Well this is it. I’ve made a potentially live altering decision. I’ve decided it time I learned how to swim. Life altering because should I find myself alone and underwater than I have at least a 30% chance of survival as opposed to now when I have a 0% chance. Part of the problem though is that I’m so good at sinking, I don’t know how I’m ever going to get to know how to swim. I was looking online for lessons and it appears that there are not many lessons in my area, especially for people who, you know, aren’t kids. But, I’m hopeful that I can find someone to teach me.

Maybe I’ll see what Michael Phelps is up to these days. Wait, bad idea. It needs to be somebody who isn’t so hot because I would imagine it would be hard to swim with an erection…………..and also hard to hide one when wearing swim shorts. I’m thinking I will have to have somebody ugly teach me, but that’s tough, because most lifeguards and swim teachers are hot because, hey, they swim a lot and swimming keeps you in shape.

By the way, does anybody else find it odd that when somebody knows how to swim they call said person a swimmer but if they can’t swim there is no name for them? Shouldn’t they be called something, like a sinker?

Now I want to be clear, I don’t have a fear of water in the least. Back in the day, I used to go white water rafting every year. And I love water parks and water slides. For whatever reason though, I never learned how to swim. So better late than never. Once I learn, I will be able to drive off  bridges and into the water because I will know how to swim!

Much of Chicago is going crazy for the Blackhawks right now who have made it to the Stanley Cup Finals for the first time since 1992 and they will be trying to win it for the first time since 1961, the longest drought in the NHL. I’ve never been a hockey fan and I’m also not a bandwagon jumper so I really don’t give a shit and won’t be watching. Don’t get me wrong, I hope they win for my brother and another good friend of mine who are both big Hawks fans, but personally it means nothing to me. I am a big baseball, basketball and football fan so people assume that I’m also into hockey and they ask me about the Hawks but I explain I don’t like hockey. Of course, all of a sudden, there are a ton of Hawks fans, even though a lot of them were not fans in the dark ages when the team really really sucked. I’ve always been annoyed at bandwagon jumpers, the way I see it only somebody supports a team through the good and bad can call themselves a fan.

My twin brother Mark, though, has been a big Hawks fan for a long time. Now many of the Blackhawk’s players and fans are growing playoff beards, not shaving from the time the playoff started back in early April until the Hawks have either been eliminated or won the Stanley Cup. So Mark has been growing the beard. Up until the finals, I have been rooting against the Hawks because it meant that the sooner they were eliminated the sooner he shaves. Now that they are in the finals, the damn thing is going to be shaved after this round no matter if they win or lose, so there is no long an incentive for me to root against then. Certainly its not my business if my brother wants to grow a damn beard. The problem is that its coming in gray and even white and he refuses to color it. We are twins…………….when he does shit like this it makes both of us look older! People see him and say “wow, that beard is weird and old, Mike and Mark must be like 45 years old!” Well the reality is that we are not even close to 45, he shouldn’t be allowed to do this without my consent first since it affects both of us.

I was watching America: The Story Of Us on the History Channel last night. You may or may not have seen previews to this program, but just based on the title, I’m sure you have a good understanding of what it is about. Well last night’s episode dealt with the Great Depression and World War II among other things. One thing I didn’t realize was just how vital woman were during the war. Oh sure, I knew that they worked while the men went off to fight in the war, but I didn’t realize all the things they did; we very well would not have won the war without them. Another part of the program detailed the legendary fights between Joe Louis and Max Schmeling. One of the things I found so amazing was how the country came together not only to root for Louis, but also to win the war, united in our support of America and the Allied Forces.

America has gone through many phases of great division, obviously none more than the Civil War. Ironically its war that has driven us the furthest apart but also brought us the closest together. It seems to be that when we are brought together we seem to accomplish the most, like with WWII. And I’m sure we all remember how united the country was in the months after September 11, it was like nothing any of us had ever seen. Oh sure, there is always going to be dissent, and honestly dissent is a very important part of the democratic process. I’m not talking about simple dissent, but I’m referring to bitter, dangerous disagreements. 

I mention this because our country seems so bitterly divided right now, almost more so then any other time in my lifetime. I certainly do remember the elections of 2000 and 2004 when the country was virtually split politically, however it just didn’t seem like the rhetoric and division was as mean and nasty as it is now.

Look, its no big secret where I stand with my politics, I’m pretty much about as liberal as they come. And my beliefs that I have documented here before are about as divisive as many people. But it is the way people go about with their disagreements. And it seems to be on every single topic. I swear, right now I don’t think there is anything that the Democrats or the Republicans/Tea Partyiers could agree on. Somebody recently made a joke that when President Obama announced that he wants Lebron James to sign with the Chicago Bulls, the Republicans made moves to block the signing. A funny joke and something not to be taken seriously, but it also goes to show you just how divided the two parties remain.

Now I could go on about how much of this is the fault of Sarah Palin and Glenn Beck and many of the other Republicans. But honestly, nobody wants to hear that anymore. Everybody is sick of finger pointing and blaming others. We live in a society that only seems to react to extremes. People only listen and pay attention to the soundbite that compares a political figure to Hitler or something along those lines. Those sort of comparisons get people fired up and passionate and spreads the wrong message. When Bush was in office people had pictures of him with a Hitler mustache much like they do the same thing with Obama right now. It was wrong with Bush and its wrong with Obama. Let’s face it, neither Bush nor Obama are even close to being Hitler. Yet when they compare them to Hitler, they create division and honestly does that sort of thing really help America?

I certainly hope that it won’t take another world war or terrorist attack to bring the country together. All of this hated and rhetoric being spewed out against our fellow Americans is not only draining, but it breeds apathy on certain levels and turns some people off to the world of politics and the more and more people who don’t care, the harder our problems are to fix.

I’ve said it before and I will say it again, the human body really is amazing. See how we have two of everything. Two eyes, two legs, two arms, two lungs. Are you like me, do you have a preference for certain body parts over the body’s counterpart? Take my kneecaps for example. See, for the most part, I’m not racist. I say most part for a reason. You know how people say how somebody doesn’t have a racist bone in their body, you know like that is supposed to mean something. Well, I’ve only got one racist bone in my body. Turns out my left kneecap has problems with Jews. I don’t know exactly what the Jews did to piss off my left kneecap, but it really has some major Jew issues. I dunno why. The rest of me though, not racist. But its this exact reason why I prefer my right kneecap over my left kneecap. Hell I’d totally have the thing whacked if it wouldn’t leave me in crippling pain. Although I’m right handed, I think I like my left hand more than my right hand, the reason being is because there are two things I do with my left hand and drying dishes is the other thing.

All that being said, it is kinda disappointing that there are not doubles of everything. Oh sure, I’m fine with just one heart or one brain. But, why do men have only one penis? After all we have two balls, why not two cocks? I remember reading a story once about an iguana in China that had two cocks. Why couldn’t we have two cocks? Could you imagine the use? If one gets tired you can go to the other one as a back up. And let’s say you have to go piss really bad, and you can’t wait to get it all out, wouldn’t it be convenient to deploy a second penis to get it all out quicker? Just think that is relief in half the time!

Oh sure, there would be problems with a second dick. Suppose you have to take Viagra, would both of them become erect or would one lay limp while the other one does all the work…………….or gets all the action, depending on how you look at it. And what if one cock is huge and the other is tiny, wouldn’t that look really odd? Of course, maybe that could be a good thing, after all some people get scared off when they see a cock that is big enough to beat a baby seal. For those people you can give them the tiny cock. Or maybe they are size queens, then you can give them the big cock. And just imagine, with two cocks you can cross swords all by yourself!

Damn. I think I really have too much time on my hands. If only I had a second cock to keep myself busy………….

Ever have one of those days when everything happens? Yesterday was one of those days, I was triple booked with things to do. I had a birthday party for a one year old and two different card games. So just how does one appear in three places at once? Well cloning, of course! But since I can’t afford cloning and the last thing the world needs is two more of me running around, I devised a plan to try to make it to as many places as possible.

The first party started at two in the pm. I always arrive early or just about on time for everything, which usually annoys people who host parties. So I planned to get there just after two, knowing that I would be the first person there. Much to my surprise though, I got there at 2:05 and there were already a lot of people there, most of which I didn’t know. I walked up the stairs and discovered a huge spread of appetizers and deserts. Of course I started to graze when somebody I actually knew came up to me and we started talking. Finally more people I knew showed up and we ate and yadda yadda yadda, next thing I knew it was 5pm and I needed to go, as the next party started at 5 with the card game set to start at 6.

I got to the next place at 5:30 and much to my surprise I was the first one there. Not only was I the first one there but nobody else arrived for almost an hour and we didn’t even start playing until 7:30! This was going to cause a problem for my other game. So my goal now was to play for a couple of hours but lose in time to play the other game. This meant doing all sorts of crazy shit that I don’t normally do, just playing wild and recklessly. The only problem was that I kept winning. Normally that is a good thing. But here I was, chip leader with me hoping to make it to another game. After a couple of hours we had a chance to re-buy or add on, meaning by more chips. I declined with the hope of losing my chips. It didn’t work. After an hour, I sent a text to the guy who had the other game and told him I wasn’t going to make it. He told me it was okay because they had just finished up the game and everybody was heading home. Great. By this time though, I was no longer chip leader, but I was holding my own. Now I had to rededicate myself to winning.

Originally there were nine of us in the game. We had it down to seven people and the host’s dad was chip leader. We got down to four people when I won a big pot from him. I was not chip leader, as by this time the host had grabbed the lead, but I was not far off. On we played and the host kept winning more and more. Next thing we know, its just the three of us left and only the top 2 get money. The dad and I kept pushing each other to the brink of elimination. It was really kinda crazy, I never had a game like this before where one person was so thoroughly dominating two other people who were beating each other up while clinging on for dear life. Every time I got to the point where I was almost done, I would come back and the same for him. He even got to a point where he couldn’t cover his blind and the host and I kept tripling him up. It was frustrating but amazing at the same time. Then I got down so low that I couldn’t cover my blinds but I came back. Meanwhile, the host was slowly being drained of his chips. Finally, about 2:15 in the morning, I managed to take his dad out! Now I had all the confidence in the world and I set my sites on actually winning the game, which I did about 15 minutes later. I was worn out, but it was well worth it.

This morning I woke up to find my friend Dave at my house going through stuff in my garage. I should explain that his parents stuff is in my garage so most of the stuff in my garage is his. We have had two garage sales to get rid of things and he has sold a bunch of stuff on EBay, but there is still quite a bit left. Well, what should we find in there but a silver on copper serving tray……………..from 1883! You might think it would be worth a ton of money right? Well we went online to try to find out its value and the best we could come up with was anywhere between $15 and $50. I guess there is just not a market for these things.

Man, that Whitney Houston is full of shit, the greatest love of all is not easy to achieve!

Okay, so I realize I probably annoyed more than just a few people by putting a link in my title, but thought it was a neat little trick (or dirty little trick, depending on your view) to get you to go to that link and sign the petition to overturn “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell”. They are trying to get 100,000 people to sign it by Monday. At least I think they are trying to get 100,000 signatures, I could be wrong, but either way it can’t hurt to sign it. Right now they are up to 76,243. Again that link is

http://www.couragecampaign.org/page/s/dontdelayondadt

So go and sign it. You know you want to!

Last night I went to the Cubs game, but they fucking lost again so I won’t waste anymore words on “the idiots in blue” (as my brother called them) for this post.

Tonight was my niece’s preschool graduation. The crazy thing was that it was held in a small auditorium in the high school I graduated in. They had a ceremony complete with the kids wearing graduation gowns, hats and tassels, graduation music and diplomas. They called each kid down to get their diploma and asked them what they wanted to be when they grow up. I found the whole thing…………..well, not to sound too much like a dick, but I found it a bit much for a preschool graduation. I mean, aren’t kids expected to graduate preschool? I don’t know if it is good or bad that they have a whole graduation ceremony for preschool, hell I guess its a nice thing for the kids and all, but I have to wonder, and please correct me if I’m wrong, if it lowers the bar and expectations for the kids. Of course, I’m also not a parent, so I should probably keep my mouth shut.

It was surreal though to be with Mark’s kids (Mark is my twin brother) in our old high school. When I first got there, before the ceremony started, I dragged Mark away so that we can walk the halls of the school. In this one section of the school hangs the class picture of each graduating class. We found our year and looked at the group of people and laughed. I also walked around the school after the ceremony as well and it was just so weird. For starters, the auditorium, class rooms, lunchroom, hallways, hell, everything seemed much smaller than I remembered it. I wouldn’t say I have a lot of fond memories of high school, but I don’t have a lot of bad memories either. To be honest, I was pretty much just a nobody in high school, except for the fact that Mark and I were known kind of as a package deal because we were twins, however most people didn’t know which was Mark and which was Mike even though we don’t look alike.

I also found it kind of sad that outside of Mark and his best friend Rusty, I really don’t keep in touch with anybody I knew in high school. I’ve either grown apart from all of them or just stopped being friends with them for various reasons. And while it was certainly kind of cool to go back, it also leaves me with a………….weird feeling. I mean, when you are four or five like those kids graduating or even in high school, you have the future in your hands. Anything is possible. You always imagine what life will be like when you get older. And while I certainly am still young, I am now older, but this is not anything like how I thought my life would be. Not that its a bad thing. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not sad about my station in life, its just that I could have never pictured my life being the way it is. I was walking those halls tonight and it was almost like being right back in high school 20 years ago. Shit, where does it all go? You look up and all of a sudden, you are in your mid 30s and you are wondering to yourself “holy shit, that was fast, its like I was just in this damn school last year.” I guess what I’m saying is that I don’t want to look back on my life in 20 years and say “well fuck, that was a waste”. I want more out of life. I just don’t know how to get it.

Some of you may know that I’m a big history guy, in particular, American history. So when I found out that the History Channel was going to be airing a 12 part series about the history of the United States, I was all over that shit.  Each episode is two hours long and last night was the third installment of the series. Most of last night’s show dealt with the Civil War and westward expansion along with the building of the transcontinental railroad. Oh, and the pillaging of the land from the Native Americans. Lots of gun fire and murders and pillaging and swinging of hammers into nails in the railroad and pillaging and telegraphs and cowboys and of course, pillaging. Ahhh, the pillaging. I’m sure glad the Native Americans weren’t using the land that they were living on, otherwise America might not think twice about stealing and pillaging the land from them. Wait. America didn’t think twice.

As the show went on and on with laborers building railroads and destroying mountains and pillaging, all of a sudden it hit me. Boy am I REALLY lucky I was born now instead of oh, I dunno, 150 years ago. I mean honestly, what the fuck would have I done with my life? I mean, I’m not doing much with my life right now, but hell, back then, there would have been nothing for me to do career wise, shit its not like they had call centers back then. There was all sorts of manual and physical labor and shooting guns and risking your life to build a railroad or pillage the land from the rightful owners and not only does none of that interest me in the least, but also I’m not exactly…………..built for anything like that. I’m a small, tiny man who struggles to carry a fucking gallon of milk, there was simply no way in hell I could swing a large…………..hell I don’t even know what it was called, you know, thing to nail the nails into the railroad. I’m not brave enough or strong enough to be able to control a horse while shooting a gun to control cattle or more importantly, murder Native Americans while reliving them of their land. I’m a people person, I’m good at customer service and making people laugh and interacting with people and there wasn’t much normal, sane interaction with people like there is today.

You should catch the show though, its been pretty good and tells a different side of the history of the United States. Sure, everybody knows the basic things like Lincoln getting whacked or Thomas Jefferson nailing the fuck out of every slightly dark skinned woman, but it goes into detail about what it was like to live back then as just a normal every day person.

Oh, and the pillaging. Mustn’t forget the pillaging.

David Letterman had his mother on his show Friday night to do the Top 10 list. And while I recommend going to his website to view her reading it, I have taken the liberty of copying and pasting the very funny list right here:

Top Ten Pieces Of Advice For Being A Good Mother

I didn’t have much to do this weekend, so I watched a couple of movies. One of the movies was HBO’s You Don’t Know Jack which starred Al Pacino as Dr. Jack Kevorkian. Back in the 1990s when Kevorkian was at his most controversial, I didn’t know what to make of him. I was on the fence about the whole right to die issue, however the one thing I did know was that he was really creepy lookin. And when you added the whole Dr. Death thing into the mix, it made him even more creepy. Once my mom got sick with cancer though, I went from being on the fence of the issue to 100% in agreement with Dr Death. This is why I tried to smother my mother with a pillow on several occasions. Once I found out she was sick, I tried to smother her even more often! While I’m quite certain the movie embellishes upon some of his life, you can argue about his issue, but what you can’t argue is his balls to put his ass on the line to do what he did. I’m a passionate person when it comes to a lot of things, but I don’t know if I would have the balls to go to prison for my cause as guys like me would not hold up well in prison. Without a doubt, Jack is not only a bit cooky but probably a bit nuts, not for his view on the right to die issue but because of his personality. When I add it up though, in a weird way, the guy is almost a hero.

As for myself, I was thinking if I would have the balls to go through with my own assisted suicide if I were in a situation medically that was as dire as some of his patients. See, I’m totally, 100% scared absolutely shitless of death. I’ve always said that I would hang on until the bitter end, scratching and clawing my way to my grave. But, honestly, when I think about it, I don’t know what I would do in that situation. Die a long, painful, horrible death or go peacefully after accepting you are going to die? I do know this much, I think my mom would have agreed with Kevorkian, as she always said if she were sick she would not want to be put on life support if there was not much of a life to support.

The other movie I watched was Up In The Air with George Clooney, directed by Jason Reitman who is, yes, the son of Ivan Reitman. I really liked two of his other movies, Juno and Thank You For Smoking and this one was pretty good too. The premise of the movie involves Clooney flying all around the country to fire people. It really got me in the mood to travel a lot, I know this sounds weird but I really love staying in hotels and meeting strangers in different cities and places. The hotel bar is one of the more interesting places to meet people and although I’m terrified of flying, airports are one of the more interesting places to people watch; I could easily spend hours there just watching people. Wow that sounds creepy. Well, not like Dr Kevorkian creepy, but creepy nonetheless.

That’s all for now people.

There was a very interesting article in Sports Illustrated this week about Welsh rugby player Gareth Thomas. Right about now, you might be asking yourself two things, “why the hell would SI do a piece about a Welsh rugby player?” or “what could be so damn interesting about a Welsh rugby player, after all I’m an American and don’t give a shit about rugby?” Well, I’ll tell you why. Because Gareth Thomas is the only openly gay male athlete in the entire world.

Now I don’t think I need to tell you just how significant this is. To borrow a quote from Vice President Jackass Biden, “its a pretty big fucking deal.” The article goes into detail about his anguish and pain of having to remain in the closet for so many years. Also, you get to see just how damn masculine the guy is and how he is really just like all the other players. Furthermore, you get a pretty good understanding of how athletes in other countries are fucking crazy, geez, the shit they do when they aren’t playing and the shit they do when playing makes the NFL look like a bunch of pussies.

I’m not one to whine much about being in the closet at work because after all, it is my own choice. Its also fairly simple and not like sports; let’s face it sports are not the real world. In this day and age in a company, homophobia and bigotry are not only unacceptable, but for the most part, there is a zero tolerance when it comes to stuff like that. In sports though, homophobia is not only rampant, but also accepted. I guess in this case, those of us who don’t play sports professionally have it easier.

Gareth Thomas though is a genuine, legitimate gay hero. Shit, I’m still too much of a pussy to come out at work and I don’t work in an high testosterone environment in which males shower together and anti gay sentiment is the norm. Although on a small level, I think every gay person can relate to him, however his burden was no doubt a lot heavier than many of ours. If you get a chance, you should check the article out, it was very interesting and well written.

And if you are super mega bored, you can go back and find a post I wrote several years back about how there are a ton of similarities between homosexuals and sports. I tried to find the damn post myself to copy and paste it but couldn’t find it, after all I’ve written upwards of around 2000 posts over the course of nearly 6 years so you could imagine that it could be hard to find. That’s why I want you to find it for me!