November 29, 2005
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So, with the Christmas season upon us, I have as usual, heard a lot of
Christmas songs and seen quite a few Christmas commercials. One thing I
find disturbing about the songs is the mention of Santa’s reindeer. Why
is it that Rudolph is not mentioned anywhere besides his own song? In
his song, they mention all of the other reindeer including him. But,
you never hear about him any other time. What, is he Santa’s red-nosed
step child? I mean, what the fuck? I think he is just Santa’s bitch.
Santa just uses him because he needed him the one damn time, but then
all of a sudden he is embarrassed to know him. Its like Santa
says “Who Rudolph? Nope, don’t know a Rudolph. You must have the
wrong Santa.” And why is this, because he has a damn red nose? Maybe
his nose is so red from all the cocaine he has snorted and Santa tried
to get him clean and when he couldn’t, he disowned him. I heard the
Stones had to do the same thing to Keith Richards. Or maybe Rudolph
fucked Santa’s daughter. That would do it. I think I would filp right
the fuck out if I found out that my hired help nailed my daughter.
Perhaps Rudolph was stealing from Santa to support his gambling habit.
I mean, Rudolph has to make up his loses somehow, after all, he put
lots of money on the Cardinals to win the World Series. Or, is it
possible that Ruldolph was just a figment of Santa’s imagination. Maybe
Santa was hallucinating from a bad case of the bird flu, or maybe he
had some bad acid and he made up a reindeer to help cure his loneliness.
All I know is that its a big injustice. They said in the song that he
would go down in history, but clearly this is not the case. Outside of
his song, he is remembered about as much as Rufus, the black apostle
they refuse to mention in the bible. But, I think the fault lies with
the big guy himself. He runs the whole damn operation, he needs to put
his fat fucking foot down and say “I have no more Rudolph shame, I’m
proud to claim him as my reindeer. Sure, he peeps on Mrs Claus and I
“gettin busy” and so he pisses in the egg nog, we need him on our
team.” I think we should all boycott Santa until he acknowledges
Rudolph. So this year, when that fat-bearded fuck comes stumbling down
your chimney in a druken haze, you should jab him in the ass with a hot
ass poker and say “No more free ride, Blubber Claus until you stop
playa hatin and recognize my coke addicted homey Rudolph!”Damn, I have said it before and I will say it again: people don’t give
Lexuses as Christmas gifts. Now, I’m not married, but something tells
me if a husband gets a Lexus for his wife for Christmas, the first
thing she is doing to say is “Great fuckhead, where the hell are you
going to find the money to pay for this?” These commercials are so
annoying. And the worst part about it is the music, which plays as if
to say “Lalalalalalala, start your Christmas shopping at Lexus.” Do
they think we are just a country full of Oprah’s and Jordan’s who make
enough money wiping their asses to buy a Lexus for the whole family?
And what is with the fucking bow that is always around the car? They do
not make bows this large. And how exactly does one “hide” a Lexus from
their spouse? Sure, its tough enough to physically hide it. I mean,
imagine her surprise when she comes home from work to find a Lexus in
the driveway. “Bob, get your ass down these stairs right now! Are you
fucking your secretary again? Whose god damn Lexus is in the driveway?
I’m going to castrate you if you are cheating on me!!!!” And what
about the check? Most couples are crazy about their money. I think she
might be a little pissed when she finds out that you wrote a check for
the $10,000 down payment and you won’t tell her what it is for. “Fred,
you aren’t playing poker online again are you? Because if you are, you
can forgot about sex until your poker debt is paid off!!!” I don’t care
who you are, its kinda damn fucking hard to hide a check that large
from the checking account. She is going to think you have set up your
mistress with a time share in Boca Raton when she sees that much money
missing. And then what are you going to do? You would have to ruin the
surprise. And its not like its easy to buy a car. You would have to be
gone for a good 3 or 4 hours, now try explaining that one to your wife.
Its the middle of December, you can’t exactly say you were playing
golf. And since car dealerships are closed on Sundays, you can’t use
the “honey, I’m going to the Bears game” as an excuse. And, whats even
worse, is that with cell phones, they can call you in the middle of the
damn test drive, then what are you going to do? Crash the fucking car
trying to come up with a lie good enough to tell her so that she
doesn’t think you are cheating or off buying her Christmas gift? Just
keep things simple and buy her a fucking diamond, after all, it will
fit under the tree.
