May 21, 2005

• I have mentioned it before, but my mother’s family is fucking insane.
  IN-FUCKING-SANE!!!! I guess I will start by explaining all of the
  people. You all know me. There is my cousin Sharon, who, I would do
  anything for (check the post from around Nov 28-30 for an example). She
  is married to a complete loser named Robert. In fact, the only bigger
  loser than him is Sharon’s brother, Frank. To give you an example of
  how he is, two years ago, he spent the better part of 10 months prank
  calling my house in the middle of the night and not saying anything. We
  did eventually catch him. Oh, and he is about 45 years old. His
  girlfriend is a COMPLETE BITCH named Joanne. She is very large and
  dresses very trashy. I call her “Barge” because of her size and
  trashiness you know, sorta like a barge with a bunch of trash.
  Sharon’s sister is Carol. Nice, but goofy. Carol’s daughter, Jessica,
  is graduating high school, and there was a graduation party for her at
  a restaurant in Joliet tonight. She originally asked if she could have
  the party at our house, my sister first said yes, but I put the kybosh
  (spelling please) on it because I know how crazy mom’s family is. Now,
  there are some sub characters in all of this. My sister, Roseann. My
  cousin Fred and his sister Cathy, along with her husband, John, not to
  be confused with my brother, John. To give you a little more
  background, the last time I saw him was at his Dad’s funeral 2 years
  ago, at the wake the night before, his dad’s brother (and my uncle) had
  me by the tie and threatened to……well, the quote was “Do you know
  who I am? Do you know what I can do to you?” Long story, I should get
  into it sometime, very entertaining. Anywho, I digress. Just keep in
  mind that most of the people in this story are way older then me. The
  only one younger was Jessica. The rest are either old enough to be my
  parents, or pretty damn close to being old enough.

  On with the story. I was dreading going to this party tonight. I did
  not want to see Robert at all, I have met him once before and he makes
  my skin crawl. Not as much as Frank does, but pretty damn close. Now,
  Frank and Joanne were not invited to this party. There is a long and
  pathetic situation going on with him and the rest of the family, too
  much to even bother to type. We arrived at the restaurant. I saw Sharon
  outside talking to her husband in the car. She looked distraught and I
  did not want to butt in, so I kept walking. Lo and behold, Frank and
  Joanne had shown up. They said the sole reason for showing up was so
  that they can ruin the party. Keep in mind, this is a party for his own
  niece. Robert was sitting in the parking lot the whole time refusing to
  come into the restaurant because Frank was there. So, Sharon spent the
  whole time outside with him.

  When I arrived, I pretty much greeted everybody at the party but Frank
  and Barge. I’ve got no use for them. I’d just as soon avoid them. No
  problems can arise, if we just ignore each other. I didn’t even
  acknowledge their existence. The whole time at the party, there was some
  tension going on because of them being there. People asked them to
  leave, but they refused. For the most part, though, the dinner was
  pretty uneventful.

  Flash forward to when we were all getting ready to leave. Frank and
  Barge said their good-byes to the couple of people that actually cared
  enough to say good-bye (I was not one of them). Fred and his wife said
  good-bye and pretty much walked out at the same time. John, Roseann and
  I were saying our good-byes when we heard some ruckus going on outside.
  Somebody came inside and said they were fighting. So, we all ran
  outside to try to calm people down. There was a lot of screaming and
  yelling and swearing going on, but as far as I could see, no actual
  fighting. I wasn’t there for this part, but, from what I gathered, this
  is what happened and hence, when things turned “Springer”. Robert saw
  Frank and Barge come outside and came up to them and started shit. Now,
  keep in mind, this is all hearsay. They started arguing and he kicked
  her car. I don’t know exactly what happened, but I guess he then either
  pushed Barge, or slapped her on the arm, depending on who you ask.

  Now, I don’t like when people fuck with my cousin Sharon, but I wasn’t
  going to be thrown into the middle of all of this either. I just wanted
  to calm people down. There was a lot of screaming, yelling, swearing,
  and crying going on. I was calm and trying to act as the passive
  peacemaker in all of this, as was Cathy, both Johns and Fred. Robert
  pretty much went straight into the restaurant and stood there. I give
  him credit for that, but otherwise, he is a complete loser who probably
  should be locked away for many reasons. Sharon, Carol, Jessica, Barge,
  Frank and Roseann were all either yelling, crying, swearing, or just
  generally hysterical, and in some cases, all at once. My tiny 135lb ass
  was trying to keep in front of people and prevent anything from
  happening. I was hugging and consoling Sharon, Jessica, Carol and
  Roseann. I kept telling them that “They (Frank and Barge) were just not
  worth it. They were nothing but trash. Calm down and take a deep
  breath.” Barge was yelling and calling Sharon a fucking bitch. She
  started to walk over by us and I walked up to her and got in her way. I
  would not talk to her, but instead just sorta forced her back. She told
  me to “stop fucking pushing me” which is funny, because she is in
  excess of 300lbs and I have trouble carrying a case of pop, so how
  could I push her. She kept saying she was going to press charges for
  what Robert did. It seemed like every time I started to get Sharon
  calm, Barge or Frank would say something to get her going again.

  Meanwhile, somebody said that the cops had been called, but I guess
  they were somewhere in fucking Topeka, because it sure as hell took
  them a long enough time to arrive. We would get them separated and they
  would holler something across the parking lot. Jessica started walking
  over there and yelling. I got in front of her and pushed her back,
  telling her that things would be ok and he is nothing but trash and not
  worth it. She told me to let her go. Now, keep in mind, things were
  very chaotic, so I’m not entirely sure of how things happened.

  After few minutes, as I was trying to calm Sharon down, Barge and
  Joanne came back up yelling. Sharon yelled back. I said again that they
  are not worth it, they are just trash. Frank heard this and started
  yelling at me, saying that I was trash and getting pretty loud and for
  a second, I thought he was going to come after me. I wasn’t worried. I
  just ignored him. See, he is like a bully, if you ignore him or stand
  up to him, he will go away. What he wants is to bait you into doing
  something. I wasn’t going to fall for it. As he sat there screaming at
  me, I just stood there ignoring him and comforting Sharon. Then, my
  sister went off on him. She started screaming at him. Fred and other
  John escorted Frank away. At this point, the police finally arrived.

  With mass hysteria going on, they tried to get a grasp on the situation.
  I asked them if they needed anything and one of them asked me if I
  drove. I said I rode with somebody and he said “good. Find them and
  leave, you will be one less person around here.” I thought this was a
  good idea, because as much as I was trying to calm people down, it just
  wasn’t working. I started to make my rounds and say good-bye to people,
  admist the yelling and crying. We stood around for about another 5
  minutes, said goodbye to everybody except Frank and Barge, and left. As
  for what happened after that, I have no idea. All I know is, Frank is
  the type of loser that will slash our tires, but a brick through our
  windshields, or prank call us. Every time a car drives by, I get
  paranoid. As Sharon said, he always starts shit and does shit, and
  always gets away with it. Yes, he is sorta mental, but mainly, because
  of his immaturity. He was the baby of the family and Sharon always used
  to stick up for him and coddle him and basically, make excuses for him.
  All of that ended when their mom died back in ’97. The one person that
  used to always be able to control Frank was my mom, and she died in
  2000. Now, he is out of control.

  There were some other things about the party as well. Jessica’s father,
  who is, I shit you not, about 75 years old, was dressed funny. All I
  can say is that he had on a suit with a fat tie that came down about
  halfway down his chest. He look ri-damn-diculous. And, sitting near him
  during dinner, I couldn’t help but occasionally laugh because Jt used
  to always refer to him as the “Cryptkeeper” because he is sorta
  decrepted. He also mumbles A LOT when he talks, almost worse than Ozzy.
  I can’t understand a thing he says, I almost need and interpreter to
  talk to him. Normally, I have to ask him to repeat a lot, and if I
  still can’t understand him, I say something like”ahhhh…………yes.”
  Damn, my hands are tired. I’m done writing.

  • 2:39 am
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