Every now and then I like to do a post about myself. Perhaps it’s because I’m self involved, self centered and a bit narcissistic. Or maybe it’s because I get new readers and like to kinda reintroduce myself every now and then. Or maybe I see somebody else do a similar post about themselves and I steal the idea from them. Of course it could also be because I have nothing to write about. Or maybe it is just a combination of all of the above. But, here are some facts that you might not know about me that you wouldn’t know unless you actually knew me.

• The only time I’m ever late is for my period. I HATE being late for anything. My thinking is that I don’t like to keep people waiting as I know how much I hate to be kept waiting. I’m not just on time, but normally I’m chronically early with everything I do. Even when I don’t work overtime at work, I’m still 20-30 minutes early. If I’m invited to a party, I show up right on time; for example if the invite says anytime after two, well I’m there at two. I like to party so usually I’m the first one there and the last to leave. I don’t overstay my welcome though; I will usually leave within minutes of the previous person leaving.
• I have not missed a day of work in nearly four years, Monday November 19, 2007 to be exact. I don’t mean to toot my own horn (although I would if I could) but I’m about as reliable as the sunrise and sunset. This was one of the things that my mom really instilled in us; we don’t miss school unless we were dead. Well, that attitude stood with me as I became an adult and joined the workforce.
• I’ve never admitted this on here, but I live in my parents old house. Pathetic, no? I guess you can say I kinda waited things out, but honestly it’s not much of a wait when one of the parents (my dad) dies when you are four. Shit, that’s half the battle right there! My mom got cancer when I was 23 and died a few months after I turned 24. I remember before she got sick, I was thinking about moving out, but once she got sick, things changed. And it’s not like I totally freeloaded into the house; when she died she still owed something like $130,000 on the house.
• Back in the October of 1997, I got a job working in a haunted house. It was actually a haunted clown house and I actually wasn’t working inside the house but outside of it. My job was to let customers into the house and entertain people in the line. I was half-assed dressed like a clown, meaning I wore a clown wig, a clown suit and clown shoes but no make up. I developed my own character in which I would heckle people in the line by yelling at them, taunting them, and making fun of them. I was totally pompous and obnoxious. I called myself “Heckels The Clown” (intentionally misspelling the name) and it was the most fun job I’ve ever had. Too bad it was only temporary and paid just $6 an hour.
• I’m generally a night owl, although 11 months of overtime have forced me into going to bed much earlier then I like. My energy level peaks at night and usually it takes me 20-45 minutes to fall asleep each night and often times I wake up and have trouble falling back to sleep. I do like being up late though.

So there now you know just a little bit more about me. What’s that, you don’t give an ever living shit? Well fuck you, I mean would it fucking kill you to a least pretend to care? Just fucking humor me a little bit, would ya?

Wait. Did I just say that I get a period?

Recently there has been a lot of controversy in the news about the death penalty. First, there was a question in the Republican debate a couple of weeks ago in which the crowd applauded after Texas Gov. Rick Perry proudly responded to a question about how Texas had executed 237 people in the past 10 years. And then last week, Georgia death row inmate Troy Davis was executed amid many questions as to if he was truly guilty.

I have to be honest, I have always had mixed feelings about the death penalty, but have always leaned slightly against it. A few years ago I moved from being slightly against it to actually being against it. See, I just felt that killing somebody as punishment for another person’s murder was probably wrong; after all, two wrongs do not make a right. To me, it is kind of unmoral to execute somebody in spite of that person’s unmoral act of murder.

Then a few months ago, I had a conversation with somebody who brought up a very good point: what if the person on death row is actually innocent. Of course, this was something that I had thought about previously and did influence my belief, but not as much as now. I have to say that now, the potential of one’s innocence is the biggest reason why I’m against the death penalty. I know there are people out there who believe that everybody who is on death row is guilty, but that is just a crazy thought. After all, was everybody ever acquitted of murder truly innocent? Need examples? See Simpson, O.J. or Anthony, Casey; most people agree that both of them got away with murder.

I heard on Piers Morgan tonight that 17 people who were on death row had their convictions overturned based on DNA evidence and also another 112 people later had their convictions overturned based on other non DNA evidence. Furthermore, I’d like to know the stats of people who have been given a life sentence for murder who later had their convictions overturned. Of course, the difference with a life sentence and an execution is one big thing: if there is a mistake with a life sentence you get out of jail; if a mistake was realized after somebody had been executed the chances of bringing that person back to life is pretty damn slim.

Let’s call the execution of an innocent person exactly what it is: murder. Look, we all know the judicial system is far from perfect. So if a certain percentage of people who are guilty are actually found innocent, then certainly at least the same percentage of innocent people are found guilty. And you know damn well that not all of the 237 people Texas put to death were guilty; hell, simple math and common sense proves that some of those people were innocent, after all we all know the judicial system isn’t perfect. So let’s even be on the conservative side and say that only 5% of them were actually innocent. Now I’m no expert when it comes to math, but that is probably somewhere around 10-12 people. Can we really live with knowing that in addition to the victims of these crimes, we have made even more victims which is even more tragic?

Now I can not speak intelligently about the case of Troy Davis; I don’t know nearly enough about it to have an opinion one way or another. But, I do know that there were significant questions about his guilt and when you have a situation like that, there is no way that we should even be considering going through with the execution.

I realize that many people who read this are probably on the same page as me. But, I also really want to hear from people who are for the death penalty. My question is, how can you justify support of the death penalty if the person being executed is actually innocent? What do you say to that person or that person’s family later on if the executed person is proven to be innocent?

……..’s Kitchen, that is. Just what the fuck am I talking about you ask? Well allow me to explain what was one of the better and interesting weeks of my life and quite possibly the best week of the year.

The week started on Monday with me continuing to try to buy a car. Nothing crazy on Monday………..at least not until I found out about it on Tuesday. Somebody at work came up to me and said they saw me on Monday’s first episode of the awful FOX show “Hell’s Kitchen.” And by me, I don’t mean somebody who looked a lot like me, I mean actually me, in the flesh. Like me, you are probably wondering how the fuck I was on the horrible “Hell’s Kitchen” and just how I can be on a t.v. show and not know it. Well you might remember that earlier this year I won a contest to see the Chicago Cubs play the Los Angeles Dodgers in L.A. As part of the contest, my friends and I got to go on the field before the game. It just so happened that the miserable “Hell’s Kitchen” was filming part of an episode on the field and as they were talking to one of the contestants, my friends and I walked behind them. But, that ain’t even the funny part. What is really fucking funny is that the contestant said that he was so excited to be on the field at Dodger Stadium where so many legendary people had walked and as if to contradict what he just said, the next person you see walking on the field is me! Now if you wisely skipped the stupid fucking “Hell’s Kitchen” because you had better things to do, like ram your head into a brick wall, you can catch it OnDemand, on Hulu, or wait until Tuesday and watch it on the FOX website. The scene in question is from the first episode that aired on Monday called “4 Chefs Compete” episode and it is roughly 23 or 24 minutes into the episode and you can skip ahead so that you don’t have to suffer through the show itself. You have to look quick for me and my gang to go walking behind them.

So how could the week get any better then that you ask? Well, this week at work was our annual United Way raffle in which you buy raffle tickets for a chance to win prizes. Many of you might remember that last year I won an IPOD touch. Well, Wednesday I bought some tickets and also won 10 free tickets from playing plinko. We also had a health fair that same day at work and on that same lunch, I also got my cholesterol checked and found out that it had dropped 48 points from my last test in April. They also had free three minute massages as well which I got. Oh, and did I mention I also bought a brand new car while on lunch?

Thursday was new car day. I was so excited because right after work I was planning on picking up my brand new Ford Fiesta. Of course, by buying a Ford Fiesta I will be saying good bye to what’s left of my masculinity, but hey, it gets great gas mileage. Now I fully didn’t expect to get upstaged on my big news of buying a car, but my brother nearly managed to top me.

First a little background. My older brother lives with me and he has been unemployed since the ending of February. He has been looking very hard for a job but just hasn’t been able to find one. Well Thursday afternoon I got a text from him saying that he got a fucking job! Combine that with my new car and it was truly a great fucking day for us!

Friday was the big drawing for the prizes for our United Way contest. There were a lot of prizes and I had spent $30 on 103 tickets so my chances of winning were good. And to make things more ironic, this was the exact same amount of tickets and money I had spent last year when I won my IPOD. Well, once again, it paid off. I won something called an IHOME which is a clock alarm radio that allows you to play your IPOD or IPAD. No word yet on if the prize will include a brief spot on FOX’s terrible “The X Factor“.

So that was my week. How was yours?

Today on my way home from work, I stopped off at the Ford dealer and put a small down payment on a 2012 Ford Fiesta. They don’t have the one I want in stock just yet and they need to get it from another dealer. But, they should have it by to me by Thursday and with that, will start the next 10 years of my car ownership. I’ve determined that I should probably drive a car for 10 years at a time. First was the 1987 ‘Vette, however I only drove that for about two years. Next was the 1992 Ford Aerostar (yeah, a minivan) which was a hand me down from my mom as it turned out she wasn’t going to need it anymore on the account of her being dead. I only drove that though for about a year and a half when I traded it in and bought my 2001 Chevrolet Cavalier.

I’m thinking back about all of the memories and experiences I’ve had in the Cavalier. My first was just a couple of weeks after I bought it when I crashed into a curb and killed one of the tires. I had less then 500 miles on the car at the time. I had dozed off on the way to work and woke up and got startled by a dump truck and instinctively swerved into the curb, even though I was not in danger of hitting the truck.

Another memory of that car was back in September of 2003 when me and my boys went to a local bar to play darts. On the way back to the car, my friend had stolen a dart and threw it into the car as we leaving. The dart remained on the floor in my backseat until I cleaned it on Friday in preparation of it being sold. I remember that night well because it was the night after the Cubs won the division and we left the bar and drove the 40 miles to Wrigley Field for no other reason then just to go.

When I first bought the car, I said that this was the car I would drive to Las Vegas in. While that never happened, I still took several road trips in that car, the first one was when my friend and I went to Cincinnati for a Cubs-Reds game. We left on Friday at 10 am, drove the five hours to get there, watched the roughly three hour game and then made the five hour drive back home right after the game, getting back about 3:30 in the morning. Another trip we took was to Louisville in April of 2003 for the same friend to pick up a ’67 Mustang that he bought. Another trip that I wrote about here on Xanga was in November of 2009 when a friend and I went to Springfield for a couple of days. I got a speeding ticket on the way down there.

I was in this very same car when I got a phone call in August of 2008 when I had a friend call to tell me the most shocking and devastating news imaginable and raced across town to his house.

On the lighter side, I only got one fucking blow job in that car. 10 and a half years and only one brief blow job in a parking lot. Hell, I didn’t even finish. The same with the hand jobs I got in that car, I didn’t even finish. Oh well, I guess it’s better off, after all I wouldn’t want to squirt all over and ruin the seats or carpeting.

I have had quite a few mishaps in that car though; in fact, it is amazing that I haven’t done more damage to it. Outside of the curb incident, there were tons of big potholes I can over, also ran over a parking block, drove over glass bottles (that one just last week), crunched the front end on low driveways, and ran over countless other things that I had no idea what they were. I never, however, hit an animal with that car. Then again, I have it for another day and a half. Who knows what I can hit in that time?

Overall it has been a good car for me and a part of me will miss it. One thing that I really like about it is that the radio stays on after you turn off the car and doesn’t turn off until you open the door. Also there is an arm rest in between the driver and passenger’s side seats that my new car won’t have. Shit, for 10 years that car has been me. I don’t think I will get emotional with it the way I did when I got rid of the van. That was a little different; it was my mom’s last vehicle and she had only been dead for about 14 months at that point. And I didn’t even cry, just got a little teary eyed.

I hope the next person takes good care of it and that it takes good care of the next owner. My uncle always said take good care of your car and it will take good care of you. I always tried to do that with this car and I managed to get 124,000 miles and nearly 10 and a half years out of it.

The beginning of this post is going to serve as a very very very very very VERY VERY important lesson for car dealerships that are trying to get potential customers to come in and take a test drive on a vehicle that the dealership would indeed like to sell to said customer. So, let me give those dealers a couple of very important steps they are going to want to take in the whole test driving experience. In fact, you might even say these are absolutely essential steps that must be taken when test driving a car.

1. Find a customer who is interested in test driving a car and ask if they would like to come in and test drive said vehicle. If they can’t come right in, then offer to set an appointment.
2. Now here is the big one. The one that while not as hard as number one, is probably more important then number one. And I can not stress this one enough. Are you ready? Because if you aren’t ready for this then you should just close up shop. Okay, so here we go with the step: HAVE THE MOTHERFUCKING CAR IN STOCK AT THE DEALER FOR A TEST DRIVE!
3. There is no step three. If you can’t get past step two then you probably shouldn’t be selling cars.

Why do I say all of this you ask? Well as you might recall from my previous post, I am in the market for a new car. Last week I spent most of the week narrowing it down to one specific car at one dealer from whom I was most certainly going to buy from. The dealership in question, Honda of Lisle (Illinois), tried to get me in for a test drive on multiple occasions last week, asking me if I wanted to come in or just schedule an appointment.  I told them I could not make it until Saturday, so they made an appointment for Saturday at one in the p.m central standard time.

Now I desperately wanted a hybrid and had the biggest hard on for the Honda Insight. It was determined that I would probably buy the Insight LX, which the dealer did not have in stock but they told me they had the Insight EX in stock so I could just test drive that. So after scheduling my appointment, I continued to do research on the Insight, finding out quite a few things that actually were not good. For example, while it claims to seat five, the back seat is so tiny that a normal sized adult could not fit back there. Also, Consumer Reports not only ranked it as the worst car in it’s class but also was the only one they recommended NOT to buy. And I had heard that having work done on Hondas can be expensive and even a new set of windshield wipers could only be obtained from a Honda dealer. So at this point, I was down to about 50-50 as to if I would buy, which was down from 100% at the start of the week. Then came the test drive.

I was curiously excited on Saturday to finally get my chance to drive this car and see for myself about the room in the back seat. I’m a small guy so it’s not a big deal for me but could be a big deal for my friends. My brother and I arrived promptly at the dealer, in fact, we were about 10 minutes early. We sat down with a salesman who proceeded to tell me that they did not have the LX in stock. No big deal, I already knew that. But, in addition, they didn’t even have the EX in stock; meaning that the very car I was to test drive on my appointment for a test drive was not even there! Instead, he told me that I could test drive a CRX which was kind of like an Insight (it’s not) except that, you know, it wasn’t an Insight and in fact, was a lot different from the Insight. Oh, and the only one they had in stock was a stick shift. Naturally, I don’t know how to drive stick. So now, this 20 minute drive to the damn dealer was  pointless. Needless to say, I was kinda pissed. To add insult to the whole thing, he started to ask me if I would want to put money down on the Insight to which I cut him off and quickly told him that there was no way I was going to put money down on a car that I could not test drive first. Seriously? That was fucking insulting, to try to sell me a car without letting me test drive it first.

Normally I would make a bigger stink about such a thing, but this pretty much just sealed it for me: I was not going to buy a Honda so why get pissed? He told me that he would have some Insights in around the 23rd or 24th and I could come back then. At this point though, I did not want my trip out there to be a total fucking waste so I asked him to give me a price on my trade in. At first he refused, saying that they normally do it the day of a potential sale. But, I kinda pushed him into giving me an appraisal on my car. He told me it would take 20 minutes and I said that was fine, I just wanted a price. While he was gone I asked my brother where the nearest Ford dealer was because I was going to leave there and test drive a Ford Fiesta.

Finally after a half fucking hour, he was able to give me a price on my trade in, but told me that he can’t be sure that was the value it would be when I come back to test drive the Insight as I might put 1,000 miles on it in the 10 days it would be before I test drove the Insight, you know, because I’m totally planning on driving to New York and back as soon as I leave the dealer. After giving me the price he shook my hand and started to walk off when I reminded him that he still had my key (it was my spare, I wasn’t dumb enough to give him my only key). He then went back and got my key and gave it to me and we left, with no intention of ever going back there.

I remembered that there is a Ford dealer on my way home from work, in fact I drive past it everyday. And since the Honda dealer was just a few minutes from my job, we stopped off at the Ford dealer and test drove a Fiesta. Oh, and they gave me a price on my car in about 15 minutes. And as of right now, it is highly likely that I will buy it, in part because, SURPRISE, they actually have the vehicles people want to test drive and maybe buy in stock.

Well the time has come: I need a new car. I guess I should explain why I need a new car. First, I should tell you about my current car. I purchased my 2001 Chevrolet Cavalier on April 30, 2001. So obviously, it is over 10 years old and now has just shy of 124,000 miles on it. People say I can get at least 30,000 more miles and probably another 2-3 years out of it, which might be true, but there are a lot of little things wrong with it along with some really big things. The little things are things like the knob for the volume control on the radio broke off. Yes, I can still adjust the volume but it just doesn’t look as pretty. Also, the odometer faded out, geez, about five years ago. I can still see the mileage when it decides to work or if I press down on it. Also, while the seat belt still works, a piece broke off so it is a little bit harder to grab the belt when it is hanging off. Now for the big things:

• I desperately need new tires. I’ve gotten about 40,000 or 50,000 out of these tires and they are giving me trouble now and if I wasn’t going to buy a new car I would need the tires like last week. Tires will run me probably $200.
• I’m also going to need a new battery. My battery is about five years old. If the battery was the only problem, well then I wouldn’t be having this conversation. But, it’s not.
• It leaks power steering fluid. It is a slow leak, but I’m going through about a bottle of fluid a month. This can potentially be a cheap fix or a very expensive fix.
• What’s left of my speakers are dying. Sure, I don’t NEED speakers,  but if I were going to keep the car, there is no way I would drive it without having a radio, so I would buy new speakers, shit even the cheapest speakers would set me back $150 including installation.
• The biggest problem by far is the most unsettling. There seems to be some sort of short in the car and every now and then at completely random times, the traction light goes on and the car gets sluggish and dies out. It always starts right back up though and I go about my way. I have taken it to several mechanics and none of them can tell me what is wrong with it. This has been going on for well over a year. I’ve lost my peace of mind with this car because of this problem.
• Last Sunday the check engine light went on and remained on for a little bit but hasn’t been back on since. Often times these things are something really minor. But, add it up with everything else and its a cost.
• There is some sort of rattling coming from the back rear tire. I’ve heard this rattling for well over a year, I’m sure it is nothing more then the car being old but you never know.

While I’ve had the new car itch for about a year and a half now, last Sunday was the final straw and my new car breaking point was reached. I no longer have peace of mind and I don’t want to wait until I have an expensive breakdown that leads me to towing it to the dealer to trade it in. I don’t want to get to that point or to the point in which my vehicle is costing me time at work. It’s been a great car for 10 years, but it’s time to kick this thing to the curb.

For the past year, I’ve had my heart set on getting a Honda Insight. I really want a hybrid and that is the most affordable one out there. But, I didn’t want to be so closed minded that I didn’t take the time to look at other cars. So I did some research on quite a few other cars but in the end kept on coming back to the Insight. I do realize that in the grand scheme of things, the hybrid cars don’t save you money just based on the gas mileage, but for me it is just as much about the gas savings as it is on the environmental savings. Plus, I have every intention on driving this damn thing for 10 or more years and at that point, it might be worth it.

I’ve been in contact with several dealers and I think Saturday might be the big day; at the very least I will be taking the thing for a test drive and it is highly likely that I will be buying.

People my home state of Illinois is under attack from the rouge state of Minnesota. It turns out the smoke from some wildfires in northeastern Minnesota has invaded Illinois. I think its clear that they have been started to go to war with us here in Illinois. And you know why right? They hate us for our freedom to our governors. They believe that all of our governors are corrupt and should all be put in jail, when in reality it is a scant six out of every seven Illinois governors are corrupt. So what do those Minnesotan fuckers do? They start a damn wildfires in the hopes that they get so far out of control that the smoke winds up here in Illinois. Well guess what fuckers, it worked! The National Weather Service is issuing a warning about the smoke that has somehow managed to find its way here from Minnesota.

Where am I located here in Illinois you ask? Well I’m about a half hour southwest of Chicago without traffic; with traffic it’s about two weeks. I work a couple of towns over in Naperville and when I left work today, there was a slight haze and a semi potent burning smell from these said fires. And they are saying that it will probably get worse overnight. Wow, ain’t that totally fucked up that fires some 400 miles away can affect us?

But don’t worry, I’m sure we will fight back against Minnesota. After all, they can’t get away with this. I bet part of the problem is their shitty ass fucking sports teams. Wow, there isn’t a great team among the bunch. And it only gets worse and worse for them. So I say Illinois should fight back by, ohhhh, I dunno, maybe spurning a couple of tornadoes their way.

I’ve got profiles on a multitude of personal and gay sites which I frequent, well pretty much just about every night. So the other night, I was was on the world wide interwebs trolling for sex when I happened across a profile on gay.com. It wasn’t as much that I happened upon it as it was that I actually messaged the guy because, well, to be blunt I was horny as fuck and this is what I do when I’m horny. So we chatted briefly when he mentioned that he was glad that I am masculine because he “hates all them faggots.” Needless to say, I was more than just a little taken aback by this. In fact, I wasn’t just taken aback, I was fucking pissed and royally offended all rolled into one.

So I went off on him like a fucking boxer fighting for a title. I explained to him that his sort of attitude was absolutely unacceptable and accused him of being one of those Marcus Bachmann/Ted Haggard types who pretends to be straight by ripping on gays all the while being gay himself. Get this, he tried to tell me that he was not actually gay but just liked a piece of hot ass. Well, as I explained to him, like the hot ass or not, call yourself what you will, but guys who fuck other guys are, you know, FUCKING GAY. End of story. Now perhaps I was a bit harsh, but I went on to say that he is an embarrassment to gays and that if we can’t support each other then who else will? He said he actually agreed with me and that I was right, but I was already pissed; I told him that I thought he was being sarcastic. He told me he just doesn’t like feminine guys to which I replied that I’m not attracted to fems either, but they are who they are and they can’t help being fem anymore then we can help being masculine.

Now that is a basically summary of the conversation. It got me to realizing something. As hard as we try to fight for gay rights and for homosexual acceptance, there are even those among us who are our own worst enemy. Look there is certainly nothing wrong with being in the closet, but in my book, there is something horribly wrong to be protesting against our own kind or calling each other faggots. We are in a war and need all the damn support we can get; support that we just don’t get from a majority of the heterosexual community. We should be a group that supports each other and accepts each other for who we are, knowing damn well that we are all we got and the one thing that unites all of us is the rejection we have all had or seen towards gays at some point in our lives. If masculine gays don’t accept fems (and vice versa) for who they are, then honestly, we are no better then those fuckers who hate gays just because they are gay.

Those of you that have been reading a while know that I do not know how to swim and a year ago or so, I did a post about how I wanted to learn how to swim. Since then I have spent some time just trying to find somebody to each me. Most places only have lessons for kids since it is assumed that most adults know how to swim. I emailed or called a few places with no luck until finally I found out that a hospital in Naperville has swimming lessons through their fitness center. And not just lessons, but reasonably priced lessons; $78 for six weeks. The lessons are not private but they are limited to 6 people a class, which is pretty much perfect. The only problem was that the best time that worked for me was Sunday afternoons at 1 in the P.M. Why was this a problem you ask? Because I’m also a big Chicago Bears fan and the season starts at noon on September 11, the very same day the lessons start. On the other hand, the lessons are only 45 minutes long so while I would miss much of the first half and part of the third quarter, still left me with a chance to see a decent portion of the game.

So, as I mentioned, today was the first day of the lessons. I listened to the game for the 20 minute drive there. And because I arrived 20 minutes early, I was able to watch some of it on the t.v. that was above the exercise equipment. As for the class, it is taught by a really nice older lady who is, of course, in great shape and probably in her mid fifties. The rest of the class had people that were all older then me and thankfully not very attractive. This was important to me because the last thing I want to do is have the hots for somebody in the class and spring a fucking erection right there in the damn pool.

The first thing she had me do was put my head under the water and practice breathing. Next she moved onto floating. Now I should stress that while I’ve never been an expert on floating, I have always been a top notch sinker; shit, nobody sinks to the bottom of the pool the way I do. I knew floating would be a bit of a challenge for me. But, after properly learning to breath, soon I was able to float. Yeah, I can float like a sonofabitch.

At first I thought 45 minutes would breeze by and not be long enough to learn how to swim, but honestly, the 45 minutes seemed to drag because my mind was on the Bears game since I was unable to watch it and the water was kinda chilly. But, I felt that I got a lot done in that 45 minutes; not only did I learn to float, but I kinda learned to float on my back and even was able to half ass swim about five feet or so. And I loved it! I can’t wait to know how to actually swim and be able to do some real swimming in the water and go to the water park. Another thing that was cool was that because I now wear contacts, I was actually able to see underwater. Now I just have to pick me up some halfway decent goggles so I don’t have to use the crappy ones they have there.

I’ve made similar posts about my name previously. But, agirl at work recently was asking me what I prefer to be called, Mike, Michael,Mikey or something else. She said I should come up with different personalitiesfor each of my aliases. I should clarify that for the record, as if there wasan actual record, my given name on my Kenyan birth certificate is Michael. Iwas named after my mother’s father and my mother refused to call me Mike, butinstead always called me Michael or yousonofabitch. But, nevertheless, Idecided to come up with different personalities for each name, mainly because Ithought it would be funny and because I needed something to write about.

• Michael- We will start with the original name. Michael is the part of me who is well behaved and has nice manners. He is also thoughtful and the smartest of all of my personalities. He is not around very often, because he is a boring fuck.
• Mike- He is the most common one and around most often. He is obnoxious, loud, blunt and generally a dick. But he is fun. You either love or hate him. He is also the one who does most of the posting.
• Mikey- I swear I’ve never once introduced myself or Mikey or told anybody ever to call me Mikey, yet for some reason, lots of people call me that and it is usually people at work. Anywho, Mikey is immature, and often like a child but in a good way. He is the one who rides shopping carts, watches Tom & Jerry, eats Cookie Crisp, who loves chocolate and who throws a football at a 12 year old in a basement, breaking shot glasses and spilling drinks.
• The Mick- When I attempt to be a total hard ass, I bust out The Mick. When I get pissed off and start going off on some sort of stupid rant that might end with me in a fight that is The Mick. Unfortunately for me, it is not possible to be 5’6 130lbs and be a hard ass. The Mick is also difficult.
• Mickey- I hate that name. Don’t ever call me it; I hate it so much I didn’t even bother to create a personality for it.
• Rick Mumbles- This was a name given to me by some friends of mine, mainly because I have a tendency to mumble from time to time. Rick Mumbles turns up a lot when I’m drunk. Gee, imagine that.

 So that is pretty much it, I think I managed to fiteverybody into the above names. Maybe someday I will be able to add onto thelist.