I was reading an article in Sports Illustrated about former seven foot NBA players. I guess I should clarify, these guys are still seven feet tall, but they are no longer NBA players. Now being somebody who at five feet, six inches is damn near close to seven feet tall, I never realized how many problems these guys have. I mean, it is all common sense stuff, but I guess I just never thought much about it. Now being under heighted, I sometimes have some trouble finding clothes that fit properly. But the problems I have pale in comparison to the shit these big fellas have to go through. There are far fewer seven footers than five and a half footers in America. There was a statistic in the article that estimated that there are only 70 American males between the ages of 20 and 40 who are at least seven feet tall. Think about that. How many males in America are between the ages of 20 and 40 (shit, it has to be at least 20 million if I had to guess) and even if the estimate is off by say, a thousand, it would still mean that a very small percentage are seven feet tall. Also, consider how many seven footers you have ever know. I’ve met a lot of people and only one of them of any age was seven feet tall.

So in addition to having trouble finding clothes, they also have issues just walking  around, well, anywhere. Keep in mind that most doorways are under seven feet tall. Many ceiling fans hang around seven feet tall. Bathtubs and beds in hotels? Guess what, they are not big enough to accommodate a larger guy. Unless custom made, vehicles very rarely are big enough for these guys. And stalls in bathrooms? Well, guess what, when these guys go to the bathroom they hope like hell that there is a urinal open or that there isn’t a guy taking a shit in the stall next to them.

Furthermore, there seems to be some considerable health risks with taller guys. Even though our bodies were not meant to be THAT big, there are very few studies being done on bigger guys because, everybody wants their kids to be tall and not short, so there are tons of studies being done on the health effects of being small as opposed to being big. And then there is the social stigma that comes with being tall. I’m short, but people never come up to me and ask how short I am. But, a tall person? Well you can damn well bet that they get questions and comments from damn near every person they ever meet about their height.

A few years ago I wrote a post about taller guys versus shorter guys. You really should go back and read that post, as I’m too lazy to find it myself. But, basically, it was about my constant curiosity about if tall guys are……………….well, proportioned. After all, wouldn’t it be hilarious to find out that, while being seven foot six, Yao Ming had a tiny three inch penis. And while being four foot nine, Danny Devito could be packing an eight incher downtown. Or what if I was naked next to Shaquille O’Neal and it turned out that I put him to shame? Hell, I know from first hand experience that height does not always dictate the size of one’s cock.

Honestly, that last paragraph really has nothing to do with the rest of the post, but you can’t honestly tell me the cock size didn’t pop into your head when reading this post or when you see a really tall ass fucking guy. Still though, I hope this post makes you have a better understanding of tall guys as I know the SI article did for me.

Oh, and I don’t think I could put Shaq to shame. Just for the record. As if there was some sort of record keeping of cock size.

I read an article in the Chicago Tribune on July 4 about how there is a growing number of Catholics who believe that the Church is a victim of a grand conspiracy. Now I know what you are thinking; the sexual abuse scandal is a conspiracy. No, the victims couldn’t be that lucky; the priests still like to diddle little boys. Is it perhaps a conspiracy involving not eating meat on Fridays during lent? Again, the priests do indeed like their sausage. Could it be the exclusion of females from becoming priests? Guess again. The conspiracy is that the earth revolves around the sun. See, they believe that the conspiracy started to help squash the Church’s influence and instead, the sun revolves around the earth.

I’m certainly glad they figured this one out. I mean, after all it makes sense. The earth revolving around the sun; pffft, what kind of nonsense is this; it is almost as bad as this theory that the earth is round. Look, I’ve got several maps of the world, clearly the damn thing is flat. Shit, I can rub my hand all across it and it is as flat as the chest of a 12 year old girl. Plus, every day the massive sun falls off the end of the earth on it’s daily trip around the much smaller earth and on it’s way to revolving around Mars, Venus, Mercury and the rest of the planets. Look, what other explanation can their be; I mean everyday the sun goes away for the better part of 8-10 hours; I mean, where else could it go? It’s not like the Pope flips a switch and turns the sun off? Wait a minute, maybe he does; shit maybe that is what he keeps in that giant hat of his, the switch to turn off the sun.

This whole conspiracy is almost like the conspiracy of evolution. As Bill O’Reilly has said, there is no explanation for certain things which helps to prove God’s existence and creationism. As he puts it, tides go out and come in with no reason; sun comes up, sun goes down with no reason. And I say that is all the proof we need that evolution is not real. I mean, just look at food that you eat. You eat a hot dog and it evolves into poop. Honestly, what happens there; why is it not still a hot dog when it comes out? See, there is no explanation for its metamorphosis into human waste and since it’s evolution into shit can not be explained then that means that evolution is a fraud and creationism is real. Beer goes in piss comes out. Seriously, how does it happen? The reality is that nobody can explain it.

And it is just like the theory that the earth revolves around the sun. The earth is too pure and innocent to do any moving. Earth is God’s amazing and wonderful creation so why would it have to rotate around the sun? No, instead the sun is Satan’s work; it is a giant ball of fire that is hotter then the hottest fires of hell and it moves from planet to planet everyday like the inter galactic space slut it is. Just think about it; when you get a sun burn, that is Satan’s way of using the sun as it’s tool to get your attention.

All these centuries of lies about the earth revolving around the sun to help bring down the Catholic Church. And all if it snowballed into the culmination of the sexual abuse scandal which never would have happened if this conspiracy theory had not been allowed to spiral out of control. Damn you science and common sense! Damn you straight to your slutty sun.

Last week I went for a walk at work during my lunch. There is not a lot of places to walk at work, so for the most part I just walk around the parking lot of three buildings. So as I’m walking, I found a parking lot surprise. What is a parking lot surprise you ask? Well, let me put it this way, it is exactly what you think it is. I guess I should probably explain further.

In the corner of the parking lot right next to an apartment complex, I saw a can of Redi Whip. Because I’m a disgusting individual who is obsessed with food, my initial instinct was to pick it up and see if there was anything in it, but then basic common sense kicked in and told me that was really stupid. After all, if I pick it up that only increases the chances of me spraying some of it into my mouth. So I walked a few more steps and looked down and stopped suddenly just before I stepped on the first used condom. That’s right people, I said the first one because there was indeed a second used condom.

I had a dream last night that Michael Jordan was having an affair with an under aged Puerto Rican boy.

Of course, this begs the question, which of my co workers is freaky and ballsy enough to have parking lot sex. And the bigger question is, why the Redi Whip? Honestly, who the fuck plans to have a marathon session in a damn parking lot? I mean, I always thought whipped cream was more of a indoor sex thing; these people not only brought whipped cream with them but they also did it twice. TWICE. Shit, we have all had some form of parking lot sex at some point in our lives but if you are like me, you don’t exactly want to take your time and draw it out forever. I don’t know about you, but if I’m in a car I’m a little worried about getting caught and obviously the longer you are doing it, the more of a chance of getting caught. It is times like those when I’m glad my nickname is the Minute Man!

Of course there is always the more likely chance that it is not my co workers at all doing it, but instead horny teenagers, you know, as if there is another kind of teenager besides horny. Shit, can’t you just picture a phone call going something like this: “Billy, are your parents home, I’m really wet for that still growing cock of yours?” “Ohhhh, Brittany, my cock is so fucking hard for you, but my parents are home. I have an idea though, let’s pick up some condoms and a can of Redi Whip and head over to that empty parking lot right next to the expressway!”

To even add more to the story, some other co workers said they came across another condom nowhere near the other two condoms on their way into the building last week. And somebody else said they have witnessed a guy and a girl driving into the parking lot in separate cars during their lunch and fucking. So apparently our parking lot turns into an orgy wild car sex after hours. Or even during hours in the case of the lunchtime couple. All I’m saying is that I really need to start working later so I can be there when it gets dark out.

Maybe it was Michael Jordan fucking his Puerto Rican boy toy?

Saturday I had a Second of July party to go to at my brother’s house. Now recently I discovered boiled peanuts on the side of the road near Orlando. I guess boiling one’s nuts is a southern tradition. But, being a big fan of food, I like anything that tastes good. And like many other southern foods, they tasted really fucking good. So I think you might know where this is going, but I decided that I would attempt (and attempt being the key word here) to bring this southern snack up here to the north, that is, if you consider Illinois the north. I figured that this party at my brother’s house would be the perfect opportunity to try it out so that if it sucked, well, shit, at least it was a family member’s house instead of…………..well, fuck, I got nothing else.

Have you heard of this thing called the world wide internets? Well, I went online and found a recipe for boiling shelled peanuts. Now here is what you do, you somehow acquire peanuts in the shell by any means possible. For most people, this would be robbing some loser peanut farm in the middle of fucking Georgia. But, me being a rebel, I went and purchased them from the store. Next you preferably remove the peanuts from the bag and put them in a pot. Now here is the key to boiling peanuts. Actually, you might find this is the key to boiling anything: you add water and then place over a fire, quite possibly even your stove and let it sit. In this case, you add eight table spoons of salt (or in my case, sea salt) to your two pounds of peanuts, turn the gas on high and leave unsupervised for the better part of four hours. So now you know the recipe. And now, I will tell you the rest of the story.

Yadda yadda yadda, after about three hours or so of boiling the ever living shit out of two pounds of peanuts, I’m sitting here on this very computer when I hear the carbon monoxide detector going off. My initial reaction was to take a nap. Then I thought about it and realized that as much as I wanted to sleep, I really wanted to eat some of these nuts. I also realized that July 2 falls in the dead middle of summer so the likelihood of my furnace being on and causing carbon monoxide was not good. So I yelled at the carbon monoxide detector. When that didn’t work, I moved it to another room to shut it the fuck up. It went quiet. Then I brought it back into the room where it decided to beep again. At this point I was in denial because, hey, ain’t nobody going to get in the way of me and two pounds of wet nuts. So I brought it back into the other room where it went quiet. I read the back of the detector and it said that if you hear three quick beeps, than the thing is a piece of shit but if it beeps four times then you should leave the fucking house; if it beeps five times then the carbon monoxide detector is attracted to you; if it beeps six times than your detector is indeed pregnant and you are about to become the parent of a half man half detector in which case, you better get used to shitloads of beeping.

So back in the other room it went. I’ll be damned if I’m going to be a parent. So the thing was quiet for about an hour. I was done with the stove top but my brother was now using the oven. I guess the detector felt like it wasn’t getting enough attention because it beeped again. I paid attention because, hey, what can I say, I’m desperate for any sort of action, even if it is man and detector action. However, it was four beeps. So now I’m concerned but again in denial. So off to the damn hardware store I went to buy another detector.

I got back and plugged it in. This one was quiet. But, I still had no piece of mind, I mean the last thing I want is to have hot detector sex, pass out, and never wake up again because the house filled with carbon monoxide. So I called the fire department. They came out and said that indeed the house had some carbon monoxide in it. Our theory was that having the gas stove on high for four in a half hours caused the problem. So after airing the house out for a little bit, off we went to the party.

As for the boiled peanuts, I know you are dying to know how they turned out. Within minutes of getting to the party, I had people telling me that they were awful. It wasn’t so much that they tasted bad, but more that they had no taste to them and they were so slimy and gross. So I guess that means the moral of the story is to hold a peanut farmer and his family hostage at gunpoint while they make you boiled peanuts.