December 4, 2005

• Last night I played cards at Scott's cousin's friend's house. He is
  sorta cute but has a fun, happy go lucky personality. If only he were
  gay.............. Anywho, we played in the basement, where he has got a
  great little bar. One of his roommates found some old parts to a pool
  table near a dumpster and he took it and made a bar out of it. The pool
  table is on its side and the front of the bar is the top of the table.
  To make this thing even cooler, on the top of the bar, underneath the
  glass of the bar, is the green felt of a blackjack table. Its fucking
  awesome! As for the cards, yeah, I suck. The first game I didn't even
  win a hand (but still managed to finish 7th out of 10th). We had a side
  game of dealers choice which I lost $20 on. Then we played another hold
  'em game in which I had a better showing and managed to stick around a
  lot longer and actually won a few hands, but only finished 6th. This
  one guy went from being the chip leader (with a total of 4 players) to
  being out of the game in 2 hands! It was fucked up, I have never seen
  anything like that before.

  As you all know, I'm a huge sports fan. I saw something in the Bears
  game today that I have always seen in sports, but made me think about
  something. In the game, Brett Favre gave Nathan Vasher a pat on the
  ass. When I saw this, a light bulb went off in my head: if sports were
  a person, it would be a closet homosexual. Think about it. I see more
  ass grabbing on a football field than in a gay porn. I'm not kidding
  about that. And, then there is the whole relationship between the
  center and the QB, in which the QB sticks his hands practically up the
  center's ass. Just look at all the grabbing and horseplay in a football
  game. The goal is to GRAB the other guy and throw him down to the
  ground. Its just like gay S&M. Piles and piles of guys on top of
  each other, asses on top of other guys faces, genitals rubbing
  together...........what could be anymore gay than that? Want more? How
  about all the hugging when a team wins? And there is even kissing.
  Magic Johnson and Isiah Thomas used to kiss each other (again, I'm not
  making this up) before each game. After the Sox won the World Series
  this year, Ozzie Guillen kissed another guy (I don't remember who).
  Than there is the showering. These men all shower and walk around naked
  together. And how about the uniforms. The only people more hung up than
  gay people about their clothes are athletes. Everybody has to dress
  EXACTLY alike, you know, just like a Broadway chorus line. And have you
  seen the moves  in football after player makes a great play? A lot
  of those dance moves would hold up well in a gay nightclub, as we know,
  every gay guy (EXCEPT me) can dance. And what about the singing and
  acting? Gay guys LOVE to sing and act and every time I open the paper,
  another pro athlete is coming out with another (bad) album or (really
  bad) acting in some movie or show. And then there is the lying about
  their age to try to be younger. In baseball a few years ago, there was
  a rash of players who lied about their ages to try to be younger, much
  like a 35 year old gay guy I worked with at AAA who was "27". And have
  you seen these people dress off the field? Mink coats. Boas. Flashy
  jewelry. They dress so flamboyant, they would make Elton John blush.
  And of course, you have wrestling (not the bullshit WWF kind, although
  that is pretty gay too). You dress two guys up in skin tight spandex
  that leave little to the imagination and you have to grab and rub just
  about every part of the other guy's body to get him to the ground. Its
  a gay man's paradise. And they are all hung up on their looks too, just
  like gay guys. Take boxers for example. They are so concerned about
  their weight and looking good. "Oh shit, I gained 3/4 of a pound!!! NOOOOOO!!!!". Because they will be wearing nothing but
  shorts (fancy shorts too, another sign) they have to have great bodies
  with little to no hair. Also, don't fuck with their face. "No, not my
  face!!! Hit me in the body, please, but don't mess my face!" They even
  have to wear a mouthguard to protect their precious teeth!  And, a
  lot of athletes are bitches. Some of
  these guys whine more than the gayest gay guys. Crying about not having
  enough money or playing time. Pissing and moaning about being
  disrespected. But, the biggest thing is the homophobia. Athletes are
  afraid of gays and a male sports team has never had an out gay player.
  They are so afraid of gays, they often say they would beat the shit out
  of a gay teammate and/or they would not stand for a gay teammate in the
  locker room. Need I say more, that's like the first sign that somebody
  is gay.........everybody knows the biggest closet cases are homophobic
  people.

  • 4:58 pm
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