November 14, 2005

• You know what I find downright amusing, but not in a good sort of way,
  but instead in a “how fucking stupid and annoying” sort of way? Those
  church signs. You know what I’m talking about. They are in front of the
  church and have the name of the church on it, along with some sort of
  so-called “inspirational” saying. You know, because reading this is
  going to make somebody change their entire life. That one simple line
  is going to save somebody. The lame part is that the sign tries to be
  clever by saying something like “When you are lost there is only one
  way to turn………..Jesus” or “the best positions in life are
  missionary.” To make matters even worse, its such a distraction. People
  nearly get into accidents struggling to read these things. Sure, your
  soul was saved, but while you were busy reading the sign, you ran over
  a couple of 1st graders on their way to school, taking their lives.
  But, as my mom said, God doesn’t take a life without replacing it. I’m
  sure that’s going to be of great consolation to the parents of these
  kids. Maybe this is how the signs are effective. After somebody runs
  somebody over and they are charged with vehicular homicide, they pretty
  much turn to Jesus to save themselves.

  What is even more annoying than the church signs, is the Godly
  answering machine. You call the number, you get the machine, the
  greeting on the machine starts off by leaving a verse from the bible,
  because, what you need as you are leaving a message to tell the person
  that you are going to be late is time wasted to tell you how you could
  be going to hell. All you are thinking is “come on fucker, just give me
  the damn beep, for Christ’s sake, traffic is bad.” I mean, it might
  make a little bit of sense if you happen to be using your only call to
  have your friend come and bail you out of jail. Maybe you can be saved
  then. But, no, instead, you have to sit through this message just so
  that you can tell the person that you are going to be able to make it
  to aunt Hilga’s surprise 80th birthday party. I just can’t imagine these
  messages having an effect on anybody. Of all the stories of people
  finding God, nobody ever says “I was saved when I heard the message on
  cousin Steve’s machine. The words. They just really moved me and made
  me realize what I have been missing my entire life.” Can’t these people
  just have a normal answering machine greeting? You know, by having
  their kid that can barely speak a complete sentence leave an almost
  equally annoying message stating that they can’t come to the phone?
  Maybe they have these greetings in case a telemarketer calls and they
  can be saved by the greeting. Because, when one is selling newspapers
  or aluminum siding, some words of inspiration from the good book is
  just what they need.

  Once again people, its time for another episode of “Pat Robertson says
  the Dumbest Things.” I think this one pretty much speaks for inself.

  Pat Robertson Warns Pa. Town of Disaster

  VIRGINIA BEACH, Va. (AP) – Religious broadcaster Pat Robertson warned
  residents of a rural Pennsylvania town Thursday that disaster may
  strike there because they “voted God out of your city” by ousting
  school board members who favored teaching intelligent design.

  All eight Dover, Pa., school board members up for re-election were
  defeated Tuesday after trying to introduce “intelligent design” – the
  belief that the universe is so complex that it must have been created
  by a higher power – as an alternative to the theory of evolution.

  “I’d like to say to the good citizens of Dover: If there is a disaster
  in your area, don’t turn to God. You just rejected him from your
  city,” Robertson said on the Christian Broadcasting Network’s “700
  Club.”

  Eight families had sued the district, claiming the policy violates the
  constitutional separation of church and state. The federal trial
  concluded days before Tuesday’s election, but no ruling has been issued.

  Later Thursday, Robertson issued a statement saying he was simply
  trying to point out that “our spiritual actions have consequences.”

  “God is tolerant and loving, but we can’t keep sticking our finger in
  his eye forever,” Robertson said. “If they have future problems in
  Dover, I recommend they call on Charles Darwin. Maybe he can help
  them.”

  Robertson made headlines this summer when he called on his daily show for the assassination of Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez.

  In October 2003, he suggested that the State Department be blown up
  with a nuclear device. He has also said that feminism encourages women
  to “kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and
  become lesbians.”

  • 9:59 pm
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