Do any of you fuckers realize that the year is halfway over? Then again, I’m sure you all realize that, I mean it will be July in a day and a half. I always look at the Fourth of July as the perfect halftime to the year. It is kind of like the Super Bowl halftime show; lots of nationwide performances along with fireworks and general excitement. And if the weather is bad, than it is disappointing just like the Super Bowl halftime show as well. And who knows, maybe I will have a wardrobe malfunction on the Fourth.

What I find funny though is that there seems to be a gradual build up to the Fourth of July. It seems like every year about a week or so before the Fourth, people start randomly lighting off fireworks. I just heard a loud one a few minutes ago which reminded me to write this paragraph. See, I don’t know what possesses people to just randomly light off fireworks a week before the holiday. You would figure they would want to save their illegal fireworks for the Fourth, but I guess they want to try them out to make sure they work and do a dry run so they know how to react when they blow their hand right the fuck off. You know, kind of like a fire drill, only this would be a “oh shit, I blew the fuck out of my hand with this firework” drill.

But back to the year. Now I don’t want to brag, but so far, it has been a very good year for me. I started off the year in Times Square and since my trip to New York I have taken three other trips. The first of those trips was a trip I won to see the Cubs play the Dodgers in Los Angeles. The second trip was a weekend trip to Milwaukee. The last and most recent trip was to Key West just a couple of weeks ago. So far I’ve got one more trip planned for the year and that is camping for a weekend in Wisconsin.

I’m looking forward to the rest of the year; it should be fun.

I didn’t get a chance to comment on this because I was on vacation, but better late then never. Unless of course you are Lebron James. In that case, hopefully better never than ever. My plane just landed in Orlando when I found out that the Dallas Mavericks had beaten the Miami Heat in the NBA Finals. This made me so happy I could have shit and jizzed at the same time. See, I hate Lebron James and the Miami Heat. And I’m well aware that just by posting about them, I’m giving them more attention than they deserve. But, see, I just hate them that much. They are so fucking arrogant and have a sense of entitlement about them. Fortunately for them they didn’t need to win the championship because they had a championship party last summer when Chris Bosh, Dwayne Wade and James signed with the Heat. Mind you, this was before they even played a game together.

Then throughout the season, they had the smug attitude that they not only had already won the title, but that they were entitled to automatically win it. Even during the NBA Finals while they were down in the series, James and Dwayne Wade mocked the Mavs Dirk Nowitzki by pretending to be sick on the way out to the court (Nowitzki had been sick during an earlier game in the series). The Heat never won another game after that.

Scottie Pippen recently caused quite a stir when he said that Lebron James was better than Michael Jordan. I have to say I agree with Pippen. I mean, James is clearly the best ever. Shit, back in Jordan’s day, they played four quarters, nowadays James is so great that he doesn’t even have to show up for the fourth quarter.

Now I know James has a seven year contract with Miami, but if by some miracle he never won a championship in Miami I would be so  happy that I would indeed have an erection lasting longer then four hours. Normally I don’t like to take joy in the misfortunes of others, but he is such a self centered, narcissistic, self involved, pompous ass that he got exactly what he and his team deserved. Plus, it’s not like it’s actual misfortune, I mean he still played in the NBA Finals, is probably the best player in the world and has more money than anybody knows what to do with. Doesn’t sound like misfortune to me.

A couple of months ago my best friend got engaged. Since then,he and his fiance have spent a lot of time planning the wedding and all that jazz. They decided on May 4 of next year in Jamaica. Well Thursday night he asked me to be his co best man along with another very good friend of ours. Now I’m not taking anything for granted, but I’d be lying if I said that I wasn’t expecting it, after all, we have been friends for damn near 20 years and he has told me previously that I’m the best friend he has ever had. So, naturally, I wasn’t shocked. But, that doesn’t mean I wasn’t excited to be asked. And the fact that our other friend is going to be a co best man makes it even better. See, the three of us are three peas in a pod; I like to say that we are Crosby, Stills, and Nash and when another friend of us joins us we are like Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young. Okay, so that is probably a reference that nobody who reads this will get. I just think it is so damn fucking cool that the two of us get to be such a big part of a momentous event in his life. In a way, the three of us have one of those legendary friendships in which everybody mentions the three of us almost like we are one. Still, it is pretty damn special not only to share it with our one friend, but the mere fact that he asked me is special in it’s own way.

As one might imagine, a friendship can go through a lot over the course of several decades and ours is no different. He was there when my mom was dying for cancer. When we had to fly my sister and her two kids out from Denver so that they could see her one last time, he paid with no questions asked.  When she was sick he even sat with her for a day and bought her dinner because we were all gone. While she was dying, he was at the hospital with us as often as we were, in spite of the fact that he had to study for law school finals. The night my mom died he spent the night at our house and stood up with me until I fell asleep. The next morning he made the family breakfast. He made the toughest time of our lives easier and better just by being there. We are forever in debt to him.

I can go on with other stories of things he has done for me but none more then the unwavering support he gave me when he became the first person I came out to. I’ve never been totally comfortable with my homosexuality but when I was 19 I had to tell somebody. We had become pretty good friends so I told him. Not only did he reassure me that everything would be the same, he never told a single person my secret for 10 years. As if that wasn’t enough, he pretty much lied to every person in his life when they asked him if I was gay. Even his family. One could not have a more loyal and better friend. I’ve always said he is the best person I know.

The more and more I think about it, the more I realize just how damn special our friendship is. He has asked a gay man to stand up in his wedding. Honestly, how often does that actually happen? Straight guys and gay guys might be friends, they might even be close friends, but to be best friends as close as this, well, that is just far and few between. If more gay guys and straight guys had the type of friendship that we have, well, there would be a hell of a lot less gay bigotry in the world.

Over all I had a pretty good weekend after a pretty tough work week. It started with big news on Thursday which I will save for another post. Friday night I played poker. I have had a really bad run of poker for, oh, I dunno, something like the last two years. I guess in the grand scheme of things it’s not nearly as bad as the bad run the Cubs have had for the past 103 years, but still I have not won a game in quite some time. Honestly, I’m not even sure if it has been two years since I last won a game. All I know is that it’s been a long time and the past few months I have played very poorly. I was getting sick of losing when finally, Friday  night, I broke through and had a really good night, winning a game that had 12 or 13 people. So, yay me.

Today was our annual trip to the Taste of Chicago. For those of you not from the area, the Taste of Chicago is every fat American’s wet dream. It is basically a 10 day food festival in and around Chicago’s Grant Park. My friends and I have been going for something like the last 15 years or so. Or maybe it’s close to 12 or 13 years. I dunno, either way it’s been a long ass time. The fest features a wide array of the best of what Chicago has to offer, at least food wise. So you can see how somebody like me, who LOVES food, would be all over such a fest. My friend Dave says it is his favorite day of the year and always says that he is in training year round for this day.

We got to the Taste about as early as we ever this year, arriving before noon. In the past few months, I have had quite the appetite; I seem to be hungry damn near constantly due to me working out a lot. I skipped breakfast this morning knowing that I would be pigging out for the better part of 3-4 hours. Even though I had not eaten anything since dinner the night before, I was not totally starving as I thought I would be, but I was hungry. But, that being said, we seemed to come out of the gate sprinting. Most years we take a little bit of time to get going before stuffing the fuck out of ourselves, but today was different. I went right up and started eating the first few things I could get my hands on.

We ate such a wide range of food; it was almost like the United Nations of food. We had African, Mexican, Italian, Polish, Irish, Cajun, American, among others and still did not even have some of the other styles of food like Chinese, Indian, or Vietnamese, yet it was all there should we want it. I spent my tickets so fast that it wasn’t long before I had to buy more. I think I ate more this year that I had in a few years. Although I left being full, I was not so totally stuffed that I was uncomfortable, in fact I could have eaten more had we the time. But, I drank two bottles of water on the way home and that left me feeling uncomfortably full. Still, it was a great year; the weather was perfect.

As I evidenced in my previous three posts, I was in Key West last week. Before I move onto the Friday portion of the trip, there was one VERY BIG thing I forgot about from Thursday night. My friend and I went to the naked bar for a little bit. I should clarify; there was this building that had three bars in one. The first floor was the Bull and they featured people playing music. The second floor was the Whistle and they were your typical bar with pool tables. The third floor which was located on the roof was called the Garden of Eden and it was a naked night club. Well, I should clarify some more. It was a clothing optional nightclub. While most people wore clothes, there were several that decided to forgo clothes altogether. I went to this bar repeatedly throughout the week mainly because, hey, I’m a voyeur and like to see hot guys naked. So Thursday night we go up there and there were a couple of topless girls and some guys shirtless. There was one guy probably in his late 40s who was totally naked. He was half man,  half elephant. I say that because his entire body was human except that he had an elephant’s trunk for a fucking cock. Even my friend said it was the biggest cock she ever saw. It was not only long but it was really fucking thick and rested right above a massive sack of balls. And he stood there, confident as hell while everybody else, including other guys quickly stole glances as their jaws dropped with amazement.

The naked bar was cool though but probably had too many people who you would rather not see naked wearing nothing. At one point I walked up there and saw this lady who was probably about 60 laying on a lawn chair completely naked. She was kinda chunky and had sagging tits but, get this, a “smooth landing” if you know what I mean.

So now onto Friday. The plan was to relax around the pool for most of the day. I grabbed some breakfast at the continental breakfast that the hotel offered. While there I ran into two girls who just graduated college. They were there with a gay friend and I made the comment they they were kinda like a younger version of us: two girls sharing a vacation and hotel room with a gay guy. I saw the girls later on at the pool (which was clothing optional, by the way) and talked to them for a few minutes more.

After spending a few hours at the pool, we went back to Duval street and grabbed some dinner at the famous Sloppy Joes bar and restaurant. Yes, I did get a sloppy Joe sandwich. The food was pretty damn good. They also had a duo playing funny songs, most of which were country and some of which were parodies of real songs. They were pretty damn entertaining and I could have spent the whole night there but we had other things to do, as it was our last night in Key West.

For the second night in a row, we watched the sunset on the roof of the Crowne Plazza, which is the highest point in Key West. This time though they had a guy up there playing acoustic music while the slowly worked it’s way down. In Key West, the sunset is a pretty big deal and it is easy to see why; it was really a thing of  beauty. After the sunset we went to a drag show at a different bar. This one really sucked though; in fact it was so bad that we even left early.

After that, the girls went back to the hotel leaving me once again, to bar hop alone. I didn’t mind though. One of the first places I went was a packed Irish bar that featured a guy playing acoustic music. He was great though and the crowd was really into it. I found myself right near the front of the stage singing along to many of the songs he was playing. Either I must have looked really good or this chick must have been hammered (or both, I know for a fact she was very drunk and I’d like to think I looked hot that night) because this really hot chick started dancing with me. She was even rubbing my chest a little. I danced with her to “The Joker” by the Steve Miller Band. Later on in the night I went back to that bar and saw her again and she was still drunk but looked kind of ragged; she was missing an earring, her hair was messed up and her shirt was out of place. I’ll assume she got laid. Could have been me…………..if I was straight.

I eventually found myself back at another gay bar late a night. I saw the adorably cute bartender from Aqua at this bar. While I was talking to another gay couple (who were from IL by the way) I gave him a wave. A few minutes later, I waved him over to me and he came over and we talked for a while. He is so hyper and adorable and happy and I have the most pathetic, biggest crush on him. I wish I had more time to get to know him or even a chance to hear from him again. Not that it matters. After all, he is 1,225 miles away, not exactly walking distance. When we left Key West the next day, I was kinda sad that I would never see him again.

I got back to the hotel about 3:30 or so. We had a late check out the next morning so I was able to go for a walk in the morning before we left. Our flight did not leave Fort Lauderdale until 8 in the PM so it gave us plenty of time to make that pretty and scenic drive across the Keys. On the flight home we saw something that was really cool: a lightening storm from above the clouds. It was amazing to follow it along the length of the storm from the height we were at. And it was kinda scary too. Still, it was really unique and something I won’t soon forget.

Overall it was a great trip. I can’t wait to go back to Key West some day. After all, I hope to see that adorable bartender again.

And now we continue with the stories of my trip to Key West. When we last left off, I got loaded going bar hopping by myself on Tuesday night. I woke up Wednesday morning surprisingly not hung over in the least. In fact, I felt fine. It wasn’t long before we found ourselves going up and down Duval street. For those of you that haven’t been, it is the main street in Key West in which everything worth doing is located. Every other building seemed to be a souvenir store next to a restaurant and or bar. And they all seemed to have shirts with funny sayings on them. We eventually made our way all the way down to the end and found ourselves on a beach. We were relaxing on some chairs for about 45 minutes before some guy came up to us and told us that it would cost $5 to rent the chairs. Turns out it was a beach for a local resort. It was fine though because we had our fill of sitting.

Now I can’t quite remember where we ate dinner on this night. Eventually though we made it all the way down to the west end of Duval street on the beach where there was a large gathering of people to watch the sunset. There seemed to be quite a few street performers playing music. We wound up in front of some guy who was playing some mellow music as we watched the sun drop into the ocean behind an island. It was nice.

Once again, by about 10 in the pm I found myself bar hopping alone at night while my friends went back to the hotel to go to bed. Although I went back to the same place I went to the night before, after that I walked over to a local gay bar and hung out there for a bit. Next I walked 10 or so blocks to a gay bathhouse. This was my first time in one. It was quiet and after one beer, I decided to head back to the hotel. I didn’t want to walk all the way back to Duval to hail a cab so I wound up walking the mile back to the hotel. Walking a mile in the heat is a real buzz and I was nearly fully sober by the time I got home.

Thursday I slept in while the girls went snorkeling. After they got back, we went to a really good seafood place that some friends of ours recommended called Hogfish. We got to eat outside on the pier right next to the ocean. It was a great atmosphere and we even got to throw our shrimp skins into the ocean for the other fish to eat when we were done.

Thursday night was interesting. I was wearing a shirt that those same friends who suggested Hogfish bought me when they were in Key West that read “Fuck you, you fucking fuck.” Such a shirt is right up my ally and totally my style. I can honestly say that nobody gave me any dirty looks or complained to me about my shirt. In fact, it was quite the opposite: I got a lot of compliments on it.

One of my friends wound up sick and went back to the hotel. My other friend and I went to the top of the highest point in Key West, the 6th floor of a hotel and watched a beautiful sunset. Next, we took in a drag show at a place called Aqua. It was there that I met this really adorable bartender who said “nice shirt” to which i quickly replied “nice face.” He was so hyper and cute with these big ears and I couldn’t take my eyes off of him. Every time I went up to get a beer I made sure to talk to him and flirt with him. He seemed very receptive to it as well which was good. There was also another cute guy there with a girl and another guy. I could not figure out if he was gay or not. As for the drag show, it was very funny and really good.

After the drag show my other friend headed back to the hotel at about 1 am. I went bar hopping to another gay bar and ran into the cute guy from Aqua. So I started talking to him. Turns out, he is in the British Royal Navy. And, he is gay. He went on to tell me that of the 250 person crew that was here in Key West, only two of them were gay. Yet, he was hanging out with a bunch of his straight friends from the crew and many of them were hanging out at the gay bars in town. I found this amazing; I don’t know of any straight American guys who would hang out at gay bars and certainly not any straight American military members.

I wound up hanging out with him and a couple of friends of his along with another guy from the gay bar for quite some time. We went across the street to another gay bar to hang out and this is when things got even crazier. It is also the part you might want to skip if you aren’t into hearing about the escapades of naked gay guys.

So we walk into this bar and this naked guy comes up to me. He is wearing nothing. Well, nearly nothing. He had on a cock ring. He goes on to explain to me that he had testicular cancer and was starting a website to raise awareness about testicular cancer. And he was going around taking pictures of guy’s balls. Of course he asked me if he could take a picture of my balls so I let him. In retrospect, I wonder if he was full of shit and just wanted a picture of guys balls. Meh, it doesn’t matter to me if he is sitting around jerking off to my balls.

A short while later we were standing in an enclosed outdoor porch of the bar and he was telling me all about the story of his testicular cancer. Right about then, another totally naked guy walked in, sat down and started jerking off. We continued to talk when after a few minutes, the jerk off guy got up and just started eating out the ass of the guy I was talking to. Here we were in the middle of a serious conversation when this dope starts rimming the fuck out of this guy. Yeah, it kind of ruined the mood.

After going back to the other bar for a little bit, I called it a night about 4 am and managed to catch a cab back to the hotel. So that was Wednesday and Thursday. Tomorrow, I’ll finish the rest of the trip.

So for those of you that care, I somehow managed to survive another vacation. Now the hard part: trying to remember all of it so that I can stuff it into posts over the course of the next few days. I guess I should start off by saying that I went to Florida from last Sunday until yesterday. I went with a couple of friends of mine. We flew down to Orlando Sunday evening and upon landing I found out that the Dallas Mavericks had beaten the Miami Heat in the NBA Finals. This made me happy on a level that was probably not sane. But, what can I say, I really hate the Miami fucking Heat.

So after the flight, we drove 65 miles to the house of my friend’s 75 year old aunt so that my friend could pick up some stuff from her aunt. Now I don’t want to sound like a dick, but……………she pretty much filled every stereotype that exists about the elderly. In spite of the fact that it was hotter than fuck out with humidity that seemed to be chronically at 10,000%, she kept the house at 79 degrees. This made it damn near impossible to sleep.  Also, she was kind of bossy always telling us what to do and how to do it. When we went out to dinner, she asked for pork chops and when the waiter said they didn’t have pork chops she said “well, I guess that means I can’t eat.” My friend talked her into getting something but the poor waiter had to come back quite a few times before she finally decided on something. Meanwhile, I was STARVING and was ready to eat the food from the table next to us. I promised my friend that I would be on my best behavior around her aunt, so it made for a tough day and a half of dealing with her.

Earlier in the day on Monday I did this indoor skydiving thing in Orlando called ifly. This thing sounded pretty cool; it allowed me to feel like I’m skydiving even though I’m too much of a pussy to do real skydiving. If this is how real skydiving is, then I’m never going to do it. First of all, it was $69 for two “jumps” and a dvd. Each jump lasted one minute, which means we drove 65 miles and paid nearly $70 for two minutes. Jeez, for those rates I could have gotten a hooker. Shit, two minutes, that sounds like my sex life! I mean it was kind of cool, but the dude that was the “instructor” was not much bigger then me and had a hard time handling most of the people there including myself. Still, it was a unique experience.

So Tuesday we went to Key West. Unfortunately, we had to fly the 55 minutes to Fort Lauderdale only to drive another three and a half hours to Key West. But, once we got to Key West, it was worth it. We had a room at the Banana Bay Resort, who’s website makes it look much better than it actually is. But, I guess that is the job of the website. They had an outdoor pool which was clothing optional. This might sound cool, but honestly, there were very few people naked at the pool. And of course, the ones that were naked were not very attractive. I thought about going naked but didn’t want to get a sunburn on my junk.

Tuesday night was the first night we were there. We went to a really good Cuban restaurant called Havana 1. I had never eaten Cuban food before and this stuff was amazing. All three of us agreed that it was the best food we had on the entire trip. Being that we were right next to the ocean, I tried to have as much seafood as possible so I got a pasta dish that was served with a fish that I could not recall. Nevertheless, it totally kicked ass.

After dinner, my friends were too tired to hang out, but that didn’t stop me. I went to Duval Street by myself. My first stop was a bar that I had heard a lot about called the Bull, The Whistle and The Garden of Eden. It is kind of three bars in one. The first floor had a lady singing songs. The second had some pool tables. And the third, located on the roof was a naked bar. Yes, people get fully naked in there. Of course, most of them were not very attractive. And there really wasn’t a lot going on there so I left.

I wandered over to a place called Willie T’s. There was a lady playing acoustic guitar along with a guy playing drums. This type of place is totally my scene. It was there that I met a nice newlywed couple from Harrisberg, PA. I bought them a shot of tequila and we talked for a couple of hours while listening to the music. Finally about 1:15 I hopped in a cab and went back to the hotel.

That is all for now, be sure to check in tomorrow when I continue with more about the trip.

I’m just a few days away from another trip. For those of you keeping track, this is my fourth vacation in the past six and a half months and third trip in just a month and a half. For New Year’s Eve I went to New York City with some friends. Of course, late April/early May I won a trip to Los Angeles to see the Cubs lose in another time zone. And May 20-22 I went to Milwaukee for the weekend with friends. Of course, all of these trips are documented here on Xanga.

So where am I going you ask? Well I’m quite certain you figured it out by the title of my post (bonus points if you can guess where I got the title from) that two friends and I are indeed going to Key West. My vacation from work officially starts at around 6:15 in the P.M. on Friday, but we don’t actually leave until Sunday evening. First we will go to Orlando until Tuesday so my friend can visit her aunt. Then on Tuesday we will hop a plan and fly to Ft Lauderdale and rent a car and then make that scenic and possibly scary drive over the ocean to Key West. We will come home on Saturday, June 18th.

We don’t have any solid plans as to what we are going to do when we get down there, although I’m sure some time on a beach is in order along with eating some hopefully good ass seafood. And of course drinking. Lots of drinking. Probably margaritas, after all it is the land of Jimmy Buffett. So please feel free to offer any suggestions.

Also, I’m going to attempt once again to make it a YouTube vacation like I did with the L.A. trip. A lot depends on if my friend brings her laptop. But, if so you can check out the videos there along with some crappy, disorganized, yet slightly entertaining videos from the L.A. trip. Here is the link:

http://www.youtube.com/user/heckels#p/u

Later peeps!

I was reading another Xanga site,(it was pennylumpkins to be exact) recently of somebody who is a fellow Atheist and it got me to thinking. Why don’t we Atheists recruit or promote ourselves more? Look, pretty much every other religion has their ways of getting attention. Mormons and Jehovah Witnesses go door to door. Other denominations of Christianity advertise on t.v., radio, in magazines or even billboards. Yet really nothing from us. And when you think about it, it should be really easy to recruit people to Atheism. Just look at the benefits:

• You don’t have to do jack shit. Many of the world’s religions preach that you have to pray umpteen times a day or pretend to read some sort of holy book or spread the word while in reality people don’t do any of that shit, with Atheism you can do jack shit and feel good about it. It’s all of the jack shit, with none of the guilt.
• Sleep in on Sundays. If you are like me, Sundays are the hardest day of the week to get up early because I’m always up late the night before; the last thing I want to do is get up early and rush off to some building, dog ass tired and possibly hung over to listen to somebody preach about how I’m going to Hell for 10 minutes before I fall asleep only to be woken up by people singing in a creepy, cultish manner. But with Atheism, while the God fearing are getting home from church, I’m getting out of bed. It’s fucking great!
• Fuck who you want, how you want and when you want. Most religions have some sorta of sexual guidebook that says premarital sex, gay sex, oral sex, tittie fuck sex, hand sex or any other non missionary sex that leads to procreation sex is wrong. With Atheism you don’t have a book that tells you jack shit, you just drink until the alcohol says they are fuckable. And feel free to use any hole you want; they are all open for any consenting adults.
• No giving credit to any make believe God when shit finally goes your fucking way. Ever notice how people always give thanks to God/Allah/Jebus when they survive a earthquake, manage some how not to joke to death at KFC, or when they hit a game winning homerun but yet never blame that very same other worldly being for shit that goes bad? Well, with Atheism, you give credit to the person who actually hit you that game winning homer: yourself. Of course, on the other hand, if shit goes bad, you have nobody to blame but yourself.
• Nobody can call you a hypocrite when you preach to follow your holy book, yet you fail to even come close to living up to your own moral standard as set forth by the said holy book. You have no holy book; all you have to follow is the law and guess what, if you don’t follow the law than your ass winds up in fucking jail, not in the afterlife but right fucking now. And by right now, I mean after the evidence is gathered, you await a trial that finds you guilty and you get sent away for years.

Okay, so those are just a few of the selling points I came up with for now. Honestly, when you compare it to the other religions, it really should be an easy choice. Hell, you don’t even have to do anything, just stop doing what you are already doing. Shit, we are Americans, being lazy and doing nothing should come easy!

I’m so fucking pissed off at that Anthony Weiner right now. So fucking pissed. For those of you that don’t follow the news, let me bring you up to speed. First of all, Anthony Weiner (yes, it is pronounced weiner as it Oscar Meier Weiner or holy shit, that dude has got a big weiner) Democratic Representative from New York, was accused last week of tweeting a picture of his caged cock to a college student in Washington state. I say caged because he was wearing underwear at the time; briefs to be more specific. All last week he claimed that his account was hacked and somebody else sent the pic, but he would not deny that it was a picture of his junk, saying he was investigating the picture. Yeah, the whole world knew he was full of shit, I mean honestly, who the fuck doesn’t recognize a picture of your cock, even if it is briefed. So today he does what he should have done from the start: admit that it was not only his cock, but also that he sent the picture.

Now I’m fucking furious. I just can’t believe this shit. I can’t believe he would stoop this fucking low. Here I was, all set to lay claim to the picture being me. Have you seen the picture? Well, it’s not like he could exactly be a porn star, but he certainly has a respectable bulge. Here I was going to claim it, he would have been off the hook and it would have led the world to believe that I’ve got a big cock! But nooooooo, he had to go and fuck the whole thing up. And now what am I going to do? I’m not like these cock pills I’ve been taking since the eight grade have worked. And the penis extension? Well let’s just say I’ve got a better chance of getting an extension on my taxes!

So thanks a fucking lot, Anthony Fucking Weiner. I hope you and your slightly larger than average cock are happy.