About a year ago I noticed three warts on my right ring finger. So I bought some shit to try to have them removed but it was a fruitless endeavor. I told myself that if they did not go away by the end of the year, I would have my doctor send me to a dermatologist to have them professionally removed. Well, that appointment wound up being today.

I arrived not only prompt, but as usual, early. Actually, 15 minutes early to be exact as there was paperwork to fill out and the nurses wanted to have sex with me. So after that was all done, I sat and waited in the waiting room until 15 minutes after the appointment was to start. Finally I was called back and put into a smaller room where the nurse asked me a couple of questions before feeling me up. She told me they would take care of this and left.

Five whole minutes later the doctor shows up. He was a little creepy looking, he reminded me Mr. Freeze. He was tall, thin, and mostly bald. He told me that they would freeze the fuck out of the warts with this container of some really fucking cold shit and it would hurt a little bit. I instantly started to cry; sob uncontrollably really, after all, nobody told me there was going to be pain. So he starts to spray the shit out of my finger and it gets so cold that it breaks off. Now its on the floor and my penis sees this, so it gets scared and frozen and it falls off. The nurse, she passes the fuck out and the doctor he just stands there with a cryptic look on his face, cackling a horror like laugh like the evil genius he is!

So I look down at my penis. Poor lil’ guy, all scared down there wondering what the hell happened. I mean, you have to feel sorry for the cock, here he is only an inch and a half at best and now he is missing from the rest of the body, useless as the day is long while searching for the finger. I can’t blame him, I mean what is life without another finger to help bring out your best.

Now the nurse, she comes to and by this time all pandemonium has broken loose. The tornado sirens are going off because that is the way whenever a penis goes missing. There is an emergency evacuation of the hospital that the office is connected to because they are afraid that the crazy doctor is going to go ape shit and start freezing off everybody’s dicks, even if they are girls and have chick dicks. Meanwhile, all of the television and radio stations have gone dark because of the panic in the doctors room.

The doctor than tells me that the warts will blister up and eventually fall off and sends me on my way. Later on at work, I’m walking and the blister bursts open like a fire hose, killing three people and blinding 45 more. Once again all hell breaks loose, capped off by the vending machine guy who uses his super human vending machine strength to throw the vending machine at me.

All this for three warts.

Damnit. That reminds me, I forgot to stop off on the way home from work to pick up my penis. Meh…………..I’ll just have them overnight it to me. No, that might cost too much. They can just send it normal mail.

I had a busy weekend that I will try to briefly summarize here in this post. Friday night I headed into Chicago for dinner with a friend. We wound up eating at Chicago’s legendary restaurant The Italian Village. Actually, I have no idea if it is legendary at all. But, it has been around for a long as fucking time so maybe it is legendary. Either way it was some good Chinese food. What, you assumed it was Italian food just because it is called The Italian Village? Well that is certainly presumptuous of you.

After dinner we walked something like 300 blocks over to the Dave and Buster’s. Did you know that neither Dave and Buster were actually there that night? Turns out they were off getting gay married in Paris. Well fuck them anyway!

On the way home I got talked (or should I say texted into, since it was via text) stopping off at my brother’s house to hang out with my brothers and my two best friends. We did some shit and yadda, yadda, yadda, I was tired in the morning.

Last night was one of those nights in which I had to be in two places at once. So, I invested $152,362.78 in a clone of myself to attend both events. Well, the clone got to my house and right away I could see it was defective. First of all, he instantly tried to kill me. Next, I noticed that he was Japanese and wasn’t wearing clothes. Finally, I realized he wasn’t real. Somebody is going to have to answer for this fucking shit; the good people at clonemyjunk.com are going to get the nastiest fucking letter from my fake lawyers.

So what did I have to do you ask? Well, first I had a card game to go that started at 7 in the pm and a going away party that started an hour later. Fortunately, they were kind of close to each other, so if I lost in the card game quick enough, I could easily do both. Well, it turns out that while I suck at cards, I’m not bad enough to be at the party by the time it started but not good enough to finish in the money. Instead I finished 4th, which made the whole thing fruitless since only the top 3 get paid out.

I was able to make it to the party by around 10:15. There were still plenty of people there and honestly, I didn’t miss much, especially since I didn’t even get home until shortly after 4am. All in all a pretty good time though.

And of course, tonight is the Oscars, which I watched a grand total of 0 minutes. How do I know I didn’t watch the Oscars if they haven’t even aired yet? Because awards shows fucking suck ass so why would I waste my time with them. Oh sure, I’ve got a little interest in who wins Best Picture, but that is only because I someday dream of making a really bad movie that wins Worst Picture at the Bizzaro Oscars.

So what was my weekend update, how about yours?

As you know from my post last week, today was the day that I gave up my cell phone for a day. No phone calls, no texts, no email, no using the vibration from the phone to masterbate. Why give it up you ask? Meh…………why not. So, how did it go you ask? Or perhaps you didn’t ask that at all, honestly I really don’t know. But, I’m going to tell you anyway!

I forgot to turn the phone off at about nine in the evening last night as I planned. I remembered right around 9:15 and off it went. And off it has remained, my plan is to turn it back on in about a half hour or right around 9:30. So what has gone on inn between, well, that is another story that of course I will tell.

If there is one thing I’ve learned it is that I’m a lot more addicted to the damn thing than I ever realized. When I woke up it was a little weird not to look at the phone to check the temp outside. Normally I turn it off before I leave for work in the morning and only turn it on during my breaks and lunch because I can not trust myself to keep my damn hands off of it while I should be working. That’s right people, my cell phone is kinda like my penis, always on and I can never stop touching it.

Have to go now, something came up.

Okay, wow. This has been a totally fucked up day. Looks like I totally picked the wrong day to give up my cell phone. Just got an urgent phone call on my home phone that I can not get into. Let me just say that my friend had a bit of a crisis and was in tears when I picked up the phone. Geez, if only my cell phone was on…………..

But, I digress. Work was tough. This might sound pathetic, but everyday I look forward to my breaks and lunch because I can’t wait to see if I got an texts or emails. I did not have that to look forward to today. During my breaks and lunch I found myself antsy and fidgety; even more so than I normally am. I still got the phantom vibrations though. You know what those are, right? It is where you feel a fake vibration in your pants where your cell phone is. I have that on normal days. Today, I had it even without the phone being on. How sad is that?

When I got off work, I was tempted to reach in my pocket and turn it on but resisted. Then as soon as I got home, I was hit with some bad news. And of course, a short while ago while writing this post, I get the phone call from my friend. It all adds up to a fucked up day.

Let’s do it again! Seriously, I want to do it again but for a longer period of time. Maybe I will do it again in a year for two days. All I know is that I’m way more addicted to this thing than I ever thought I would become.

Holy crap, can you believe another President’s Day has come and gone? Are you like me? Were you raised with President’s Day as the year’s biggest holiday? Did you put up your President’s Day tree in early January and go door to door singing President’s Day carols? Did you set off President’s Day fireworks at the stroke of midnight to show people you’re enthusiasm for President’s Day? Did your mom keep you up all night enthralling you with stories and lore of presidents past? Did you get a stomach ache from eating all of that President’s Day candy? Ohhhh, President’s Day, it is truly the best holiday of the year!

A lot of people don’t know a lot of facts about Presidents. So here are some tidbits you probably didn’t know:

• Millard Fillmore is the only president to have Lil’ Wayne on his IPOD
• After leaving the presidency, Jimmy Carter wrestled under the name the Georgia Peach for the Gorgeous Ladies Of Wrestling.
• George Washington was a virgin. Then again, it all depends on if you consider anal sex as actual sex.
• Rutherford B Hayes once lost an entire raccoon in his beard.
• Gerald Ford bought his first car at the Harrison Ford in Dearborn, Michigan.
• Franklin Roosevelt and his distance cousin Theodore Roosevelt once got into a physical altercation over who would get to date one of their cousins. When FDR lost, he was stuck with Eleanor Roosevelt.
• Zachery Tyler once tried out for the band Hanson.
• John Taylor used leaves a toilet paper.

So there, now you know a little bit more about our presidents! I hope you have as many amazing memories of President’s Day as I do!

I didn’t have much to do this weekend. And by much I mean nothing. And by nothing, I mean everything. A good friend of mine was celebrating a birthday on Saturday so she wanted to go out to breakfast with a group of people to Flat Top Grill. For those of you not familiar with Flat Top, it is one of those places in which the owners and staff are really lazy so they have you choose what ingredients you want in your meal and they cook it for you, that way if it turns out bad than you have nobody to blame but yourself. Now, you may hear rumors all over the world wide interwebs that I may have humped the leg of our waitress while waiting for our food, but I’m not going to admit or deny if that is true. Just keep in mind she seemed to have a calf the size of the leg of a pool table.

After breakfast I went shopping with myself and managed to “shop” all over the fitting room. Ohhhhh, it was WONDERFUL!! I may have even gotten a deal or two out of the whole thing, but yadda, yadda, yadda, my public indecency trial starts in the fall.

Last night I had a chance to do something I haven’t been able to do in years: watch the NBA All Star Saturday Night. You might not know this, but due to a recent rule change, the NBA has switched from basketballs to bowling balls this season. This has made for painfully funny hilarity when it comes to the chest pass and ally oops. Oh, and players are now jumping over cars if they want to slam dunk.

Couldn’t stay up too late last night, as I had to set the alarm for 4:30 A.M. for some good old fashioned Sunday morning family fun. Looking for something fun to do? Well, let me tell you, if you want to have the best time of your life, this is what you do. You start with a six pack of malt liquor. Then you set the alarm for 4:30 on a Sunday morning. Next you go outside wearing nothing but one strategically placed sock. You go to all your neighbor’s houses, wake them up and invite them over to watch you pay your bills while naked and drinking malt liquor. See, this is what I do every month when it’s check writin’ time! Oh, the fun we have. It is my way of giving back to my neighbors and the community after taking so much all these years. People love it though. Let me tell you something, you have not lived until you have seen me drunk and naked paying bills!

So, how was your weekend?

You might remember from my February 8, 2011 post that I’m planning on giving up my cell phone for a day. I also asked people to do it with me. I know you are probably frightened with panic that you might have missed the day but I want to let you know that rest assured, you can still join me. That is because, due to the overwhelming response of zero people, I’ve decided to give up my cell phone on Tuesday, February 22.

Just how exciting is that, huh? Please try to contain yourself. I know you have probably been sleepless for the past week waiting in excited anticipation when I would announce the day. Fortunately now you know so you can get on with your life, except for Tuesday when you will probably be giddy with excitement at the post I will write to summarize my crazy cell phone free day.

Gee, can you tell I had nothing to post about, this damn post blows!

I haven’t had a chance to post pictures of my New York trip yet, the main reason being because like a moron, I forgot my camera at home. Fortunately though my good friends who went on the trip with me brought their cameras so here are some pics courtesy of my friend Kristine.

There is our view of Times Square from the corner of………shit, I don’t remember. But, if you look closely, you can see the world famous ball that drops.

Can you guess how many seconds we had to go until 2011? If you guessed 69 seconds then you are either really really  horny or a total and complete dumbass.

Here you have Lady Liberty shortly before the Republicans had her deported back to France. I bet they would have let her stay if she were white.

I was told this was a really good picture of me. Could it be my new profile pic?

That is the Naked Cowboy with my friend Kristine. He isn’t totally naked though………..he is wearing a guitar!

Ohhh, the American Idiot musical was amazing, especially if you are a Green Day fan.

We ran into Mikhail Gorbachev. I’ve always wanted to try to scrub that damn thing off his head. Turns out, he will stand there while you try!

I kissed a manly girl and I liked it; the taste of her wax lips!

I’m sooooo doing that the next time I’m in the Oval Office!

You’d be surprised……………turns she can really use a trim in the carpet region if you know what I mean.

I swear he was hung like a fucking moose!

So those are my pics for now. I know the trip was more than a month and a half ago, but better late then even later, right?

Well this is it people. I have found a way to bring people together. And not just a small number of people, but actually a whole shitload of people. Rich, poor, old, young, black, white, Hispanic, Asian, gay, straight, Muslim, Jew, criminals, Republicans, Democrats, pretty much everybody but teen and preteen girls. Shit, did I leave anybody out? It doesn’t matter. Everybody who reads this is going to agree: we must make Justin Bieber go away.

I’ve realized he is everyfuckingwhere! Early last week he was on Letterman. Than on Thursday he dropped in on The Daily Show, not as an interview guest but in a little sketch at the start of the show with Jon Stewart. Friday night he shows up on Letterman again to do the Top 10 List. They go to commercial. They come back and there the little fucker is playing the god damn drums. Saturday night he all of a sudden shows up on Saturday Night Live during the Church Lady skit. Think that was enough? Nope, all of a sudden he is in another skit that spoofed the movie The Roommate. Okay, so obviously he was in New York City all last week. Finally Sunday rolls around and I think there is no way he would be in Dallas at the Super Bowl. And I had not heard about him being in any Super Bowl commercials so finally we are in a Bieber Free Zone. Nope, guess the fuck again. Just when I thought we made it the entire night without seeing the little shit all of a sudden he pops the fuck up in a commercial with Ozzy Osbourne. Excuse me Ozzy, but that’s not very Prince of Darkness of you.

Now I know he has a movie that he is pushing, but there is still a little bit of Justin overkill here. And it’s not even that he is a bad kid. He does seem nice enough. And it’s not like he isn’t talented. He does have a great voice and certainly he played the fuck out of the drums. And of course, he is dreamy; he might be only 16, but that doesn’t mean he can’t be hot. He also seems gay. As hell. But, his music REAAAAAAALLLLLY SUCKS. Bad. Really bad. And he is totally fucking stupid. Like, Jessica Simpson stupid. Like Brittney Spears fucking stupid. Oh sure, like every other teenager he overuses the word like. But, it is more than that. During his interview with Letterman, he came off as a complete airhead. It’s almost like the hair has been done so many times that it sunk into his brain and make him a colossal fucking flake. Look, I know he is only 16, but I have seen other young stars who don’t seem nearly as dumb.

I think even little girls are growing weary of him. I’ve some friends who’s 11 year daughter loves his cd but does not like him at all. Like every other teen heartthrob, it’s only a matter of time before his time passes. Soon his career will turn to total shit and he will wind up in rehab before finally coming out of the closet at 30 something so that he can finally get more attention. If you ask me, his time being up can not come fast e-fuckingnough!

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go stare at pictures of Justin Bieber that I bought.

I’ve come to realize that people are addicted to their lungs, hearts, and chestal cavities. And by people I mean me. And by lungs, hearts, and chestal cavities I mean cell phones. See, it hasn’t always been this way. I didn’t get my very first cell phone until October 2006, which was well past the time most people got their first cell phones. And I got my second and current cell phone complete with a flip keypad in November of 2009. When I first got my cell phone, I had a plan that gave me 300 texts a month. I thought that was a lot and most months didn’t even exceed 300 texts. About a year or so into it I found out that I could change to a plan that had unlimited texts and it would not cost me a damn thing more. So I switched plans. Now I find it impossible to NOT to need at least 700 texts a month. And my current plan has the world wide internets on my phone, so I’ve got instant access to email, weather, news, porn and all sorts of shit. Shit, because of my cell phone I barely have to even get out of bed in the morning.

I’ve realized though that I’m addicted to the cell phone. Last week I punched an old lady in the face because she looked at me while I was using it. Oh sure, I was sending a text as I was urinating on her lawn, but that is no excuse to look at me while I text! And unless the phone is off while I’m working, I never go longer than a few minutes without doing something with my phone such as texting, looking at the weather, looking at email, looking at news stories or just seeing how much of the phone I can fit in my mouth. It is actually pathetic. When I bought the damn thing I swore I would never become one of those people who could not live without a cell phone or who just HAD to constantly have the cell phone within an arm’s reach. Well, lo and behold, here we are, the very definition of what I despised.

Until now. I’ve decided that I’m going to attempt to go at least one day without using my cell phone. And I don’t mean a work day. I mean an honest 24 hours, turn it off at night somewhere around 10 in the pm and not turn it on again until 10 the next night. I will still carry it with me, after all, I’ve got a 10 year old car and breaking down in weather this cold is what can lead one to lose a pinky toe. If I do need to use it for an emergency on the day in question, I will end the challenge right there and start it all over fresh another day. I know one day is certainly not a lot of time, but when you look at it every 5 minutes, that is a big deal.

You might be wondering why I don’t just not use it instead of turning it off, but the truth is, I can’t be trusted. If I turn the damn thing on, than I’m going to pick it up and use it in some manner. So off it will stay for at least a full 24 hours.

I still have not yet determined when I will attempt this rather stupid stunt, but I’m thinking one day next week or the week after.  And I welcome and encourage anybody to join me in this so called challenge. After all, as addicted as I am to my cell phone, I know there are people who are far worse off than me, which is reeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaallllly pathetic. So I will keep you all posted on what day I do it should I mange to get anybody joining me.

Let me start off by saying that yesterday I went back and looked at the Sports Illustrated NFL Preview Issue from September of 2010. I always save the preview issues of each sport to see how their prediction worked out. Well, before the season they had the Steelers beating the Packers in the Super Bowl 33-27. And while ultimately they were wrong, you can’t help but be impressed with how close they actually came. I mean, they made this prediction before the season started.

Were you like me during the final drive of the game with the Steelers trying to come back and win the game, were you torn and conflicted as to who you wanted to win? Here we had the Green Bay Packers, longtime, hated, bitter rival of the Chicago Bears versus Ben Roethlisberger, long time, hated, bitter rival of consensual sex.

I know a lot of people are talking today about Christina Aguilera’s version of the Star Spangled Banner, but I was too busy losing at cards to pay too much attention to it.

I love the Black Eyed Peas, so I was really excited to see them play the halftime show. I thought it was visually amazing, but the performance itself was kinda…………rushed and chaotic. Actually, come to think of it, it seems like all Super Bowl halftime shows are rushed and chaotic. Not that they were bad, just……….I don’t know. I though those people with boxes on their heads were odd. Seriously, what the fuck was going on there?

So did you hear the NFL sold 4,000 tickets at $200 a piece for people to sit outside the stadium and watch the game on jumbo trons? The only difference is that they had the cheerleaders outside to entertain them while the people on the inside of the stadium had the Super Bowl to entertain them.

Still, I didn’t quite get it. I mean these people paid money to do what they could have done at home: watch it on t.v. Of course, they did have the cheerleaders, but it’s not like they had a good view of the cheerleaders. Also, it’s not like the cheerleaders were giving them lap dances. And furthermore, Ben Roethlisberger was not far away so it’s not like the cheerleaders were scantly clad either. I guess it really didn’t matter though, he still whipped his Roethlisberger out to try to get them to fuck him.