Have you all heard about 72 year old actor Fred Willard getting caught jerking off in a porno theatre in Hollywood? Than again, maybe I should ask how many of you know who is Fred Willard. You might not recognize the name, but perhaps you know the face; he has been in a ton of movies, like Date Night, Anchorman, Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle, A Might Wind, Best in Show, Waiting for Guffman, and countless other movies and tv shows. Also I believe he has done some of the voice overs for Old Navy, but I can not confirm that as I’m only going by my belief that it sounds like him.

Call me nuts, but I can’t entirely understand what the big fucking deal is. I mean he was in a porno theatre. Wait, first of all, can you even believe they still have porno theatres? Shit, I thought those went away when the internet got huge and people could just watch and jerk in the comfort and more importantly the privacy of their own home. Honestly, I don’t think I’ve ever seen one of those theatres in person. Okay, so one time I went to an adult video store, rented a porno and watched it in a little booth by myself but I don’t think that is the same as an actual theatre. Oh and while I did rub my crotch a little over the pants, I did not jerk off in there although in retrospect, I’m kinda wishin I did.

But back to the topic at hand. Look, I’m not condoning public masturbation, but if there is any public place that masturbation should be legal its a damn porno theatre. Actually, I guess that means I am condoning public masturbation. And why not. Shit, you are watching pornography, what the fuck do guys do when they watch porn, they jerk it, baby. Hell they should be selling lube and a jerk off rag to help keep things clean and hygienic. Seriously, why the fuck do they think guys go to these movies, for the acting? They are movies made to get people horny and help them get off, nobody should be too shocked to find guys with their pants down by their ankles when the lights come on.

Then again, how exactly does one get caught doing something like this. It’s dark and discreet in there; unless some poor SOB has the job of walking the theatre shining a light in the customers lap I would imagine it has got to be very hard to get caught. Very hard. But like Pee Wee Herman and probably tons of guys before him, Willard somehow got caught white handed. And now he is a punchline and he is losing jobs. Society needs to get over the shame of masturbation. I say embrace it and let people freely do their thing in adult theatres, after all, they are fore adults.

Fuck though,wow 72 and still jerking off and in public nonetheless. Good for him. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have been jerking off the entire time I wrote this post and now I’ve got a mess on my hands.

A few years back I did a post in which I decided to keep track of all of the different songs that go through my head on a daily basis. I think I wound up with something like 30, but that number was a bit high because my co-worker knew what I was doing and kept putting songs in my head throughout the day. Still though, it seems like a ton of songs seem to float in and out of my head throughout the course of a day. And then there are those days in which one specific song seems to get stuck in your head and it won’t leave, even after you play the hell out of it to try to get it out of your head. In some cases it is kind of cool if it is a song that you forgot all about and hadn’t heard in a long time; other times it is a song that seems to be in regular rotation in your head.

So the other day, a co worker of mine made reference to the song “King of Wishful Thinking” by Go West. The song was featured on the soundtrack to Pretty Woman so that goes to show you just how long ago the song came out (1990 for those of you keeping track). I’ve always liked the song but hadn’t thought of it or heard it in a few years and kinda forgot how much I liked it. That being said, although I like it, I don’t three fucking days like it, meaning I like it enough to like it but not to have it stuck in my head for three days. Even though I played it last night which I thought would solve my problem, but today I saw said co worker and it came right back into my head. So I started singing the song to some of my other co workers as to get it stuck in their head as well. Shit, if I have to suffer than they should as well.

My normal song on regular rotation in my head is Green Day’s “Boulevard of Broken Dreams‘ which is probably my second favorite song of all time. It seems to be my go to song when I’m walking alone somewhere or when it is late at night and all is quiet. Another song that gets played in my head a lot is “Mary Jane’s Last Dance” by Tom Petty. This one seems to get played on the radio a lot and when it does, it spends the rest of the day in my head. Depending on the situation, there are about a dozen other songs that routinely come on the ADD IPOD that continually runs in my head.

Does anybody else have any songs that get stuck in their head on a routine basis?

Am I the only one who doesn’t watch the Olympics? Every two years the Olympics roll around and the world remembers that diving, gymnastics, curling, speed skating and archery are all sports. The rest of the time, nobody gives a shit about those sports. My theory about the Olympics is that if I don’t watch the sport on a regular basis than why would I watch it during the Olympics? What is the appeal; do I all of a sudden remember that I thoroughly enjoy badminton? I guess for some people it is the appeal is pride in their country which is fine and all; I mean don’t get me wrong, I am rooting for America to win in every sport but there is nothing about horse dancing that is made more exciting by the Olympics.

Now don’t get me wrong. I think the Olympics are a good thing. Shit, anything that brings the world together can’t be bad, right? There is a lot to like about the Games. And if Chicago had gotten the Olypmics in 2016, I would have been very excited for the Games to come to my area. But all that being said, they still hold very little interest for me. Of the 25 sports being played in the Summer Games, now that baseball is no longer in the Games,the only one I regulary watch outside of the Olympics is basketball and maybe boxing from time to time. As for the Winter Games, I don’t watch any of those sports.

Which brings me to another point that I never thought of until last night. Do you realize that for half of the world the Summer Olympics are being held in winter? How is it that the southern hemisphere gets the shaft when it comes to their timing of the Games? Hell, I know that the northern hemisphere has way more people than the southern, but nobody seems to ever mention this fact. The Games have only been held in the southern hemisphere once, in Sydney (where right now it is in the middle of the night and 48 degrees), although the 2016 games will be in Rio de Janerio where it is currently 77 degrees, so I guess their winters do not get all that cold.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go as the World Series of Competitive Pissing is starting in 10 minutes.

Sometimes when I’m out of ideas to write about, I write about my life prior to when I started blogging. So this post takes me way back. All the way the fuck back to January of 1996 to when I dressed up in drag and stripped at a bachelorette party. Shit, actually, I should write some back story on the whole situation which takes me all the way the fuck back to circa 1978 or 79 when I was just three years old.

When I was growing up, my mom ran a daycare in the house. So this is how I met Cara as she was the same age as us and my mom first started babysitting her and her brothers when we were about three. She watched her all the way until around third grade or so. Even after that though we still saw her off and on as we went to CCD (which I like to call Catholic Children’s Dungeon) together on Saturday mornings and we would car pool with her. But, soon even that faded away and we lost touch until senior year of high school. We grew close and became very good friends and remained friends even after she went away to a two year college after high school.

In the summer of 1995 shortly after she returned, she started dating another friend in our group named Vic. While Cara had dated A LOT through high school and afterwards, Vic had never been in love or dated much at all, hell, I don’t think he had a serious girlfriend until Cara. But, he moved quick and within months, they got engaged. The wedding was planned for late January of 1996, which was probably a bit quick especially when you consider they had not only been together for probably eight months but also were both only 20 years old. With a wedding though, comes a bachelorette party.

Being that we were all under 21, going to a bar was not an option. Another friend of ours, Dori, was planning for the party to be at her boyfriend’s house (he of course, would not be there) and she was trying to find some afforable entertainment. And this of course, is where I came in. I told her that I would not only strip, but also dress in drag too and she wouldn’t have to pay me. My thinking is that while I’m not exactly grade A man meat, being a stripper is just as much about being entertaining and funny as it is about being sexy. And baby, I’ve got being entertaining and funny down. And back in high school I used to always grab Cara’s purse and dance while singing “I’m Every Woman” just to be funny so I thought dressing in drag would be appropriate.

Cara of course had no idea what I was going to do. As far as she knew, it was only the ladies who were supposed to be at the party. I did not have a car at the time, so the plan was for Dori’s brother Sean to drive me over there and be my so called “opening act”. It made sense, I mean he was certainly more attractive than me. We snuck in the house and went into the bedroom to get dressed. Being that I had never dragged before, Dori helped me get dressed and put on make up. Soon I was ready to go but feeling kind of nervous. Sean meanwhile went out there, stripped down to his boxers to some 90s dance music. Then it was my turn. The opening strands of Whitney Houston’s version of “I’m Every Woman” came on the stereo and carefully stumbled out in my heals to much laughter. I remember at one point taking Cara’s head and rubbing it my fake tits. I danced to four songs while stripping, including “Foxy Lady“, “Dude Looks Like a Lady” and “Do Ya Think I’m Sexy“.  I did not have on woman’s underwear but instead had yellow smiley face boxers, which I did not remove, however I did manage to give everybody a glimpse of what was under them. Also, I gave out a lap dance or two and they all had these washable crayons that they wrote all over me and I wrote on them. Oh, and they stuffed Monopoly money down my underwear.

I still think this might have been the wildest thing I ever did. And shit, I can not believe it was holy fuck, 16 and a half years ago! Oh, and I do have pictures and while I did not make a very attractive lady, the dress I was wearing really did wonders for my ass.

As for the marriage, many of us thought the whole thing was a bad idea and a disaster waiting to happen. Vic was very traditional and conservative. Cara was wild, slutty and not a good person to be in a relationship with. Heck, to be honest, she is not a very good person at all. Their marriage and relationship was tumultuous from the start. But in spite of it all they had their only child, a daughter, in March of 1997. Problems arose through the entire marriage. By mid 1999, they were separated and divorced a year later. What made things worse was that I was kind of in the middle of their marriage through no fault of my own. And sadly, I am not friends with either of them to this day. It wasn’t that we had a falling out, but when they split, I grew apart from both of them. Currently, she is living in San Diego, remarried with two more kids. Last I heard he was remarried as well with at least one more kid. I probably should write another post about my role in all of this, but I’ve never been one to publicly air other people’s dirty laundry. Perhaps in a private post though……

Oh and bonus points if anybody can name the song and artist of the title of this post.

Every now and then I go through a bit of writer’s block and can’t think of anything good to write about. This is one of those times, except that this time it seems to have lasted longer than normal. Oh sure, I’ve got some ideas of things to write about, but I never want to write about the same things that other people are writing about as I do always strive to be different. That, of course, leaves me with a lack of things to write about sometimes. So with that, I’ll just not write about anything today.

Seems like it has been forever since I posted. Wow, I can’t remember the last time I went this long without posting. But, I’m sure some of you might be wondering where I have been. Oh, who am I kidding, I’m sure nobody even noticed! Fuckers!

Anywho, I had to go to Cary, North Carolina for work from Sunday to Friday. For those of you not familiar with Cary, and honestly, why would you be, it is located right next to Raleigh. It is a quiet town of about 132,000 people with lots of trees. Lots of trees. In fact, it seems like North Carolina is filled with trees. When we were flying it I swear from my middle seat there were trees for as far as the eye could see. I expected to get eaten alive by mosquitoes while I was there but actually, I don’t think I got a single mosquito bite.   

Honestly, as much as I would love to post all about the trip, for the most part it was a lot of really boring work. I went with two other guys from work, one of them was in his 40s and cool and the other was 53 and well…………..let’s just leave it at that. One of the things that drove me nuts about him was that he chose to stay at another hotel which was about a mile away. This might not seem like a big deal but our hotel was walking distance from work and we only had one car. So each morning instead of walking to work, I had to go and pick his ass up.  My commute went from a two minute walk to a 10 minute drive to and from picking him up. I can get into more details about him, but would rather not.

After work it was pretty cool. I had never been to North Carolina so this was kind of exciting for me, even though people might think “it’s only North Carolina”. For me though it is a chance to see a place I’ve never been before which is always cool. I love to travel and want to see as much of the world as possible. Whenever I travel, I never eat at chain restaurants. Come to think of it, when I’m home I usually don’t eat at chain restaurants either. The food out there was fantastic; every place we ate at was good and in most cases, great.

While there, we went to Chapel Hill, home to the University of North Carolina. After eating at a place called Timeout, we went to a roof top bar on a three story building that overlooked Franklin street. On Thursday night we went to a dueling piano bar which is something I love to do. When we first walked in, the only customers in the place was three younger girls and a guy. We started to sit down a couple of tables away from them when one of them said “what, you are going to be anti social? Come over here and sit by us.” So we proceeded to party with them for much of the night.

Oh, I should also mention a couple of things about the hotel. We stood at a LaQuinta which I’ve never stood at before. It was  not a bad hotel, but I did have some issues. For example, the toilet seat constantly had condensation on it which I believe might have been from the humidity. Also, at first the t.v. didn’t work. And the air conditioning did not seem to work all that well but it did manage to keep it reasonable in there. LaQuinta is a pet friendly hotel which sucked because there was a family reunion going on at the hotel and several families brought dogs, one of which was a yapper. One of the nights as we pulled back into the parking lot I saw an older lady with the dog and asked my co worker if I should run them over. He didn’t think that was a very good idea.

So that is a brief summary of my trip. Or at least what I remember of the trip.

Everybody has lyrics to songs that they mishear or perhaps the person singing the song is such a heavy mumbler that you can’t understand a damn word Bruce Springsteen is saying. I’m convinced that Manfred Man’s remake of Springsteen’s “Blinded By the Light” has some of the most misheard lyrics of all time because Springsteen mumbles so bad in so many of his songs that “revved up like a deuce” sounds like “revved up like a douche” which is what so many people think is what is said. Or how another lyric in that song sounds a hell of a lot like “and little hurly burly gave my anus curly wurly” when in reality it is so much less fun than that because he actually says “And little Early-Pearly came by in his curly-wurly” whatever the fuck that means.

So why am I just out of the blue writing about this topic? Because a friend of mine the other day insisted that in Radiohead’s “Creep” right after he sings “I’m a creep” he says “I’m a widow.” Now I disagreed and said that I know he says “I’m a weirdo” and we debated it for a good hour as she looked over lyrics online only to be eventually proven wrong in the end. But it got me to thinking about lyrics I had incorrect. And it is not even that these lyrics were misheard, in some cases the singers flat out mumbled the lyrics. But here are a few that I had wrong only to be corrected later on”

1. “Africa” by Toto- When I was a kid and up until I was about 26, I really believed the lyric was “there’s nothing that a hundred men on Mars could ever do” and was disappointed to find out that it is “there’s nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do.” It just sounded so much more fun with guys from Mars.
2. “Man In The Mirror” by Michael Jackson- When I was a kid I heard “and no message could have been any clever” but it was actually “and no message could have been any clearer.”
3. “Boulevard of Broken Dreams” by Green Day- Okay this one hurts because it is quite possibly my second favorite song of all time. When I first heard it though I thought he said “sometimes I wish a love affair would find me” instead of “sometimes I wish someone out there would find me.” Oh well. I guess it’s better than “sometimes I wish a mother bear would find me” which is what one lady I work with said her nephew heard.
4. “Enter Sandman” by Metallica- Okay so I never misheard this one but it just sounds like he says “I tuck you in, warm within, sink your free throws in.” Maybe I’m a little bit too much of a basketball fan.
5. “Fade To Black” by Metallica- Again, I know he doesn’t say “no one but me can take my cell phone” but it sure is funny.
6. “Master of Puppets” by Metallica- Jeez, why are there so many Metallica misheard lyrics. I’ve always known he doesn’t say “college football is all that” but just looked up the lyrics and was suprised to learn he says “hell is worth all that” shit I’ve just listened to that lyric about 5 times and I still can’t hear him say that.

I can go on and on with misheard lyrics including probably another dozen Metallica songs but for some reason this post is taking forever to write. What are some of the lyrics you mishear?

“All the animals come out at night – whores, skunk pussies, buggers, queens, fairies, dopers, junkies, sick, venal. Someday a real rain will come and wash all this scum off the streets. I go all over. I take people to the Bronx, Brooklyn, I take ‘em to Harlem. I
don’t care. Don’t make no difference to me. It does to some. Some won’t even take spooks. Don’t make no difference to me.”

For years I have been a huge fan of Martin Scorsese. And I mean years, like going back to 1990 when Goodfellas came out. Of course,  that is really nothing when you consider that he directed his first movie in 1967. But, needless to say, he has been one of my favorite directors for as long as I could remember. So it is with embarrassment that I had not seen one of his most famous and best movies, Taxi Driver. Last night I decided to rectify that embarrassment.

Have any of you seen this movie? Even though you might not have, you are certainly familiar with it’s most famous scene and one of the most famous in the history of American cinema. It is the scene in which the main character, taxi driver Travis Bickle, played amazingly by Robert DeNiro, stands in front a mirror by himself and says “You talkin’ to me? You talkin’ to me? You talkin’ to me? Then who the hell else are you talking……..you talkin’ to me? Well I’m the only one here. Who the fuck do you think you’re talking to?” That scene was fucking nuts and really displayed just how crazy he had started to become. Hell I’ve quoted this scene tons of times in spite of never seeing the movie. Oh, and it was quite creepy too. DeNiro can really play a kick ass nut job when he has to, just catch Raging Bull or Cape Fear if you need more evidence.

I was completely captivated by Taxi Driver though. The whole thing was classic Scorsese, and made me regret waiting so damn long to see it. Now, my favorite movie of all time is Goodfellas, so while I don’t think it ranks up there with Goodfellas, it was still pretty damn good. I’m trying to rank it up among the great Scorsese movies I’ve seen and I think I would have to put it somewhere in between The Departed and Raging Bull. Yeah, I know it might be sacrilegious to say The Departed was better than Raging Bull, but maybe it is because I have only seen Raging Bull once whereas I have seen The Departed countless times.

Scorsese is amazing though. And to think, I’ve only seen 10  of the over 50 movies he has directed. And now he is going to start working on a Frank Sinatra biopic which I’m sure will be amazing. So what is your favorite Scorsese movie?

I will have to make this post about as fast as I can in summarizing the past week. Unfortunately, things have gone from bad to worse. As you might recall, there was a storm that damaged the house last weekend. Although we are in the midst of a drought, I know it is only a matter of time before it rains again so we are essentially against a clock to get the house repaired before the next major rain, even if it doesn’t happen for a while. I’m not wasting anytime trying to get it fixed; the claims adjuster from the insurance company was supposed to call within a few days of the claim being placed (it was placed on Saturday June 30) but I started contacting contractors to have them come out and give quotes. I fully expected that the claims adjuster to at least contact us last week, but with more than half the country having damage from either storms or wildfires, he did not call until yesterday and won’t be out until Wednesday. Thsi means it is very likely that the house won’t be repaired for at least another two weeks and probably closer to three. And that is just me guessing here. For all I know it still might not be for another month.

As if that wasn’t bad enough, we have been having frequent outages with both the Internet and the power. Friday the power went out for a few hours during the day, however I was at work so it was not an inconvenience for me. This morning however, it went out again for a couple of hours. It is back on now but for how long?

The internet connection stopped working Friday and did not start working again until just a couple of hours ago. Comcast said it was because of the weather. Right now it works, but again, for how long?

Oh and my work trip to North Carolina which was supposed to be today got delayed and it will not be until next week.

That’s all for now, gotta hit save before I lose connection again.

We here in Illinois have been marred in a prolonged drought and heat wave. Friday though it finally rained during the day although it was not long enough to quench our extreme thirst for rain. With outdoor festival season in full swing, more storms were expected through the area Friday night. Originally I wanted to see the Steve Miller Band play at Naperville’s Ribfest, but changed my mind due to the cost, the potential for rain and the fact that I had to be up early on Saturday. So I went home instead for an oh so exciting night of watching t.v.! If only the night were as dull as watching t.v.

As I watched old Seinfeld reruns, I followed the storms on my phone, paying close attention to the severe thunderstorm warning in my area. According to weather.com, the storm should be in my town about 9:45 in the P.M. About 9:42, I  heard the wind whip up and I looked out the window. It was not yet raining, but the wind was blowing very hard and there was thunder and lightening in the area. Within a minute or two though, the rain started. By 9:45 the power was out. I gazed at my cell phone as I sat on my love seat across from the window in my front room, I heard a loud BOOM BOOM which seemed to hit the house. A few seconds later, another couple of loud booms and this time I knew something had happened to my house. Initially, I thought my screen door being torn off and blew away. Although I was dumb enough to sit there in the front room a few feet from the window instead of taking cover, I was not dumb enough to get up just yet and look out the window. A couple of minutes later though things calmed down and I looked out the window to a scene of shock.

Although the rain had quickly dissipated to a medium rain and the wind slowed, it was not before it had torn off several large branches off my neighbor’s tree and into my yard and onto my brother’s car which was parked on the drive. Fortunately the only damage to his car was a few scratches on the hood and a small dent. My yard, which has exactly no trees or bushes, was now half covered by broken tree, part of which had broken off and was laying in the middle of the street wrecking havoc with traffic. A few minutes later, I ran out and dragged the branch out of the road and into my yard.

After things slowed some more, I went outside to assess the potential damage to my house and found it to be much worse than I expected. The wind or the tree had either torn off the fascia over part of the front of the house. On the side of the house, the wind had torn off about a quarter of the top of the siding. But, the worst was the roof. There was a gaping probably one foot sized hole in the roof. My house and yard looked like one of them Allstate mayhem commercials. What was even more ironic was that my house is the only house on the entire block without trees or bushes, yet it was the only house that was damaged during the storm.

When something like this happens, of course the neighbors come outside. And my brother and I are both afraid of heights and not very adapt with tools, our wonderful neighbor was kind enough to go up on the roof and put a tarp over the hole. While he was up there he said it smelled like something was burning. With the lightening that was saw earlier and after, it is a realistic possibility that the house was indeed struck my lightening.

In the near and far distance, we could hear and see emergency vehicles racing to various emergencies in the area. Emergencies that included but not limited to fires, downed wires, and a car blown on it’s side. When I drove around the town the next day, I saw countless trees blown over and crews from the electric company everywhere. We learned later that while it was not a tornado that hit, but it might as well had been as the winds peaked at 92 miles an hour.

Friday night though was a rough night sleeping. For starters, it was hot as hell in the house and with no power, we had no air conditioning to keep things cool. And normally I use a fan to keep things cool and to help block out noise, but with no fan I could hear every siren in the distance and every car the slowed down right in front of my house to stare at the destruction. Oh, and I was also just a little bit stressed at the condition of my house.

Fortunately though, the homeowners insurance will pick up most of the tab. But, not before I have to pay a deductible. Also, we have more storms expected over the course of the next few days, so who knows what else can happen between now and the time the house is fixed.