July 26, 2005

• Dude, what the fuck? Why did some 39 year old married dude message me 2
  nights in a row asking if i wanted to hook up? YO! You are married. If
  you have an open relationship, that cool, but…………..aahhhhhhh,
  why the fuck do I care?

  Top Ten George W. Bush Solutions For Global
  Warming

  10. NASA mission to turn down the sun’s thermostat

  9. Federal subsidies to boost production of Cool Ranch Doritos

  8. Fast track Rumsfeld’s “Colonize Neptune” proposal

  7. Convene Blue-Ribbon Committee to explore innovative ways of
  ignoring the problem

  6. Let Hillary worry about it when she takes over

  5. I dunno—tax cuts for the rich?

  4. Give the boys at Halliburton 90-billion dollar contract to patch
  hole in ozone

  3. Switch to celsius so scorching 98 becomes frosty 37

  2. Keep plenty of Bud on ice

  1. Invade Antartica

  Man, Letterman rules!!!!

  Traffic was a motherfucker tonight. Took me an hour to get home! A
  fucking hour! Normally, its about 30 minutes, sometimes even less then
  that. It seemed like every road I drove down was filled with traffic.
  And, it was raining. I’m not blaming the rain. I’m glad it rained. We
  obviously need it. My grass is so dry that we put on the oven the other
  day and our bushes went up in flames (not really). But, I do however
  blame the losers that were like “Its raining! I’m driving! What do I
  do?” It was like when it snows in the winter. It was crazy. I mean,
  honestly, its wet pavement. You’re going to be ok. And, each road I
  turned down, there was traffic. I hate traffic. Shit, I don’t know
  anybody that likes traffic. There are 3 things nobody on the planet
  likes, traffic, IRS audits and root canels. If you like any of these,
  please stay away from me because you are obviously clinically insane.
  IN-FUCKING-SANE!!!!

  I had Uncle Ben’s for lunch today, and you know on the back of
  certain products, there is a number that says “Call us! We would love
  to hear from you!” Are they that desperate for human contact? Do they
  really want people to call them? Are they just sitting by the phone
  waiting saying “Oh, when is he gonna call!!! When is Bill Smith of
  Lincoln Nebraska gonna call? RING DAMNIT!!” Well, I called today.

  Me: Hi. You guys wanted to hear from me.
  Calltaker dude that sounded cute and gay…….(note, every male that
  has ever worked in a call center is gay): Bill, is that you?
  Me: Why did you guys want to hear from me? Is it my family? Is somebody dead? Because, they had it coming…….
  Cute sounding dude: No, I don’t think so, we just want to know what you thought about…..
  Me: Am I dying? Has somebody stolen my identity? Why do you need me?
  Dude: We just want to know what you think of the product
  Me: Well, the box was sorta tough, and I’m going to have a problem passing the plastic bowl.
  Gay boy: The food, how about the food.
  Me: It was cold.
  Guy: You are supposed to heat it.
  Me: Yeah, well, thanks for telling me.
  Dude: Its on the box
  Me: Well, it doesn’t say I should READ the box. Thanks. Thanks a lot.

  Ok, so this never happened, but why doesn’t somebody please call these
  people? If more people called them, that would mean less people would
  be calling me and my job wouldn’t be so damn hectic.
  

  • 10:52 pm
  • 1 Comment