internet really is a masturbators wet dream. When I went a few days without the internet I didn’t know what to do to myself. I literally had too much time on my hands and the worst part being that I didn’t remember how the whole fantasy thing was supposed to go. I mean you start off taking your clothes off. You start doing your thing but your mind is blank. You are horny and want to take care of business but need SOMETHING to really get things going. finally you remember what to do and all of a sudden your mind turns to an image of your mother basting a turkey!

Long live the internet.