May 17, 2009

  • Another Get Rich Over A Gradual Course Of Time Scheme!

    I had a brilliant thought today on how I can  become rich. Now I don't want you stealing this idea for yourself, so please keep it secret. Wait, come to think of it it turns out I can't trust you. I'm going to have to ask you to take a vow of silence after you read this. No, check that, I need you to cut off your tongue. Wait a minute, you can still write without a tongue. So, why don't you cut off your hands too. You know what, fuck it, you are just going to have to kill yourself after reading this. That is the only way I know my secret won't get out.

    Ok, since we are all in agreement on your suicide for my own personal gain, now on with the business of me telling you my idea. I'm going to start printing counterfeit money out of my basement. Now you might be thinking "Mike, just how the hell are you going to do this?" Well people, you forget, I'm also the same person who came up with a vaccine for hardcore Christians, even though I never actually made it. I'm also the one who found a way to detach my 6th toe on my left foot.............even though I don't even have a 6th toe. And I created a way to grade people's ugliness on a scale ranging from smokin hot to...........well damnit, I forgot, but you can rest assured that there was a bottom to the scale. So clearly I'm a genius at getting shit like this done and changing the world.

    So first I have to make a machine. Don't worry, I've got that covered. I'm going to get some sort of uhhhhh................super gum along with screws of some kind. Also, there will be a motor involved but only one that is quiet. Next we will need spray paint, I want the machine to look like your average run of the mill couch, that way nobody is none the wiser. Of course we will need paper to make the money on. I  don't anticipate this being much of a problem. My neighbor has a tree that he said I can use, I just have to make him a couple of $2 bills. Finally, we need water. I'm predicting I will get thirsty down there, as the machine will have a tendency to run hot.

    Now you can see that what I've got so far is a brilliant blue print of a plan. Oh shit, I almost forgot. Fuck, this changes everything. I don't even have a damn basement! Well fuck it anyway, the whole damn plan is off!