Yesterday was my good friend Christie’s annual St. Patrick’s Day party. She lives in the Lincoln Park neighborhood of Chicago, which for those of you not from Chicago is the trendy hip area of Chicago. There are a grand total of 8 parking spaces in all of Lincoln Park, so this meant we had to get there early. The party started at 6:30 in the pm and a bagpiper was scheduled to be there about 7pm. Scooty was supposed to be at my house at 4:30 to pick up John and I, but being Scooty his 4:30 actually meant 4:50. From there we went to pick up Keith and head into the city. The next stop was to pick up Scooty’s brother in Boystown. Scooty had to go inside to grab a hard drive out of his brother’s computer so that he could fix it at Christie’s. Scooty is a computer expert, so he is able to do these things rather quickly. He was in and out of his brother’s within the time it took for Keith to smoke a cigarette. We made into Lincoln park about 6:50 and now came the hard part of finding a place to park. We drove down one street that was a couple of blocks from the party. We found a spot and parked and all got out only to see that it was permanent parking only so that meant we had to move the car. So, John, Scooty and his brother Eric all got back in the car while Keith and I decided to walk the couple of blocks over to the party. We walked the 5 minutes to Christie’s and who should we see getting out of the van right in front of Christie’s condo but John, Eric and Scooty. That’s right, not only did they beat us there, but we also managed to be dropped off further away so that they could find parking right next to the damn condo. I swear, shit like this only happens to my friends and me. A couple of years ago when we went to her St Patty’s party  we managed to park the car, walk a few blocks, find a spot that was closer, go back and move the car only to find out that the place we moved it to was actually FUTHER away then the first spot.

As for the party, the bagpiper guy’s wife gave birth to their second child just a couple of hours prior to the party. That meant that the corned beef we were about to eat had been cooking for longer then the baby had been alive. Still, the guy was a trooper………..literally and figurerativly, as not only was he a cop but he also was kind enough to still make it out to the party to play a few songs. During one of the songs, Christie was dancing and slipped on a rug and fell. This brought about laughter from everybody in the room, except for the bagpiper as he kept going and didn’t miss a beat. Christie’s husband Jeff was video taping the performance and got video of her falling. Later on in the evening we watched the video several times even in slow motion. It was pretty funny.

The party itself was a great time. The food was tremendous especially the corned beef. We had a great time dancing, drinking, singing and hanging out. Oh, I almost forgot to mention, I colored my hair green and orange for the party, as those are the colors of the Irish flag. Ok, so white is one of the color’s too but I couldn’t find white hair spray. Anywho, you are probably thinking “well Mike, do you have any pictures?” Well I’m glad you asked.

Then again, I’m not glad you asked.

 
For some reason that is techincalogically beyond me, the pictures are kinda screwy and are not coming all the way through. Perhaps I should talk to Scooty about this. Nevertheless, no pictures for now.

Wait, now they are working! Yes, I kick ass. Here you go.

Christie and the bagpiper dude. He let her wear his hat!

Just try telling me that isn’t fucking awesome. I mean, who doesn’t like bagpipes?

This is a side view. I swear, bagpipes are amazing instruments.

That’s myself and my twin brother Mark. No, he isn’t gay.

And here is the proof, that is me and his wife, Amy. Notice I look like shit when I smile. Or at least old.
 

This is by far and away the earliest post I have ever had. I’m not a morning person in the least, all of my posts are in the evening or at the very earliest, the afternoon. Why am I up and posting so early you ask? Because THE MAN is working on our sewers. For whatever reason, the village I live in has hired a company to do some sort of sewer work on my block. They gave us a day’s notice on this leaving us a note on Monday stating that on Tuesday they would be doing this work and we would not be able to use the water in our houses from 7am until 7pm. I normally don’t get up for work until 7:30. So I got up at 6:45 in the fucking AM on Tuesday to quickly shower before they started their work. Well, Tuesday they didn’t do it because it rained all damn day. So, they left us a note stating they would do it yesterday between 8am and 11pm. Yeah, I didn’t quite get that one either. If the first day they needed 12 hours, then why would they need 15 hours on the next day? So I got up at 7am so that I would have time to shower and shave so that it left me with plenty of time. Well, they didn’t do it yesterday because (and this is what they wrote on the note they left everybody) of “heavy flow in pipe”. Heavy flow in pipe? I don’t know if that sounds more like a bad drug joke or a bad penis joke. Either way, it meant that they would be out here again today, this time back to the original time, 7am-7pm. So that meant that for the third day in a row I was up earlier then normal, leaving me with extra time to kill before work.

You should feel lucky though. Given the choice between a post and porn, I chose a post. Wait, why did I chose a post? Shit, I could be watching porn right now. You know what, fuck this shit, I’m gonna watch porn!

Retro and old school is always in. Take the Dow Jones, if you ask Mr Jones, its actually 1996. But, why go back that far? Instead I’m just going to go back to 1999. Each year I like to do a post about the year 10 years prior. With this being 2009, that means we are going back to 1999. Shit though, everybody knows what happened 10 years ago, actually its old news. What I should do is do a post on the year 2019, then I would really have something. But, that is the subject for another post. Today, let’s focus on 1999.  Here were the big stories of that year courtesy of Wikipedia, which I usually don’t like to trust, but what the hell.

January 1- The Euro is established. Who would have thought that 10 years later it would be worth more than the dollar?
January 2- A snowstorm dumps 14 inches of snow in Milwaukee and 19 inches in Chicago, killing 68. I sure as hell remember the snow, it trapped my mother in California for a few more days but I don’t remember 68 people dying from it. Oh, and I didn’t fall down in my driveway.
January 31- The Denver Broncos repeat as Super Bowl champs. Being a Broncos fan, I was thrilled.
February 2- Hugo Chavez becomes president of Venezuela. Gee, how did that work out?
March 2- Mandalay Bay hotel and casino opens in Las Vegas.
March 21- Shakespeare In Love wins Best Picture at the Oscars. No word yet on the sequel, Shakespeare In Divorce.
March 26- A Michigan jury finds Dr Jack Kevorkian guilty of second degree murder for the assisted suicide of an terminally ill man. If he wanted to help somebody die today he would just force them to watch American Idol.
March 29- The Dow Jones closes above the 10,000 mark for the first time. If only it was at 10,000 right now.
April 20- Columbine High School shootings. Hard to believe its been 10 years.
May 3- Dow Jones above 11,000 for the first time. Hot damn, it was on a roll back then.
May 17- Ehud Barak elected prime minster of Isreal. I’m sure our Barack is better.
June 1- Napster debuts changing the business of music forever. Thanks to Napster we can also now exchange porn as well!
July 10- Brandi Chastain scores the game winning penalty kick against China in the World Cup, and tears off her shirt afterwards in one of the most famous moments in sports history.
July 16- Plane piloted by John F Kennedy Jr crashes because he decided to fly at night even though he was not licensed for night flying. Oh, will the Kennedys ever learn?
July 25- Lance Armstrong wins his first Tour de France.
October 12- World population reaches 6 billion. And yet, Rush Limbaugh still manages to out eat all of them.

One thing not mentioned was Y2K. Remember Y2K and how everybody was freaked out about how the world’s computers would not be able to handle the change from one century to the other? People actually thought planes would be falling out of the sky and they were stocking up on bottled water and canned goods. Crazy shit, hell even at the time I wasn’t freaked out.

Here were some of the top movies released in 1999:

Star Wars: The Phantom Menace
American Beauty
The Blair Witch Project
The Sixth Sense
The Green Mile
Boys Don’t Cry
Magnolia
The Matrix
Any Given Sunday
Fight Club

The top 20 tv shows:

Some of the top songs

Believe- Cher
Smooth- Santana (featuring Rob Thomas)
Every Morning- Sugar Ray
All Star- Smash Mouth
No Scrubs- TLC
My Own Worst Enemy- Lit
Learn To Fly- Foo Fighters
Blue Monday- Orgy
Scar Tissue- Red Hot Chili Peppers
Fly Away- Lenny Kravitz
Freak On a Leash- Korn
You Get What You Give- New Radicals

As for me, the year could not have ended any more different then when it started, yet it started the same way it ended: with a New Year’s Eve party at my house. The circumstances couldn’t be anymore different though. When the year started, my mom was off in California visiting her family, leaving us to throw a pretty big party at the house. When it ended, my mom was in the hospital dying of cancer, in fact she would be dead just 2 days later. We still had a smaller party though, the reason being was that my friend Dave was going to propose to his girlfriend Kelli at the stroke of midnight. We had the party so that he could still do that at our house in with everybody there. That was how the year ended.

1999 was a mixed year for me personally. The first half was pretty good. In February my best friend Jt left for 5 months to study abroad in Melbourne. That same month, my friend Cara and I went to Puerto Vallerta in Mexico. It was my first time on a plane and of course my first time leaving the country. Cara was married and her husband agreed to pay half my way to go with her. I think he wanted me to babysit her out there, but he never told me that, but it was implied. Still, I did nothing of the sort. She cheated on him out there (not with me, although my mom and her husband thought so) and our friendship was never the same. The trip though was pretty damn cool.

In June of that year, Jt returned and within days we embarked on a road trip that would take us to Mt Rushmore in South Dakota. After that, we decided on the spur of the moment to visit my sister in Denver before returning home.

That summer Jt, Dave and I became roadies for my friend’s band. It made for a very interesting and busy summer with plenty of stories to tell. That being said, it was all local, its not like we ever went out on the road. As for the band, that pretty much were broken up a year later.

In July or August my mom started having pain in her leg. She went to the doctor and in September I took her for a bone biopsy. The diagnosis was cancer. Unfortunately, it had already spread to her kidney, bones and lymphnods. By November there was nothing else they could do, the doctor told us that she had 9 months left at best. Well, 9 months turned out to be 2 months, as she wasn’t Y2K compliant. I had not been worried the whole year about the whole Y2K bug and it turned out that my mom was the only thing not compliant!

Now three years prior my twin brother Mark and I had a falling out and had not spoken, even though we lived in the same house. One of my mom’s last wishes was for us to start speaking again. I will never forgot how we made up. I was in the kitchen, Mark was in the living room and our older brother John was symbolically standing in the doorway in between each room. He said that he thought Mark and I should forgive and forget and we both quickly said yes and that was it. No hug, no I’m sorry, nothing like that. We each knew that our petty little squabble didn’t mean anything compared to my mom’s dying state. So that was it.

For years my mom had not gotten along with my sister Carmen. When she was sick, Carmen managed to make it out here twice, both times with her daughters so my mom was at least able to meet her grandkids for the first and only time. That being said, mom and Carmen never quite resolved their issues. If only they had both taken a cue from Mark and I.

1999. It was a year I will never forget for many reasons.

You may or may not know, but I don’t watch a lot of typical prime time tv. Well most people watch their shows each night, outside of my Sunday shows and one seasonal show on Tuesdays, I don’t watch any prime time shows. Sure, I watch The Daily Show, David Letterman and Bill Maher all religiously and from time to time The Colbert Report, but I instead prefer to watch sports. Since I was about 9 I’ve been a huge, rabid, foaming at the mouth Cub fan. About a year later, I became a Bears fan. And when I was about 13 I got into basketball and the Bulls. Ever since then I’ve been a die hard follower of each of those teams. Sure, it was really easy to be a Bulls fan in the 1990s, shit, 6 titles in 8 years will do that, but I continued to watch in the years since then, which has been tough from time to time.

Tonight the Bulls played the Miami Heat and just ended a game which represents everything that is great about sports, except that the Bulls lost. Still, it was an amazing game that needed two overtimes and an unbelievable buzzer beating shot from Dwayne Wade to finally decide the game. The game was back and forth, complete with heros and goats and high drama. The best part about sports is that it is unscripted. Honestly, you have no idea what is going to happen each game. Sure, every team in every sport play games that are just run of the mill nothing special ho hum games. And every team plays games that are very exciting and you hang on every play. And every now and then, there are games that are just so unbelievably ridiculously good that you sit there watching in awe, grateful that you have a chance to witness such excellence. These are the games that make sports what they are. These are the reasons why we watch; why we almost can’t bare to miss a game.

I know a lot of people say that athletes only care about the money and don’t care about the game. I just don’t think that’s true. These players get to a point in a game in which their competitive instincts take over and nothing means more to them than winning that game; you can see the dedication and desire on their faces and in their eyes. When close, nail biting games are played on the biggest stage and when the stakes are at their highest  there is not a movie or tv show that can come even close to the drama that is played out. Sure people might be able to predict who is going to win games. But, its how those games are decided that makes it so damn exciting and makes for such great tv. Take tonight’s Bulls-Heat game. Sure, it was just a regular season game that was not played on a big stage. And yes, most people thought the Heat would win. But its how they won that made it so interesting and compelling. Or think of this years Super Bowl. There is nothing bigger than the Super Bowl. And yes, I thought the Pittsburgh Steelers would win. But, it was how they won that made it so great and keeps us coming back for more.

I know not everybody is a sports fan. And sports is not for everybody. But, I just feel that for shear drama and unpredictability, it can’t be beat.

For the first time in a long time, I’ve just got nothing to say. Not that it matters, nobody reads this anyways.

Have you heard about this fuckin 15 year old kid in California who started a campaign to ban swearing? He successfully got a swearing ban passed for the first week in March. There is no penalty for being caught swearing, except that this kid pretty much doomed himself to virginity until at least college. Now I’m not saying that people who don’t swear never get laid, because they do. But, if you are in high school and you lead a swearing revolt you can pretty much kiss any chance of getting laid goodbye. The first rule to being cool is to swear at least a little. If you are too much of a saint to swear than you certainly won’t smoke or drink and for a teenager, without out alcohol it can be tough to get laid. Oh, now I’m sure that he probably doesn’t want to have sex and that is all fine and good. But, now he doesn’t even have a choice. Ain’t no girl gonna even let him get to second base if he was nerdy enough to lead a swearing ban.

There was also this other young teen (I think he was like 13 or so) who spoke over the weekend at some mass meeting of Republicans. There he was, in a suit in front of a podium rallying for Republican causes and ripping President Obama. Sure, his parents are probably very proud of him. And I’m sure fat fuck Rush Limbaugh got a huge kick out of him. But chicks? Nooooo, somebody forgot to tell him that politics aren’t cool when you are 13; and while be a Democrat at 13 is kinda cool, being a Republican is never cool. At any age. Then again, being a Republican, he is probably against pre marital sex. Nevertheless, again, he won’t have the choice of sex.

Congrats to both these kids; they are going to college as virgins!

This is the first post on the new religion I have created, Michaelanitism. Its named after me. After all, if I’m going to be a maniacal, egotistical, charismatic leader, the first step is to name the religion after myself, just like Jesus Christ, founder of Christianity and Herschel Jewy, founder of Judaism. So I guess we should start with an other worldly being, so that you know who you need to be worshiping.

Our other worldly being’s name? Well, it should start with the letter G, after all that seems to be a popular name for an other worldly figure. Ok, well least its God’s name. So from now on the being you will pray to is Gaorphuis. That sounds all sorts of important, doesn’t it? Quick, everybody praise Gaorphuis. Next time you have an orgasm, its not “OH MY GOD!!” that you will be screaming out but instead “OHHHH, ALL POWERFUL AND MIGHTY GAORPHUIS!!!!” Sure, its longer then saying “OH MY GOD!!!” but that just means the orgasm will last longer. And after all, who among us doesn’t want a longer lasting orgasm. You now threaten people with Gaorphuis; instead of “God damn you” its “Gaorphuis damn you” and so on. You get the picture. Anywho, His name is sacred, you must never forget His name or mess His name up. After all, he is the all and powerful Gorphuis.

So where exactly does Gaowhorephuis live? Well that is your first mistake, Gaypus doesn’t live per say; he is an other worldly being so he is just kinda there. Now God and many of the other beings are above us. Sure, Satan is below us, but he is the exception to the rule. Gasnorepus is different, He doesn’t live above us and below us. He lives straight across from us! If you keep walking straight forever and ever until you finally walk off the earth and instead of dropping off you manage to keep walking in a perfectly straight line, by the time you are dead more than a million times over, you will finally meet Gorphanaesus. This is our Heaven! Oh, isn’t this exciting, you finally get to the place where you will spend eternity with the other people who have devoted their life to Michaelanitism; both of them! The place is called Herpesland and its a wonderful, beau…………uhhhh, wait, that might not be the best name, after all it doesn’t sound very appealing, I mean who would aspire to spend all eternity in a place called Herpesland. Instead we will call it Herpesworld! Yes, that’s it, Herpesworld. What a place. Its a paradise, the most perfect place ever; even better than Intercourse Pennsylvania.

So there you go, now you know who you need to worship, Ganfolphuis and where you are going, Herpesworld. Later we will learn what you need to do to get there.

Wait, I changed my mind. Gaorphuis is too much of a name to remember or spell. Instead let’s just call him G for short. Oh, and Herpesworld is too long too, we need to shorten that. Since its where G lives, lets just call it The G Spot, that way people can spend their whole lives trying to get to the G Spot.

I was insulted today in a way that I’ve never been insulted before. Today, somebody told me that I look like I would be a Republican. Me, a fucking Republican! I mean holy shit, why not just call me a fucking Nazi and get it over with? I asked what made me look like a Republican but the person that told me that didn’t have much of a reason for saying I looked like one. I then went on to lecture her for a few minutes about how to politically judge people. Now in her defense, I don’t quite fit into any of the stereotypical political “looks”. I even went as far as to tell her what a Republican looks like and what a Democrat looks like. Now keep in mind their are exceptions to each rule. I mean, some of this is total bullshit when it comes to politics. For example, if somebody saw Michael Steele they might assume that he is a Democrat because he is black, yet he is the head of the Republican National Committee. Jeez, a black Republican, what the fuck happened to him when he was growing up? So I’m not saying you should see somebody and based on what I write here say “Fuck that asshole, he’s a Republican.” No, I’m not saying that at all. All I’m saying is that if they look like this, then you might want to consider that they might be a Republican or a Democrat and therefore avoid certain topics unless you want an argument. This can be useful information. Or it can just be the musings of some jackass who doesn’t have a clue as to what the fuck he is talking about. Honestly, if I were you I would go with the latter. Nevertheless, you should thank me for making your life easier as I’m about to do a service or a disservice to you that could come in handy at some point. Or maybe end up with you getting your ass kicked.

                                                             
                  How To Tell if Somebody Is A Republican

Well the first obvious sign is that they are white. Now I’m not saying all whites are Republican, I’m just saying that if the person is not white, then the odds of them being a Republican are drastically reduced. Also if the are a NASCAR fan or drive a pick up truck. Perhaps they are racist or bigoted in anyway chances are you got yourself a Republican. Maybe they are the type of person who lives in a trailer park, has summer teeth (some are there and some aren’t), their dad and brother are the same person, they are dirt poor, or they have a mullet than that is a sure fire way to tell that they are a Republican. Perhaps they are WAAAAAAAY too hopped up on Jesus, then you know for damn sure that they are a Republican. Again, all of the above assumes they are white as non white Republicans are almost non existent. Oh sure you might come across a non white Republican, but you should just think of them as goofily cute or maybe you are clinically insane because you are hallucinating something that isn’t actually there, kinda like seeing a leprechaun. If the person is EXTREMELY anti gay, you should assume that not only is said person a Republican, but also a closet homosexual. For the most part, Republicans can’t be trusted. If you find yourself in the presence of a Republican, you should probably find a way to get away as soon as possible.

                 How To Tell if Somebody Is A Democrat

This might actually be easier then spotting a Republican. Basically, just follow your nose, it always knows! If they smell like they need a shower and they say that they only shower once a week a change clothes every three days to save water and clothes, then you know you have a Democrat. Or maybe they only shower every other day and use soap during every other shower, plug your fuckin nose because you are about to get the whiff some some overly ripe liberal. If they have long hippie like hair or are indeed a hippie, than there is no chance in hell they are a Republican. If they drive a Toyota Prius or any other gasoline conscious car, then they are a Democrat. If they went to a liberal arts college, come from a big city or the hood, listen to REM, is a vegetarian, vegan, vegavegan beatnik tree humper or care in anyway about the environment, than they are a Democrat. If they are openly gay then you know they are a Democrat. If they care about others while pretending to not care about what’s best for them, that would make them a Democrat. If they are wearing a peace sign of any kind, feel free to beat the shit out of them all want no serious threat of harm to yourself because they are one of them pussy Democrats. If you find yourself in the presence of a Democrat, consider yourself to have a blank check to take full advantage of them without having to worry about any repercussions. In fact, not only will you not have to worry about any repercussions, they will also continue to help you in a way that you can’t possibly be worthy of.

So there you go, now you can accurately judge a political book by its cover. Good luck and if any of this lands you in hot water, its not my fault!

I saw Bill Maher’s “Religulous” again over the weekend and again thought it was wonderful, if you haven’t seen it I’m going to insist you drop everything but your pants and see it right now. Actually, I take that back it might even be better if you do drop your pants, so drop those too. In the dvd extras, he alludes to the fact that religions are kinda like car companies. So I’m going to steal that thought and run with it because he really hit the nail on the head.

We all know how car companies and car dealerships are trying to win your business by tempting you with all sorts of shady deals. No financing for a year. $1,200 cash back. Free rust proofing. Lap dances while you wait for the salesman to talk to the finance manager. Just all sorts of cooky shit. Well, religions are all trying to get you to convert to them as well with all sorts of crazy deals. Become a Mormon now and you will have a whole planet to rule over after you kick it old school. EXTRA, EXTRA!!! CONVERT TO ISLAM AND GET ALL THE PUSSY YOU CAN HANDLE IN THE AFTERLIFE IF YOU SIGN UP NOW! Of course you have to read the fine print which says “by pussy we mean virgin pussy, which although tight, is inexperienced and therefore not very good“. And they don’t tell you that to get that free pussy, you have to blow yourself up by way of suicide bombing that Jewish girls school. And Christianity is no exception. Hell, many of them even go door to door to try to recruit people with a sales pitch that scares you into an eternity in the sweltering pits of Hell if you don’t convert. Go to Hell where you will spent eternity in a blazing hot inferno away from your wife, kids, parents and siblings and instead spending time with other sinners such as George Carlin, Richard Pryor, Jimi Hendrix, and John Lennon. Turn your life over to God and accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and one true savior and spend eternity in Heaven with your family and Pat Robertson, Jerry Falwell and every pope. Hmmmm…………..you’re trying to tell me that spending eternity with my annoying ass family and all those preachers telling me how to live my life is Heaven but the place with the warm temperatures and fun loving legendary entertainers is Hell?

See, all the religions are trying to sell you something. As Bill Maher brilliantly put it, they are trying to sell you an invisible product that you can’t even see, touch or feel until after you are dead. What’s amazing is that they are brainwashing people into believing this shit. It turns out that any whacko with an idea can brainwash people into following them as long as they rape the people’s souls at the time when the people are at their weakest and most in need of help and at their most vulnerable. I don’t know if these people who create these religions are crazy, brilliant, evil or all of the above to come up with these ideas. All I know is that people like Joseph Smith and L Ron Hubbard among many others see a way in which they can obtain money and power by having vivid enough imaginations and are brilliant, charismatic salesmen to gain legions of followers.

But why should they get all the money, fame, power and notoriety while normal douche bags such as ourselves get nothing? Hell, I’ve got a wild and vivid imagination, am charismatic and a convincing salesman. Why can’t I start my own crazy religion? So, I’ve decided that I shall indeed start my own religion. Now how does one go about starting a successful religion? The way I see it, there are certain things that tie all successful religions together. Things that are the groundwork and the base of religion. Things such as:

• A worldly being. Somebody such as a profit (Joseph Smith, Jesus Christ, Mohammed or in my religion, me) needs to receive a message from some all powerful being who makes the rules and determines ones fate in the afterlife. This profit should receive this message away from any witnesses as to never be able to be questioned about believability. Being nearly naked in the middle of the woods or underwater is a good places to start.
• Some wild overly harsh repercussions should somebody break a simple rule that is impossible not to break. Something like eating lunch on a Sunday is punishable by death.
• A mysterious book that was written thousands of years ago by some blowhards that nobody fully understood and can be interpreted in any number of ways. I’m not worried about this in the least, I’m sure I can pull something out of my ass.
• Insanely unreasonable hatred of a certain group of people. Muslims hate the Jews. Christians hate the gays. Jews hate themselves. Mormons hate dark skinned people. And the Jews. And the gays.  A good religion creates a imaginary rift to develop hate against another group of people like saying the Holocaust never happened or that gays are recruiting little children. This one should be easy, after all there are plenty of good, decent, hardworking people to hate by making up stories.
• Fake holidays. Don’t know when your profit was born? Well why not just pick a date out of a hat and run with it. Need an excuse to fast or spend the entire day praying? Well, just stare at the sun for 45 minutes until something comes to you.
• Unexplained hallucinations that involve crazy shit happening. Things like talking snakes and burning bushes and space ships whisking you off to some far and distant planet to be given specific instructions to rule over people. I can see how this can be fun, yet expensive. I mean, think of the money you have to spend on mind altering drugs to get these hallucinations. Then again, think of the fun you’ll have!
• A saintly martyr. Every religion has somebody who died for your sins. Its a way to really guilt people into following you. Of course the best part about this is that it allows you to frame the martyr anyway you like. Just imagine the possibilities!

So over the course of the coming days and weeks, I’m going to create my own religion and all you fuckers not only will follow and convert, but you also will spread the news.