Long time readers (and by long time I mean exactly one year ago today) might remember that last year I invented a rather obvious holiday called Lunch Day, named for because today is the 6th month and the 9th day. So this year I was determined to celebrate Lunch Day by either finding somebody to eat out or having somebody eat me out. Or both.

So I snuck into my neighbor’s house lookin for someone to eat. Of course it was totally dark in the house, what with it being 3 in the morning and all. What can I say, I was bored. So I walked in the house and instantly dropped my pants. This was a problem because I refused to actually take them off so I was forced to waddle all around the house with my pants around my ankles. Made for a rough time bumping into to shit and tripping over things. I may have kicked the dog into the cat, I just don’t know. They also may have been having sex at the time, after all, its Lunch Day for animals too!

So finally I found somebody. It was totally dark so I wasn’t sure who, but I sat down right on their face, kinda like Bruno did to Eminem. It felt really weird, but hey, I had to do what I had to do to take part in Lunch Day. I was amazed at how they didn’t seem to mind and went right along with it. Not only were they into it, but they were also very quiet about it. It kinda hurt though. Actually not even kinda. It really hurt. After about 45 minutes the person’s face rang. This is when I realized I wasn’t actually sitting on person’s face but instead their cordless phone.

I got up and continued to mosey around the house with pants down at my ankles. I was going to have Lunch Day come hell our high water! I went into the bathroom to pee, because you have no idea how having a cordless phone tickling your ass for 45 minutes can really make you pee. It was either that or the eight Mike’s Hard Lemonades I drank. I left the toilet seat up just in case I had to go again.

I managed to make it into the office. This was kinda weird and odd because it turns out they had surveillance all set up recording my every move at my house. Apparently they like to watch me jerk off. Good for them!

Oh. Wait. Turns out they might be under cover Cuban spies. Meh…………why do all the good neighbors turn out working for Castro?

So onto the bed room I go. Much to my surprise I found them actually eating a sandwich and potato chips. Turns out they had a different interpretation of Lunch Day.

So I asked the wife to blow me while I blew the husband as he ate lunch. True story.

Shit. I’ve got new subscribers. I probably shouldn’t make shit like that up when I have new subcribers. I’m not really this crazy honest. I just like making crazy shit up. It keeps things interesting. And maybe even entertaining. Or not. But at the least, its creepy!

I swear, the human body is really fucking funny and confusing at times, for many reasons. Take cleavage and the ass crack. Both look so much alike, yet can’t be any more different. What’s even funnier is that for a lot of people, they are either very turned on by one or the other or very disgusted by them. Take a straight male for example. He would be totally disgusted by a male ass crack yet extremely turned on by a chick’s cleavage, as would a lesbian. A gay guy might find ass cleavage to be a turn on but not turned on in the least by female titty cleavage.

Both cleavage and crack are part of something greater, which although made up of the same thing (fatty tissues) and come in pairs are completely different. Tits have nipples, butts don’t. Asses many times have hair, tits usually don’t unless the chick is Italian. Breasts produce milk that is given babies who eat it and digest it only to have it leave through the ass. Come to think of it, its kinda like the circle of life!

Still why is it that something is a total turn on if it is located in a certain part of the body but a total turn off it located at another part of the body, yet it looks exactly the same?

Meh……………….don’t look at me for an explanation, I’m not turned on by cleavage or ass cracks.

Fuck. By the way, what the hell is the appropriate spelling for titty, would it be t-i-t-t-y or t-i-t-t-i-e? The internet has it both ways. I guess I could go either way on the spelling.

Damnit, there was something really funny I was going to post about but forgot because this cleavage ass shit got stuck in my head. Maybe I will remember it later, but knowing me I will forget all about it before I have a chance to get it down.

You know, in a way, masterbating is better than sex. Oh, I’m not saying it is or that I would rather masterbate than have sex. Quite honestly, that’s just bullshit and crazy talk. I mean, nothing beats laying back and letting somebody do all the work for you.

Wait. That makes me sound lazy and like a bad lay. Don’t get me wrong, I AM lazy. And I’m also a bad lay.

Fuck. You know what, let’s just scratch the last couple of sentences please. I’d delete them but that’s just too much work. So I’m just going to have you do all the work of pretending that I didn’t write that while I kick back and watch the game.

But, there are a lot of advantages to masterbation that flat out just don’t get with sex. For example, there is no masturbatory pressure, you only have to satisfy one person, which usually isn’t hard seeing as you know EXACTLY what you like and want. At least there shouldn’t be any pressure. Shit, if you pressure yourself when it comes to masterbating, well then you are really way more uptight then you should be and probably need some sort of professional help, like a sex therapist, porn or a hooker.

But see with sex you have to be concerned about the other person being satisfied. Its not bad enough that you have to show up but you also have to be expected to perform. And should you make the mistake of cumming first, well then you have even more pressure to try to make the other person cum even though you are not horny anymore and all you want to do is pass right the fuck out. So I guess the key would be to make sure your partner cums first.

Also you don’t have to be presentable in any way, shape or form to masterbate. You can leave yourself go. No pruning of the bush if you know what I mean. Hell you don’t even have to shower. You can basically go 6 weeks without showering and not have to worry about being too stinky for sex. Its really quite liberating. Of course with sex, you have to make sure that you shower and take care of things. You want to make sure you don’t sweat too much so that your downtown region is fine in case your partner takes a trip downtown. And of course you don’t want him or her to have a pube mustache complete with the curlies gettin in his or her mouth and ruining the mood when he or she has to stop for 5 minutes to pick pubes out of their teeth or out of their mouth. And I’m well aware of the very rare and special guy that can blow himself and therefore he might want to take care of himself should he be the freak show that is a self sucker, but honestly if you can suck your own cock than pubes and smells should be the least of your concerns.

By the way, does sucking your own cock make you gay? I would think it would make you at least bi because you are sucking cock and every male cocksucker I have known has been gay. I guess it might actually make you bi. Then again, maybe we need a whole new word for the guy who is straight yet can make a cocksucking exception as long as it is his own. He wouldn’t really be bi since he is only into own own cock. Wait, I got it! We can call guys who are straight who suck their own cocks mysexuals. Or my for short.

Imagine if you told somebody you were my, people would automatically be impressed. Or appalled. Or both. People would then be curious. They would want to see you do it. You would be such a huge hit at parties. And funerals. And talk about a conversation starter…………people would flock to you. Hell you might even be able to come out with self cocksucking training videos.

Oh and I’m not my. But its not from a lack of trying, I can assure you that.

Long time readers know that I hate two people, one being my cousin (who is actually dead now, so I guess we can take him off the list) and the other is my mother’s evil to the core sister. Well, as I wrote the other day, my mom’s brother died and tonight was the wake. My mom’s evil to the core sister hates me and I hate her. Her daughter hates me as well and her daughter’s husband hates me because he has to, however I think he only hates me out of spousal obligation. Honestly, I the only one I hate is my mom’s evil to the core sister.

Well tonight was my uncle’s wake. I actually talked with my cousin and her husband ever so slightly. And at the end of the night she said “come on cousin, how many years has it been” (its been 9 1/2, but honestly, who’s keepin track) and gave me a hug. Next she brought her mom over to me and she gave me a hug and a kiss as well. Yes, it burned, but that was because she was sticking a cigarette into my back. Wait. No she wasn’t. Also, it made my skin crawl. I still hate her. That is never going to change. But, I will give her credit. I always said that if there would be some sort of reconciliation with her, it would have to come from her. She would have to make the first move. And she did. I commend her and give her credit for doing it.

Not that there is going to be some sort of lovefest between us though. But, at least now we don’t have to ignore each other at family gatherings, which lately is happening all too frequently as this was the 3rd person who had died in my family in the last 2 months.

As for my other cousin who I posted about the other day, I felt extremely guilty about not letting her stay here with her loser husband. That being said, I was determined to stick to my guns. Sunday I found out that they were down to the last person they were going to ask and if they were told no, then they were going to stay in their car for the time they were here. I felt awful, but I still was not going to budge. Fortunately, they were able to stay at that person’s house and alls well that ends well.

I don’t know why, but it seems like my house is a magnet for animals. And birds. A few years ago I had a raccoon living in the garage. There is a bird’s nest on a couple of my gutters in the backyard. Well, maybe not exactly on the gutters, but on the pipe things that reach from the gutters. Its hard to explain. And a couple of weeks ago, some birds moved in to underneath the shingles but above the wood of my roof in the backyard. I’m not explaining that right. Its more kinda not quite in the attic……….but again hard to explain. Anywho, I think the birds tore the facet (spelling please……..its at the top of the house, not quite the roof but not the siding) somehow. Well, I was kinda torn as to what to do. I mean, I need to protect my house, after all I put a ton of money into a new roof just last summer. I can’t have the wood being exposed somewhere. So I thought that the birds were all out as I had not heard them in a while. So Thursday I called up the guy who replaced the roof and asked him if he could swing by and put up the missing facet. He said he could do it on Friday.  I got home from work on Thursday and went out back and saw a bird come from the nest. I assumed the birds were still in there, but again hadn’t heard any noise. I figured I better call Animal Control in my town to see if they could do anything for me. I also knew that last year it took the guy several days just to get out and start the roof. I assumed by Friday, he actually meant sometime in the middle of this week.

Well, Friday came and he actually did what he said he would do. And over the weekend I could hear the birds in there. Only I think they are stuck in there now .

Now I don’t normally use smiley faces in my posts. In fact, I really don’t like using them in posts. I don’t think they have any place in a good post. But now I feel they are probably appropriate, because I feel shitty about what I’ve done, yet pissed and confused all at the same time. Then back to sad again. So if you are scoring at home, that’s 4 smiley faces, yet they aren’t actually smiley faces because none of them are smiles.

Tomorrow I’ve got some pest control companies coming out. The birds are quiet right now, however I think I can hear some of them starting to hatch. Obviously I don’t want them to hatch because then I will have problems. And then I will not only be called a birdkiller but also a baby birdkiller, and honestly does it get any lower?

Well, except maybe being a pro lifer who murders an abortion doctor in a church.

I just took one of those bullshit quizzes online and here is what it says about me.

You Are An ENTJ

The Executive You are a natural leader – with confidence and strength that inspires others. Driven to succeed, you are always looking for ways to gain, power, knowledge, and expertise. Sometimes you aren’t the most considerate person, especially to those who are a bit slow. You are not easily intimidated – and you have a commanding, awe-inspiring presence. In love, you hold high standards… for yourself, for your relationship, and for your significant other. While it’s easy for you to impress others, it’s hard for you to find someone who impresses you. At work, you are organized and good at delegating. You understand how to achieve goals. You would make a great CEO, entrepreneur, or consultant. How you see yourself: Rational, calm, and objective When other people don’t get you, they see you as: Inflexible, controlling, and overbearing

I thought it was rather accurate.

Wow. I have quite the ego.