Thursday I got a text message from Dave stating that he actually wanted to go out to the normal bar that my friends and I go to every week. Dave normally doesn’t go, but because he was off work on Friday he wanted to go. At first, Jt said there was a 33% chance that he would go, but once he found out Dave was going he was the first one at the bar. What made the night so significant was that afterward the three of us went out to Denny’s.

See, as pathetic as it may seem, Denny’s is an icon among the three of us. Dave, Jt and I used to be best friends until about 5 years ago I come home to find Jt fuckin my mother. Normally I wouldn’t be upset about somebody fucking my mother, after all, had my dad not fucked my mother than I wouldn’t be here today. But, I took exception to Jt fucking my mother because my mother had been dead for 4 1/2 years. Ok, I know, that was a totally tasteless and classless joke, but it was at least funny. Ok, would you believe a little funny? Somewhat funny?

Well, just disregard that last story altogether.

Anywho, I won’t write the truth as to why we had a falling out, but we were not friends for the better part of 4 years. Until about a year ago when we started making small talk. Then there was a tragedy in Dave’s family and then Jt and I became friends once again. Back in the day, and by back in the day I mean the 1990s, the three of us used to hang out at Denny’s damn near every night, especially when Dave and I were both unemployed and Jt was under 21. We would practically pull shifts there, staying until all hours of the night. We even went as far as to seat people and even get our own coffee from time to time. Well since the falling out, we obviously stopped going. Since we reconciled, I have been trying to get Dave and Jt to go again but to no avail. Thursday was the first time the three of us went together in over five years! It wound up being  just like old times. At one point, Jt even remarked that he missed these times. Because Jt and I had to work the next morning, we were only there for a little more than an hour, but it was still great to have a taste of what we used to have and what we can have again.

If you are a guy, you have no doubt experienced split stream. If you are girl you might be saying to yourself, “Just what is split stream?” Well, its when a guy goes to pee and the stream of piss is split and results in two streams. Its a bit of a pain in the ass but usually corrects itself within a matter of seconds. My question is, why doesn’t this happen to chicks too? I mean, after all, they have to piss too. Of course, it may very well happen to them as well but I just don’t know it, after all its not like I’ve spent time actually watching females piss. From my understanding, if it happens often to guys it can be due to a medical reason. And I guess the reason why it doesn’t happen to chicks is because their plumbing is different. I dunno, maybe I can ask Joe the Plumber about it. Then again, perhaps I will skip asking Joe the Puppet and go straight to the puppetmaster, John McCain. Nevertheless, it really would make things much easier if this happened to girls instead of guys. See, when it happens to a dude, he has to try to make sure he is aiming both streams properly so that it all lands in the toilet. With a chick, she is already sitting on the toilet anyway so if things went totally haywire it wouldn’t matter because its all going into the toilet. Shit, now that I think about it, it may very well happen to them as well but because they can’t see or don’t have to pay attention to where its going then maybe they just don’t know its happening. Still, this is one of the cases in which it sucks to be a man. Than again, I guess it could be worse, I mean at least its only two streams instead of like three or four. Or even worse yet, eight streams, which I guess would make it an octostream. Ohhh, thank you Octomom, your pathetic excuse for fame at least gives people something else to make fun of.

This lady at work was telling me that she once knew somebody who had three kidneys. It got me to thinkin, what would I do if I had three kidneys? I’m guessing one could be sold. Hell, a third kidney? Shit, that thing would be bleepin’ golden, I just can’t give it away for nothing. I’m thinkin it would have to be worth at least 10g’s, hell maybe even more if the person is really rich. I could put it on E-Bay or Craig’s List or something like that. Oh, I’m sure there are rules and laws that prevent people from selling organs. I mean, after all, we can’t just have people harvesting people’s organs to sell on the black market. That’s why I would have to come up with a clever way of posting a kidney for sale. Like maybe instead of selling it, I can just rent it. How can I get away with that? Well, the intent would be that when the person is done using the kidney (or liver or whatever other body part I’m renting this month) they give it back. Hell by that time I may actually be in need of another kidney. And who better to take the kidney but its original owner.

You know, I just thought about something. How do I know that I don’t already have an extra kidney or liver? After all, I’ve never seen inside my body. I haven’t had many medical tests or surgeries for anybody to actually be able to see inside. Hell, there has got to be a way to find out of I have any extra organs. From now on, my new priority in life is to find out if I have any extra organs I can sell. Oops………..not sell, I mean rent!

Its time now for my annual baseball season preview, in which I show how much I don’t actually know about baseball by make futile predictions that are usually way off. The season started off with a win for the Cubs, which made me happy. Everybody is picking the Cubs to win their division again this year. Personally, the division is no longer enough for me. The won their division the last two years only to get swept in the playoffs. I’m not saying they need to win the World Series to call it a successful season. All I’m looking for is progress, in other words, they need to win a playoff series. The regular season was great last year; they won 97 games and I loved every second of it. But it didn’t matter much because they bothered to not even win a game in the post season.

So where do I see them finishing this year? My bold prediction is that they will miss the playoffs. They have a ton of question marks mixed in with some aging players. Although sometimes the combo turns out good, but a lot of times its a recipe for disaster. Granted, barring any major injuries, they should at the very least contend for the division title, mainly because none of the other teams in the division are all that good. The Brewers barely made the playoffs last year with CC Sabathia and Ben Sheets. That being said, they should be formidable again this year. And one should never count out the Cardinals. Now I’m not saying who is going to win the division because I’m unsure about that. I just don’t think it will be the Cubs. On paper, it should be the Cubs. But, let’s wait and see.

As for Chicago’s other team, I think they will surprise people. It seems every year people over look them and every year they sneak up and contend, if not win. I see this year as being no different.

A lot of people think the Yankees are the team to beat. Sure they may have spent a gazillion dollars on several big name players and a shiny new stadium. But, that doesn’t always translate into win. To me, they still have a very suspect bullpen. It will be interesting to see if the Rays were a fluke, I don’t think they were but you never know. I’m certainly rooting for them to beat the Red Sox and Yankees. Then again, it would be really funny if the Blue Jays came from out of know where and won that division.

The Mets, who I hate more than any other team in sports, seem to have a good team on paper every year. And yet, every year, they seem to choke down the stretch. The last couple of years I picked them to go to the World Series. Well, I learned my lesson. I’m not picking them until they prove that they don’t confuse the month of September with the month of March and actually win a meaningful game. Of course, I hope they will never win.

As for my World Series pick, how about Dodgers over the Red Sox.

I can’t believe this, its totally ridiculous. I just can not accept that a really really bad former minor league baseball player got elected to the Basketball Hall of Fame today. Honestly how does that shit happen? I mean, the guy barely batted .200 in the low minors, how the hell does he deserve to go to the Basketball Hall of Fame?

Wait. Waaaait a minute. Hmmmm………….it says here that the person in question is Michael Jordan. Come to think of it, I have heard of his name being mentioned in regards to basketball a time or two.