October 17, 2012

• Gettin’ Frisky With It

  A lot of times when I have nothing to write about, I like to tell a story from before I started blogging because, let’s face it, an overwhelming majority of my life occurred before Xanga. So today I’m going to tell about something that happened to me more than 15 years ago in May of 1997. Holy fuck, I can’t believe that was 15 fucking years ago. Wow.

  So back in the day, my friends J.T., Dave, and I used to frequently take road trips. These road trips were more times than not totally and utterly spontaneous, which was the case with the very first road trip we took together. It was on I believe a Wednesday afternoon and we were having a late lunch with a bunch of friends at a Mexican restaurant and we were talking about gambling. Of the three of us, J.T. was the only one not 21 yet so he couldn’t gamble in the Illinois casinos. My friend Dave said that you only had to be 18 to gamble at Ho-Chunk Casino in Baraboo, Wisconsin which was near Wisconsin Dells about three and a half hours away. I don’t quite remember who’s idea it was but we just decided to up and go right after lunch. After paying our bill, we left the rest of our friends there and ran home to pack a bag and were on our way. I remember being really excited and thought it was hilarious and classic to do something like this, but at the same time I could not believe we were doing it.

  For some reason, we actually let Dave drive which was really odd because before then and even until this day, we very rarely let Dave drive. For some reason, we went through Milwaukee even though it wasn’t on the way. In our haste of leaving, we didn’t realize that none of us knew exactly how to get there. And we didn’t have a map. Or an atlas. Or a fucking clue for that matter. So we wound up briefly lost in Milwaukee. The rest of the ride was fun but rather uneventful.

  We wound up getting a room at the Wilderness Hotel not far from the casino. We checked in about 9 in the pm and discovered that it had the biggest and deepest hot tub any of us had ever seen. Shit, it even had a waterfall going into it. We got in partly because it was there but also because it was 33 fucking degrees outside and we were wearing nothing but swim trunks. After being in there a few minutes, Dave, who I still believe might have been clinically insane that moment, decided that we should leave the hot tub and jump into the pool. Five ball shrinking seconds later, we were out of the damn pool. We hung out at the indoor water park until they closed at 11 before showering (separately I might add) and heading to the casino about midnight, where we all lost.

  Back at the room at 3:30. Now I should mention that I had been unemployed for quite some time at that point in my life, but living with my mom I didn’t have a lot of expenses. We were all laying down bullshittin when Dave asked me how I got my money. I tried to explain to him that I had saved it from when I worked, but he didn’t believe me. He proceeded to harass me about it in a hilarious fashion for quite sometime until I told him. He even turn on the lights, turned up the heat and opened the windows and said nobody was sleeping until I told him how I got my money. This went on for quite some time, all the while we were laughing and making noise. Finally about 5:30 in the morning, things quieted down when Dave said “hey guys, listen to this”. He then picked up the phone and had our wake up call changed from 7A.M. to 6:30A.M.

  We eventually did sleep for a couple of hours and got up at 9 to head home. About 30 or 45 minutes into the trip, somewhere between Madison and Baraboo, “Welcome to the Jungle” came on the radio. Dave must have been too excited and entranced with my beautifully, angelic singing that he didn’t realize he was going 19 miles over the speed limit. I remember driving under an overpass and Dave slamming on the fucking brakes because he saw a cop. Now I was in the back seat behind the passenger’s seat. As the cop pulled us over, I struggled to find the seat belt which was somewhere in the trunk probably near the back fucking bumper for all I knew. Eventually though I was able to slide it on around my waist. Hell, I didn’t know what the seat belt laws were in Wisconsin for riding in the backseat. I was not able to fully get it on, so I put my coat over my waist to cover it up.

  The cop came up to the driver’s side and of course got all of Dave’s info. He then came around to our side and asked what I was hiding back there. I said nothing, I just had my Pepsi and showed it to him. He asked me if I was hiding a gun back there and I of course said no, but by this point it was too late. He asked me to step out of the car, where he proceeded to frisk me, even “investigating my premises” if you know what I mean. I told him that to be honest, I was just looking for the seat belt to which he replied, “well I’ve been in this business for 27 years, why couldn’t you just tell me the truth?” I quickly replied “YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!!”. Okay so maybe not.

  As he continued to take the hands on approach, my natural reaction was to put my hands down there real quick and he said “whoa, I’m doing the searching here.” After he finished me off, he had Dave and J.T. get out of the car and we all went to the front of the car while he searched the back seat. While we were driving, I was writing a goofy Top 10 list titled “Top 10 things you never want your love to say to you during sex”. He started to read it when I said “no, no, no, uh, sir you don’t want to read that.” He slyly smiled and said “too late” probably realizing at that time that we were just a few harlmess young guys being goofy. He let us go back into the car and he returned with a ticket for $190! FUCKING OUCH.

  So that was the extent to, at this point, my run in with the law. Oh sure, I’ve gotten tickets, but have not been frisked since. At least not by a cop!

  • 10:38 pm
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