July 14, 2009

• This Just In: Go To Hell!

  I was in a discussion with my crazy cousin the other day about the media. Now I’ve never been big on the media. I used to not watch much of the news, but now that we have a tv in our breakroom at work, I find myself watching CNN on breaks and lunches (that is, if the Cubs game ain’t on, after all a guy has to have his priorities). Also if I’m watching a game at home I will click on CNN during commercial breaks just to see if there is anything big going on. I also mainly get my news from Yahoo!, The Daily Show, Bill Maher and David Letterman. Oh, and an old relic called the newspaper, in particular the Chicago Tribune. People think that one can not get their news from comedians such as Jon Stewart and Bill Maher, but I beg to differ. While they may be comedians and some people might call them irrelevant, they do still dispense some sort of news if nothing more then to just make fun of it. But, they are comedians, and they are what they are; they also should not be your only source for news.

  Some of my my frustration with the real news is that they spend so much covering things that don’t matter. They make things like who the latest sleezbag to be dippin his dipstick in the STD colony that is Paris Hilton. The seem overly concerned with Jon and Kate and their unfortunate 8 kids then other more important topics. They also seem to be obsessed with negativity and fear. They love to scare the shit out of people, just like politicians. Fear. Watch the news or else you wont know about the tornado headed your way. Watch the news so you can be safe from the outbreak of flu caused by the farmer in Kentucky that had sex with his cow. If you don’t watch, you will die! DIE!!! DIEEEEEEE!!! Yes people, its that serious.

  Of course, nowadays the big three networks (ABC, CBS and NBC for those of you who were born before 1900) still have their nightly evening newcasts, but in addition to them you have three 24 hour round the clock all news channels. Because they are 24 hours a day, they have way too much time on their hands. So much that in addition to covering the 2 weeks leading up to Michael Jackson’s funeral in which they say everything humanly possible about the man, they also cover his seemingly endless funeral. And its not just enough to televise the funeral, they also need to provide analysis of the funeral. That’s right, analysis of a fucking funeral. At some point when you have to analyze a funeral, you have passed the point of news and slammed right the fuck into a full fledged entertainment circus train.

  But they still cover politics and although they try to say they are non biased, of course they are all biased in their own way. Let me explain how.

  • FOX News- They Report. They Decide. They also claim to be fair and balanced. Yeah, as long as the balance weighs heavily on the right.  In case you didn’t know, FOX News is pretty much an extension of the Republican party, created some 13 years ago by Rupert Murdoch because the rest of the media was “too liberal”. That right there is a clue that they are Republicans. Also, Dick Cheney insists that when he stays at a hotel, when he walks into his room the tv has to be on FOX News. And if Dick Cheney believes in it, than surly its evil.
  • MSNBC- You probably have no problem recognizing MSNBC, its the network that is always nearly fainting at the mere mention of Barack Obama’s name. They believe that at the end of his terms in office, Obama will rightfully rise back to Heaven to serve at the side of the Lord. Then again, I don’t believe in God. But they believe in Obama. No truth to the rumor that they are changing their name to MSNBO.
  • CNN- While the other networks have their biases towards political parties, CNN has a VERY heavy bias, only not towards any particular party. They are heavily biased towards themselves. They LOVE themselves much in the same way the high school cheerleader stares in the mirror all day in love with the beauty that is reflected back. If you ask CNN they have the best political team on tv. They also have the best coverage of any event or news story. Also they love to go on and on about their wonderful technology. Live on hologram from Grant Park, its Wil.I.Am. Here is live coverage with our mega tiny camera of Paris Hilton’s pussy as it is being plowed by another random stranger. And here is our touch screen, oh, our wonderful touch screen detailing all the different cities and states Lindsay Lohan has been muff diving. Nobody has coverage like us. Look at us, we are the best me, me, me!! Did I mention me?

  With networks like this, is there any wonder why I turn to comedians? Then again, the 24 news networks coverage is pretty comical, even if unintentional.

  • 12:14 am
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