April 12, 2011
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Did You Say……
I don’t think I have ever shared this story here on Xanga and to be honest, I’m surprised because it is a really good one. At least when it comes to stories about my mom. Now I should give some background info on my mother. My mother was a………….er…………uhhhh, a unique lady to say the least. And I use the word lady in the loosest sense. My best friend once told me that my mom was “unlady like.” I think that was a nice way of putting it.
See, my mom was much older than me, which I know is the case for most people’s mothers but in my case, she was 41 years older then me as she was born in 1934. Because my dad died when I was four, she was often very fond of saying that she had been both mother and father to us kids. My mom was always more man than I could ever be and more male than I could ever have. I think her penis was bigger than mine. And she had hairier armpits.
My mom was a gruff, blunt, tactless, and obnoxious lady with a mouth like a fucking trucker and very little shame. So this made her a natural to run her own in home daycare. I always said when people took their kids to my mom she always taught them French as a second language! My mom was certainly not shy about using any type of offensive language around any children, yet like a good Catholic lady she always made us cover our eyes if there was a pair of tits being shown on t.v. Go figure.
My mom also had a very short fuse. She could go from zero to really fucking screaming in a manner of seconds. It was actually amazing to watch and quite scary, shit even adults were scared of her when they saw this transformation take place. Honestly, she probably could have been a character right out of Saturday Night Live.
About 20 years ago she was babysitting a bunch of kids, one of which was the type that would cry at a drop of a sandwich. Literally. She was a sweet girl, but very sensitive. She was probably about 6 or 7 when the incident I’m about to describe happened. Now I should clarify, this story has gone down in lore amongst my friends and I have told it countless times throughout the years, but I have never written the story and it is certainly not going to come off nearly as funny as my telling it in person. But, here goes.
I was in high school at the time of this story probably about 15 or 16. All of the kids were playing around when the aforementioned girl told one of the other kids to “Come here, bucko.” Only my mother didn’t hear bucko. That’s right, being trained to astutely pick up any word and automatically convert it to a curse word, my mother heard “fucko.” That’s right, fucko, because after all, most 6 year olds are totally familiar with the word fucko. So this is how the conversation went, keeping in my mind that my mother was yelling the entire time and the little girl was crying the entire time:
Mom: “WHAT? WHAT DID YOU SAY NICKI? DID YOU SAY FUCKO? IS THAT WHAT YOU SAID, FUCKO?”
Frightened little girl: “NOOOOO, NOOOO!”
Me(laughing I might add): “No mom, she said……”
Mom (pointing at me): “SHUT UP! SHUT UP!” Now looking back at the girl “DID YOU SAY FUCKO? DID YOU? DID YOU SAY FUCKO NICKI, IS THAT WHAT YOU SAID, FUCKO?”
Crying and nearly pissing herself with fear little girl: “NOOOOO, NO I didn’t.”
Me: “no, mom, she said bucko.”
Little girl so scared she can barely even admit to speaking: “no, no I didn’t” She was so scared that she didn’t even want to admit to saying bucko!
Now I realize that this whole story sounds horrible and awful and maybe you just had to be there or had to know my mom. Certainly my mom did not handle this proper in any stretch of the imagination, in fact, I would not defend her at all with regards to this. But, we have always found this to be a very funny story because, honestly, what type of adult reacts this way to a kid? And where the hell did she come up with fucko? Seriously, fucko?
