I swear, video games nowadays are amazing, yet stupid all rolled into one. I really think the Wii is fantastic, yet it allows you to pretty much simulate everything and anything. You can pretty much live your life through a Wii nowadays. Wanna play any sport without leaving the house? Get a Wii. Wanna pretend like you are in a band, well then you need Guitar Hero or Rock Band. Wanna play darts, skeeball, shuffleboard or beanbags? No need to go to a bar when you can do it at home on your Wii. I wonder what else they will come up with next.

 Have to take a shit? Well, don’t get up to go all the way to the bathroom, just turn on the Wii and simulate yourself crapping. And who wants to waste time putting the toothbrush in your mouth when you can just click on the Wii and simulate the teeth brushing.

Really, they need to expand though and start doing things that we can’t possibly remember or experience. Like being born or for us guys, giving birth. Just think your game begins at conception. You have to make it through 9 grueling months in the womb, managing to survive every possible hazard. From an upset stomach to smoking, to being a fetus inside Brittney Spears to sharing your cramped womb quarters with 8 other unborn babies because your mom decided that she was hell bent on one upping the Octomom. Just think, there are no limits to the possibilities. Maybe they can create a game for a guy to simulate pregnancy complete with wild mood swings, hemorrhoids, and a goofy ass super sense of smell. As for you ladies, maybe you can finally experience what its like to piss standing up! Or maybe life with a pissed off chick who is PMSing like there is no tomorrow.

Of course, the best game of all would be the one simulates sex. We can call it Sex Hero. Ok, so maybe we start it off with the batting practice version of sex, masterbating. After completing your masturbatory career, you move up to occasional sex in the back seat of your parents car, followed by crazy college sex with random drunken strangers. Finally, the game reaches its climax (or perhaps I should call a game orgasms, or game-gasm) in which you are a porn star getting paid ridiculous sums of money to have people video tape you fucking some Asian chick while she blows the pizza delivery guy. The game would be an overwhelming success because it would allow every 40 year old virgin Star Trek fan the chance to see what its like to actually have sex.

Or at least, what their fantasies would be like if they ever had the chance to film themselves having sex.

I take that back. The Star Trek geeks would probably still not be able to get past the masterbation stage.

I had a busy weekend. This should help to explain my lack of an update or post. I don’t know if you know this, but I started a pizza club. We meet once a month at a local pizza establishment. I appointed myself president because, hey somebody has to be in charge. So Friday night was pizza night, our first choice fell through so we wound up at At’s A Nice in Romeoville. We had 15 people and put in an order for deep dish first followed by the thin crust order being placed about 10 minutes later. When the deep dish finally arrived, the waitress told us that it would still be a few minutes for the thin crust. This brought a unplanned funny response from my twin brother, Mark and I. We both said at the exact same time with the exact same tone “Really? (pause. We didn’t actually say pause, but instead we just paused). Wow (pause). That’s crazy.” I’ve had little moments like that with Mark only a few times through our lives but this was by far the oddest moment of all. Kinda makes me wonder if twins do indeed have some sort of weird connection, even though we are fraternal.

After the pizza came as usual, I started eating my ass off. I got up to get another slice of deep dish which was on a pizza holder which held the pizza up about a foot from the table. Because the pizza had cooled, it was kinda stuck to the cardboard that came out on. Also, because I’m an ungraceful klutz, I struggled to get the slice off the cardboard, only to get it off and promptly drop it on the head of Mark’s 3 year old daughter! She didn’t even realize what had happened until the pizza got down to her arm and even then she really didn’t pay much attention to it. Meanwhile she had a big glob of pizza sauce on the sleave of her shirt and in her hair! That’s good ol’ Uncle Mike for ya!

Yesterday I went with a group of friends to the Chicago Wolves game, for those of you that don’t know, the Wolves are Chicago’s minor league hockey team. Although I am a big sports fan, I’ve never been much into hockey. Our seats were pretty good and had I cared enough to take a picture I would be able to show you just how good the seats were. But, I don’t. Anywho, my friend’s cousin was sitting in front of me and his girlfriend next to him. At one point shortly before the game started, I got up from my seat and instead of walking all way down the row, I just turned around and climbed over my seat and to two rows behind me to get out since nobody was sitting there. In the process, I somehow managed to accidently kick his girlfriend (who I had never met before) in the head without even realizing it. I felt pretty bad about it and felt even worse because after the first period they went out for a smoke and she left because she was having some sort of anxiety attack. Meanwhile, he didn’t leave but instead spent the rest of the game kinda pissed off………….ok, royally pissed off that she left. I couldn’t help but feel that maybe my kick to her head might have been a reason why she left.

Remember that book I said I was reading, Legacy of Secrets? You might be saying to yourself “So Mike, how are you coming along with the book?” Well, I sure as hell hope you aren’t thinkin’ that because it would be kinda sad that you were consumed with my progress on this book. I’m so glad you asked though. It turns out, I’m all the way up to page 10! Yes!!! I’m know you are dying to know and are probably racking your brain with the question “Holy shit Mike, that is amazing, just how did you do it?” Well, if you are that curious about how I managed to read 10 pages since my last post then you are just downright pathetic. But, I am so glad you asked. See the secret to getting all that reading done is that I took the day off work just so that I can read it! And with the book being 800 pages long, if I keep up this pace of 10 pages a week then I should be done in plenty of time for the next Kennedy family tragedy, and wouldn’t that be exciting!

I can’t believe I have forgotten to mention this, but it was determined a couple of months ago that I would be taking a road trip with my friend Danel and another lady we used to work with. We are leaving on May 8 and heading west and where we end up, nobody quite knows. We do know that we will be stopping in Iowa so that Danel can visit some friends and also she wants to see Mt. Rushmore. But, we are pretty wide open after that, although we are supposed to get together to talk about the trip. Personally, I like to keep things wide open and not really make any plans, that way we are free to be spontaneous and do whatever pops up. Now I’ve already been to Mt. Rushmore twice, the first time in May of 1983 on the only vacation my mom ever took us on. My oldest sister was graduating college in Wyoming and we stopped at Rushmore on the way. The second time was in June 1999 shortly after Jt got back from Australia. He said he wanted to go to “the place with the presidents heads” and with that, we were off. Even though I have been there twice, I’m more than happy to go again as I’m never one to pass up a road trip. Oh, and see Wal Drug (those of you who have been that way know what Wal Drug is).

This lady at work gave me a book to read called Legacy of Secrets. The book is about 3 dudes who got whacked back in the 1960s. You probably never heard of any of them, but I will tell you anyway and then let you learn more about these 3. One was a guy by the name of John F Kennedy, although most people called him JEFKA (that is supposed to be the pronunciation of the 3 letters JFK all put together. Although its not really funny, I’m going to ask you………no, I’m going to tell you to be mildly amused by it). One of the other dudes was his brother, Jamie Kennedy. Wait, I think I got that wrong. Let me look at the book again. Ahhhh,haaaaa, it says here that Jamie Kennedy is a comedic actor. The guy I meant to say was Robert F Kennedy. And the third guy was not actually a guy but instead a holiday, Martin Luther King Jr. Turns out the holiday got whacked back in ’68. Oh, shit, I got that wrong too, the book says that he was an actual person.

What is the book about you ask? Well, why the hell are you asking me so damn soon, as I’m only 10 pages into this nearly 800 page book. All I can say is that the cover has the 3 dudes along with the subtitle The Long Shadow Of The JFK Assassination above them and the words Robert Kennedy, National Security, the Mafia and the Assassination of  Martin Luther King. I will give you one guess as to what the book is about.

If you guessed that it was about the time that they all took turns gang banging Marilyn Monroe, then you guessed wrong and are a complete and utter perverted dumbass. Its actually about the time when they took turns with Jackie Kennedy.

Ok, so that was probably tasteless and classless to make those jokes about these 3 great men. You might have figured it out by now that it is about their murders and the cover ups that followed. Now I’m not a big conspiracy theorist, but the book seems very interesting and the information is based on interviews with associates of the Kennedys along with, and here is what gives it the aura of legitimacy, back by thousands of files at the National Archives. So, I thought I would give it a read.

As for the title of this post, it has nothing to do with the post itself, but instead is kinda like a song title that is not mentioned in the song at all.

President Obama had another snoozer of a prime time press conference tonight. Honestly, the things are boring and that is probably why they are normally held during the day. That being said, I do like the fact that he does them during prime time and that its not just him addressing the nation from the Oval Office but instead he allows the press to ask questions. Doing it during prime time gives everybody a chance to watch, that way nobody can say that they don’t know anything because they miss things during the day. Also, it helps in the whole transparency thing; Obama promised a transparent adminstration and this certainly helps. Sure its boring, but its an important boring, unlike the lame unimportant boring of Larry King. Because of this its worth watching.

Now I’m a liberal as they come. But the one thing that has always bothered me is the spending. That is the one thing that I can barely stomach when it comes to politics. I’ve always been the type that wonders just how the hell we as a nation are going to pay for all this spending; whether its from Democrats or Republicans. I’m also very mindful of the national debt and deficit. Which is why tonight’s episode of Frontline on PBS (yes people, that’s right, I watch PBS. I know, I spent the previous paragraph bitching about things being boring and then I admit to watching PBS) was of particular interest to me. It was about the aforementioned deficit.

Now Republicans have always pretended to be the party of fiscal responsibility, but notice that I used the word pretend because much like everything else they claim to be, they are full of shit. Right now they are the ones who are criticizing Obama’s spending. I’m fine with that. I’m glad somebody is trying to keep his spending under control. My problem is that its the very same Republicans who just spent eight years helping to turn our country insolvent. They claim to be the ones who are against spending, yet they all voted for TRILLIONS of dollars in spending by voting, among many other things, for the Iraq war, yet they were all against looking into war profiteering among government contractors. They were all for the Medicare Part D bill, which, although a good thought (just probably put together incorrectly) obligates us to spending more money then we will spend on just about anything else. Their shallow claims of fiscal responsibility  ring about as true as when Brittney Spears claimed to be a virgin. And then they cut taxes. By a lot. Hell, Bush’s first treasury secretary told him that cutting taxes AND going to war was a terrible idea. He thought it was so bad that he was glad to be fired at the end of 2002. I’m no mathamagician or economist by any stretch of the imagination, but even I know that its not feasible or possible to cut taxes AND spend.

And yet, that’s what Obama has done as well. Of course, his circumstances are different; we stand on the brink of a depression and need to do whatever it takes to get out of it. Once we are out of it though, he needs to tax. Seriously. On everybody, not just rich people. He needs to come up with alternative ways to get more money, such as legalizing pot and taxing the hell out of it. That should not wait until after this mess is over. But, we know that he won’t do any of the above. And why is that? For the same reason why Bush and every other politician won’t do it. Because it costs them votes. They all seem to put their own political careers ahead of what’s best for America. I for one am always happy to pay taxes. Its the price we pay to live in such a great country. And shame on the American people who don’t think like me. As I have said many times before, we are the Cadillac of countries yet we expect to pay for a Pinto and get a Cadillac. If we want to be the best, we need to all pay like we are the best. We shouldn’t tune out and turn against those who want to hold us to a higher standard by taxing us more.

When will the American people and their elected leaders get it?

I should have written about this last week but I totally forgot. In this world of high tech gadgets, sometimes we can still have old school shit happen to us. Last week on St. Patty’s Day I sent the same text message to 3 or 4 friends about 1:30 in the afternoon. None of them responded to it. Instead I got a text about 8 in the pm from a total stranger asking who I was. I was a little confused so I asked who they were. They responded saying that I text them first. I said this wasn’t the case to which she responded (I found out the person was female) with the same text I sent to my friends earlier in the day. Now in this day of cell phones, its virtually impossible to mis-text if you are only sending the text to somebody who’s phone number is already preprogrammed as one of your contacts. My only response was that maybe the lines were crossed and that is how she got it.

Being me though, there is of course more to this story. I didn’t tell you what the text said. See every year on St. Patty’s Day I’m reminded of an episode of the Simpsons in which newscaster Kent Brockman says “St. Patrick’s Day is a day when everybody is Irish; except for the gays and the Italians!” That was the text I sent, except I didn’t bother to say it was a line from the Simpsons. To her, it was probably just the bigoted phrase of a total stranger! Of course, I didn’t take the time to explain that I am both gay and Italian and didn’t bother to tell her that it was from the Simpsons. I guess it could have been worse though. At least it wasn’t some vulgar message. Also it could have been some perverted text or an X pic of various parts of my body. And by pic of my body, of course I mean my elbow or nostril. You know, something that can really turn a person on.

This next part of the post you might want to skip. Its going to come off as totally self centered and arrogant. Or maybe you are the type of person who wants to read about somebody who is self centered and arrogant. I dunno, I mean who am I to judge. If you are then I’m thinking you may have hit pay dirt here today.

I’ve been thinking recently about comedy. To be more specific, comedy and me. See, I consider myself a very funny person. Its not only me that thinks that. People have always told me how funny I am. And I don’t think they are saying it just to be nice. I judge this based on their reactions to something I have said, done or written. For years people have been telling me I missed my calling in life or that I have a gift and I should share it with the world. To put it bluntly, I know I’m talented and have a unique gift of making just about anybody laugh at just about any time. I’ve been known to make a roomful of people laugh for hours at a time. I am, as they say, the life of the party. Comic timing has always been easy to me and come naturally. When I write comedic posts on here it all seems to flow and it gets to the point where I can’t get it all out fast enough. I’m a people person and very extroverted, yet at the same time private, if that makes any sense. I’ve always said I would make a great talk show host; modeling myself after my comedy heros David Letterman and Jon Stewart, although always falling well short of them and failing miserably in comparison.

Yet, why aren’t in in comedy? Quite possibly my biggest regret in life was not getting into comedy when I was at a realistically young age. I know what people are supposed to say all that “well, never stop chasing that dream” and “you can do it at any age” bullshit. But, honestly, that is barely realistic to somebody who is 20 years old with a resume of live performances, but its downright ridiculous to a 33 year old high school graduate with a resume of working in call centers. The thing about comedy is that it represents everything else in my life; a great thing to think about but if it requires too much work then I’m never going to achieve that goal. See, I have a long history of wanting things but not seriously going after them if they require actual work. That’s not to say I’m lazy. Well, I guess in a way it is to say I’m lazy. I mean, I am but I’m also a hard worker, if that is possible. See, I have always busted my ass off at every job I’ve ever been at because with a job you are always held accountable and I always strive to be the best at what I do. And for the most part, when it comes to jobs, I have always been among the best at what I do; at least at every company I have ever worked.

But comedy is different. It can be filled with years and years of humilation and rejection. And though I’ve got thick skin and have always been a fighter, the mere thought of “what it takes” is overwhelming. Although I live in a great market, Chicago, its not Los Angeles or even New York. And I’m just not willing to move that far away. Something about moving thousands of miles away from home to a large town where you don’t know a single person just doesn’t appeal to me. Worse yet, moving to a town in which my mother’s family lives (the L.A. area) is even less appealing.

And so I live with regret and unfulfilled potential. And what some might say wasted talent. The talent is the part that is the big wild card in it all. I mean, honestly, do I know if I actually have talent? This much I know, as funny (or not funny) as some of the stuff I have written may or may not be, overall my writing skills are poor to average at best. And sure, I can work on that by going to school. But, that leaves the comedy. Maybe all these years the people that have been laughing are people who find bad comedy funny. Maybe they don’t know comedy. Maybe they are the types of people who find Jim Belushi funny or can’t wait to get home to watch some lame ass show like the Nanny. Maybe people who actually judge talent and who know legitimate, quality comedy would think I’m just some two bit hack who even on my funniest day still falls well short of the uberly lame and unfunny Tom Arnold.

Maybe its best to just leave it alone and never know. But, I’ve always been the type that NEEDS TO KNOW. I’ve always been the type who wants an honest opinion even if its bad. I would HATE for somebody to lie to me and say I’m funny to spare me my feelings. I mean, what if I’m good enough to make a living of comedy and have a positive influence on the world.

I’ll never know.

Those of you in the Chicagoland area probably have heard about this. And maybe even some of you news junkies might even have heard about this as well, here is the link:

http://www.suburbanchicagonews.com/heraldnews/news/1487493,joliet-Fire–Empress-Casino-jo032009.article

There was a fire at the Empress Casino in Joliet yesterday. I guess I should explain that here in Illinois, we have legalized gambling but it has to be on water. So at first we had riverboat casinos, but a few years ago the law changed and they were able to build casinos on very large barges. Now before you get to the actual casino, there is a very large entrance way that leads to the casino. The entrance way includes a gift shop, several restaurants and a nightclub. It was also under construction as they were adding, among other things, a piano bar. It appears that everything but the actual casino itself burned, although I’ve heard that the casino suffered smoke damage.

Why do I write about this you ask? Well, my mother was a huge gambler and this was probably her favorite place. She loved to play the Blazing 7′s slot machines, which I guess now are actually blazing 7′s. Since she died, every time I’ve gone to the Empress I have played the Blazing 7′s in honor of her. As I heard reports about the fire, I could not help but think of her.

We played cards last night (this was planned before the fire) and as soon as Dave walked in I of course mentioned the fire at the Empress. His response was that it happened because it was his mom’s birthday. I did not know it was his mom’s birthday yesterday but he to be fine with it, even though this was her first birthday since she died. Ever since the tragedy, people are always asking me how he is doing; even people that don’t know him but know about the situation. All I can say is that he appears to be fine. I even asked him last night as I was leaving if he was ok with his mom’s birthday and he responded with a confident yes. Its funny because everybody seems to have a theory about how he is handling it. They say he is in denial, that he is suppressing it, that he his numb or that it hasn’t hit him or that he is angry. Honestly, I don’t see any of that in him. I don’t know what to think, but I think he is doing about as well as can be expected.

Oh, and if you think my title was in poor taste, check out the Empress website:

http://www.empresscasino.com/

Hell, I know this was put up before the fire, but the front page says “What’s Hot”, I mean you would think they would change that. Casinos have a long history of using terms like hot, smokin’, blazin, and fire, so this is really kinda right up there ally. Also, when I read the article on the Chicago Tribune website people were posting similar comments.

I was driving home today when what should I see but an ambulance with its sirens on turn in front of me. Now when I say turn in front of me, I don’t mean cut me off. I was at a red light which was red because the ambulance was coming. So nothing unusual about that. What was unusual was that the damn ambulance was going slower then I was. And I mean after I took off. Although I’m not a big speeder, but by no means do I drive slow. I pretty much consistently go about 5-10mphs over the speed limit, which I find acceptable and not a speed in which I will get a ticket. At least, not normally. But, when the light turned green I took off like I normally would. I knew that I could not pass the ambulance, as that would of course be illegal. But, what if the damn thing is putting along like an old person driving a golf cart. I mean honestly can I be expected to go below the speed limit because the emergency vehicle in front of me is going slower than the speed limit? I mean, just how much of an emergency could it possibly be? Perhaps the person who called 911 said “You know what, take your time getting here. Don’t feel the need to rush just because Rick is having a heart attack, after all nobody here likes the sonofabitch at all and we can give a shit if he lives or dies.” Then again, it kinda looked like the ambulance was lost and the driver was going slow to try to find the street to turn down. I guess I can understand that a little. What I can’t understand is why the damn ambulance doesn’t have a fucking GPS. After all, if there is any vehicle in the world that should have a GPS, it should be an ambulance. Shit, we all know people who have those fucking things and they still get lost in a manner that doesn’t make the least bit of sense so what good does a GPS do for them? And there are people who probably don’t need to have them at all because all they are doing is going to the store and bingo and nowhere else. But an ambulance? Well there is a definite need. And its not like this was a cheap ass, poor town, after all this was Naperville I was driving through and they have got the money for a GPS.  And if they don’t have one, my guess is that they should probably know the area. Or, and here is novel idea, have the person who knows the area drive! By all means, I’m not emergency expert, but something tells me that if it is an emergency they should probably get there as soon as frickin’ possible.

Hey look at me, I just used the word frickin’ instead of fuckin’.  I betcha you didn’t think I was capable of such a word, after all I think that is the first time I have ever used the word frickin’ on here. I mean, I can’t imagine a time in which I would have used frickin’ instead of fuckin’. But, it sounded better saying “as soon as frickin’ possible” instead of “as soon as fuckin’ possible”.

It turns out Jesus did not die for Rick Springfield’s sins. I saw a bumper sticker today and it said that Jesus has died for everybody’s sins. Well since I always hate when people claim to make statements that they can’t prove, I decided to look into this a little. So I went onto the world wide internets to confirm or deny the dying of the sins. I started by looking up every single person who ever lived. And although there were a few people on this list, the one that stuck out while I was doing my research. According to jesusreallyhatesrickfuckinspringfield.com, (WARNING: website is not real and does not exist. Its actually called jesusfuckingchristhatesrickmotherfuckinspringfield.com) Jesus made it a point to state that he always hated Rick Springfield and he would never die for his sins. Upon hearing the news, Springfield had this to say: “Well I don’t know what quite got into him. I was always under the impression that Jesus was my homeboy. After all, I did him a solid by changing the name of the song from Jesus’s Girl to Jesse’s Girl as I knew he wouldn’t want me lusting over his bitch.”

So this made the bumper sticker a complete and utter baldfaced lie. After all what if Rick Springfield happened to be driving behind a car with a bumper sticker that reads “Jesus died for your sins”? That would really make Rick feel bad and also would be a lie. And Jesus wouldn’t want you to lie about him, would he? I mean this isn’t the same as the lies people say about how he hates gays or is against abortion. This is really heavy shit; words on a bumper sticker about his dying. And his dying for a specific cause. And one just should not fuck with a bumper sticker, those things are sacred.

Oh. Shit I almost forgot. Turns out none of that mattered because Jesus was not the son of God and did not actually die for anybody’s sins. Jesus, you would think they would include that on the bumper sticker as well too.

Back in the day green was ugly. Green really only had one day when it was in and hip and that was St. Patrick’s Day. The rest of the year, green was the forgotten bitch of colors. Hell, even the Barenaked Ladies made fun of how ugly green was in “If I Had A Million Dollars“. If you wanted to think of something nasty, you would think of it as green. Snots and boogers are green. Disgusting slim, green. Algae and seaweed, you got it, green. Mold is green too and there is really nothing good about mold. Well, almost nothing good. About the only thing that was good that was green was money, and even that is the dirtiest thing around, both literally and figuratively. After all, people say money is the root of all evil and as we know, money is green. Well, at least American money. Ok, well the dollar bill is green.

Then all of a sudden, the past few years, green becomes the it color. Everybody is talking about “going green” which is code for being environmentally sound. People start wearing green more and even driving green cars. Mr Green is no longer the biggest killer in games of Clue. The green laden Boston Celtics win the NBA Finals. People can’t get enough of green. OHHHHH GREEN!!!

Well, I for one have had just about enough of fucking green. What about blue? Or red? Or black? Why does green get all of the attention these days? Why is it that anything green is automatically amazing and great? Just what exactly did green do to deserve such stature? Well I say fuck you green, you should go back to where you came from until you have earned the greatness.

I was reading in the paper today. Yes people that’s right, I read. And I read the newspaper. Who would of thought that the very same person who could barely formulate a sentence long enough to complete a post would actually read a newspaper. Nevertheless, there was this little article about the state of Utah. Now now, I know you probably have some preconceived notions about Utah being a place where run around soberly in magic underwear, marrying as many as they can while poppin out children every 10 months. And while all of that is undoubtedly true, here are a few other little tidbits that neither me or you knew.

• Drinking laws are being loosened. Lawmakers recently voted to eliminate the private club system that required customers to fill out an application and pay a fee to enter a bar. Also, bartenders used to have to walk around the bar to serve drinks; now with the new laws they can serve them directly over the bar counter. That is just totally fucked up. You had to fill out an application just to go to a damn bar. Talk about a buzz kill, half the fun of drinking is getting so drunk that you can’t answer questions and they wanted you to fill out an entire application? And just what exactly was the point of a bar if you can’t serve over it? Then again, what was the point of not letting bartenders serve over the damn bar? You know what you call a bartender who walks around the bar to serve the drink? A waitress! The way I see it the only reason a bartender should be walking the drink over to you is if it comes with a lap dance.
• Utah residents are the happiest in the nation. Well of course they are happy, they don’t have hangovers! Hell, hangover “happiness” is not even close to non hangover happiness.
• Utah ranks number one in subscriptions to online porn sites. That just goes to show you that no matter how many damn wives you have, you still aren’t happy with any of them.