July 12, 2010

• Sports ‘N Stuff………Actually Just Sports

  Like the rest of America, I don’t give a shit about football or as Americans call it, soccer. I couldn’t wait for the World Cup to end so that ESPN could stop force feeding us coverage. I did, however, read an interesting little tidbit in Sports Illustrated over the weekend that cracked me up. Colombian authorities seized a 24 pound replica of the World Cup trophy. Now I’m sure you are wondering why they would seize a replica of the World Cup. Or perhaps you don’t give a shit. But, check this shit out. The replica was painted gold with green stripes on the base and was mixed with, you guessed it, acetone or gasoline to make it moldable. No, that wasn’t enough of a reason for it to be seized. The main component of the replica was, are you ready for this? Cocaine! Apparently the Colombians have such an excess of cocaine that they can use 24 pounds of it to make a replica of the World Cup trophy. And whoever made it is such a big soccer fan and has so much fucking money that they can waste it on a fucking replica trophy. What next, a replica of the World Series trophy made entirely out of steroids? Americans have long been criticized for putting too much emphasis on sports, but these soccer fans are crazy and go way overboard with their creepy soccer obsession. Riots after games? Killing players because they miss a goal? Making a replica soccer trophy out of your country’s biggest export? Yeah, they are a lot worse than us.

  Which brings me to He Who Should Not Be Named, or HWSNBN for short. HWSNBN is a egotistical, narcissistic, self centered, self involved athlete who needed an hour long special to yammer on about how great he was just to tell the world that he will be playing in Miami for the next 6 years. I guess I should do it totally like him and say that HWSNBN told the world that HWSNBN would be taking HWSNBN’S talents to South Beach next year. Now being a big Chicago Bulls fan, I was a little disappointed, but certainly not nearly as upset as the Cleveland Cavaliers owner or the rest of the state of Ohio. I’ve been saying for years that HWSNBN is………….wait, I should do it in the same manner as HWSNBN. I’ve been quoted as saying that HWSNBN is extremely self centered and self involved but even he managed to prove that he is a lot more narcissistic than anybody thought possible.

  A couple of years ago I went through a phase where I would occasionally make fun of Pat Robertson because of the unintentionally funny shit he is always saying. And while we can never run out of shit that Robertson has said, even people on the left are insane as well. Case in point, Robertson’s black, liberal counterpart Jesse Jackson (or Black Robertson as I’m gonna start calling him) is making a case to say shit that is just as crazy as Robertson. After the Cavs owner eviscerated HWSNBN in open letter to fans, Jackson had this to say:

  “He speaks as an owner of HWSNBN and not the owner of the Cleveland Cavaliers,” the reverend said in a release from his Chicago-based civil rights group, the Rainbow PUSH Coalition. “His feelings of betrayal personify a slave master mentality. He sees HWSNBN as a runaway slave. This is an owner employee relationship — between business partners — and HWSNBN honored his contract.”

  Yeah, uh-huh, slave mentality, sure Jesse. I’d say he was talking out of his ass when he said this, but its kind of hard for somebody to talk out of their ass when they have their head shoved so far up it. Maybe the owner was just a little bit upset because he and the city of Cleveland fawned over Le………..I mean, HWSNBN, and the entire city was so in love with HWSNBN that they played quite the fool in trying to lure him to stay with the team, isn’t it possible that maybe the owner was so embarrassed by their behavior that he was like a jealous ex lover who’s knee jerk reaction was anger? Haven’t you ever noticed that the word embarrassed has the word ass right in it?

  Still, many cities went totally gaga trying to lure HWSNBN to their own town. It was ridiculous the lengths towns and teams were going to and the attention that was focused on it was to a level that was well over the top. I’d say that Americans focus too much on sports, but then I remember those crazy soccer fans. Now if only Cleveland had made a life sized replica of HWSNBN out of cocaine maybe he would have stayed.

  • 11:04 pm
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