You may have already seen this, but check this shit out:

http://gigapan.org/viewGigapanFullscreen.php?auth=033ef14483ee899496648c2b4b06233c

In case you were too lazy to copy and past the link, let me tell you what it was. Its a panoramic picture of Barack Obama’s inauguration. The secret service used these cameras for security. The coolest part about it is that you can zoom in literally from over a mile away. I got lost checking this out, I was going all around the crowd looking for people. If you look towards the stage, the first thing you will notice is Aretha Franklin’s massive hat, which blocked out the sun for the people in her section. Still, this camera is amazing. I was scanning the crowd seeing so many famous people. Its like you can play “Where’s Waldo” with the presidential inauguration. Oh wow, look, there’s Puff State Marshmallow P Diddy Daddy  or whatever the fuck he is calling himself this hour. And there’s Newt Gingrich. Holy shit, is that Stephen Spielberg? And there’s Bill Clinton hitting on the Bush twins. Who is that man sitting next to the first President Bush? Oh shit, that’s not a man, its Barbarba Bush. The picture does have some inconsistencies though, for example there appears to be a rather large animal living on the first Bush’s head. And the image of Dick Chaney is there sitting in a wheelchair which we know can’t be real because exposure to daylight would kill the real Dick Chaney. But the picture it truly amazing, I was floored by how far out you could see and how much you could zoom in on the slightest thing. It reminded me of the time I took a tour of Wrigley Field and got to see how good their security cameras were. The cameras at Wrigley are able to zoom in on a beer bottle that is across the stadium and you are able to read the label. These cameras that the secret service used blew away the cameras at Wrigley.

Time to send you on another field trip to watch this clip of Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal responding to Obama’s speech to Congress.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QFK8aTpYAmg

I’m pretty sure that this is the person the GOP is going to push to run against Obama in 2012. In fact, I think its quite obvious that they want him to run especially since Sarah Palin decided to stop paying her taxes. When you watched his speech, is it just me or was he talking to us like we are a nation of five year olds. Honestly, he was talking down to us on a level that even Bush didn’t do. He spoke in slow sentences just like a teacher would when reading a book to a classroom full of students. And he kept saying “Americans can do anything” just like a parent would tell their kids “oh honey, of course you can be an astronaut, you can do anything you want!” He was disgustingly condescending. The problem is Republicans LOVE when people talk down to them, maybe because most of them are backwoods rednecks who can’t understand big sentences. Scary thought, but because of this, somebody like him could actually win.

Oh and did anybody notice that when he spoke he had a whistle in his voice? You know, like he was missing a tooth. With his whistle and his condescending attitude, I kept waiting for him to break into “‘Twas the Night Before Christmas” in an adorable way a child would read it.

Doesn’t February just piss you right the fuck off? Its a freak month what with its 28 days and occasional 29 days; it can’t make up its mind. Now I know there is some bullshit story about how the sun revolves around the moon and how the moon fucked the earth and all that intergalactic planetary scientific bullshit and that is why February is insane. But I don’t know if I believe all of that; I mean after all can’t we just lop a day off from another month or two and give it to February so that its not suck a freak? Honestly, December has always been an overweight month. Let’s face it, December is kinda like the Jessica Simpson of months; fat and attractive but would look so much better if it just lost a few pounds. And I know what you are saying “fuck you Mike, don’t you dare fuck with New Year’s Eve.” Now for the record, I’m with you, fuck Mike and don’t fuck New Year’s Eve. But who said we had to cut off a day from the end of the month? We can just skip December 1 and go straight to December 2. I mean, who the fuck needs December 1 anyway? Oh sure it is World AIDS Day, but that is always soooooo depressing and the last thing we need is to be depressed during the holidays. Besides, right now there is perfect symmetry at the end of December; there is exactly a week between Christmas and New Years. Or, maybe we can skip a random day in the middle of the year. Honestly, would anybody miss a loser day like July 15? Or a lame ass day like October 7. Wait, scratch that last one, its my birthday.

And since I brought it up, I know what you are thinking, what about those people who have birthdays on the days that we are tossing out. Well those people can now celebrate their birthdays on February 30th of every year. Or they can have a floating birthday, kinda like how companies give employees floating holidays. Think about how special that would be, I mean how many people can trade their birthday in for a day that doesn’t suck? Admit it you are now jealous of the birthday floaters as they get to hold out for a day when the weather is nice or for a Saturday. I’m thinking that this is going to be all the rage, everybody will beg to have a floating birthday, yet only a small few will actually get to float their birthday.

See, the thing about February is that it throws everything right the fuck off. You need to make sure you get your bills sent out earlier. When thinking ahead of days you need to make sure that you don’t count a 29th or 30th day. Maybe you are one of these chicks who gets your period at the end of each month if you don’t get it in February because there is no February 30th you would freak the shit out because you skipped a month! Then all of a sudden you go from being on the rag at the end of the month to the start of the month. It throws your whole cycle off. Or, maybe you wind up getting TWO periods in the month of March to make up for February’s lost period. Honestly, who wants to have two periods in one month? And worse yet, who the fuck wants to deal with a lady who has a two period month.

So I’m starting a revolution. That’s right, a February revolution! Sorry September, but we just don’t love you enough to deal with you for a whole 30 fuckin days!

Man what a time to be from Illinois. We citizens of Illinois have a blank check for mayhem. Let me just bring you up to date on the situation. Our corrupt governor was replaced by another corrupt governor who appointed a senator who by all recent reports seems to be a bit of a fuckin weasel himself. Turns out he has been lying about his involvement in the whole Rod Blagojevich scandal. And its not even that he is lying but his story seems to change as often as the Chicago weather. As the old saying goes, if you don’t like Roland Burris’s side of the story, just wait 5 minutes, it will change. We seem to be filled with a state of crooked politicians. This is not a Republican thing or a Democratic thing, as this seems to have affected both parties. This got me to thinkin, as a citizen of this great state, what can I do to you know, take advantage of the situation? I mean, in true Illinois fashion, I should be able to come out ahead of this situation. So, I’ve come up with steps that I can take to profit from such a corrupt state.

And its not just Illinois that has governor problems. Besides being a really big fucking dumbass, Alaska Governor Sarah Palin has decided not to pay her taxes. Yes, that’s right, she has a tax problem. Maybe its because “first dude” Todd Palin wants Alaska to succeed from the union and start their own country. Maybe the Palins feel like they shouldn’t have to pay any taxes to the federal government since they hate it so much. Or maybe Palin is trying to get into Barack Obama’s cabinet since most of them have tax problems!

I had a chance to watch the HBO documentary on Rev Ted Haggard today. You might remember Ted as the leader of 30 million Evangelicals who preached against gays. One day it was discovered that the good ol’ rev liked to do crystal meth while getting fucked by a male prostitute. So the Evilgelicals not only barred him from the church but also kicked him out of his home state of Colorado. Ahhh, those Evilgelicals, aren’t they just so sweet and understanding.

Anywho the documentary dealt with his life since the scandal. Ted says that he still battles homosexual thoughts but would not say one way or another if he was gay, bi or straight. Honestly, to listen to him talk and see him on the screen, the guy is about as straight as a u-turn. His life though does make for a very interesting and compelling documentary. After watching it, I really don’t know what to make of him or how I should feel. I mean, the guy really does seem very nice and extremely friendly and had I not known that he is a Jesus freak I could very easily find him to be very charming and likeable.

Overall the guy presents quite the crisis of conscience for gays. Clearly the guy is one of us. And many of us can relate to him. After his outing, he was kicked to the curb, shunned and disowned and how many gays have had to go through that with at least a few people in their life. He is left to wander about life struggling to make it day by day just like many gays. We feel for him. We have been there. Yet the difference is that he remains for the most part against gays. For him its a struggle to find a way to fit back in with the very people who have persecuted and shunned him and the very same people who fight so hard against gay rights. It is in clear conflict with who he is as a person even if he does refuse to accept his homosexuality.

I have written several posts making fun of Rev Ted. I don’t know if it was right or wrong for me to do so. After all, he is one of us, but on the other hand, I refuse to accept that he still does not approve of gays even though he is one. He truly is a complex and complicated individual for gays and for others to understand but mostly for himself to understand.

Even though I disagree with everything he stood for previously, I can admit that he was a good leader who was inspirational and influential to millions of people. If he wants to find a new direction, he should do a complete about face and support gays and become a gay rights activist. Sure, he may have lost all credibility with Evilgelicals but he also can he a poster boy and an example of no matter how hard you try and no matter how much you want, you can’t pray away your homosexuality. He should be living proof to them that being gay is not a choice and can not be cured.

And yet, I still don’t know what to think of the man.

Now that we are a month into the Obama administration, I want to take the time to write about how things are going. As big of a supporter as I have been of his, I think thus far things have been mixed. He has done a lot of good thus far, but has also taken many hits on the stimulus package and on his cabinet  nominees. His popularity though remains very high. This to me is kinda scary. I’ve always contended that when it comes to politics, for the most part, the American people are a bunch of idiots. This holds true when it comes to Obama. The people seem to overwhelmingly approve of him in spite of the setbacks he has had. Of course, he got into office because a lot of the people who voted for him were blinded by the fact that he is a great speaker and is very charismatic; they didn’t pay attention to the issues in the least. Now most of the people who read me on a regular basis do pay attention to politics and voted for him because of his politics and plans for America. But, when people blindly vote and blindly support somebody without paying attention to what is going on, I think that is dangerous; its how people like George W Bush get into office and also why the whole world should be scared shitless of Sarah Palin. We just happen to be very fortunate that Obama is not only brilliant but also an extremely competent politician who is very capable of leading our country. But, let’s see how he has done thus far.

First of all, he is not in an easy position. I would not want his job. Its like we are bringing him into a bases loaded situation with nobody out and the game tied and are asking him to get out of it without giving up a run. He is almost in a no win situation. All that being said, given the circumstances, I think things have been mixed. He has done some good without a doubt. But I’ve heard from many people and many so called experts that this stimulus package is not nearly enough to turn things around. He promised change during the election and honestly, we have seen nothing of that sort thus far. Like many other politicians his solution for our mess is to just throw a bunch of money at the problem and hope it fixes the problem, which is not change but instead the same thing that helped us get into this mess. Don’t get me wrong, I do like many parts of the stimulus bill, I think the money spent to fix our crumbling infrastructure is badly needed and long over due. The money being used to fight global warming and find alternative fuel is a long time coming. But, I feel that we need drastic measures and radical outside the box thinking to rescue us. Things like legalizing pot and prostitution and then taxing the hell out of them would have a two prong effect: it would help to help pay for the stimulus and also create jobs.

I also like Jon Stewart’s idea of instead of bailing out the banks by giving them more money, we bail out the people by paying off their troubled loans that way it gives the people spending money and frees money up for the banks to start loaning again. Look, we gave the banks money before and they were like a junkie who spends all their money on crack and whores; they blew it. The banks flat out can not be trusted again and this is far too important to risk giving them money again. Also, we should look over seas to see what other countries are doing and maybe steal some of their ideas. America is a great country and their is nothing wrong with learning from other countries. Oh, and maybe those other countries might be able to help us with banking problem. When some of our banks go under, we can use foreign banks to help give Americans loans.

As for the Big Three, its time they became the Big Two. Or maybe even the Big One. Sure nobody wants them to go under and then we have 3 million people without jobs. But, what about having them merge? In this day and age with so many auto choices, its unrealistic to believe that the Big Three can all survive as is. If we don’t let them go under, we should be looking into a couple of them merging instead of giving them more money.

There are many states that are in a great deal of financial distress as well. States like Michigan and even my state of Illinois. There is a big fight in our country over gay marriage. Well, when it was legal in California for a good portion of last year, California experienced its only stimulation of the economy due in part to all the gay marriages. Dare I say, it might be good for some states economies to legalize gay marriage? I think back to an episode of the Simpsons in which Springfield badly needed money. So, they legalized gay marriage in hopes that it would help infuse money into the local economy. Besides being a very funny episode, I think we could learn from it. Let’s just look at things that make sense. Many gays  have money to spend. If they get engaged, that results in more weddings and honeymoons being planned and more money being spent. Sure, this might not work in a state with a small gay population but in states with a higher amount of gays like Califorina and Illinois, this can only help their economies. I know many religions would fight this to the very bitter end, but honestly, religions are just like any other corporations; the bottom line is how much money can they make from something. And legalizing gay marriage would help those churches as well in two ways: they would no longer be wasting money fighting gay marriage and they would also be able to make money should they chose to do the smart thing and allow gays to get married in their church. Of course, I’ve always been a big proponent of gay marriage and we have been fighting for the right for years. Is it possible that we have been going about it all wrong; That maybe the way to win the right is to show people how much money can be made from it? To quote the Simpsons (in different episode of the Simpsons) Rev. Lovejoy, “one something is made legal, its no longer immoral.” I’m quite convinced that if churches realized the bottom, green line about gay marriage they would probably change their whole view. At the end of the day, its all about money and you would be surprised how a lot of money can make people look the other way. Take legalized gambling. Churches in theory against it. But, when they realized that there was money for them to make from it, they found ways and loopholes to get their slice of the pie with things such as bingo and casino nights. Gay marriage can be the same.

Now I’m by no means an economist. Sure I might be spewing my opinion like some know it all dipshit and maybe none of this is the answer. But, my point is that we need to think outside the box to fix this clusterfuck we have gotten into.

You know what would be really funny? If the pope had a big dick. I don’t mean this pope in particular, but any of the popes. And shit, I certainly hope you aren’t thinking of this pope naked……….ewwwwwwwww, the man is scarier looking than Michael Jackson, that is if you consider either of them to be human. Still though, the pope with a big cock.  I mean, talk about the ironies of ironies. The guy isn’t supposed to have sex, in fact they are supposed to be virgins and here is a guy with a porn sized cock that is completely useless. I mean, what’s the point in the pope being hung if he is never going to use it to impress people. Now I’m not saying he needs to be a porn star so that he can show off his giant papal cock, but I mean just have lots of sex so that he is putting this great tool to good use. And although papal sex might come with some sort of high expectations, he could still be very bad and people would still be happy to fuck him because hey, he’s the pope and also, he’s hung like Jesus on the cross! Wait that didn’t make sense and is probably offensive. Awww hell, who cares, after all I’m sure it made you laugh.

Now I’m not saying this pope has a big cock. But, I’m sure that in the history of popedom, at least a few of them were hung. Well, all except for all those female popes. Hell, the previous pope was Polish and we all know the legends of the Polish penis. And you know what’s even more ironic about the whole thing? The pope could have a massive cock and never know it. Honestly, how would he know? Let’s assume that he plays by all the rules and doesn’t have sex or check out any porn or mess around with little boys. This would mean that he has nothing to compare it to. Its very realistic that he probably has never seen an erect penis besides his own. And if he isn’t getting laid, he has nobody to tell him that he has a big dick. Oh, I’m sure doctors or other people have seen him naked but how many of them have seen him with an erection? Sure, his cock might be thick and large when flacid, but what if he is a “grower” and its tiny when not hard? Also suppose it is big full time, nobody is going to say to the fucking pope “Wow pope, nice cock, that thing is a fucking snake!” Nobody is ever going to say that to him. And its not like he ever measured, I mean he’s the pope for Christ’s sake, there is no reason to measure if he isn’t going to use the results of the measurement to get laid. So not only is it ironic that the pope could be hung, but its even more ironic that he doesn’t even know he is hung!

Every year on Valentine’s Day weekend or the weekend after Valentine’s Day, my friends and have what amounts to a weekend long party at the house of our friend and his wife. His house is rather large so it fits all of us usually with room to spare. Its pretty much a weekend in which everybody gets sitters for their kids and we all get to act like college students all weekend, complete with loud music, drinking games, truth or dare, debauchery, killer hangovers, not much sleep and usually some throwing up among other things. This year was no exception to all of the above. I even made drinking game for everybody at the party. For example, I’m known for spilling shit, so if I spilled anything then everybody drank. With a different rule for 24 people, you could imagine how we would go through a fair amount of alcohol just based on that alone.

Friday night found us up until 6:30 in the AM partying until well after the sun came up. You would think that I would be able to sleep late because of this. I woke up shortly before 10am unable to fall back asleep. I was kinda hung over and my stomach was queazy, although I did not throw up. Last year when we did this, on the Saturday I started drinking about 12:30 in the afternoon and didn’t stop until 5am. This left me with the worst hangover of my life on Sunday and I wanted to avoid the same feeling again. So I didn’t start drinking this Saturday until about 6pm. And since we went until 5am again on Saturday, that still gave me about 11 hours of drinking. Again, I couldn’t sleep well and was up about 8:30ish on Sunday morning. I slept on a couch in the front room and it was hot and light in there so it was hard to stay asleep. Also, about 7:30 I woke up to somebody who was not me throwing up in the bathroom.

The whole weekend was a blast though. I could tell you a bunch of stories of things we did but will leave that to the imagination, after all, I’m sure most of my friends would not appreciate me blabbing about shit we did, especially when it makes us look like a bunch of irresponsible alcoholics. Holy shit though, I wish we could do this more than once a year.

Being the 200th anniversary of the birth of Abraham Lincoln, I can say a lot of things about the man…………

So I was thinking about cliches and sayings. I used to work with a lady who, for what its worth, spoke in cliches. I swear to fuck, just about everything out of her mouth was some sort of saying like “when you burn the candle at both ends, its so hard on the candle” or “this is like coals to new castle” along with a whole bunch of other shit I never quite understood. Honestly, where do these fucking sayings come from? There are a whole shitload of saying that we have all heard, hell we probably use them ourselves, but can somebody please tell me what the fuck they mean. Things like:

• “You can’t have your cake and eat it too.” Honestly, have my cake and eat it too? What else am I supposed to do with my cake? Am I supposed to get my cake and just hold it and not actually eat it?
• “We can not see the forest for the trees.” Ok, last time I checked, the forest was made of trees so if you are seeing the forest, then that means there are no trees getting in your way.
• “Work like a dog.” Now I’m not a dog person, but how hard does a dog work? Honestly, how often do you see a dog just laying around sleeping? Hell some dogs are so lazy they can’t even make it outside to take  shit. 
• “It’s a dog eat dog world.” Really? Have you seen many dogs eating each other, because if so then I don’t want to be working like a dog.
• “It’s darkest just before dawn.” I’ve been up at midnight and I have been up just before dawn and its just as dark at dawn as it is at midnight, the only difference is that at dawn you are that much closer to passing out.
• “It’s all Greek to me.” And what about every other language you don’t know?
• “Got the best of me.” This one makes no sense at all. If someone gets the best of me, that SHOULD mean that I gave them my best and they were bested, but it actually means that THEY beat me! I tell you who I’d like to beat is the person that came up with that stupid saying.
• “Faster than greased lightening.” Hmmmm………………I had no idea lightening was so tasty. I mean, had I know that lightening was dripping with grease maybe I wouldn’t spend so much damn time trying to avoid it.
• “Bite the bullet.” Something tells me that if you are biting a bullet you must really have some strong ass teeth. Again, how this came to mean what it means I will never know.
• “Ain’t that the pot calling the kettle black.” I’ve got a ton of pots, not one of them happens to be black. And who the fuck uses a kettle anyways?
• “Nothing to sneeze at.” Again, this one makes no sense. Do people normally sneeze at things they don’t care about and refuse to sneeze at things they do care about as in “Wow, my wife has fucked 47 guys, that’s nothing to sneeze at.” What the fuck does that mean?

If anybody knows what any of these mean, please enlighten me. Or if anybody knows where they came from tell us.

I’ve decided that its probably more user friendly for me to have titles on my posts. Now this is going to result in me needing way more time to come up with stupid little titles that suck. See, I’ve been thinking about this all day and night, in fact I only slept 4 hours last night because I was laying awake in bed in a dark room cowering in a corner balling my eyes out with the light on in the middle of the day trying to come up with titles to use for posts. All that I do will be judged by my titles. People will think I’m a bad person if I have a shitty title. Then again, if my title is rude or mean spirited, people might be discouraged from reading it. Maybe its a happy upbeat title but the post is depressing. I’m guessin’ I’m going to like doin the ol’ bait and switch deal in which the title does not represent anything that I’ve written. Maybe having a great title will result in me being more of a man. Maybe it will elevate me to greatness and next thing you know I will be winning all sorts of awards and a Pulitzer and shit like that, you know things that I’m waaaaaaaaaay to good for already anyway. Then I can said said awards and tell the man to shove them up their ass. Or better yet, I will sell them on E-Bay, after all I’m sure I can get other awards on E-Bay, you know like the Oscar Pauly Shore never won. Heh………..Pauly Shore, what a fuckin waste.

So now things are going to be new and improved. I probably should update other things too, like my profile picture, after all, that picture was taken back in 1978 when I was nearly 3 years old. Hey,  what can I say,  I was big for my age. But now look at me, I’m a small motherfucker. Or maybe I can change the coloring or something like that. Or the header. Or the……………ahhhh, fuck it, it all seems like too much work.

I probably should explain the title of this post. A few weeks ago, while helping a friend move, my friend’s mom walked into the house and was made fun of by another friend because she got lost on the way there. Her response was classic: “I don’t even know you, but fuck you!” And with that, I have my first title of a post and I didn’t even have to come up with it!

There is a lot of talk about Obama’s stimulus bill that he is trying to get passed. At first, I thought that he was trying to stimulate us, which I was against because we don’t need to be stimulated again, after all it didn’t work last year so why would it work this time. Then I heard more about it and how brilliant the bill is. One part of the bill is to rebuild roads and bridges and other infrastructure. Since the bridge collapse in Minnesota in 2006, I have seen a few reports that say that our nation’s bridges are in poor shape. So this part of the bill makes sense, its much needed and will help to create jobs, even if those jobs aren’t permanent. Another part of the bill uses money to buy our government vehicles. You may think that we shouldn’t be spending money on cars, but I think this might be the smartest part of the bill. We all know how bad the big three automakers have been doing; so bad that they needed a government bailout. So, they are desperate for the business, this is a way to keep them working and making money. Other parts of the bill give money to fight global warming and find ways to get off our dependence on foreign oil. This one is a no brainer, we all know about our addiction to oil and the dire need to fight global warming. There are other parts of the bill that I agree with but probably aren’t 100% necessary at this time, such the money set aside to help prevent STDs.

Republicans were complaining about the first draft of the bill so Obama changed so that it was more to their liking, even though he didn’t have to change it, as he probably already has enough support for it to pass. After making changes, not a single Republican voted for it. I think he should put the bill he wants back in place and fuck those damn Republicans. Some of the Republicans want the bill to cut taxes for the rich. Look, I’m against wasteful spending as much as the next guy. I’m for spending if the spending is needed and makes sense. A bullshit war that costs us a billion dollars a week in a country that did not attack us: wasteful spending. Spending money to repair the broken down bridges and roads so we don’t have another bridge collapse and people get jobs: smart spending. Cutting taxes for rich people to help pass an 825 billion spending bill: just plain fucking stupid. Keeping those taxes higher for the rich: smart math.

Of course the president can’t do it all alone, he wants the American people to go out and spend to help stimulate the economy. I know we need to do that, so I ran out and bought a digital camera today. My problem, though is that I bought it from Circuit City, a place that is going out of business and therefore not going to help stimulate the economy. What can I do though, it was at a very good price. Perhaps if the government would bailout Circuit City…………….