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So, have you heard the big, huge news out of Illinois? I’m sure you have already seen the coverage on the news. I probably would be wasting my time even discussing it. Oh, what the hell. Vice President Elect Joe Biden attended the Bulls game in Chicago tonight.

Oh, and our governor got arrested today.

If you ask me, they got the charges wrong. Ok, maybe not wrong, but there is at least one missing, I mean can you charge somebody with stupidity? He knew the heat was on him and that his calls were potentially being recorded and yet he still said shit that could incriminate him. I know Obama said that it was a sad day for Illinois, but I slightly disagree, in some respects I think it is a great day for Illinois. We caught Blago before he completely soiled a senate seat. I know the whole innocent until proven guilty thing, but they have tapes of him saying shit, that’s usually a clear cut case. I say fit him for an orange jump suit and throw him in a cell with former Illinois Governor George Ryan. Yeah, we have governor issues here in Illinois, in fact, I hear they are already bringing up charges on our next governor so we don’t have to waste our time and money doing it later.

As for Blago, he should resign. Immediately. I know he will probably want to try to hold out to try to get leverage for a deal, but for the good of the people of Illinois who he is serving, he needs to step down so that he can start serving again in jail. And then we can file charges against his hair, which legally is its own entity and has committed its fair share of crimes.

Being a liberal, I voted for Blago back in 2002, although honestly, I had a bad feeling about him. He just looked smarmy. With his hair the size of a misshapen football helmet, his round face with that cocky smirk and his beady eyes, even from the beginning he looked like the type that would be corrupt. After his first term was a semi disaster complete with rumors of corruption, when it came time for him to run again in 2006 I voted for Green Party candidate Rich Whitney. Yes, even if I don’t vote Democrat, I still refuse to vote Republican, in spite of how dirty the Democratic candidate might be.

The man seems to be really dirty and slimy even by the standards of Illinois politicians. If he doesn’t resign soon I say we give him the boot by impeachment, a recall vote, or any other way that we can get rid of him and then be done with it.

Well that’s it, I got caught masterbating at work again today. At this point I’m very concerned about the consequences of my actions. I’m afraid they might ask me to start wearing clothes.

I don’t want to say I told you so, but I have reason to believe that Clay Aiken might be at the very least bisexual. Wait a minute, I’m being told now that he came out of the closet earlier this year. That’s quite a shock. Who’s next, Richard Simmons?

Ever have one of those days when fuckin people won’t stop looking at you as you drive? I mean, what the fuck people, you never seen a guy drive with his teeth clinched around the steering wheel before?

So last week I was at the bookstore looking for a book to steal or maybe even purchase. I didn’t have any specific book in mind but instead just wanted to find something that really grabbed me. I came across a book called “How the States Got Their Shapes” and thought instantly “Geez, how fucking stupid” and then picked it up. A paragraph into the section on Illinois I was hooked and bought it. Its actually pretty damn fascinating to say the least. I mean, I just finished Florida and have learned all sorts of interesting facts about how the states boarders were determined. Just read these interesting facts I’ve found out so far, and I’m only 10 states in:

• Alabama- Got its crooked western boarder because nobody in the state was smart enough to draw a straight line.
• Alaska- We really don’t need to know shit about this state since patriotic”first dude” Todd Palin is working so hard for Alaska to become its own country.
• Arizona- Back in 1853, a 20 year old John McCain helped form the boarder.
• Arkansas- A recent poll of Arkansans showed that they confuse Arkansas with Kansas. Not really a fact about their boarder, except to say that its no wonder how their southeastern boarder gets screwed by Mississippi.
• California- The boarders of California are not finalized because they are waiting for “the big one” to come and break them off and fall into the ocean.
• Colorado- This state is basically the gay porn actor of states. Its so hung that it carries over and buttfucks Nebraska and shares a massive 4 way with Utah, Arizona and New Mexico.
• Connecticut- They are pretty much the bitch of boarders. Their boarders have been whored with so much that one has to wonder if Connecticut has any self respect.
• Delaware- See the thing with Delaware is that its got a size complex and therefore runs around saying “its not the size but how you use it.” Poor little Delaware. At least it has a thick shaft.
• District of Columbia- Its not really a state but technically its not a city. It wants to be a full square but it got in an argument with itself and couldn’t finish. Really, it suffers from a massive personality disorder.
• Florida- Homer Simpson once called America’s wang. It actually got its shape so that it could be used to fuck America up the ass for the 2000 election.
• Georgia- Shaped like a really fat pregnant person which is kinda fitting what with the high rate of teen pregnancies.

Ok, so 10 states (and one pseudo state) down and 40 left to go. Although I try to read often, I don’t get a chance to read every day but will continue to post “facts” about the other states as I go on.

Yesterday was a Christmas party at my brother Mark’s house. I’d like to go into great detail about the party but it all went by so fast once I started hitting the rum and Cokes. Ok, so it wasn’t Coke but instead caffeine free diet Pepsi. Either way, the end result was still the same, me waking up with a blinding headache and a little bit of queasiness.

I know most of the people who might read this blog on occasion are not sports fans but being a huge Cub fan I should write about the retirement of Greg Maddux. He started his career with the Cubs in 1986, left for Atlanta after the 1992 season, returned to the Cubs before the 2004 season and left again for good in a mid season trade during the 2006 season. He has long been not only one of my all time favorite Cubs, but also one of my all time favorite athletes. I’ve always remained consistent in saying that he was the best pitcher of his generation, even before Roger Clemens started pumping himself full of anything he could get his hands on. Hmmm…………perhaps I shouldn’t have written that, after all Clemens is suing everybody in a futile attempt to preserve his severely soiled reputation. All the while, Maddux remained unstained by any steroid controversy. There were no secrets about why he was so good, it was because he worked hard, was a student of the game and had talent. When that talent started to fade he didn’t turn to performance enhancers to remain the best in the game, he instead aged ever so graciously into the twilight of his career. I don’t remember if I ever saw him pitch in person during his first go around with the Cubs, I just remember seeing him start the Cubs home opener in 2004, his first game back with the Cubs. On that frigid April day, the lowly Pittsburgh Pirates torched him and the Cubs got their asses kicked. Still we fans gave him a standing ovation not only when his name was first announced but also when he was taken out of the game after getting lit up. After the game he offered no excuses, just that he did not pitch well. As always, a stand up class act that will be missed.

Today would have been my eldest sibling’s 52nd birthday. I know that makes me sound old, but hey, my parents were Catholic and kept pumping out kids until my mom realized that twins at 41 is nature’s version of a cruel, sick joke. As you might have guessed from the first sentence of this paragraph, my brother is dead. He was killed in a car accident back in 1977. I don’t write this as a way to garner sympathy, so please spare me your condolences. I write it because I believe his death forever altered my life, even though I was not yet two years old when he died. I often wonder how my life would have been different had he not died.  See after such a devastating loss, my dad could not handle it and he basically drank himself to death, dying 3 years later. That left my man like mother alone with five kids. Although I know I would have still turned out gay had my brother not died, I wonder with the influence my dad around for at least a few more years I would have been more of a feminine homo, after all I probably owe my masculinity to my mom. I wonder what my brother would have though of having a gay sibling as there is no way for me to know his views or thoughts on gays. Also being left with a he mom to deal with five kids can be financially straining. Although we did not grow up poor, we certainly could of had more money and had a totally different up bringing had my dad not died. My brother’s death started a chain reaction of 7 years of tragedy in my family and although I will not go into details about some of the other events, clearly it had an effect on my childhood and my life. Honestly, there is no way to even speculate on how my life would have been different had he not died. There are any number of different things that could have happened had he not died. Now I want to stress that I’m not using his death as an excuse as to how my life turned out. After all, I firmly and whole heartedly believe that I have turned out fine, I’m a good person and a fully productive member of society, even if said society has been given a blistering beat down by 8 years of the Bush Abomination. I’m just wondering how my life and my families life would have been different.

Like many Americans, I’m against the bailout for the big three automakers. Like many Americans, I’m kind of conflicted about it as I do think we should do something but like many Americans, don’t know what we should do. Like many Americans, I have blown a load on the hood of my neighbor’s car. Wait. Just kidding about that last part.

Nevertheless, what should be done for the big three. See, this is where I think the mafia could come in handy. After all, if ever there was a time that we could use the mafia, this would be it. So let’s take a look at a few ways the mafia could help or ways that we can model the bailout after the mafia lifestyle.

1.  For starters, this bailout is actually a loan, meaning the automakers would have to pay the money back. And who better to enforce the payback of a loan than the mafia. We can even let the mafia determine the vig. And by vig, that’s mafia speak for interest rate. Of course they will need some time to get on their feet so after about 6 months or so, its time to start paying back. And if they don’t pay every month, then we send some goons over there to rough them up. They would demand that they pay us the money “TA-DAY! GIVE US THE FUCKIN MONEY!! TA-DAY!! TA-DAY!!” To show that we are serious, after they pay late that first time the presidents of the automakers will wake up in bed next to a bent and cracked steering wheel.

2. We did them a favor, now they owe us a favor to be called in at anytime and they can not refuse. Say we need them to build a special car with a bomb in it to assassinate one of our enemies. Iranian President Ackmadidmymom I would be having people start your car from now on if I were you. Or maybe we need you to go across the boarder and rob Canada of their beer. Or maybe we need you to build a high quality alternative fuel vehicle that helps us get off our addiction to the black crack that is oil.

3. The big three take a solum oath that the “family” always comes first before anything else, no matter what. That means if a certain company (let’s call that company A.I.G.) borrowed money from us and then ran off on some lavish vacation within weeks of crying poor. You need to drop everything and anything and go over there and beat the shit out of them, no questions asked. And remember, there is no such thing as excessive force.

4. You look away when we cheat on you with foreign car companies. And remember, we aren’t cheating on you; you are insane and delusional if you think otherwise.

5. Never, and I mean NEVER rat on us. If we did something illegal. I don’t need to tell you what would happen if you do rat on us.

6. Never mess with another made man’s wife. In other words, we are all family now, no more fucking over members of your family. I trust you know what this means, as I don’t quite know how to explain it.

7. No whacking a made man without getting permission first. That means no more fucking over the union or closing a plant without getting our permission first. Remember, we own you now.

8. We get a cut of everything you make. Got a problem with that? Fuck you pay me! Union is threatening to go on strike? Fuck you pay me! World War fucking III broke out in one of your plants and a female employee is suing you for sexual harassment? Fuck you, pay me!

See, I think that if Congress and the American people were told that these would be conditions of the bailout I think they would go for it. So tomorrow when you march onto Capital Hill with your pockets empty and your dignity back in Detroit, just remember that it could be worse. Much worse.

So remember a couple of days ago when I telling you about how my work raises money for under privileged families in my area? Well, it turns out its to benefit people through the Salvation Army. Maybe I’m naive, but I have always generally had a positive opinion about the Salvation Army, as they do seem to do so good. Well, maybe I’m just a little bit too dim to see it, but they are a Christian organization. With the word salvation in the title, maybe I was just didn’t realize that it was a Christian organization. Still, as you might imagine, Christian organizations always scare me as they always seem to be anti gay. Well, I was reading a message board last night and saw that supposedly, the Salvation Army does not believe in salvation for gays. For example, it said that they will take in homeless people but will give you the boot if they find out you are gay. Now I don’t like to always trust or believe everything I see on the internet, so I decided to do some of my own research by seeking out the Salvation Army’s website. Here is what they have to say about homosexuality:

Homosexuality

The Salvation Army holds a positive view of human sexuality. Where a man and a woman love each other, sexual intimacy is understood as a gift of God to be enjoyed within the context of heterosexual marriage. However, in the Christian view, sexual intimacy is not essential to a healthy, full, and rich life. Apart from marriage, the scriptural standard is celibacy.

Sexual attraction to the same sex is a matter of profound complexity. Whatever the causes may be, attempts to deny its reality or to marginalize those of a same-sex orientation have not been helpful. The Salvation Army does not consider same-sex orientation blameworthy in itself. Homosexual conduct, like heterosexual conduct, requires individual responsibility and must be guided by the light of scriptural teaching.

Scripture forbids sexual intimacy between members of the same sex. The Salvation Army believes, therefore, that Christians whose sexual orientation is primarily or exclusively same-sex are called upon to embrace celibacy as a way of life. There is no scriptural support for same-sex unions as equal to, or as an alternative to, heterosexual marriage.

Likewise, there is no scriptural support for demeaning or mistreating anyone for reason of his or her sexual orientation. The Salvation Army opposes any such abuse.

In keeping with these convictions, the services of The Salvation Army are available to all who qualify, without regard to sexual orientation. The fellowship of Salvation Army worship is open to all sincere seekers of faith in Christ, and membership in The Salvation Army church body is open to all who confess Christ as Savior and who accept and abide by The Salvation Army’s doctrine and discipline.

Scriptures: Genesis 2:23-24; Leviticus 18:22; Mark 2:16-17; Romans 1:26-27; Romans 5:8; I Corinthians 6:9-11; I Corinthians 13; Galatians 6:1-2; I Thessalonians 4:1-8; I Thessalonians 5:14-15; I Timothy 1:15-16; Jude 7

This leads me to believe that the message board was indeed probably correct. After all, it says above that flat out say that if you are gay, you should practice celibacy. Not very tolerant at all. And since I stole this directly from their website, I have to believe it is true.

So what do I do? Should I stop supporting them? I know some people would say that not supporting them would be punishing those in need as it is not their fault that the Salvation Army believes the way it believes. On the other hand their are plenty of non gay hating charities that I can support. The Salvation Army is local and does a lot of work with my employer. This puts me in a conflict of interest, I mean, I really want to help people but not at the cost of supporting a group that discriminates and also probably brainwashes people into discriminating against gays.

Today is World AIDS Day, although I’m sure many of you already knew that. I know a lot of gays tend to focus on AIDS in the gay community (and rightfully so) but AIDS is an even bigger issue in Africa and among black females in America. Actually, according to some info I saw recently, it is a growing problem among black ladies in America, even more so than gays. One of the very few good things George Bush has done is focus on AIDS in Africa, as we have sent a lot of aid there to help fight AIDS in Africa. Still, its all a reminder that AIDS in not just a gay disease as some people believe or as was the popular theory 20 years ago. AIDS affects many straight people too so it should always be a reminder to always be safe and protect yourself. For people in Africa, its a bigger issue because many of them are not educated enough about AIDS and STDs that they don’t know how to be safe and therefore it has become an epidemic. But its important to remember that education is the best tool in the prevention of AIDS.