February 20, 2013

• Mike 2013

  By now I’m sure all of you have heard that the Pope is retiring to spend more time with his kids. So this means for the second time in the past, I don’t know is it eight years, the Catholic Church will be hiring another pope. I guess they are currently taking applications from now until probably sometime in April at which point the applicants will submit a drug test and then the College of Cardinals will get together and vote. Once they have made  up their minds, one of them will fart and a giant poof of white smoke will arise from the Vatican signaling that a new pope will be poped. Or maybe they will tweet who the new pope will be. I don’t know.

  But I’ve thought about it and it’s about time we have the first pope of my kind: the first Atheist pope. That’s right people, I’m running for pope. Although I am an Atheist now, I was raised Catholic, however I did not have the fortune of being diddled by a priest. So I do know a little bit about Catholicism or at least enough to get by. And besides when I become pope, I’m going to be making some changes. Oh sure you might think it’s going to be evolution, gay marriage, and abortion for all and while that will certainly be true, I have bigger plans:

  • First thing I’m doing is moving the Vatican to the north side of Chicago within walking distance of Wrigley Field. It’s no secret, I’m a huge Cub fan. And when I would have to hold mass or make major announcements, I will do it at Wrigley Field. Shit, I’m not exactly going to get on the field based on my athletic ability so this is the next best thing. Plus, Wrigley is pretty much right in the middle of boystown and since The Church would now be gay friendly this will help with that transition.
  • Priests can marry and fuck whomever consenting adult they want. This is a drastic change from their current policy of only allowing them to sleep with little boys.
  • And while we are on the topic of priests, it is no longer a boys club. Anybody can be a priest.
  • Remember that nuns group on the east coast that cheesed off the Pope because they were focusing on the poor instead of defeating abortion and gay marriage? Well get used to them because they are now replacing all of the Cardinals and will be the face of Catholicism. And of course, they will continue to do their good work.

  See, now isn’t this a church you would want to be a part of?

  • 10:13 pm
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