Well I’m just fucking devastated. Turns out that for the 81st year in a row, I was not named the Sexiest Man Alive by people magazine. Now in defense of the magazine, I was not alive for many of those 81 years so I can let them off the hook until at least within about 3 or 4 years of my  birth. But why I have failed to win since then I can not possibly understand. This year I even sent them some porn of me and it still didn’t make a difference. I’m sorry but if my 3 and 1/4th inch erect penis doesn’t do it for them than I don’t know what will. All I’m saying is that there is no excuse for me not winning. Maybe I need to start my campaign earlier, you know, kinda like how the presidential election starts earlier and earlier.

I KNOW!!! I’VE GOT IT!! I’m gonna run for Sexiest Man Dead! After all, I’m quite certain I would have the upper leg over such dead hunks as Heath Ledger, James Dean and Eleanor Roosevelt. I figure if I start my campaign now than I would have a great chance at winning by the time it is awarded next year. See, that Sexiest Man Alive thing is just all sorts of  bullshit anyway, I mean who the hell are the judges anyway, a bunch of nuns? I figure that to become the Sexiest Man Dead all I would need to do………………oh. Shit. Wait. Uhhhh, I’m being told that the biggest requirement to being the Sexiest Man Dead is to actually be dead. Well fuck, I don’t want to die!

Wait. What’s that? I’m being told that there is not even an award for Sexiest Man Dead. Well fuck me, I give up!